Andi Week Is-It-Over-Yet?

According to the previews there will be lots of making out in different lighting.

Andi is spouting some drivel about taking this week seriously because this is the last week before hometowns.

Chris Harrison is trying to have a heart to heart with the guys.  Nick opens his mouth and ticks off the other guys in 2 seconds flat.  It’s actually impressive that he hasn't been slugged yet. There will be no roses on the dates except for the group date.

Marcus is going to have the first one-on-one.  This elicited a swear from Josh.  Nick is getting a little too free in his talking heads-ABC is going to have an easy time of editing him into the villain. 

Marcus and Andi wander Brussels and eat muscles.  Marcus says that he loves her and I am afraid that she is going to stamp on his heart with her little stiletto heels.  At supper she asks him about his family AND ACTUALLY LISTENS.  Guys, this is a one-time event! Take note! Yet, she is doing her stupid duck-face-pout-whilst-"listening" face.  I hate it.  It looks stupid. 

They are walking back and keep stopping to make out.  Can they make it more than two feet without sucking face?  Andi is saying he is a man. I’m pretty sure in Andi’s head manliness=making out.

When Marcus gets back from the date Nick decides to go track down Andi.  He goes to the front desk and lies about losing his room key, forgetting the room number, and being married to Andi all to find her room.  They sneak out and make out in the streets.  Nick seems to be the only guy that fully understands Andi's inability to comprehend words.  She needs make out time to know that the guy is into her.  Nick gets this and beyond that understands her desire for spontaneity.  

Josh is secretly up against the declarations of love from the two guys the night before.  Andi is super worried that he is not at the same place as her because he has 1) not said that he loves her 2) hasn't made out with her enough.  After Andi fishes, for what feels like an eternity, Josh finally says that he is falling for her.  Andi makes and maintains the goofiest face after that.  Then they make out in at least two different settings and lighting styles. 

THERE IS STILL OVER AN HOUR LEFT!! I AM NOT GOING TO LAST THIS EPISODE IS SO BORING…..zzzzzz…..zzzzz….zzzzz

The only reason I am still watching is because the preview showed Nick crying.  He’s being a jerk around the guys.  PS, Dylan, if you can put your hair in a ponytail it is time to cut your hair.  They are looking at the countryside by pedaling on a rail bike.  Andi rode in the cart as the guys pedaled the entire way there.  They stopped at a monastery.  In this monastery there is no kissing within the grounds.  Andi takes Chris away to a pottery barn (outside the walls) where they can have some alone time.  They have their Ghost moment and make out a little bit.  When they get back, Andi announces that whoever gets the rose will continue on the date and the other guys will go back to the hotel.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is the perfect recipe for drama.  Unfortunately, it has turned into mainly idiotic outbursts by Nick and pensive looks by the others.  Our recipe for drama fell flat.  Nick gets the rose.  He feels like Andi just told him that she loves him.  The guys looked pissed.  Best part of Nick getting the rose is watching those guys get smashed into the back seat so that the camera crew can film them on the way back to the hotel...and take turns cussing.  SO great.  They are too broad in the shoulders to all fit in the same seat.  They look like sardines! Josh and Marcus had priceless reactions when the guys walked in the door.  Andi officially made every guy swear from this choice.  At the hotel the guys attack Nick with their rhetoric.

The guys are scrambling to persuade Andi to pick them for hometowns.  Nick just stole Andi from Brian when he already has a rose.  Chris then stole Andi for one last kiss.  But somehow, boy does it in a classy fashion.  Chris = class. 

Rose Ceremony

Josh, Marcus, and Chris get roses.  Brian and Dylan are going home. 

Next week should be more entertaining…hometowns always are.

The blooper was Dylan chasing Brian around with a pickle because Brian is actually terrified of pickles....no more good bloopers from here on out without those two around 

Andi Week Five/Six

We are predicting that Cody, Dylan, and Chris will go home based on previous screen time and different roid rage instances.

This week the children are in Venice. 

Andi surprises the guys when she meets them and tells them that they will have a one-on-one right now.  Cody is the only guy that hasn’t gotten a one-on-one and I think if he doesn’t get it he will go all Hulk Smash.  Hahaha Andi gave it to Nick.  Of course she did because showing favoritism right now is totally should happen after last week.  Nick didn’t even look excited.  Cody just put his hood up (the true gauge for how men feel- hood up=bad).  I really wish he would rip his shirt.  Cody says in a talking head that he is like the puppy of the group….well…kinda. 

