In Paradise!

That’s right ladies and gents, we are embarking on an acid filled adventure with “the broken hearted” that are taking another stab at love….it’s going to be bloody. Literally.  That’s what the previews say.

To get us excited about the season, ABC plays the same clip we have seen for 4 weeks.  There will be joy, laughter, tears, regrets, more tears, and a possible arrest?? And let’s not forget, Marquel!!!!

Chris Harrison welcomes Crazy Clare onto the island.  She is ready to find love.  She is not going to let one bump in the road keep her from finding love.  She wants a man to step up and say “I want you!”

Marcus is the first guy to come to the island.  He was at least smart enough to wear flip flops.  Crazy Clare had to take off her wedges to get to the special beach house which appears to be open to the elements.  The guests are excited and so are the bugs that are going to get into EVERYTHING.

Sarah is the next girl to come to island.  Marquel, Danielle (from Sean’s season I guess?), and Graham join the others.  I am personally excited to see this.  Michelle Money is also supposed to be on this and to watch stuff go down between these two should be good.  Lacy (from Juan Pablo’s season) comes.  The guys think she is gorgeous.  BENtley is BAAaaaccckkk.  He walks onto the beach just as Crazy Clare says “I hope there are no douchey guys here.  I can’t stand douchey guys.” Well done ABC.  The original crazy train, Michelle, is back.  Robert is also here.  Dylan is here.  Marquel runs to meet him and they chest bump on the beach. They are precious.  Elise is wearing the worst possible shoes for a beach…I’m pretty sure anyone’s grandmother could beat her in a foot race.  Seriously woman, you knew the title of the show right? There would be sand! And yet you wore those shoes…AshLee joins the group.  All of the girls are wearing stupid shoes. 

How the Show Works

Each week there will be Bachelor Style dates.  The date card will say who the bachelor(ette) is and they get to decide who to take on the date with them.  To stay on the island you have to be part of a couple.  There will be a rose ceremony each week.  This week there are 7 girls and 6 guys.  Therefore, all the guys are safe this week, but one girl will be going home.  Next week, the odds will be in the girls’ favor. Let the games begin! Hahaha as one of the girls here described it, basically we are watching the bachelor version of dodge ball.  Last one picked goes home….sad and alone…

The girls are feeling the pressure of being outnumbered.  Lacy comes in hot, taking Robert out to the ocean.  She basically makes him hold her up above the waves.  Later that evening, Marcus is moping out in the water.  Lacy goes out there to “get to know him better.”  Sarah is chaffing under the pressure.  She cannot stand watching Lacy through herself at multiple guys.  Everyone the beach was trying to figure out who Lacy likes better. 

Haahaha Crazy Clare and Marcus were talking when Dylan and (Elise? Danielle? A blond one?) Go frolicking in the ocean.  Marcus and Clare were basically making comments like regular viewers across America.  Once Dylan and Elise(?) start kissing Crazy Clare started commenting about how adorable they are.  Marcus comments that they are probably witnessing their first kiss.  It’s like they are the representation of all of us….

AshLee is complimenting Graham.  She is sure that they are meant to be.  I’m fairly certain that he has no idea the amount of insanity that just latched itself onto him…he should run, but he just doesn’t know it…where is Michelle Money??  I just want her to come in this episode!

Crazy Train sees the date card and summons the troops.   Sarah is still freaking out about the odds against her.  Crazy Clare is stoked to get the first date card.  Crazy Clare picks Graham.  The other guys are surprised but excited for him.  AshLee is instantly devastated.  She is whispering to herself.  She is sooo mad at Graham.  She is saying that “He couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours.”  Danielle says that AshLee looks crazy.  Danielle says that she is not going to keep going after Graham because she doesn’t want to get murdered in her sleep.  Hahaha ABC is making it look like Crazy Clare is talking to a raccoon when she is totally talking to a producer. 

Oh My Gosh! Crazy Clare is going to tell Graham that she thinks its best that she takes someone else on the date since AshLee is going bonkers.  Danielle says that she feels like she is in a soap opera because of all the drama.  Crazy Clare takes Robert with her.  Apparently they already knew each other, but she hasn’t thought about him in a romantic sense before.  But she thinks that they have chemistry….

Lacy is focusing on Marcus while Robert is gone.  BUT, Sarah got a date card and she asks Marcus.  Lacy is not doing well.  Also, in a slightly unrelated note, Lacy looks like a Pink Lady from Grease in her talking heads right now.  Which brings us to another question: why does she look so good in her talking heads but like a hot mess when she is with everyone else?  Her hair…what is her hair? When Robert and Clare get back, lacy talks to Robert because she is having a really rough night. 

Someone is coming!!!! Please be Michelle Money! Please be Michelle Money!  YEEEESSS IT IS!!!!!! And Graham looks pumped!!!!!  Game changer!  I’m going to be honest here, I had no good hopes for this show until I found out that Michelle Money was coming back. 

So Money walks in WITH A DATE CARD.  She grabs Graham to talk to him. Needless to say AshLee looks horrified.  The next morning AshLee goes to apologize to Graham because if he doesn’t give her a rose no one will.  And Money hasn’t picked her man yet for her date card.  AshLee is a crazed girl flailing as she is going down.  Money picks Marquel for her date.  She looks pumped as he accepts and they go to get ready.  While I could see how Money and Marquel could be adorable, I doubt that things are completely over between Money and Graham.  WHAT IF HE GIVES HER THE ROSE INSTEAD OF ASHLEE!?!?!? AshLee’s head would explode! I now want this almost as much as I wanted Money to show up tonight….

