In Paradise!

That’s right ladies and gents, we are embarking on an acid filled adventure with “the broken hearted” that are taking another stab at love….it’s going to be bloody. Literally.  That’s what the previews say.

To get us excited about the season, ABC plays the same clip we have seen for 4 weeks.  There will be joy, laughter, tears, regrets, more tears, and a possible arrest?? And let’s not forget, Marquel!!!!

Chris Harrison welcomes Crazy Clare onto the island.  She is ready to find love.  She is not going to let one bump in the road keep her from finding love.  She wants a man to step up and say “I want you!”

Marcus is the first guy to come to the island.  He was at least smart enough to wear flip flops.  Crazy Clare had to take off her wedges to get to the special beach house which appears to be open to the elements.  The guests are excited and so are the bugs that are going to get into EVERYTHING.

Sarah is the next girl to come to island.  Marquel, Danielle (from Sean’s season I guess?), and Graham join the others.  I am personally excited to see this.  Michelle Money is also supposed to be on this and to watch stuff go down between these two should be good.  Lacy (from Juan Pablo’s season) comes.  The guys think she is gorgeous.  BENtley is BAAaaaccckkk.  He walks onto the beach just as Crazy Clare says “I hope there are no douchey guys here.  I can’t stand douchey guys.” Well done ABC.  The original crazy train, Michelle, is back.  Robert is also here.  Dylan is here.  Marquel runs to meet him and they chest bump on the beach. They are precious.  Elise is wearing the worst possible shoes for a beach…I’m pretty sure anyone’s grandmother could beat her in a foot race.  Seriously woman, you knew the title of the show right? There would be sand! And yet you wore those shoes…AshLee joins the group.  All of the girls are wearing stupid shoes. 

How the Show Works

Each week there will be Bachelor Style dates.  The date card will say who the bachelor(ette) is and they get to decide who to take on the date with them.  To stay on the island you have to be part of a couple.  There will be a rose ceremony each week.  This week there are 7 girls and 6 guys.  Therefore, all the guys are safe this week, but one girl will be going home.  Next week, the odds will be in the girls’ favor. Let the games begin! Hahaha as one of the girls here described it, basically we are watching the bachelor version of dodge ball.  Last one picked goes home….sad and alone…

The girls are feeling the pressure of being outnumbered.  Lacy comes in hot, taking Robert out to the ocean.  She basically makes him hold her up above the waves.  Later that evening, Marcus is moping out in the water.  Lacy goes out there to “get to know him better.”  Sarah is chaffing under the pressure.  She cannot stand watching Lacy through herself at multiple guys.  Everyone the beach was trying to figure out who Lacy likes better. 

Haahaha Crazy Clare and Marcus were talking when Dylan and (Elise? Danielle? A blond one?) Go frolicking in the ocean.  Marcus and Clare were basically making comments like regular viewers across America.  Once Dylan and Elise(?) start kissing Crazy Clare started commenting about how adorable they are.  Marcus comments that they are probably witnessing their first kiss.  It’s like they are the representation of all of us….

AshLee is complimenting Graham.  She is sure that they are meant to be.  I’m fairly certain that he has no idea the amount of insanity that just latched itself onto him…he should run, but he just doesn’t know it…where is Michelle Money??  I just want her to come in this episode!

Crazy Train sees the date card and summons the troops.   Sarah is still freaking out about the odds against her.  Crazy Clare is stoked to get the first date card.  Crazy Clare picks Graham.  The other guys are surprised but excited for him.  AshLee is instantly devastated.  She is whispering to herself.  She is sooo mad at Graham.  She is saying that “He couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours.”  Danielle says that AshLee looks crazy.  Danielle says that she is not going to keep going after Graham because she doesn’t want to get murdered in her sleep.  Hahaha ABC is making it look like Crazy Clare is talking to a raccoon when she is totally talking to a producer. 

Oh My Gosh! Crazy Clare is going to tell Graham that she thinks its best that she takes someone else on the date since AshLee is going bonkers.  Danielle says that she feels like she is in a soap opera because of all the drama.  Crazy Clare takes Robert with her.  Apparently they already knew each other, but she hasn’t thought about him in a romantic sense before.  But she thinks that they have chemistry….

Lacy is focusing on Marcus while Robert is gone.  BUT, Sarah got a date card and she asks Marcus.  Lacy is not doing well.  Also, in a slightly unrelated note, Lacy looks like a Pink Lady from Grease in her talking heads right now.  Which brings us to another question: why does she look so good in her talking heads but like a hot mess when she is with everyone else?  Her hair…what is her hair? When Robert and Clare get back, lacy talks to Robert because she is having a really rough night. 

Someone is coming!!!! Please be Michelle Money! Please be Michelle Money!  YEEEESSS IT IS!!!!!! And Graham looks pumped!!!!!  Game changer!  I’m going to be honest here, I had no good hopes for this show until I found out that Michelle Money was coming back. 

So Money walks in WITH A DATE CARD.  She grabs Graham to talk to him. Needless to say AshLee looks horrified.  The next morning AshLee goes to apologize to Graham because if he doesn’t give her a rose no one will.  And Money hasn’t picked her man yet for her date card.  AshLee is a crazed girl flailing as she is going down.  Money picks Marquel for her date.  She looks pumped as he accepts and they go to get ready.  While I could see how Money and Marquel could be adorable, I doubt that things are completely over between Money and Graham.  WHAT IF HE GIVES HER THE ROSE INSTEAD OF ASHLEE!?!?!? AshLee’s head would explode! I now want this almost as much as I wanted Money to show up tonight….

Lacy gets the next date card and she has a tough decision to make.  She is attracted to Robert and Marcus… she’s “80-40” ….no, honey, you “dumby-dumby” your percentages are supposed to add up to 100%.... not 120%  Marcus and Dylan are talking about how Lacy is putting “all of her eggs in Robert’s basket”…that’s not awkward wording at all….

Also, what is Lacy’s hair? Did she forget that her rollers were in?  And Dylan is giving horrible advice.  Don’t listen to Dylan.   

Here is why I love Michelle Money: she is super good at reading people and she can work a crowd.  Somehow she also is very maternal while still being in on just the right amount of drama.  Girl has skills.  She also gives THE BEST talking heads.  I would probably watch any incarnation of this show if she was on it.

SIDENOTE: Why is EVERYONE (except my girl Money) failing at English?!?

Marquel somehow pulls off the craziest outfits.  He is adorable no matter what he wears.  I’m fairly certain that he is the only person on the planet could pull off his style…which is appropriate cause there is no one like that boy. 

Rose Ceremony Time!

Marquel is first …but Crazy Train wants to say something and interrupts Marquel….And she is saying that she wants to go home?!?!  Therefore, only one girl is going home.