On the date Andi and Nick are strolling through the streets of Venice.  To be fair, we can’t really blame her for not wanting Cody there…he would be like a bull in a china shop and just start breaking stuff.  His muscles would have nothing else to do.  Andi says that she needed this date to figure things out after last week.  She is glad that he is bringing up last week right away.

 

Cody’s name is not on the group date card which means that he is the other one-on-one.  The guys actually looked super excited for him and started patting him on the back…he really is their puppy!

Nick and Andi get really dressed up and they have dinner.  I want it to be in an opera house since Andi has a black mask...and it just might be one.  Andi gives Nick the rose and a really flamboyant mask for their “mascaraed ball”…which was a private concert.

Group Date aka "Who is Lying to Me?"

So Andi takes the lie detector test first.  We think she is doing this just to find out who her secret admirer is.  Becky thinks it is Chris.  Josh is particularly upset about the lie detector test because in his book, relationships are built on trust (he’s not wrong…) Chris isn't excited about it because he is the secret admirer (just like Becky guessed).  The guys handle it relatively well otherwise.  Dylan went back to the hotel after his test because he was sick.  When the Italian Mafia brought the results out, 3 guys told the truth, 2 guys told 2 lies, and 3 guys told 3 lies.  Andi’s face was not good.  BUT ANDI TOLD 2 LIES.  Josh said he didn't want to see but Brian ripped the results open.  However, Andi, FOR ONCE, did the right thing and ripped up the guys’ results which put all of them at ease.  Yet, when Josh got around to talking to Andi about how he felt about the lie detector, Andi was back in ridiculous mode and was not listening to a word he was saying.  He asked why she didn't trust him because a lie detector screams no trust (YES) she took those words to mean he didn't trust her….which is not what he said at all…but that’s Andi.  Silly Josh, you should have learned from Angel Eric that if you are actually open and honest Andi bites your head off.  They didn't kiss during this talk which means she will still be confused because the only way that she knows things are going well is if the guys make out with her.  Chris was the next guy to have her attention after Josh and he revealed that he was the secret admirer which turned her stupid duck face-y frown upside down! (roll your eyes people cause Andi cray-cray) This announcement won him a rose.  Surprise Surprise! JJ is going to just be outright confrontational instead of finding someone else to do his dirty work… I think he is sensing the end coming…

Cody has a date….but he’s probably going home. 

 Andi says that she wants to find out if there is a possibility of romance.  She thinks it might take Venice to find it.  Honey, if you need Venice to fin romance, you ain’t gonna find it.  What would happen when you get back to the US? Would the magic be gone? They go to the official office that answers the letters that people write to Juliet.  They get to answer some, although I seriously doubt that Andi wrote anything that was actually helpful.  Cody read his letter out loud and it was actually decent.  He is trying so hard on this date and Andi looks like she’s hanging out with her puppy.  At the end of the night he starts going off about how he wants to introduce her to his family and how he has felt this great connection with her and he wants to get to know her more…and Andi looks like death warmed over.  She starts crying and he starts talking faster.  Son, this ship is going DOWN.  Andi says she respects him too much to keep him around more.  She doesn't want to hurt him.  WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM ON THIS ONE-ON-ONE?!? What happened to the good old days when people like Emily would just cut people loose as soon as they knew they would not marry that person? Cody should have been gone weeks ago, and Andi knows that.  However, Cody did handle the exit the best of any one to date…except maybe Angel Eric.  I’m gonna give them a tie on this one.

Rose Ceremony

Right off the bat Nick ticks everyone off.  Even though boy has a rose from his one-on-one, he stole Andi before she could even finish her hello to the group.  Chris in particular is verbal about this.  He is a gentleman though and would wait his turn since he had a rose.  I do like him.  This farmer should just be the next bachelor.  He doesn't deserve this Andi crap fest.  Just from the clips of the different guys talking to Andi, we think JJ will actually go home.  We never saw Andi talking to him and he still seems vaguely angry and ruffled…like he senses his impending doom.  Josh talks to Andi again to make sure that she understood him last time (shocker-she didn't) We suspect that his lack of making out with her (Andi’s ever coveted non-verbal communication) has dropped him from his lead spot.  He’s talking too much.  Andi is ironically confused by words and honesty-probably because she doesn't like to listen to the end of sentences.