Lacy gets the next date card and she has a tough decision to make.  She is attracted to Robert and Marcus… she’s “80-40” ….no, honey, you “dumby-dumby” your percentages are supposed to add up to 100%.... not 120%  Marcus and Dylan are talking about how Lacy is putting “all of her eggs in Robert’s basket”…that’s not awkward wording at all….

Also, what is Lacy’s hair? Did she forget that her rollers were in?  And Dylan is giving horrible advice.  Don’t listen to Dylan.   

Here is why I love Michelle Money: she is super good at reading people and she can work a crowd.  Somehow she also is very maternal while still being in on just the right amount of drama.  Girl has skills.  She also gives THE BEST talking heads.  I would probably watch any incarnation of this show if she was on it.

SIDENOTE: Why is EVERYONE (except my girl Money) failing at English?!?

Marquel somehow pulls off the craziest outfits.  He is adorable no matter what he wears.  I’m fairly certain that he is the only person on the planet could pull off his style…which is appropriate cause there is no one like that boy. 

Rose Ceremony Time!

Marquel is first …but Crazy Train wants to say something and interrupts Marquel….And she is saying that she wants to go home?!?!  Therefore, only one girl is going home.

Back to Marquel—he picks my girl Money

Graham—AshLee (I feel like he just did this to avoid the wrath of the women) Sarah said he has to pick her or he’d “get his balls chopped off” But who would do this heinous act? Not AshLee if she went home! But alas, she stays.

Dylan—Elise (who is apparently already in love with Dylan?!?!) he should change his pick for next week…

Marcus—This gets interesting because he likes Lacy but told Sarah he would give her the rose if Lacy is safe.  The drama here is high people! Who will he choose!? Lacy…cause he is a game changer, that’s why! Robert will now have to pick someone else….probably Clare

Robert—Clare (as previously predicted, thank you very much)

BENtley—Sarah (and this is the first time I have ever liked this guy)

Danielle goes home…which is interesting because she had a lot of talking heads so I thought she might stay longer….no worries Money will keep us apprised of all the juicy details  

Basically, BENtley had no screen time.  I forgot he was on there until the whole will-Sarah-get-sent-home portion of the rose ceremony.  I wonder if he will be able to redeem himself on this show….picking Sarah was a good first move.  Dylan should probably run.  Elise seems uber desperate.  We have a love triangle between Robert, Marcus, and Lucy.  Graham, my boy, you are in trouble.  You need to find a way to drop AshLee.  Also, I’m fairly certain that Graham and Money have a pack to inform each other of what each gender group is thinking…should get interesting…

Next Week: why did Crazy Train really leave? Bird Beak Chris comes and someone jumps off of a balcony?!?

Armageddon: Bachelorette Edition

The Bachelorette: Des Edition Week 5

Mountains! Sledding! Lederhosen! Fireworks! Fancy chats with Chris Harrison! And drama galore!   In the midst of mountains, Des will walk listlessly as she sorts through the troubles.  And apparently will most likely fall in love with Brooks.  After all, he did have the most foreshadowed make-out time.

The scene opens with background yodeling and apparently a super sale on zip-up hoodies.  Literally everyone but Chris is wearing a zip-up hoodie.  But Chris has class, he will not dress like the other peasants. 

Chris Harrison welcomes them to Munich.  BENtley’s zip hoodie looks like the classic black and white striped prison uniform.  Again, Chris Harrison needlessly explains the date card system.  Michael really wants a one-on-one.  I hope he gets one too, if he will get the rose while he’s on it.  I would be way too sad if his snarky comments would get sent home.  In fact, I’d miss them on the group dates too.  Can he just go on both?  Again, ABC had outdone themselves with the place that they set the guys up in.  But this time it is not part of a towel factory.

Hahaha.  Hashtag said in German that “I will happily in Germany kiss you.” 

One-on-One

Chris and his classy sweater get the one-on-one and he can apparently read German, but does he understand it?  THAT is the question.  

Military Man is still torn about being on the show.  He looks like he is sitting in a torture chamber while he is around the other guys.  He is confiding in James?  Really? Mob hair is your confiding buddy?  After Des left on the date with Chris, he realized that this isn't for him…and he leaves the hotel to go find Des.

Des and Chris are super corny on their date.  They reenact Lady and the Tramp with sausages, dance around, and take pictures with street people.  Chris naively says that he doesn't think anything could go wrong.  Oh wait, you sweet, classy man.  Military Man is about to crash your date.  Military Man is stopping random German people and asking them if they have seen television cameras.  Kudos to him for not asking if they have seen a girl and a guy walking together, as most of the contestants would have.  Dang it! A guy that actually has smarts is leaving!  As he’s walking he says that he hopes that this won’t ruin their date.  Um…of course it will!  Oh no! He’s just waiting at the edge of the group of people watching Chris and Des dance.  Why do you have to leave like a creeper! You were my favorite!  Well, I guess I’ll be solidly team Michael after this.

Military Man was super smart to ask Chris if he could borrow Des to tell her something.  Chris says that he can and then he sits down to wait.  The camera men apparently got bored too cause they are filming pigeons…fat pigeons.  Des can tell it’s coming.  He tells her he’s leaving and she says goodbye.  She now questions if other guys will not be here for her.  Remember the rap people! She wants someone whose here for the right reasons! Right reasons! Cue Soulja Boy.