Back to Marquel—he picks my girl Money

Graham—AshLee (I feel like he just did this to avoid the wrath of the women) Sarah said he has to pick her or he’d “get his balls chopped off” But who would do this heinous act? Not AshLee if she went home! But alas, she stays.

Dylan—Elise (who is apparently already in love with Dylan?!?!) he should change his pick for next week…

Marcus—This gets interesting because he likes Lacy but told Sarah he would give her the rose if Lacy is safe.  The drama here is high people! Who will he choose!? Lacy…cause he is a game changer, that’s why! Robert will now have to pick someone else….probably Clare

Robert—Clare (as previously predicted, thank you very much)

BENtley—Sarah (and this is the first time I have ever liked this guy)

Danielle goes home…which is interesting because she had a lot of talking heads so I thought she might stay longer….no worries Money will keep us apprised of all the juicy details  

Basically, BENtley had no screen time.  I forgot he was on there until the whole will-Sarah-get-sent-home portion of the rose ceremony.  I wonder if he will be able to redeem himself on this show….picking Sarah was a good first move.  Dylan should probably run.  Elise seems uber desperate.  We have a love triangle between Robert, Marcus, and Lucy.  Graham, my boy, you are in trouble.  You need to find a way to drop AshLee.  Also, I’m fairly certain that Graham and Money have a pack to inform each other of what each gender group is thinking…should get interesting…

Next Week: why did Crazy Train really leave? Bird Beak Chris comes and someone jumps off of a balcony?!?

Bachelorette Week 8: And It is Entertaining Again!

HOME TOWNS!!!

Shirtless Wonder...will there be majestic abs? 

Des starts off the home dates with Shirtless Wonder, yet he is wearing a shirt AND suit jacket.  He says that if you think he is crazy, just wait till you see his crazy family.  He tells her that he has something funny to show her but he starts telling her about this creepy dream where they melted into the sand.  I think this is really his dream from when he was on acid because nobody dreams crap like that without some kind of chemical aid.  Des says that she can’t even follow it, but she’ll go with it.  He scampers off to get something and just leaves Des in the park.  He comes back in the family snow cone truck.  Des says that it reminds her of her childhood…wasn't she homeless as a child?  Did they live in a truck full of tasty syrups?  Maybe they could afford snow cones back then?  Wait…He puts Des to work in the truck….her date is working for Shirtless Wonder.  Her date is earning his income….what??  Also, Shirtless Wonder comes out in this penguin suit to entertain the children.  We bet that he doesn't have a shirt on under there. 

Interestingly enough, Des did not bring a present like the Bachelor or Bachelorette usually does...Wow his family is ALL about the art.  Maybe he hired them to do his art last week.  That’s right. I still hold that he did not do those sketches in his memory sketch book. Hahaha.  Shirtless Wonder tells his family how he introduced himself to Des—shirtless.  His family looks mortified, especially his brother.  He also makes the declaration that he has been naked at least three times.  I thought his brother was going to spit out his food.  This makes me automatically like them.  His family is actually pretty fun.  His mother tells a cute story about how her mother told her that you know when you've found the right one because there will be a spark that stays with you forever.  Next, his sister takes Des aside to a bedroom that looks like it was coordinated to match the clothes that the two of them were wearing.  Shirtless Wonder plays the guitar while his brother and sister sing a song that he wrote about her and she looks like she isn't enjoying it at all.  Her face is in pain.  She says that it’s such a special moment, yet her face says “crap I should show emotion…maybe cry…yes…I’ll cry…from being so….touched”  After the one private concert that ABC did not pay for, Shirtless Wonder takes Des outside to show her a box that he’s been carrying that has a ring inside.  He then tells her he loves her.  Again, Des’ face is not good.  He’s probably going home.  His talking head is so hopeful.  Dude, you still have a 75% chance of losing. 

 On to Arizona and Jake 2.0!

Des skips up to Jake 2.0 while saying “You’re so cute! You look adorable!” Um, those are things you say to another girl.  He looks like a Ken doll… Des and Jake 2.0 chat and head out to pick up his sister.  Des is really sweet as she meets Melissa who has a severe disability.  They take her back to Jake 2.0’s parent’s house.  Haha. Jake 2.0’s dad toasts them to have a “happy journey.”  That is officially my new toast.  It’s so vague and awkward.  Des has a nice chat with Jake 2.0’s dad and he talks with his mom.  His dad says that their daughter Melissa is an angel who has taught them so much.  That is so precious!  Jake 2.0 pulls Des aside before she leaves to tell her that he loves her and that he wants her in his life.  Side note: the majority of the family was wearing pink…maybe it is in their family crest…

Baseball with the Poet

In the midst of a walk in the woods, Chris the Poet picks some weeds to give to Des.  I hope they are poisonous.  He says that he got her something. He made it himself!  Um, you can’t make flowers! You are not Mother Nature! He takes Des to a baseball diamond to practice hitting and pitching.  After they finish, Des sits down with Chris to show him some sketches she did of their time together…a la Shirtless Wonder from last week.  So not only is Des a parrot of opinions, she will parrot what the other guys have done to the man she is currently around.  Awesome.  Oh no! Chris the Poet thinks this is something just between the two of them! No, my creative sir, you sadly got the cheap imitation.  Huh.  Des actually cares what his family thinks of her…but not enough to bring a present….

At his parent’s house, Chris and Des reminisce about their first date. Also, their family color is navy.  I guess Des fell and got a kink in her back on their first date…so Chris’ dad offers to adjust Des’ back.  She looks super awkward, yet consents.    After he adjusts her, they chat a little about Chris.  Then Chris gets HIS NOSE ADJUSTED???? While talking to his dad.  Meanwhile Des is talking to Chris’ mom.  She is super monotone and breathy as she talks to Des.  However, as soon as she starts talking to Chris she has emotion in her voice and power behind it.  After Chris says that she is the one, she goes slightly monotone again.  All of the mothers so far have said that Des and their son are magical together?  How do you have chemistry with all of them?  Maybe it’s because you are a blank slate so they can imagine anything….It’s like Runaway Bride!  She mimics whatever they want her to be so they all love her!  That means we need to figure out which one is her Richard Gere. 

On to Mormon Town and Brooks!