For the first time in forever (you all have that Frozen song in your head now, don’t you) Chris Harrison talks with Andi for a significant amount of time before she hands out roses. 

Dylan, Brian, Marcus, and Josh get roses.  That means JJ is going home.  As one of the girls says, he is the definition of haggard. Andi is just talking and talking instead of letting JJ leave.  This is the last we will see of the fanciful pants and the man who I imagine makes them by hand…or with magical Disney mice…

Oh good, we are to the point of the drawn-out-video-in-the-car-as-they-leave part of the show.  Awww, even his bow tie is droopy. 

Next week the guys will be in Brussels. 

The blooper this week was by far the best part of the show.  During the lie detector test one of the questions was “have you ever fought in public?”  However, the reader’s accent made it sound like “have you ever fart in public?” The guys’ reactions were spectacular! A couple of them started laughing, Chris was sooo serious, and Brian was still talking about it afterwards.  It was hilarious.  

Andi week 4...but technically week 5

Andi Week Too Many To Count

ABC is promising me boat loads of drama…but so far they haven’t delivered.  It better all come up tonight ABC, cause I’m getting bored.  Angel Eric is gone and Marquel doesn't get enough screen time.   My interest is waning while my annoyance with Andi is waxing.  That’s right I’m going lunar calendar on this.

Josh is super excited for his date card even though he can’t read a word beyond their respective names. Ironically Andi doesn't even speak French so we know Andi copied that card verbatim from some ABC lackey.  

Chris Harrison is coming to talk to Andi in all his turtleneck glory.  It would look so much better without the jacket.  The patterns do not match.  Chris calls Andi out on falling for more than one guy….perchance all the ones she has made out with??

Andi is SOO EXCITED to go on a date with Josh.  She has something so exciting planned for him today! My guess is a make out session…and it is!  Andi wants to dig deeper.  Josh better watch what he says…we all know what happens if you are too honest with her…you get sent home in a flurry of crazy childlike tantrums.  EW! FREAKING SHUT OFF THE MICS WHEN THEY ARE MAKING OUT!  Josh and Andi went on a boat ride and are now sitting on some “great rocks that overlook the Mediterranean Sea.  It’s a great place to get to know each other better.”  ….you are literally sitting on a bench.  How is this so much better than anywhere else?  Andi has got a mouth on her…ABC has already bleeped her multiple times.  I love that Andi’s irrational reaction to fear is to shut the guys out and not explain anything.  Then it is super easy to send them home and say that you have no connection.  Honey if you shut the valve off on the flow of communication of course it won’t work.  You are starving the relationship before it can even start. 

  

Wow.  I did not call JJ being such an instigator.  Did Andrew like insult JJ’s bow tie the first night?  Why is he out to start fights through other people?  Poor Marquel.  He deserves better than this.

Josh and Andi are talking about the way that they were both cheated on and he gets a rose.  She likes that Josh got her to put her guard down.  She prejudged him and she was wrong.  Too bad she couldn't see that with Angel Eric….

AND the private concerts are back.  Apparently helicopters will not be making a comeback this year.  Private concerts for the win. Seriously I don’t need sound effects for their make out sessions.   

Hahaha Andi sent a blank card to the guys for the group date.  Their perplexed faces were totally worth it.  Andi is taking the guys miming.  She says that it will help them with relationships.  How??? Haha one of the girls says it’s because she doesn't know how to communicate.  YES! Andi says that there is no better way to communicate than nonverbal….well that would be accurate to her life…

I bet Marquel is going to be great at this.  The guys practice for a while and are somehow shocked that they will have to perform “in front of all of France!” Andi, honey, you know they won’t be in front of the entire country of France.  Your hyperbole is not amusing.  All the guys give it a go, except for Nick, and Marquel is adorable and definitely the best (called it).

Oh Good! This is where all the fighting should happen—the lighting looks just right for drama. 

JJ takes Andi to a Ferris wheel because what better way to get to know each other? But back at the cocktail party there is drama afoot.  Cody basically calls Nick out as portraying himself as arrogant and above everyone else.  I am surprised at how many guys jumped onto that bandwagon.  Cody, with a plunging v, is jumping down Nick’s throat…almost as deep as his v…  Cody is such a Vienna. 