With awkward eye/camera contact, Military Man leaves.  Des heads back to Chris and has a talking head that says that she won’t let this affect her date.  Yeah. Sure. Those tears will TOTALLY not change the mood of your date at all.  Chris did make the most of the opportunity by assuring Des that he is here for her.  (Which IS the right reason, just in case anybody missed that theme). 

What is going on with the camera men?  Is there an art student among them? Seriously, there are weird shots of statues and things. We were just treated to the visual delight of a statue of a Lion holding a whisk.

Juan Pablo, James, Hashtag, Shirtless Wonder, Brooks, Jake 2.o, Mikey get the group.  That means that MICHAEL AND BENtley WILL BE ON A TWO-ON-ONE!!!!!  BEST IDEA EVER!!!!!!!  No good will come of this.  It will be great.

Back to Chris and Des, for a classy dinner.  They are in a palace like place for dinner and Des is trying to out-sparkle the THREE chandeliers in the dining room.  Chris commends her on how she handled the Military Man situation.  His talking head says silly things like he “doesn't have to worry about the other guys, about what time I have to go to bed…”  Really?  DO they give you a bed time or are you arbitrarily giving that to yourself?  She asks him what he is looking for and he tells her that he wants a relationship.  She says what she needs and dun dun DUN: POETRY! Smooth, just smooth. He wrote her more poetry and reads it to her.  Well done, especially after her troubles of today.  Congratulations Chris.  You are now a front runner and the proud winner of Kisses!  And to continue the streak: a private concert!  Concerts are definitely the new black….and this season’s version of helicopters.

Group Date

Des missed the memo on wearing sunglasses.  James is comparing group dates to a herd of sheep…does that make Des… Bo Peep?  Or is she a wolf???  They did get a fantastic view of the mountains.  Jake 2.0 says that he had more fun watching her than looking at the mountains.  They can see Germany and Austria from either sides. 

Yeah! Jaun Pablo imitates a yodeler.   But he is confused and doesn't know what he is called. “Juggler? Jeweler?”  The guys try to yodel with the yodeler.  They throw their arms around him and then squeal.  Des is so glad they are “embracing the culture.”  Literally.  The guys are taken to sleds which is their way down the mountain.  Jake 2.o is sure that something bad will happen.  Shirtless Wonder says that love is “just like sledding down this hill” cause you have to have fun and just let go.  True to prophecy, someone runs into Des.  At the bottom of the hill they have a snowball fight.

Cut to Michael, Chris, and BENtley sitting in the room.  We wonder if they don’t have a TV.  We have never seen the guys watching anything.  Maybe it’s to make them hang out and talk about their feelings.  You know, deprive them of TV to make ratings.  The date card comes and Chris gets it.  My guess is that he wanted the momentary reprieve retrieving the card would give him from the stifling tension in the room.  The date card the poem: Two guys, one rose. One stays, one goes.  Our question is, which Chris wrote that?  The host or the contestant?  Michael is ready to send BENtley home.  This should be good.

Back on the group date they head towards some mounds of snow with doors in them.  The guys don't seem to know what they are.  One of the girls here shouted "Igloos!" and from the frumpy outside they must have spent all the money on the inside.  And they did.  Inside, is carved the coolest hotel igloo thing.  It. Looks. Awesome.  Des tells the guys that if they don’t see themselves with her, to just leave (a la Military Man).  She wants honestly…and the right reasons! (Can I get a Soulja Boy?)

Brooks assures Des that he is here for her and doesn't even get through with his sharing session before he is given his reward.  Des just grabs his face and starts sucking face before he can even finish his statement.  Next up for some alone time is Mikey.  He suggests making mini snowmen.  Des LOVES that idea.  Kid in a candy store face.  Mikey suggests making their family of 5…or 10.  (I don't think he knows what he's asking with 10 kids).  As they are talking, Shirtless Wonder sneaks out with drinks and positions himself a ways away and yodels over to Des to come talk to him.  They both laugh, but in his talking head, Mikey wants to kill Shirtless Wonder.  However, Des thinks it’s hilarious.  Also, we are 98% sure that he is Not wearing a shirt under his coat.  Wait. He is. But, naturally, it’s a V-neck. 

Oh interesting.  Brooks is going to go find Des to take her away from James…who is apparently a jerk with the other guys.  Wait. Nope.  He just creepily watches them make out.  This show will break him; he is far too sensitive for this.  We want to know what happened to Juan Pablo’s air time.  Where is it?  Why is there not more of it?  Also, James is wearing a girl scarf. There are sparkly threads in it.

Two-on-One

BENtley is talking about how this will be a one-on-one with himself and Des.  Michael will just be an awkward third party.  Michael thinks that Des wants him to help her show the bad boy that is BENtley.  The car ride is THE WORST.  Good news: there are booze in the car!  Des knows that this will be extremely awkward; yet, she is excited for this date.  No honey, you are not.  I think she is entirely unaware of how much they don’t like each other.  This is a hilarious competition.  Michael comes out of the gate with compliments for Des and more chivalry then BENtley.  However, when the awkwardness is mentioned, Michael says that he likes confrontation.  Hmm….

Des tells them that they are going to do the Polar Bear Plunge.  After they get into their swimsuits, she tells them that they are actually riding in a hot tug.  That’s right.  A hot tub/tug boat thing.  Michael starts attacking BENtley.  Des is stuck in a bad situation.  Who didn't see that coming??? Des.  Des didn't.