Brooks looks nervous or sad all of the time.  Des understands how Brooks has been up and down this whole time because “it is hard to date someone while they date someone else.”  No kidding.  In fact, that is a deal breaker for all normal people.  Des tried to remind Brooks of all the good times they've had together.  She wrote a list of all of her favorite memories which seemed to make Brooks perk up.  They took a canoe ride and it took on water.  Brooks has a talking head where he looks like he’s crying again.  Yet, he’s saying things like it’s so great to spend time with her, but his face when they are apart is death!  She is like crack to him!  SHE IS HIS OWN PERSONAL BRAND OF HEROIN!  Oh no! This. Is. Twilight. DES BROUGHT A GIFT! This is the only hometown where she brought a present!  Hahaha.  The family members are wearing name tags!  That’s great.  Well done family members, well done.  Their family color is mint.  And we think they might be Mormon because there are a ton of people here and we don’t’ think there is any alcohol in that house.  Brooks’ brothers take him aside and ask him deep question so rapidly that he cannot answer them but only look worried and sullen.  Brooks also asks family members what makes their marriages so special.  Brooks needs to talk to his mother.  She says that it went well and that Des surprised her.  I’m not surprised.  Des seems to reflect whatever the mothers want to see.  BROOKS’ MOTHER JUST SAID HE WAS HER FAVORITE! You cannot say that on national television! 

BROTHER IN THE HOUSE

Des is meeting with her brother Nate and she is nervous about this.  He points out that she didn't talk to him for a couple months after how he treated Sean.  She said she didn't talk to him because he messed things up for her.  AND HE SAYS THAT IT WAS JUST MEANT TO BE.  Haha!  Who says “yeah, I ruined your life because it was meant to be.”  He is pressing Des to say that ‘the one’ is here.  He’s not buying it.  Yet, he says that he has no qualms or concerns.  But his face says “I HAVE ALL THE QUALMS AND ALL THE CONCERNS.” 

Therapy Session with Chris Harrison

I love how the guys’ photos are always in frames with candles sprinkled around them.  It’s like a shrine to those who have gone before.  No—it’s a shrine to those whose dreams are about to be crushed.  Des and Chris are talking about how Brooks still hasn't said that he loves her, yet Chris the Poet said it.  Apparently Jake 2.0 was “very bold” when he told her he loves her.  Shirtless Wonder said he loved her and even gave her a “promise/hope ring.”  Des says that she sees a proposal at the end and she’s hopeful for it to be from Brooks.  Yet, after Chris’ hometown she was unsure that she wanted it to be Brooks.  We watch Chris Harrison walk the guys into the hotel as Des’ thoughts are dubbed over the shot.  And ABC does us a solid by creepily placing brother Nate in the wings and giving him some stellar horror movie music in the background. 

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison tells the guys how important this week has been.  Des tells them that she has been honored to meet their families, but with that said one of you must leave. 

Brooks gets the first rose but he still looks devastated. Chris gets the second rose.  Jake 2.0 gets the last rose.  CALLED IT!  Shirtless Wonder is going home.  I hope Des gives him his ring back.  She walks him out and says, “I don’t know if I should keep this because it was such a beautiful gesture.” Um no.  You do not keep the ring.  You split up with him, you give it back.  That is proper ring etiquette.  She hands him the ring and he shuffles to the limo.  Shirtless Wonder apparently puffs out his cheeks to keep from crying.  Is that a thing?  Everyone, try that next time you are going to cry and see if it stops your tear ducts.  Oh my goodness!  Shirtless Wonder chucked the ring out of the car!

Not gonna lie, I wish Nate would have cause some kind of drama.  Also, we think Brooks is going to break up with Des.  They kept cutting back and forth between Shirtless Wonder having an emotional breakdown to Brooks looking like he is going to be sick while Chris the Poet talks about ‘how hard this must be for Des.  She had such a connection and deep relationship with Shirtless Wonder, but now he’s gone…’ Yep.  He’s splitsville. 

Next week: the men tell all.  Tune in, it should be explosive.  We are hoping the guys will show up in their group hoodies…oh and sweat bands a la Michael. 

Bloopers: Des and Jake 2.0 played a bridal shower game with his family??? Best line: He looked like a pancake kind of guy.  Um, what?

Week Six: Des, Tears, and the Boy who FINALLY went Home

The Bachelorette: Des Edition Week 6

ABC wants you to know that this is an “EPIC-sode.” Barcelona is also “the perfect” place to fall in love.  Des is hopeful.  Des is kissing everyone.  James is angry and teary eyed, depending on the shot that you are watching. 

They show us shots of Barcelona with some really dance-y music.  This city is full of life and Des finds it very inspiring.  And like every other place they've been, Des finds it to be the perfect place to fall in love.  She says that she has crushes which gives her hope of falling completely.  She can’t wait.

ABC does some nice editing to show all the guys sending dirty looks at James.  There is still much talk about his not-so-secret conversation with Mikey last week.  He might be here for the wrong reasons.

Chris Harrison meets the boys outside of a bar.  They get the run down…again.  I wonder if they get as tired of this as we do.   Oh interesting! Des will not have cocktail party this week.  Jake 2.0 gets the first one-on-one.  “My time has finally come.”  That is Jake 2.0’s rallying cry for this date.  He says that he might address the James issue. 

One-on-One #1

Des and Jake 2.0 walk down the street and do some sight-seeing.   He said he could not stop thinking about her….and he was rewarded with a kiss and hand holding.   They drink from a fountain that is apparently a promise to return to Barcelona.  Jake 2.0 tells Des about his relationship with his recovered alcoholic father.  He hadn't told anyone this before.  Des, of course, is touched.  I wonder, did you mean to tell all of America too?  He goes on to say that his dad has cancer….and that nobody in his office knows…well they do now!!!  Des feels closer to Jake 2.0 since he shared his feelings with her…she “wants a man with depth.” And cue my eye rolls at that ridiculousness.  Yeah.  James screams depth.

They head to a private dinner in some kind of entirely bricked over room.  Jake 2.0 wants to steal her away….from the dinner table?  From the cameras? Yep. From the cameras.  But no worries, the at least 10 person camera crew tracked them down.  Des and Jake 2.0 made out in an ally.  Des said it was “in such an amazing way.  Sensual and Romantic.”  Um what?  I need to know this why?  Yeah, Jake 2.0 grabbing your butt is SUPER romantic.  In the words of my mother “gag me with a spoon.”  Des told him that he is so strong and sensitive and she gives him the rose.  Jake 2.0 is a genius! He waited to talk about James until after he got the rose.  Smart, smart man.  He even asked her if she wanted to hear this before he dropped names.  Alright, I’m on Jake 2.0’s team.  Des is pretty pissed.  Her talking head is ranting about the fact that she has told them to leave if they aren't here for the right reasons.  Um…no one there for fame would walk out of this opportunity.  If anything, the people that want you to succeed are the ones that leave.  They are the ones that have evaluated that this is not for them so they will step aside and let the bachelor/bachelorette find love.  Really, the bachelorette should cancel the show after somebody offers to leave and just chase after them. 