After forcing Chris to talk about the drama she felt in the room and talking to Cody, Andi confronts Nick.  He doesn't want to talk about it really but she says, “If I was your wife would you tell me?” FREAKING WHAT?!?! Talk about manipulative!! She tells Nick that she can feel when drama happens, she’s not stupid…..eeeehhhhhh.  She is questioning everything! What if she doesn't really know the real Nick?!?! Oh well, she’ll just kiss him. 

Meanwhile Marquel confronts Andrew in the best fashion I have ever seen.  He did it in front of the guys because he wanted his stance on race to be known.  He told the others not to join in.  He said his peace, listened to Andrew, said he why he did it in front of everyone and walked away.  Even Andrew’s bromance buddy Patrick said that Marquel handled it the best.

Andrew just freaking tried to throw Marquel under the bus.  You leave him alone!

JJ gets the rose…wow that little instigator has definitely flown under the radar as a source of trouble.  I don’t’ think the guys even know that he is behind most of the drama.

Andi is excited to go on a date with Brian after the drama of the night before.  Everything is going great until Andi’s ridiculous expectations aren't met and she reads into everything in the worst possible way.  Brian cannot cook and he told her this.  One would think that a guy might be less affectionate when he feels really out of his element and insecure because a rose is on the line.  However, Andi is wondering if this means the end of them.  Brian knows that the pressure is on.  He understands that he needs to be really forward. Brian steps up just starts kissing Andi and gets a rose for his efforts.

Basically what we are gleaning from this is that if the guys are not actively trying to make out with Andi all the time that means that they don’t want her….well, she is all about nonverbal communication….

Andi decides to cancel the cocktail party and just have a rose ceremony and she is planning on sending 3 guys home.  Patrick is giving these sage words about how you need to value every minute they have with her---you haven’t had any...why are you giving sage words?

Andi looks like she is channeling Elsa and those relationships that aren't working she is just going to “let it go.”

Marcus gets a rose.  Nick gets a rose.  Chris gets a rose.  Dylan gets a rose.  Cody got the final rose! What? Marquel totally deserved that one.  Well…at least both parts of the bromance will get to leave at the same time.  It will be interesting to see how this all plays out at the men tell all when Andrew will see that JJ was behind it all. 

Marquel! You are precious!

Previews!

ANDI IS FREAKING MAKING THEM TAKE LIE DETECTOR TESTS! She is going to give me an aneurysm.  My brain is going to pop.  Watching this show is turning into a cross between What Not To Wear and the Bachelor.  Seriously, anything that Andi does should not be repeated. Ever.  She is the ice queen and the master of manipulation.  She does not listen to the guys and doesn't trust a word they say.  Awesome.  This is going to be great for ratings because her crazy pants antics will lead to a full blown meltdown.  Marquel, be glad you got out when you could.  

There is a Storm Brewing

Week 3, Part 1

Chris Harrison surprises the guys and tells them that they get to join Andi in Santa Barbara.  Santa Barbara should probably sue ABC for damages because the lack of enthusiasm from the guys has definitely convinced me to never go there.  Andi picks Nick for the first one-on-one in Santa B.  He was shockingly realistic about this process which just strikes me as funny.  He says that she is a beautiful girl and he’ll see if it’s worth sticking around.  I applaud this man! No desperation and a clear head on his shoulders! Snatch that man up.  But of course, the guys think that he isn't being “real.” 

Personally, I find the cameras that are mounted on their bikes weird.  They are at unflattering angles.  Andi should have had a say in their placement-girls care about things like that...Nick is having a really good time on the date…but it makes me wonder what trouble is brewing in the house.  Wow.  He is even being honest about how he is slightly skeptical and how he struggles with being unsure of where he stands.  They have an adorable and open conversation.  I may not hate watching them…interesting.  Unfortunately, my sister just pointed out that Nick has a slight lisp.  AND IT CAN’T BE UNHEARD!

What is Nick’s jacket?!?! Are you a sleuth? Do you work for Scruff McGruff from Chicago Illinois 60652?