Back at the hotel, the guys are talking.  Mikey is getting a face massage from James.  That’s right Mob Hair is giving Mob Attitude a face massage.  In another room, Jake 2.0 and Hashtag tell Chris and Brooks a story about James.  Where is Juan Pablo?  Did they even put him in the same hotel suite??? Maybe he is having a non serious party with Shirtless Wonder who is also missing from this huddle.

Back on the date, they go to a cabin for dinner.  Michael looks like he is on the war path.  In his war conference with the private camera, he says that he will have Des’ back and defend her honor.  It hasn't even been 5 minutes and Michael is starting a fight.  We are going to start counting how many times Des takes a drink.  We are already up to two.  Des tries to ask BENtley questions and Michael attacks every answer that BENtley gives. He actually does that enough that BENtley excuses himself to go outside.  Des tells Michael that she is not happy with how he is going about the date.  Her talking head shares the glorious idea of sending the two of them home.  We doubt she will do that though.  ABC is WAY too clever at their editing to give something like that away.  Crap.  BENtley totally just saved his butt with what he said when Des came to check on him.  Des admits in a talking head that she knows that it is troublesome that BENtley doesn't get alone with the other guys.  However, she doesn't see it.  I am afraid that she is reading the signs, but ignoring what they mean.  At least she is smart enough to ask Michael why he is so passionate against BENtley.  Although this has definitely not been his finest moment, I still wish that Michael would get the rose.  Des brings everyone back to give out the rose.  Although we haven't seen her drink anymore, there is no alcohol left on that table...in anyone's glasses.  Des says nice things to both guys and then says that she is going to give the rose to the person that she can picture a life with.  AND SHE PICKED MICHAEL!!! There was much rejoicing in our house.  Still, he has a lot of work to do after tonight because he did not handle this well.  He ended up looking like a jerk.  Hahaha.  There was much rejoicing in the guy’s suite when BENtley’s bags were taken.  His limo ride was ridiculous.  He was very vindictive and stupid in his comments.  You are still on camera buddy.  They WILL play anything you say.

Rose Ceremony

It’s time for our fancy chat with Chris Harrison.  Des says that this is a pivotal week.  Apparently, she may do something different this week.   Maybe send no one home? Chris Harrison only wants to talk about kissing.  That man wants ratings and he wants them now! After their silly conversation, Chris Harrison actually asks her his usual therapist questions about what has been happening. 

The guys are talking about how they all want to talk to her.  Jake 2.0 and Hashtag have talking heads that say they want to tell Des about what they overheard.  Des, however, tells Chris Harrison that she doesn't want a cocktail party.  Is anybody else disappointed that this was her idea of doing something different.  Honey, it's been done...by everybody...Hahaha.  Juan Pablo makes an “oooohhh” noise when he sees her walk into the room.  After learning that there is no cocktail party, Jake 2.0 starts to look ill.  The best is the shot of James talking with Jake 2.0 standing behind him, looking like batman.  Seriously.  He’s not the hero that Des deserves, but the hero that Des needs.  Jake 2.0 is furious that he doesn't have a chance to unearth the evil that is Mob Hair. 

Mikey whips out his dumbfounded face to start the arduous wait for the roses.  Shirtless Wonder gets a rose.  Hashtag gets a rose.  Juan Pablo gets another Spanish rose.  More air time! More air time! Jake 2.0 gets a rose.  Des looks like she is going to break down crying.  Boo.  James gets the last rose. 

Mikey and his dumbfounded face are going home.  Aw. He looks so sad.  He really wanted his miniature snowman family.  They didn't really have a connection, but he was nice.  He is handling this WAY better than most people.  Give that man a medal!  There were zero man tears, angry comments, or vindictive actions. 

Next week: Barcelona!

There will be much making out.  Chris Harrison will be so proud. 

Hashtag and James get into a fight.  Des is crying.  She is confused.  And there will be much fighting…and rejoicing on my part cause that will be massively entertaining. 

Outtakes: Yodeling.  Mikey looks even more confused than Juan Pablo.  The yodeler says that the key to a good marriage is for the woman to do anything the man says.  Brooks is very against this advice.  “Nice guy, horrible marriage advice. Horrible.”   

Week Four: Des and Mr. America

The Bachelorette Week Four: The day we dread that Military Man Loses it All.

Tonight: Atlantic City, Kisses, Sand Castles, “connections like they can’t explain,” tears, more concerts, and a Mister America Pageant.  Unfortunately, there is also going to be a tattling session on BENtley….by Military Man.  boo.  Stop it.  Now you will probably leave.

Chris looks like his shirt was made by an exploding plaid machine crossed with a mustard factory.  It is a plaid shirt and mustard love child.  Chris Harrison tells them that they are starting their travels with dun dun dun DUN: Atlantic City.  The guys looked awed and shocked, delighted and pleased.  Oh please, you ALL knew that travel was a part of this deal.

Des is super excited for “the 13 guys I will get to see in this amazing city.”  Oh your joy and innocence is ridiculous. 

The guy’s pad is super nice and possibly part of a towel factory.  Seriously, there were at least 50 towels in that bathroom. 

One-on-One #1

Brad gets the one-on-one.  He is the one who confessed having a kid last week.  Cue the guys talking about how they are not going to work.  Mikey said that he didn't know how Brad would bring out the fun side in Des.  And ABC only shows them playing games and laughing.  Well played ABC, well played.  They got to go to a candy factory!  We are all wondering about how they were allowed to be around this food without hair nets and just grabbing things.  We think that they will have to throw out that entire batch of candy.  Some of the guys are watching the boardwalk from their 44^th story window. Shirtless Wonder remained at the window the longest and was rather creepy.  He seemed really stalker-ish.