Brooks, Hashtag, Chris the Poet, James, Michael, and Juan Pablo get the group date.

Juan Pablo actually had a talking head!!!!

Jake 2.0 has a power huddle with his buddies and tells them about his talk with Des.  Michael seems to really like sweat bands….

Group Date

Des can’t wait to hug the guys and be with them.  Des says that her date with Jake 2.0 was great and that they shared a lot.  Either ABC didn't show it, or the only sharing was saliva.  Juan Pablo seems super excited for this group date.  Juan Pablo feels like he is at home.  Brooks even says that Juan Pablo is literally translated as “you have no chance and I am going after Desiree”  The guys are going to be playing soccer against Des and her team…which we are guessing is a professional team.  Juan Pablo swears, so I think he knows who they are.  All of the American guys think that they will totally beat the girls.  Juan Pablo says they will not be faster than him and he does some great victory posing.  ABC is finally delivering on the Juan Pablo footage.  James is an utter failure at blocking.  They should have picked someone else for goalie.  And all the guys eat their words.  Juan Pablo is a little worried now.  Juan Pablo and Brooks both call James a little girl because he let 10 goals to go past him.  All of the guys rightly blame him for losing the game.  

Hashtag is getting worked up in his talking head.  He has apparently been waiting to confront James.  Oh this should be good.  Not for Hashtag or James, but oh so good for ratings.  Des takes Chris away first.  Des tells him that he is kind of athletic.  Thanks for the update…he was a baseball player...they are generally athletic…  This week the tables have turned and Des wrote Chris some poetry.  He naturally rewards her with kisses.  We all think that this is very intimate and personal when you are dating so many of the other guys.  This isn't even the final two.  But I bet he makes it to the final two!

Michael is encouraging Hashtag to confront James.  They think that “if James is a man, he will own up and apologize.”  Here we go.  James looks stunned.  Hey! He borrowed Mikey’s dumbfounded face! 

Brooks and Des talk about how they are “emotionally involved.”  What does that mean?  If they are just saying that they like each other than that was a really awkward way to say it.  He is pleasantly surprised at their relationship.

 Aaaannndd Back to the guys confronting James.  His defense is “I didn't start the conversation”??? Really? James yells at Michael that he hasn't even been on a one-on-one date.  What does that have to do with anything?  We also want to know what happened to Michael’s finger.  Those two just yell back and forth at each other.  James calls Michael a confrontational dude.  Michael says James is auditioning for the Jersey Shore.  James also keeps eyeing the camera.  James turns into the Jersey Shore Hulk when he gets angry.  He yells things in nonsensical patterns seasoned with swears.  He might as well be saying “James.  Smash.”

Hashtag walks off to find Des and tell her about what he heard.  Des says it is disgusting.  She now goes off to find James.  Hashtag does the best little smirk.  Des then says that she is not giving out the date rose and walks all the guys out except James.  Either he is going home or he is going to get the rose.  

Des feels blindsided.  James comes over and lays down for this.  Oh now he’s sitting up.  He is whining and saying that he didn't say any of those things.  It was all Mikey.  The guys ganged up on him.  He is not here to be the Bachelor.  HE’S CRYING.  He’s pulling the girl move and crying!  Well, it does fit with his girly way of blocking goals.  She says that she trusts those guys and that she trusts him too.  She is going to take minute because he says he wants to be here.  She says that she needs to sleep on it.  So he’s not safe, but he’s not gone either…. James says that he is emotionally exhausted and robbed by these guys. 

Back at the house, the guys are filling Jake 2.0 and Shirtless Wonder in on the festivities of the night.  James is again crying in the car on his ride back.  The guys’ faces when James walks back in are priceless!  Shirtless Wonder looks like he is going to pee his pants! 

One-on-One #2

The next day James is sulking on the balcony.  Shirtless Wonder is worried that all this drama is going to carry over to his date.  Chris the Poet sends him off with luck.  Des was not feeling happy today.  What?  This would make you sad?  Confusion and unfinished business might tarnish your other date?  No.  That can’t be.  Shirtless Wonder has made distracting Des his goal.  They walk with around and end up in an art studio.  We should have seen this coming because Des was carrying her sketch book.  Shirtless Wonder says that he was creative, but he doesn't just sit down and sketch.  Des and Shirtless Wonder reveal their sketches and then decide to sketch each other.  His. Is. Awful.  At least he apologized in advance.  Des fell down because she was laughing so hard.  She said it was the worst thing she’d ever seen.  They brought in a male model…that was naked.  Shirtless Wonder’s face was great.  He looked horrified.  The model was doing a hilarious duck face.  Shirtless Wonder snuck off to change and he came in as a model in tighty whities.  Oh look, he found a way to be…shirtless. 

They have dinner in a wine cellar.  Shirtless Wonder is excited for this “I’m in a cave! With Des! And candlelight!”  Des likes how curious a person Shirtless Wonder is.  And they make out.  They did super slow kissing.  It looked like ABC put them in slow motion…but they didn't.  Des is telling him how she likes his outlook on life and his personality and offers him the rose.  After they took care of business, they made out some more.  As a recap, Shirtless Wonder listed the right reasons, which happen to also be the reasons why he is here.  Somebody paid attention in class with Soulja Boy!  Des’ talking head is questioning how this is so different from James’ motives.  She knows why Shirtless Wonder is here, but she doesn't know why James is here.

Back at the guys’ suite, James asks Jake 2.0 his perspective on the issue.  Jake 2.0 lays it out very rationally and calmly, while still pointing out what is wrong with it.  James starts yelling, which naturally draws Jake 2.0 into yelling.  THEN James tells Jake 2.0 to stop yelling.  I would just like to say: once a cheater, always a cheater.  Except this time, James is cheating with the wrong reasons.  James got Jake 2.0 so riled that he actually swore.  This is first. 

Michael lets Jake 2.0 know that James yells at everyone.  It’s not just you man, he treats everyone badly(…except the ladies).  Michael just called James “evil” and “sinister.”  James struts over in a button up shirt and nice jeans and plops down next to Michael…who scoots closer to Brooks.  Des comes and asks the guys if they are having fun.  They give the most half-hearted ‘yeaaahhh’ I have ever heard.  The guys are so sure that he is going home, which makes me think that he might not go.  Des’ talking head says that she will send him home.  Yet, there is so much time left in this episode.  James is wearing flip flops with his dressy outfit??? Why?? What’s wrong with you??? Did you get distracted by doing your hair? James admits to saying hurtful things and that he learned his lesson.  Des asks him what his intentions are.  I want to know what James’ job is…I hope it’s not sales because it’s not very good.  Oh hey, you can see the guys on the balcony behind them!  Des empathizes with James.  Des is in a tough spot.  She either trusts the guys and sends him home or she sends a message that she doesn't believe them and that she wants to be with James.  Period.  Either she is picking him overall or she sends him home.  He is selling himself so well…to her.  I think is a nasty piece of work.  James says he doesn't want all this drama to affect whether or not he gets the rose.  How else would this information work?  Even if you try to keep it separate, it will be on everyone’s mind.  Des does not send him home at this point.  He walks back in and the guys look like they are questioning everything.  Juan Pablo looks confused. 