 But Andi’s earrings are quite cool.  Andi has handled all of the guys who have said they had previous engagements really well.  Seriously girl, kudos. Andi likes the way that Nick views things and she gives him the rose. Aaaannnnd they make out on top of a clock tower.  He is guy number 3 to get kisses.  But the first one to not start kissing after dancing…

Group date guys are Brian, Marquel, Male Vienna, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Sober Charlie Sheen, Josh, Angel Erick, Drew, Patrick, and Marcus. Andi takes the guys to a classical musical studio.  Once they get inside they see Boys II Men standing there.  The guys FREAK out-Marquel particularly.  He’s doing a bit of fangirling.  Sober Charlie Sheen needs to cut it out.  He is annoying.  But the Josh's impressions of his opera singing are hilarious.  Best part of this entire thing is how the members of Boys II Men make fun of how horrible everyone is at singing.  SOBER CHARLIE SHEEN NEEDS TO SHUT HIS FACE. Your incessant bragging makes me want to punch you and also applaud the guys for not smacking that smug look off your face.  Apparently Tasos is the only other one who can sing.  Marquel is bringing his swagger though.  The guys are so ‘shocked’ and ‘appalled’ that they are not only practicing with Boys II Men but that they are also singing in concert with them.  Paaahleeezee.  This happens every year.  Marquel is still freaking out which is adorable.  Male Vienna is also freaking out, but it is less adorable.  Best part of the concert is the little girl in the crowd who firmly planted her hands on her ears.  Boys II Men said that if this is any indication of who she should pick Andi should be alone.  Hahaha that’s wonderful. 

Andi pulls a strange prank on Male Vienna.  She pretends that the other guys have told her that he was a girlfriend.  He handled it well, but that’s all that they showed.  It was interesting.  AW Angel Eric was insecure.  Marcus is going for the first kiss and he gets it.  Do you know that you are number 4? Ohho ho, but Josh also gets to make out with Andi.  They actually seem more like a couple.  Josh got the rose.  Marcus looks crushed…and yet I wonder how Sober Charlie Sheen will take it… Marcus doesn't think their connection is as good as the one he has with Andi.  It's almost adorable how  naive he is...

 Stop ruining the Boys II Men song!

JJ has the next one-on-one.  Oh goodness gracious his pants.  I'm sure he made them.  They are going to be made over into old people.  When they see each other they just start laughing.  JJ goes off about how she looks way better when she’s old than he does.  Andi keeps saying that this is what it feels like to grow old with someone.  No! No its not! Having makeup done for a couple of hours does not equate to spending your life with someone! That’s just stupid.  But at least JJ isn't saying amazingly stupid things. He can say with confidence that he is falling for her regardless of her looks. He was also really precious when he said that if this is what she would look like in 50 years, sign him up!

Ron had to leave the show because of a death of a close friend. 

I always find it massively interesting how people don’t actually listen to what the other person is saying.  JJ is talking about how he is unique enough that he doesn't know if he can find a girl like her who will accept him as he is.  He didn't say anything about shying away from who he is or changing…just how he didn't know if a girl like her would want a guy like him.  Yet, that is how Andi took it--as him shying away from himself.  She said his uniqueness is what drew her to him…but let’s be real honey, you are not going to pick him.  Let him go before he gets super attached.  …does she listen at all? 

Cocktail Party

Andi is telling the guys that she feels for Ron and that she genuinely cares about each of them.  She said that she wanted to enjoy the time she had with everyone. Yet…somehow it seems like she wasn't saying anything.

Hahaha.  Angel Eric got totally blocked by Nick sending Andi flowers.  He had a thoughtful note that made Andi smile the entire time she read it.  It completely through off Angel Eric and won Nick some serious alone time. 

JJ decides to wear crazy pants and to talk to Josh about how Andrew got a girl’s number on the last group date.  I really hope they decide to bring this to Andi’s attention before the rose ceremony.  It would be so great to just blow the roof off this place with drama.  JJ’s pants are sooo distracting.  I don’t know whether to stare at the pants to listen to the drama.  What is that psychedelic pattern? Why on earth does it exist?  Triple J (JJ & Josh) confront Andrew.  He walks away and crazy pants JJ follows him and keeps talking.  SO naturally the cameras follow too. 

Marcus pulls Andi aside to remind her that he thinks about her even when she’s not around.  Oh no, he thinks that he is the only one with a connection with her…nope.  Son, you are not going to last long.  Excellent! Andrew is now ready for the warpath.  It became a simple shouting match that delivered- someone was called a “grown ass man!”