Whoa.  ABC hired the mother of all sandcastle builders!  That thing is intense!  Brad loves this date.  Brad is not good at answering questions without saying “guess like...uh” or without them being SUPER vague.  Des is trying so hard to have dinner conversation, but Brad is not picking up any slack.  Des says she is conflicted about giving him the rose.

Date Card: Looking for Mr. Right

Everyone but James is going on the group date.

Des looks super awkward since Brad isn’t talking.  They decide to walk up to the top of the lighthouse.  Des magically has gloves—she will leave no evidence of when she pushes Brad off the top to end the horrible date!  Des tells him that she couldn't see them “lasting forever” and so she doesn't want to take any more time away from his son.  I love that she just made him climb to the top of a lighthouse and THEN ditched him.  She watched him walk down….alone.  That super sucks.  She said that she wants a “love to light the darkness.”  What?  Aw.  Brad is crying some very large man tears.  But, he is doing the man tears better than most.  Des says that saying goodbye is emotional…is it really?  You just look bored. 

Group Date 

Des is dressed like the daytime version of Cat woman…and we think she may have dyed her hair.  Brooks literally just compared Des to a magical unicorn that comes around….with another guy.  They end up at Boardwalk Hall where they meet Miss America.  It is the birthplace of the Miss America pageant.  Juan Pablo is super confused as to why they are here and telling them this historic information.  Chris Harrison tells them that they will be competing in a Mr. America pageant.  Juan Pablo still looks confused.  Michael hilariously says that this is his dream come true with the best seasoning of sarcasm in his voice.  Mikey is excited to “strut his stuff.”  Yes, he said that seriously.  The guys get the help of Miss America and a talent coach.  Oh no! Shirtless Wonder is going to turn into WES!  Chris puts on home high heels and asks Des to dance.  Jake 2.0 says it is a “hodgepodge of tomfoolery.”  YESSSS.  Brooks doesn't know how to play the ukulele and he is still going to use it.  Hashtag is going to tap dance.  Michael sits down with Miss America to practice for the interview.  He gets asked “what is the biggest problem in America today”…. and he just sits there.  Mikey picks invisibility as his superpower of choice.  Creepy answer….especially when you move your eye brows like that.

The guys were ASSIGNED swimsuits.  Juan Pablo is completely comfortable with his speedo.  BENtley, surprisingly, is not as happy with his. 

Chris Harrison just walked in to tell the awkward men that they will have a live audience.  Hahaha. Michael says that this would have been a waste of time without an audience! And dramatically threw down his swim trunks.  I like him. 

Le Pageant

INTERVIEWS

Hashtag is the first contestant.  He is asked if he is a giver or a taker.  He answers giver! Waht does he win? Rounds of applause from the audience.

Shirtless Wonder says that he would be fire because it is his responsibility to light her fire.

Brooks would be a lion, no hesitation.

Chris totally fumbles his answer. 

Juan Pablo just let a bomb drop.  A woman has to first love his daughter….what?  you have a daughter??

Mikey is making NO SENSE.  The guys are literally falling over laughing in the back. 

TALENT

Hashtag does a horrible job tap dancing, but pulls it off as a comedic thing.  Nicely done.

Mikey does a stripping dance/ workout session. 

Brooks sings a funny little ditty while plucking at the ukulele and then smashes it. 

BENtley twirls things.

Jake 2.0 reads Shakespeare.

Chris twirls hoola hoops in high heels.

Military Man pelvic thrusted at the mayor??? Never a good idea.

Shirtless Wonder can actually play the guitar...unlike his earlier profession of no talent.

SWIMSUITS

Jake 2.o has Jake 1.0’s abs!

Brooks has the best strut.

BENtley is gross.

Hahaha! All the guys are holding hands like the girls do in actual pageants.

Second Runner Up: Brooks

 First Runner Up: Shirtless Wonder

Mr. America: Hashtag

Hahaha.  All the guys do a great impression of the girls from pageants.  Hashtags’ winning face is fantastic.

On the way out, Brooks picked up his smashed ukulele and starts strumming it.  Hahaha.  He probably should have won this competition.

Chris pulls Des aside…to a pool…to read her the poetry that he wrote.  I think it’s great that you can share something as personal as your poetry, but why would you take your poem journal to a pool???  But sharing= kissing, in true bachelor/bachelorette fashion. 

Military Man REALLY can’t stand BENtley.  He gets awkward and can’t even stay by him.  Oh yet again, BENtley takes Des away for some one-on-one time…right in front of the other guys.  This is probably the thing that they call can’t stand.  Des is, of course, falling for him while the guys stew in the seating area.  Brooks actually asks BENtley if he could have taken Des to a place that was NOT right in front of the others.  When he said it didn't matter to him where he talked to Des cause they just have that connection, Brooks goes, I’m OUT and leaves.

While he is getting ready for tomorrow, James has a bubble bath and eats chocolate covered strawberries…like a woman, cause he is sensitive too. 

Ew.  Shirtless Wonder really did lie when he said he couldn't play the guitar because HERE IT IS AGAIN.  Why?  I hated Wes the first time around, I don’t need to see his doppelganger now. Dang it! Des gave him the rose.  The only upside is that BENtley is upset and jealous that he didn't get the rose.  Good.  I don’t like you. 