The hotel room is super awkward.  I wonder if they tell them they can’t have supper if they leave the common area.  Chris the Poet asks James what they talked about.  James says that somebody out of this group will become the Bachelor…just like Des did.  Honey, she is a woman.  She became the Bachelorette.  He goes on to say, “I have a very great sense of self.”  He made everyone so mad in this group.  Chris the Poet actually entered the fray.  He raised his voice.  This drops the neutral parties down to 3: Juan Pablo, Brooks, and Shirtless Wonder.  James yelled that “If I’m more in tune with f-ing me than reality, you will have to respect that!”  Is it just me, or did he say that they have to respect that he is not in tune with reality.  I didn't cover more of this fight more because James uses so many words in such a short span of time and every single one of them is ridiculous.  His thoughts twist back around on themselves.  HE MAKES WORD PRETZELS!

Rose Ceremony

The guys are nervous.  Brooks is wearing brown shoes with a black suit.  No.  You fail the fashion portion of this evening.  Des says that she doesn't know what to do.  Yes you do. You just don’t want to do it.  Don’t lie to us.  The women of America will revolt!  

THREE PEOPLE WILL BE LEAVING!!!  Well, goodbye Michael.

Des gives the usual this-is-so-hard speech and I-made-the-best-decisions-I-could remarks.  Chris the Poet gets a rose.  Brooks gets a rose.  No way! She actually picked Michael.  I mean, I like him, but…this means Juan Pablo is going home.  No more Spanish roses! This means the women of America will be devastated.   

Juan Pablo says this is how life is.  He wants a family: he has a daughter but he also wants a wife.  Put your number on twitter.  The majority of America will respond.  Hashtag also goes home.  James is also going home.  He says that people will not know the whole truth…ever. 

The group will head to the Island of Medina next.  Helicopters, horses, canoes, making out on beaches, AND TEARS. 

Bloopers: Carlos the trainer is showing the guys and Des how to warm up.  There is this high feet dancing thing that is great.  

Armageddon: Bachelorette Edition

The Bachelorette: Des Edition Week 5

Mountains! Sledding! Lederhosen! Fireworks! Fancy chats with Chris Harrison! And drama galore!   In the midst of mountains, Des will walk listlessly as she sorts through the troubles.  And apparently will most likely fall in love with Brooks.  After all, he did have the most foreshadowed make-out time.

The scene opens with background yodeling and apparently a super sale on zip-up hoodies.  Literally everyone but Chris is wearing a zip-up hoodie.  But Chris has class, he will not dress like the other peasants. 

Chris Harrison welcomes them to Munich.  BENtley’s zip hoodie looks like the classic black and white striped prison uniform.  Again, Chris Harrison needlessly explains the date card system.  Michael really wants a one-on-one.  I hope he gets one too, if he will get the rose while he’s on it.  I would be way too sad if his snarky comments would get sent home.  In fact, I’d miss them on the group dates too.  Can he just go on both?  Again, ABC had outdone themselves with the place that they set the guys up in.  But this time it is not part of a towel factory.

Hahaha.  Hashtag said in German that “I will happily in Germany kiss you.” 

One-on-One

Chris and his classy sweater get the one-on-one and he can apparently read German, but does he understand it?  THAT is the question.  

Military Man is still torn about being on the show.  He looks like he is sitting in a torture chamber while he is around the other guys.  He is confiding in James?  Really? Mob hair is your confiding buddy?  After Des left on the date with Chris, he realized that this isn't for him…and he leaves the hotel to go find Des.

Des and Chris are super corny on their date.  They reenact Lady and the Tramp with sausages, dance around, and take pictures with street people.  Chris naively says that he doesn't think anything could go wrong.  Oh wait, you sweet, classy man.  Military Man is about to crash your date.  Military Man is stopping random German people and asking them if they have seen television cameras.  Kudos to him for not asking if they have seen a girl and a guy walking together, as most of the contestants would have.  Dang it! A guy that actually has smarts is leaving!  As he’s walking he says that he hopes that this won’t ruin their date.  Um…of course it will!  Oh no! He’s just waiting at the edge of the group of people watching Chris and Des dance.  Why do you have to leave like a creeper! You were my favorite!  Well, I guess I’ll be solidly team Michael after this.

Military Man was super smart to ask Chris if he could borrow Des to tell her something.  Chris says that he can and then he sits down to wait.  The camera men apparently got bored too cause they are filming pigeons…fat pigeons.  Des can tell it’s coming.  He tells her he’s leaving and she says goodbye.  She now questions if other guys will not be here for her.  Remember the rap people! She wants someone whose here for the right reasons! Right reasons! Cue Soulja Boy.

With awkward eye/camera contact, Military Man leaves.  Des heads back to Chris and has a talking head that says that she won’t let this affect her date.  Yeah. Sure. Those tears will TOTALLY not change the mood of your date at all.  Chris did make the most of the opportunity by assuring Des that he is here for her.  (Which IS the right reason, just in case anybody missed that theme). 

What is going on with the camera men?  Is there an art student among them? Seriously, there are weird shots of statues and things. We were just treated to the visual delight of a statue of a Lion holding a whisk.

Juan Pablo, James, Hashtag, Shirtless Wonder, Brooks, Jake 2.o, Mikey get the group.  That means that MICHAEL AND BENtley WILL BE ON A TWO-ON-ONE!!!!!  BEST IDEA EVER!!!!!!!  No good will come of this.  It will be great.

Back to Chris and Des, for a classy dinner.  They are in a palace like place for dinner and Des is trying to out-sparkle the THREE chandeliers in the dining room.  Chris commends her on how she handled the Military Man situation.  His talking head says silly things like he “doesn't have to worry about the other guys, about what time I have to go to bed…”  Really?  DO they give you a bed time or are you arbitrarily giving that to yourself?  She asks him what he is looking for and he tells her that he wants a relationship.  She says what she needs and dun dun DUN: POETRY! Smooth, just smooth. He wrote her more poetry and reads it to her.  Well done, especially after her troubles of today.  Congratulations Chris.  You are now a front runner and the proud winner of Kisses!  And to continue the streak: a private concert!  Concerts are definitely the new black….and this season’s version of helicopters.