Rose Ceremony

Nick, JJ, and Josh have roses.  Marcus gets a rose.  Brian gets a rose-go basketball coach! Marquel gets a rose.  That man has a devilish grin.  Tasos gets a rose.  So far, I am in full support of her choices.  Man Vienna gets a rose.  Patrick gets a rose.  I literally know NOTHING about him.  Who are you? Chris gets a rose! Yay farmer! Angel Eric gets a rose—but let’s be real, she owned him after that flower stunt Nick pulled.  Dylan got a rose.  Andrew got the final rose, naturally.  Any drama automatically equals safety for at least one more week. 

Thank the Lord that Sober Charlie Sheen is leaving.  Brett the hairstylist is also going home. 

Best part of the night: the singing bloopers :)

Tomorrow night is going to be ridiculous.

Side Note
Nick has reminded me of some actor for a while and I finally figured out who! 

Nick 

Peter MacNicol

Andi finds out that alcohol is not conducive to this process

Week 2

The guys are LOVING the place that they are staying in.

Chris Harrison says that Andi is one of the best they have ever had on the show…interesting…hope the past contestants didn’t hear you. He explains the standard rules that they should all know by now. He also brings the first date card.  The main thing I have learned from this is that Chris Harrison looks really good in purple.

The first date card: of course-it’s Angel Eric.  This episode is going to be PAINFUL.

Dylan isn’t happy about this…and he also has the creepy bad guy greasy curl going on.  Also, anyone who says anything bad about Angel Eric is going to feel like a total jerk when they re-watch this. 

One-On-One

They built a sandcastle and flew a kite.  AND THEN A CHOPPER CAME.  So this makes our first chopper of the season.  We’ll keep track to see if it will reign supreme or if private concerts will still be the go-to for the surprises.  They land on the top of the mountain.  The first thing Angel Eric does is give Andi his sweatshirt which is super sweet.  They are going to snowboard.  Apparently Andi is not talented in this front. Angel Eric has some skill and he is excited to teach her how.  They end the date by spending the evening in a cabin. Shocker! Dead guy gets a rose. 

Soooo the group date…..the guys are going to be stripping “for charity.”  Good heavens, this is ridiculous.  The only comical part is the firefighter who got assigned to the firefighters group.  It led to a lot of jokes like “do you wear this at work too?” And that is all I have to say about this portion of the date.  It was ridiculous and too much.  It should not have happened.  None of their dates with stripping should ever happen.

I can’t tell if Cody, male Vienna, is more excited about the house they are in or about Andi being there.  Craig wants to drink-now.  Brian is very passionate about teaching.  He said that he was super nervous but that he danced because it was for a good cause….eeeeeehhhhh.  I’m not so sure about that and I’m not sure that his bosses would be okay with this either.  Andi also hit it off with Josh.  Craig is having trouble with the stripping.  He is compensating with the awkwardness of the dancing by drinking a lot.  He kept asking for shots and said “this is about to get real!”…yeah, real stupid. Sober Charlie Sheen is singing for Andi.  Meanwhile Craig, who is super trashed, is looking for Andi.  However, it is leading to some pretty funny comments about cut off points and drinking too much.  Oh no! He keeps taking shots! The guys are trying to look out for him.  They at least pointed him in the direction of the deep end of the pool before he jumped.  One of the guys is swimming with him so that he doesn't get hurt.  Wow.  They even brought producers in to calm him down.  Oh good.  Andi is questioning everything because one person got drunk.  One.  And this means that now she doesn't know why they are all here.  Marcus steps in and calms her down and wins himself the rose. 