One-on-One #2

James’ date starts with some dramatic music.  We caught a glimpse of Hashtag still wearing his sash and crown.  Des leaves with James to see the devastation of Hurricane Sandy.  James says that “this sounds great.” I get that you might not know what to say, but “this sounds great”??? No.  This is probably the first serious helicopter ride in the history of bachelor/bachelorette.  This is a very somber date.  James spots an America flag at the top of a half-submerged roller coaster and says that it is a sign of hope…but not for this date.  I have the feeling that if they have fun later, they will feel guilty after the devastation they just witnessed.  Like how could you enjoy your nice dinner when someone else doesn't have a home?  The helicopter landed and now they are walking through the wreckage.  They “run into” some locals, Manny & Jan, and ask them how Hurricane Sandy affected them.  My guess is bad.  I hope ABC paid them for their time.  Seriously, they made this woman cry while she recounted their story.  The inside of Manny and Jan’s house had to be gutted.  When Des found out that they spent their last anniversary in a Red Cross Shelter, she gave her date that ABC had planned in Atlantic City.  James said they could just eat fast food and hang out so that these two could have a special evening. 

At their dinner date, Des shares that she has been through a lot financially and that she knows that she just needs to find someone to love, who will love her back, to be happy.  She could live on an island with someone she loved.  And sharing=kisses! Unfortunately, James goes on to say that he cheated on his girlfriend in his freshman year of college.  Des seems super mad for the other girl.  He tries to talk his way out of being seen as a cheater in her eyes.  Her talking head even seems teary eyed.  She appreciates his honesty.  I’m not sure that will save him.  She still seems ticked. 

Flash back to Manny and Jan in Atlantic City.  They were given a replica of their wedding album from the Red Cross.  Essentially, ABC is plugging the Red Cross with this couple.  I am sad that they are marketing their genuine emotion about this situation. 

Des and James crash Manny and Jan’s date.  They pass on some advice and tell Des and James that they make a great couple.  Oh here it is!  I was waiting for the concert.  ABC got Darius Rucker.  James and Des stayed behind and let the old people dance.  Des gives James the rose and tells him that he is trustworthy.  I find this ironic because his honestly was telling her that he cheated…. Oh, I lied, they will not leave the old people alone.  They start dancing with them.  Then the old couple leave so the kiddos could have the dance floor, which we should rename the make-out floor.  Des says it’s a good thing that they only want to kiss.  That hearkens back to the folly of Emily and Arie from the last bachelorette. 

Cocktail Party

Military Man is struggling with being one of many.  He is not sure he will take the rose if she offers it.  He wants some alone time to talk to her.  Des says hi to the guys and her talking head says that she has made lots of connections, aside from Brad who didn't have the light.  Des pulls Michael aside to talk.  He rips out some paper and starts writing her name and says something that he likes about her that starts with the same letter.  Oh look: sharing=kisses.  They make out on a bench. 

Cut to Military Man telling the guys that he might go home.  Or at least some of the guys. My guess is it's the guys that he likes cause I don't see BENtley.

Chris is talking to Des.  I don’t think I will ever get the sight of him in high heels out of my head.  I don’t remember what he said at all, but I know that someone must have shared something cause there was kissing.

Side note: Des has not said anything super complimentary about her family.  Was there a falling out?

Military Man has his one on one time.  They aren't showing a whole lot, and they don't show if he decides if he should stay or should he go.  He says he feels a little better.  His talking head is so conflicted!  Also, the previews played us! He was not going to talk about BENtley at all.  Which makes me glad, but now he might leave on his own.  Boo. 

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison needlessly explains the way the Bachelorette world works.  Des thanks the guys for sharing (which we all know equals kisses).  She is excited for where this could go.  Mikey is ready for the wait with his dumbfounded face. 

Chris and his high heels get a rose.  Brooks and his smashed ukulele get a rose.  Juan Pablo gets….a third Spanish rose.  Also, this is the third time I’ve seen him the entire episode.  Jake 2.o gets a rose.  Michael gets a rose.  Yay, may the sarcastic humor continue! BENtley and his slimy butt get a rose.  Hashtag gets a rose.  Military Man is offered a rose…and he waits…and he takes it!  Mikey gets a rose.

Zach is going home. He looks quite sad.  But we all called that he was going home…because we kept forgetting his name.  That’s how little screen time he got.  “Rejection is not fun” NO DUH.  Stop talking.  You are going home.  This just makes you look sad.  “You feel alone.  Like you are not complete.” Do you really want your next girlfriend to see you cry and say those things on air?? Pull yourself together man!

Des tells the guys that they are going to Germany! Beer! Castles! Lederhosen! Apparently next week will be “Armageddon.” That. Sounds. Awesome.  Yet, I feel like ABC could be playing us again….

Bloopers!

Shirtless Wonder is so excited to learn how to do the runway walk!  The guys are trying so hard not to laugh.  Jake 2.0 does a stellar job of being a model.  Military Man can’t do a catwalk.  We are sad that Juan Pablo didn't strut his stuff. 

Week Three with Des and the Boys

The Bachelorette: Des Edition! Week 3

The opening dramatic montage is made to show off Ben’s sketchy faces.  Brooks gets hurt in a game.  And no one saw it coming that SOMEONE is a “lying, cheating, deceitful, pig!”

There will be two group dates and a single one-on-one. 