Group Date

Des missed the memo on wearing sunglasses.  James is comparing group dates to a herd of sheep…does that make Des… Bo Peep?  Or is she a wolf???  They did get a fantastic view of the mountains.  Jake 2.0 says that he had more fun watching her than looking at the mountains.  They can see Germany and Austria from either sides. 

Yeah! Jaun Pablo imitates a yodeler.   But he is confused and doesn't know what he is called. “Juggler? Jeweler?”  The guys try to yodel with the yodeler.  They throw their arms around him and then squeal.  Des is so glad they are “embracing the culture.”  Literally.  The guys are taken to sleds which is their way down the mountain.  Jake 2.o is sure that something bad will happen.  Shirtless Wonder says that love is “just like sledding down this hill” cause you have to have fun and just let go.  True to prophecy, someone runs into Des.  At the bottom of the hill they have a snowball fight.

Cut to Michael, Chris, and BENtley sitting in the room.  We wonder if they don’t have a TV.  We have never seen the guys watching anything.  Maybe it’s to make them hang out and talk about their feelings.  You know, deprive them of TV to make ratings.  The date card comes and Chris gets it.  My guess is that he wanted the momentary reprieve retrieving the card would give him from the stifling tension in the room.  The date card the poem: Two guys, one rose. One stays, one goes.  Our question is, which Chris wrote that?  The host or the contestant?  Michael is ready to send BENtley home.  This should be good.

Back on the group date they head towards some mounds of snow with doors in them.  The guys don't seem to know what they are.  One of the girls here shouted "Igloos!" and from the frumpy outside they must have spent all the money on the inside.  And they did.  Inside, is carved the coolest hotel igloo thing.  It. Looks. Awesome.  Des tells the guys that if they don’t see themselves with her, to just leave (a la Military Man).  She wants honestly…and the right reasons! (Can I get a Soulja Boy?)

Brooks assures Des that he is here for her and doesn't even get through with his sharing session before he is given his reward.  Des just grabs his face and starts sucking face before he can even finish his statement.  Next up for some alone time is Mikey.  He suggests making mini snowmen.  Des LOVES that idea.  Kid in a candy store face.  Mikey suggests making their family of 5…or 10.  (I don't think he knows what he's asking with 10 kids).  As they are talking, Shirtless Wonder sneaks out with drinks and positions himself a ways away and yodels over to Des to come talk to him.  They both laugh, but in his talking head, Mikey wants to kill Shirtless Wonder.  However, Des thinks it’s hilarious.  Also, we are 98% sure that he is Not wearing a shirt under his coat.  Wait. He is. But, naturally, it’s a V-neck. 

Oh interesting.  Brooks is going to go find Des to take her away from James…who is apparently a jerk with the other guys.  Wait. Nope.  He just creepily watches them make out.  This show will break him; he is far too sensitive for this.  We want to know what happened to Juan Pablo’s air time.  Where is it?  Why is there not more of it?  Also, James is wearing a girl scarf. There are sparkly threads in it.

Two-on-One

BENtley is talking about how this will be a one-on-one with himself and Des.  Michael will just be an awkward third party.  Michael thinks that Des wants him to help her show the bad boy that is BENtley.  The car ride is THE WORST.  Good news: there are booze in the car!  Des knows that this will be extremely awkward; yet, she is excited for this date.  No honey, you are not.  I think she is entirely unaware of how much they don’t like each other.  This is a hilarious competition.  Michael comes out of the gate with compliments for Des and more chivalry then BENtley.  However, when the awkwardness is mentioned, Michael says that he likes confrontation.  Hmm….

Des tells them that they are going to do the Polar Bear Plunge.  After they get into their swimsuits, she tells them that they are actually riding in a hot tug.  That’s right.  A hot tub/tug boat thing.  Michael starts attacking BENtley.  Des is stuck in a bad situation.  Who didn't see that coming??? Des.  Des didn't.

Back at the hotel, the guys are talking.  Mikey is getting a face massage from James.  That’s right Mob Hair is giving Mob Attitude a face massage.  In another room, Jake 2.0 and Hashtag tell Chris and Brooks a story about James.  Where is Juan Pablo?  Did they even put him in the same hotel suite??? Maybe he is having a non serious party with Shirtless Wonder who is also missing from this huddle.

Back on the date, they go to a cabin for dinner.  Michael looks like he is on the war path.  In his war conference with the private camera, he says that he will have Des’ back and defend her honor.  It hasn't even been 5 minutes and Michael is starting a fight.  We are going to start counting how many times Des takes a drink.  We are already up to two.  Des tries to ask BENtley questions and Michael attacks every answer that BENtley gives. He actually does that enough that BENtley excuses himself to go outside.  Des tells Michael that she is not happy with how he is going about the date.  Her talking head shares the glorious idea of sending the two of them home.  We doubt she will do that though.  ABC is WAY too clever at their editing to give something like that away.  Crap.  BENtley totally just saved his butt with what he said when Des came to check on him.  Des admits in a talking head that she knows that it is troublesome that BENtley doesn't get alone with the other guys.  However, she doesn't see it.  I am afraid that she is reading the signs, but ignoring what they mean.  At least she is smart enough to ask Michael why he is so passionate against BENtley.  Although this has definitely not been his finest moment, I still wish that Michael would get the rose.  Des brings everyone back to give out the rose.  Although we haven't seen her drink anymore, there is no alcohol left on that table...in anyone's glasses.  Des says nice things to both guys and then says that she is going to give the rose to the person that she can picture a life with.  AND SHE PICKED MICHAEL!!! There was much rejoicing in our house.  Still, he has a lot of work to do after tonight because he did not handle this well.  He ended up looking like a jerk.  Hahaha.  There was much rejoicing in the guy’s suite when BENtley’s bags were taken.  His limo ride was ridiculous.  He was very vindictive and stupid in his comments.  You are still on camera buddy.  They WILL play anything you say.

Rose Ceremony

It’s time for our fancy chat with Chris Harrison.  Des says that this is a pivotal week.  Apparently, she may do something different this week.   Maybe send no one home? Chris Harrison only wants to talk about kissing.  That man wants ratings and he wants them now! After their silly conversation, Chris Harrison actually asks her his usual therapist questions about what has been happening. 

The guys are talking about how they all want to talk to her.  Jake 2.0 and Hashtag have talking heads that say they want to tell Des about what they overheard.  Des, however, tells Chris Harrison that she doesn't want a cocktail party.  Is anybody else disappointed that this was her idea of doing something different.  Honey, it's been done...by everybody...Hahaha.  Juan Pablo makes an “oooohhh” noise when he sees her walk into the room.  After learning that there is no cocktail party, Jake 2.0 starts to look ill.  The best is the shot of James talking with Jake 2.0 standing behind him, looking like batman.  Seriously.  He’s not the hero that Des deserves, but the hero that Des needs.  Jake 2.0 is furious that he doesn't have a chance to unearth the evil that is Mob Hair. 