Chris the farmer has the second one-on-one.  Andi is excited for this and is dressed in her 40s glam.  She thankfully has a change of clothes for Chris because he came in shorts and a polo.  They are going to a horse race.  They talk to an old couple who have been together 55 years.  They are precious…and probably planted by ABC…. They spend the entire day at the track and have the place to themselves that night.  He tells her about his previous engagement and that Andi was the girl he was hoping for.  She is super encouraged and gives him a rose.  AND THERE IS A SURPRISE! WHAT COULD IT BE??? A concert. This leaves us with choppers and private concerts tied for this week.  BUT WAIT! Chris gets the first kiss of the season! Which leads to a straight up make-out session.  I wonder if he will be Andi’s Arie…

Cocktail Party

Andi is wearing a disco ball for a dress.  And her theme for this week is “NO SETTLING” and her overuse of the phrase “oh stawp!” is going to make me smack someone.  Marquel is wearing too many patterns.  But he is so fine.  If only he would have brought cookies again.  Andi thinks that all of the guys are stepping it up tonight.  She just realized that “I am really starting to get to know these guys!” This is ridiculous.  Josh M. is a mess tonight.  He rambled and touched her face in a weird way.  He asked for more time because he is having problems.  Somehow they start dancing and then kissing.  Maybe this is the key: spin Andi around and she gives a kiss. Hahahah Craig sang Andi a song for messing up and getting drunk.  It was hysterical, especially because of the group of guys that snuck over to the window to hear it. 

Rose Ceremony

Angel Eric, Marcus, and Chris all have roses from their respective dates.

Chris Harrison introduces our walking disco ball to dispense the remaining roses.  Ron gets the first rose.  Dylan gets a rose. Bill Nye’s son gets a rose…cause making pants is still impressive.  Marquel gets a rose.  Andrew gets a rose.  So one half of the bromance is safe.  Tasos gets a rose.  Josh gets a rose, which isn't surprising since he’s one of the two guys she made out with.  EW! Male Vienna got a rose.  Nick V. gets a rose.  Patrick gets a rose- the bromance is safe! Brian gets a rose.  And the hairdresser gets a rose. And clean Charlie Sheen gets the final rose.

Carl, the firefighter, went home.  As did Nick S. and Craig.  Nick S. was collateral damage from helping Craig while he was drunk and in the pool. 

COMING SOON

The guys are going to sing with Boys II Men, playing basketball, someone is going to be accused of being here for the wrong reasons.  Andi is going to ugly cry? And she will definitely give a lecture on taking things seriously.

There She Goes Again

Well kids, it’s that time again:  Summer Bachelorette Season!

Andi Dorfman is our girl, though to be honest I didn’t make it through all of Juan’s season…so I don’t remember much about her.

Chris Harrison starts us off with the most awkward and brief eulogy before they play the footage of Andi from her opener in Juan Pablo’s season-they didn't even re-shoot it.  She bores us with the usual “I would do anything for love” spiel….if only someone would say “BUT I WON’T DO THAT!” and walk off the show…but then where would the show be?  “I just want to be real with everyone and fall in love!” Oh honey.  You are in for a world of hurt.  Or as my mother says “You are gonna cry buckets!”

From the montage of Andi trying on clothes and makeup, I am learning that for Andi, falling in love is going to be like shopping…although this is the bachelorette so it really is.  Just pick your make and model…I’m voting for that hunky black man with the great smile. Andi’s sister comes to help her pick a dress for the night and to give her sisterly advice.  The best part of this entire montage is my mother’s comments.  When Andi tries on a particularly low cut dress all my mother says is “she had better not sneeze…”

THE GUYS ARE HERE

First up is Marcus.  Andi makes him put his hands out and points out that he is shaking.  He “has a lot to give and offer.”  Andi thinks he is quite hot.

Chris the farmer gets out next.  He automatically gets a solid vote from me.

Bill Nye’s kid is the next one out of the car.  Solid bowtie.  His name is JJ and he makes pants?

HOT BLACK MAN IS HERE!! Marquel.  So fine.  Just pick him now.

Tasos, the wedding event coordinator, has arrived.  He wants to recreate the lover’s bridge with Andi.  Short and sweet.  Well done Tasos. 

Cody pushes the car as the first lame gimmick of the night.

Steven has surfer boy hair and Andi calls him on it immediately. 

Rudie asks if he can approach the bachelorette leading to our second lame gimmick of the night.  Ew. Stop with the attorney humor.  Gross.  Two attorneys talking all night would be awful.

Carl is a firefighter and also very fine.  He gives her a globe ornament which is actually kinda sweet.

Jason has stalker hair.  OR SUNSHINE from Remember the Titans! If he can throw a football I’m in.  But alas, his introduction is as awkward as his hair.

Nick V. is wearing a pok-a-dot tie and that’s all I remember.