Group date #1: Dodge Ball

 Chris, Brian, Jake 2.0 , Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Zack, Brandon, and Ben.  The card says that love is a battlefield.  I think we should start a countdown till when Brooks gets his pretty, delicate head injured.  The guys are being instructed on how to play in the National Dodge ball League.  Des wants to see how the guys will interact with each other.  She wants to see how they compete and how they fight for what they want.  Yep.  Having guys throw balls at each other is a great way to find how who will fight for you.  Michael calls that somebody is going to end up getting injured… and Brooks looks to be in danger with his girly little ponytail.  The pros even seem to be aiming for him.   Michael decided to play captain obvious and state that ‘winner-takes-all implies that only one team will continue on the date’.  Thanks.  Glad you cleared that up. The epic battle will take place in a public place.  The guys are given ridiculous outfits to battle it out on the court.  Brandon says they have great “game faces” when all they really have is sad looking gym uniforms.

Des says that it is so funny to watch “grown men walk in in really tiny shorts.”  This is ridiculous.  Mikey was the first one out, which honestly, is not what I expected.  Chris and Jake 2.0 are in a battle to the death…and Jake 2.0 pulls out a win!  Apparently ABC wanted to build suspense because this is a best 2 out of 3 tournament.  Red team made a comeback.  Chris Harrison looks happy to be getting more screen time as the announcer.  Michael says that “this is for all the marbles…which in this case is all the time with Des.”  Brooks gets hurt and Des laments that “this was supposed to be fun…”  Where is your spirit for competition that was so rampant a few moments ago?

Jake 2.0 seems to be the only one really playing on the blue team at the start of game three.  Yet, it was down to Chris and Zach, the two professional baseball players, to finish the game.  Zach pulled out the win, which means that Michael, and the red team, lost all their marbles to the blue team.  But, TWIST OF EVENTS! Des pulls a Sean and takes everyone.  Lame.  And this is not a message you want to send.  She was so happy to see the guys fight for something…and then EVERYONE got the prize.  Not everyone gets the prize on this show, honey.  Unless, you are planning on dating the final two instead of picking between them.

Turns out that Brad also has a son.  He told her that he is here for love….WHO WOULDN’T SAY THAT??

Dang it.  Hashtag got the one-on-one.  This will up his chances of being annoying.

Des is taking guys away to talk to them one-on-one and the unlucky fellas that haven’t talked to her yet are getting jealous and antsy.  Chris took Des to the helipad on the roof.  Nice move, dude.  Smooth! He compliments her and focused on her.  He didn’t mention the rose to her and he was, overall, normal.  He gets my vote.

Brooks is totally on some serious drugs! He jogs in while still wearing his ridiculous gym uniform.  He looks like he’s going to cry again.  He says he missed her and then started kissing her.  Des says that there is a chemistry between them that works…and it’s also enhanced by drugs!

Surprise, surprise! Chris actually got the rose.  I was sure that Brooks would get it for breaking his finger.  Des takes Chris away to a private concert.  She seems to be using these on every date like Ben used helicopters.  The best part about the private concert is that it’s not that private…it’s in the courtyard at the base of the building so all of the guys can watch from the balcony.  It’s a private concert with a side of voyeurism!

We open to see Des journaling...with a serious face.  She says that the guys are amazing and that she would be lucky to be with any of them.  Des looks like she is wearing no pants….odd.  Side note: leggings are not pants.  Nude colored leggings should NEVER be worn as pants. That is all.  But this is the outfit from the preview that tells us that the lying, cheating, deceitful pig will be revealed.  So instead of picking up Hashtag, she heads to the house to confront the bad man.  Des is “very good about knowing people” but “she didn’t see this one coming.”  “How could he play a game?” Um, cause someone always does!  Seriously, this is like the 6^th or 7^th person in all the seasons to be caught playing this game and not being here for love.  I think we should expect at least one in every season.

Brian?  Brian is the pig??? I did not see that coming

…but his hair is shifty…

Des asks if his conversations with her were sincere.  He assures her that they were, his past relationship was totally over.  While they are talking Chris Harrison parades a girl through the house to the back yard to Des and our cheating pig.  Shirtless Wonder looks SHOCKED to see another woman walking through the house. 

In the house, the guys are a buzz with fury, confusion, and shock.  Shirtless Wonder, looks the most confused.  Brian’s girlfriend is railing into him.  It was a flurry of words and just crazy.  The best part is when Stephanie, his maybe-maybe not girlfriend, storms “It’s gonna look like the truth!”  with sass!  The next best part was Chris Harrison trying to get Stephanie to stop talking at a mile a minute.  “Steph. Steph. Steph. Steph. Stop. Stephanie.  Hello? Steph. Stop. Steph.”  Silly Chris Harrison, a woman scorned can’t be shut up.  Womp there it is.  Stephanie vehemently calls him a “lying, cheating, deceitful pig!”  Brian is walked through the house and the guys cannot contain their glee at his departure.  Oh ho…Brian left in a prison van and the ex-girlfriend left in a limo.  When Des tells them that the girl that came in was Brian’s girl friend the guys tried to display looks of shock and sadness…all except for Brooks, who may still be on drugs.  Des asked the guys to tell her now if they were hiding anything.  WHO WOULD ANSWER THAT??  She then apologized for taking time away from her date with Hashtag.  He says that it was something she needed to do, and so it was completely understandable.  He’ll probably get a rose just because of timing.

Good news everyone: Shirtless Wonder is here, not only for love, but for marriage!