Mikey whips out his dumbfounded face to start the arduous wait for the roses.  Shirtless Wonder gets a rose.  Hashtag gets a rose.  Juan Pablo gets another Spanish rose.  More air time! More air time! Jake 2.0 gets a rose.  Des looks like she is going to break down crying.  Boo.  James gets the last rose. 

Mikey and his dumbfounded face are going home.  Aw. He looks so sad.  He really wanted his miniature snowman family.  They didn't really have a connection, but he was nice.  He is handling this WAY better than most people.  Give that man a medal!  There were zero man tears, angry comments, or vindictive actions. 

Next week: Barcelona!

There will be much making out.  Chris Harrison will be so proud. 

Hashtag and James get into a fight.  Des is crying.  She is confused.  And there will be much fighting…and rejoicing on my part cause that will be massively entertaining. 

Outtakes: Yodeling.  Mikey looks even more confused than Juan Pablo.  The yodeler says that the key to a good marriage is for the woman to do anything the man says.  Brooks is very against this advice.  “Nice guy, horrible marriage advice. Horrible.”   

Bachelorette: Des Edition! Week 2

Bachelorette Week 2!

Des is hopeful! Des likes some of the guys! The previews show her kissing many guys…which will make Chris Harrison happy cause that man likes ratings.

Oh there is going to be a rap video with Soulja Boy…this could be the best of the horrible ideas that ABC has put into motion.

The show starts with Chris Harrison talking to the guys.  There is much clapping and smiling over the idea of Des coming over that day.  Chris explains what everyone knows about dates, roses, and date cards.  The guys actually clap when Chris leaves….they clap. 

Brooks is the lucky winner of the first one-on-one date.  He is excited.  I am worried about his greasy hair.  Brooks is super excited.  Jake 2.0 is already nervous about someone else getting a one-on-one.  Who knows, maybe Jake 2.0 will be the perfect combo of Jake 1.0’s smiles and J.P.’s “adorable” insecurity.

“He’s nice. He’s genuine. But he’s not me.”  Wow. Great quote Ben.  My liking of you from the first episode is now gone.  Even your cute kid will not save you if you keep making comments like that. 

Not gonna lie, I am loving Clorox’s bachelorette themed commercials.  I thought the idea of having “life’s bleachable moments” was funny…but adding the bachelorette twist is great.

One-on-One #1

Brooks thinks this will be his first date with his future wife.  Nice confidence…but it’s probably misplaced.  Des is going to show Brooks what it’s like to be in her shoes.   Are you going to make him date 25 women simultaneously? Apparently not.  To put him in her shoes she jokes that she is going to put him in a wedding dress.  Instead of making him a cross dresser, she puts him in the Worst. Tux. Ever. He looks like a mini version of the Green Giant.  She starts laughing that he looks like a leprechaun.  Brooks says that she is so beautiful, but that is because of who she is.  My mother had the most hilarious reaction: “oh good job!” said with the most sarcasm I have ever heard.  They decided to leave in their wedding attire.  Des said she “actually felt like a newlywed!”  My mother responded with “oh you are so full of hot air!”  Mom makes this show 10x better.   ABC got them access to the Hollywood sign.  Brooks is wearing a backpack?? We think it might have the food in it?  ABC gets kudos for the cool date idea.  Why on earth did ABC do a shot of their shoes from below?  I don’t care what their shoe soles look like.  I’m gonna be honest.  I still don’t like his hair.   Oh there it is, the classic question: are you open to love?  Who in their right mind is going to say no?  Especially on this show! Des said that she is so glad that Brooks went through a similar situation because that means that when he falls in love he falls in love for real.  Brooks thinks that this could be the first kiss that he has with the person he will spend the rest of his life with.  Um, statistically, that’s not looking good for you. 

Des got them “lost.”  Brooks is nervous because they are in a shady area…and he LOOKS it.  She wants to drive down a closed road.  He is like “let’s NOT do that.”  He is so nervous and says that the first thing you see is graffiti on all the walls.  Who knew a guy would get so jumpy from a deserted road.  I say it’s a joke/planned party.  Oh, I win.  Boom town.  Interesting…Brooks seems to get emotional like a woman.  He is so impressed by this bridge dinner for two.  He has TEARS in his eyes.  I understand that some women want a sensitive guy like that…but I’m going to pass.  Brooks looks like he is going to cry through the whole conversation.  One of the girls in our house thinks that he “just has a natural glisten to his eyes.”  Des asked him about what he wants in relationships and he hesitated a little too much.  He goes on to say what he wants in life and he is totally getting a rose.  He talked about his struggles with his family after his parents’ divorce.  Kudos to him for sharing that immediately because he is not just telling Des, he is telling all of America…or at least the female population.

Dan, Juan Pablo, hashtag, James, Zack, Ben, Shirtless Wonder, Brandon, Brian, Michael, Mikey, Jake 2.0, Nick M and Will get the group date. 

Brooks is completely blown away by the date and dun dun dun dun dun DUN! He gets the rose, as predicted.  Are you kidding me ABC?  Now there is a live concert!? They dance on a Persian rug that is in the middle of the road…because dancing on asphalt is WAY too hard.  Des & Brooks try to sing along but they are completely off key.  Stop!  Oh good.  Slow dancing and making out.  Chris Harrison will be so pleased.  Brooks likes that Des knows what she wants…and that she is sexy.  Des doesn’t know how it could get better than this.  I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this season without shooting myself.  Between these two we are going to have more cheese than a dairy factory. 

Group Date

Des is “just so excited!” She has never “had” to juggle 14 men before in her life!  The date card said “are you here for the right reasons?” The guys have no idea what this means for the date.  Apparently this means they are making a rap video! With Soulja Boy!  Des takes falling in love seriously… and she takes rap videos very seriously.  Hastag Kasey is excited.  Soulja Boy got greeted by the Superman dance.  The video is called “For the Right Reasons.”  The guys try to rap and James fails epically.  Jake 2.0 also can’t dance.  Oh, but Will might be worse.  Brandon has some crazy short shorts on.  The guys are totally avoiding him. 

Oh my gosh.  Their lyrics are based on past contestants! Oh ABC you are clever, oh so clever.  This is going to be EPIC.  You can watch the whole video by going to ABC’swebsite.  Ben is portraying Wes with the guitar and everything! Mikey keeps trying to distract Ben. He’s being kind of a jerk.  Des tells Ben that he is a rapper now.  She says they are all hot and have great personalities.  She says that it’s so great to see personality and looks combine.  Really?  You don’t even know them yet!  And on top of that, most of them are portraying previous contestants…are you really sure you are seeing their personalities?? Hmm? James is Rated R, the wrestler.  It’s so great the way that they are making fun of other people.  Oh the Mesnick is so great.   Oh no, Brandon has to shake his junk at her.  The guys are making fun of him the entire time.  He looks so uncomfortable.  Poor guy…he was falling out of that pair of underwear.  Des said that Brandon “really brought it.”  Really?  I think you could have said something else. 