Dylan is an accountant and looks equally as boring as his profession.  And he is as socially awkward as his profession.  But he has a cute face…he may be redeemable. 

Patrick brought our token sports ball.  He drop kicked a soccer ball away and as my friends says, “he’s kicking Juan Pablo memories to the curb.”

Emil is a helicopter pilot and I am super distracted by his name. 

Brett brought a lamp.  He is a hairstylist.  He should go home.  Haha!  Andi said that they need to return the lamp to the hotel. 

Craig is another accountant.  And he shows up by popping a bottle of champagne.  HE is like an overexcited puppy.

Ron is yet another very attractive black man.  Can I be Andi? He was smooth as butter.

Bradley is an opera singer.  He wants to singer for her later. He also is a shining example of what Charlie Sheen could look like if hadn't taken drugs...also see Emilio Estevez.  

Josh B. is like the forth guy wearing gingham.  He was cute though.

Nick S. drove a golf cart up.  He says that he is professional golfer….interesting. Who has to move the cart?

Brian is a basketball coach and he is precious!  He’s blushing and is super sweet.  He is going to be the one that has his heart broken.

Andrew is also wearing gingham! Did gingham make a deal with the guys? (side note: final count on the gingham was 4 shirts and 2 ties, which is ridiculous!)

Mike is bartender and also has awful hair. Eh. And an awful laugh. 

Eric, the dead man, is here.  He brought her dolls! And now its all weird cause you’re rooting for him, but he’s not among the living…

Man I was so distracted by angel Eric that I didn't catch the next guys name…

As Andi starts to go off the tracks with getting excited about the possibilities my mother mumbles “ack, simmer down!”

I don’t know who Andi is talking to, but my friend thinks he looks like Jafar. On to Marquel who talks to Andi-with cookies!! He shows her the most important cookie, the black and white cookie.  “Look to the cookie.  Look to the black and white cookie.” Angel Eric is talking to Andi and my mother has started making angel wings.  They are going to show all of the footage of him and make all of America feel horrible.

WhaAATT? Bird Chris wants to meet Andi? Why? You were from like…Emily’s season….and I remember nothing about you except a strong dislike of you and your beaky nose.

Andi is very interested by Tasos…he is different than what she has dated in the past.  SHE FOUND HER ONE F JEF!  When the opera dude sings he REALLY looks like Charlie Sheen!!! (with less crack).  And the other guys look like they hate him for his talent.

We are watching a bromance bloom.  Patrick and Andrew.  They both dress well and are into formula one cars.  They are both “a step above everyone else.”

So Chris Harrison tells Andi about the walk on in the driveway.  He tells her that this man has come to try and win her heart, but he can’t even say it without laughing because Bird Chris is an attention whore.  Andi says no, she will not meet him and upset the other men that have actually prepared to come here and be with her.  And apparently Bird Chris has been hanging out and waiting for days.  Harrison asked him how he knew when they were filming.  “I didn’t! That’s why I’ve been waiting so long!”

Nick V. left a lasting impression on Andi so she gives him the first impression rose.  All I remember about him is that he has 10 siblings…

ROSE CEREMONY

JJ, or Bill Nye’s son, gets a rose.  I mean, he did give her pants.  Angel Eric gets a rose.  Marquel gets a rose! She looked to the cookie!! (But seriously, can I has?)  Craig gets a rose.  Tasos gets a rose.  Josh gets a rose.  Brian gets a rose!  He is so precious with his coaching.  Bradley, aka Charlie Sheen sans crack, gets a rose.  Marcus gets a rose. Andrew gets a rose.  I hope Patrick gets one so that the bromance can continue.  Ron, other attractive black man, gets a rose.  Firefighter gets a rose.  Chris gets a rose.  Dillon gets a rose.  Most of these guys I don’t remember.  Brett, lamp guy, gets a rose.  Patrick got a rose! The bromance will live on!  Cody, or as we will now call him man-Vienna, got a rose.  Nick S got the final rose.  So no roses for the long haired men.  (Cut your hair! It will help!)

HIGHLIGHTS

A hard to walk in gold dress. Mimes! France! Copious amounts of pigeons.  A giant clock.  Angel Eric.  One on ones.  LOTS of kissing.  More Angel Eric.  Dangly earrings. More gingham. Jealousies! A poor attempt at making us believe that Andi will quit the show!!