Des takes Hashtag to dance on the side of a building.  

Hashtag can’t dance and, I believe, is scarred of heights.  But he will do this for her!  Des says she felt like Peter Pan!  We wonder what the people in the building are thinking…. Hashtag is so glad that they can share a memory that no one else will share…except for the two other people on the building with you.  Very quickly, they get too tired to dance on the building.  Des announces that she might have peed her pants.  Des seems to have emotionally, as well as physically, checked out of the date.  Hashtag tried so hard to salvage the date, but I think it was unsalvageable.  But, as totally expected, Des gives him the rose.  I still say it was a pity rose. 

Group date #2: Cowboy boot camp.

The new cowboys include Shirtless Wonder, James, Juan Pablo, Military Man and Dan (Velveteen Rabbit). Shirtless Wonder is so excited!  He slips into his fake Texas accent to match the Stagecoach that they ride to the date in.  To show them that they are going to be doing a stunts, Des fights with a stunt man and shoves him off a balcony.  Shirtless Wonder applauds with the most childlike grin on his face.  Des, too, applauds her stunt skills.  Mob hair, aka James, is ready to be Des’ hero.  Des thinks that the guys look hot and she wants to keep them in cowboy clothes all day!   We were debating whether or not all the guys look better in a cowboy get up…we decided that Shirtless wonder does not ...but that might also be due to his silly bowler hat that makes him look more like a banker than a cowboy.  All the guys have to repeat the same scene while putting their own twist on it to win some private time with Des…Dan split his pants to add a new twist.  Juan Pablo decided to speak Spanish the whole time.  I think he just won.  Military Man points out that Juan Pablo could have been spitting out a recipe for pasta and no one would know.  Hahaha.  Again, did I mention that I like Military Man?

We are calling that Juan Pablo won a private country concert.  Oh no.  Juan Pablo sounds so silly when he speaks English.  I cannot handle his accent.  And his excited squeals.  They are squeals.  But instead of a concert they get to watch The Lone Ranger.  He says that she gave him a “beautiful badge.”  They try to watch the movie and eat popcorn, but end up making out.  Des says that kiss was passionate…we say the kiss was buttery. 

Des and Juan Pablo join up with the other guys for a campfire.  Dan was excited to ride the horse, even though he ripped his pants open.  Military Man looks cute in his checkered shirt.  I think Des is confusing his gentleman-ness for not knowing how to put on the moves.  They are cute together. 

Shirtless Wonder is complimenting Des’ team spirit and personality.  He does a funny impression of himself going in for a kiss that didn’t happen earlier in the day.  He is feeling warm and a weird love drunk feeling…I think Brooks shared his drugs. 

Mob hair says that they have similarities.  They are having kind of shallow small talk and Des is doing a lot of nodding.  James tries to reel it in with some serious talk.  I don’t think they have a connection.  I’m calling him as the “I’m going home because of family.”  Des’ heart is breaking that James isn’t confident about being here.  Eck.  He is going to get the classic you’re-insecure-here-is-a-rose rose.  I hate that rose.  That rose is dumb.  Shirtless Wonder is really depressed now.  I like his expressions.  If you don’t watch the show, you should, just to see Shirtless Wonder’s faces.  After she gives James the rose, he gives her a daisy.  This may have just solidified his presence for a couple of weeks.  I’m still holding out as him going home after she keeps Ben a few more weeks.  At that point though, James will become the what-can-she-see-in-me-if-he-is-still-around departure. 

Chris Harrison wrangles the guys together and tells them of the slight change of plans.  The cocktail party has been canceled in lieu of a pool party.  Brooks still looks like he is hyped up on drugs.  Ben pulls a jerk move and whisks Des off for a quick drive so he can have one-on-one time.  Michael and Mikey are the two that spot Ben with Des.  I wonder if the camera men were like “hey guys, go check out the front gate…” because the chances of these two being the ones to spot them are just too small. 

One of the guys told her that she threw a perfect spiral and Des clapped for herself….just like she did when she threw the stunt man off of the balcony. 

Mikey is upset that Ben lied about getting alone time with Des.  We have decided that Mikey has mob personality and James has mob hair.  Ben says that he is not the type to kiss and tell and he doesn’t want people to know what’s going on in his private time… did you know that you are on a show that has camera’s follow you??  Even if the guys don’t know, America does!

Chris Harrison comes to collect Des from the guys and saves her from WAY too many people being in a hot tub. 

On to the roses!

Military Man gets a rose and much applause in our living room.  Juan Pablo gets ANOTHER Spanish rose, this time with better pronunciation.  Shirtless Wonder does a creepy smirk when he gets a rose.  Brooks and his broken finger get a rose and he seems to be a little more with it.  Jake 2.0 gets a rose.  Zach, the baseball player, gets a rose.  Brad gets a rose.  Mikey looks a little special as he’s waiting. Michael gets a rose. Mikey got a rose.  Ben gets a rose…our as I will call him BENtley. 

Dan and Brandon are going home.  Des tells Brandon that he is an incredible person, just not for her.  He is going to shed lots of man tears on the way home.  Brandon says that he just got his heart smashed by a hammer because he was in love with Des.  No.  No, you weren’t.  You were infatuated.  You don’t even really know her yet.  It’s not personal, it’s rejection, but not personal.

Next week: there are kisses, helicopters, sand castles, a Mr. America pageant!  Oh no! Military Man is going to talk to Des about Ben. NO! DON’T DO IT! That person ALWAYS bites the dust!