From what Des has seen today there are A LOT of guys who are marriage material.  All you have seen are hot guys.  Wow! Shirtless Wonder owns clothes!  Des thinks that he has a great smile.  He says that thoughtfulness is key, and brings her a present.  He got her an antique journal that has never been written in, but has a really cool inscription from a father to his daughter.  I think he just purchased himself a rose with a journal.  Des just said that when she first met him he was “a shirtless man” and with this journal he just showed that he is here for the right reasons.  Well played, Shirtless Wonder, well played.  Oh no! Brandon just equated Des to a butterfly and how you can’t hold them too tight or you will squish them.  Gross metaphor.

Ben is already ticking the guys in the house off.  James isn’t sure if he is there for the right reasons and his intuition says that he is not.  Ben is pulling out the kid card and waving it around like a banner.  I’m pretty sure that he is going to try to ride the kid train all the way to a rose.  I just don’t understand how he could have a kid with his best friend, still be best friends, and yet, somehow, only be friends.  EW. They are kissing and it sounds so gross. 

Brandon sees them kissing and it is just “so hard” cause she’s great and he really likes her.    Oh really?  You’ve known her for 24 hours and you say you have strong feelings for her?  You weren’t even together for half of that!

Michael wants to assure Des that he is there for the “right reasons” and he will step up if anyone else is here for the “wrong reasons.”  He tells Des that he will have her back.  Sweet.  He pretty much just announced he will be a future snitch.

Cut to Mikey still steaming about Ben swooping in and taking Des away from him.  Oh good, the guys back him up and Mikey is going in for confrontation!  I like that he is addressing it right away because that is good TV.  I bet Chris Harrison is happy too.  Ben doesn’t want tension in the house.  He is not worried about the other guys and he says that he won’t ever stab Mikey in the back.  Lies.  All kinds of lies.  He even compliments Mikey’s shoes and they are probably buds now.

Bryden, aka Military Man, gets the next one-on-one.  I like him.  He has a nice smile and he seems like a good guy. 

Oh no.  Brandon says he needs to be more aggressive about things…and he swoops in and takes her from Jake 2.0.  He seems a little desperate.  He was born.  Thanks captain obvious.  He has a mom and dad like she did.  Again, unnecessary comments.  Oh.  Psych. It’s a sob story.  This seems early to be this transparent.  This is a very transparent season.  Apparently making a rap music video titled “The Right Reasons” makes all the guys get really serious really fast.  He says that he wants to love her and come home to her.  Des is eating this up.  Brandon has “fallen in like” with her.  He didn’t expect it.  Then why did you come on the show?  While I appreciate that he didn’t say he had fallen in love with her, why on earth did he say that he didn’t expect to fall for Des?  It’s the whole reason you came on the show! ...or it should be, you know, if you were coming “for the right reasons.” 

Des sits down with the guys to give out the rose.  Ben got the rose.  Looks like he rode the kid train all the way to the rose station.  Brandon doesn’t think Ben is the front runner or better than him.  Except he kind of is the front runner…Ben jokes that he is going to have to sleep with one eye open tonight. Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! 

One-on-One #2

Des is looking forward to her road trip with Bryden.  They talk about travel and road trips.  They stop to get some snacks at a convenience store.  Des is so excited to show him California because he has never been there before.  California embodies everything that Des is…which parts of California exactly?  Disney?  The beach? The drug addicts?  The redwoods?  Failed hopes and dreams of hundreds of want to be actors?

Their first stop is the beach.  Des tries to fly a kite and fails miserably, but on the bright side, Bryden thought it was cute.  Stop number two is an orange grove.  She asks him if he likes Brie…and he doesn’t know what it is! That’s adorable!  I like him a lot.  He is my front runner.  The last stop is a fancy-shmancy hotel. They have supper under huge tree that has lights dangling from the branches.  Des says that she felt like a little kid when she hung out the Bryden.  Bryden tells Des a deep story.  At least his story is more organic than Brandon’s.  Hahahaha.  He brought pictures! He actually thought ahead to bring pictures!  They seem to be having a good date.  Des looks interested in him.  He said that the military used to be his scape goat to keep him from getting close to people.  She asked him if it was still his scape goat.  He said no…and Des made a really odd face.  Her eyes widened in almost fright….  He got the rose for opening up.  Nice timing ABC.  They put a shot of Bryden taking off his shirt for the hot tub to Des’ talking head saying that they had chemistry.  Once they were in the hot tub it got real awkward, real fast.   He wanted to kiss her, but he was so shy.  Hahahaha! Des had to tell him to kiss her already.  He is so cute.  A little awkward, but cute.

Cocktail Party!

The guys are super serious.  There is tension in the room.  Hahaha.  Someone tweeted that they think the guy’s cycles synched up!  That’s fantastic.  Ben, Brooks, and Bryden are safe.  Apparently it’s a good sign if your name starts with a ‘b.’ Ben is so happy and so giddy.   Michael decides to tell Des that he has type 1 diabetes.  He wants her to know that it is serious and that it can be life threatening.  Yes. It can be.  My dad has that, but I don’t think it is as much of a deal breaker as he is worried it might be.  Yes, you need to watch your blood sugar and be proactive, but it is manageable.  But, before he can finish his story, Ben STEALS HER AWAY.  Dude already has a rose.  That is THE WORST…and Mikey is super ticked now.  Michael goes and tells all the guys what Ben just did.  Ben freaking stole her away to make out with her.  Des is a total jerk for letting him.  She should have told Ben to leave because he already had a rose.  All the guys are confronting him about how much of a tool he was to Michael.  I think Ben is the new Bentley from Ashely’s season.  Mikey is getting all kind of riled.  Michael is getting all riled.  Michael confronts Ben and guess who shows up: Mikey.  Ben is trying to defend himself, but he’s not doing a good job…cause there is really not a good excuse for being a tool.  But their argument did lead to some prime quotes—Ben: “You can say what you want.” Michael: “Well, I did!” & Michael: “I’m surprised he didn’t have his son come and interrupt us.”  James keeps telling them that Des will figure it out, she will be able to tell who is there “for the right reasons.”   Who knows maybe his intuition will be right on this too…and maybe this year’s theme will be “right reasons.”  Ooh! The rap they made could be the theme song like Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose” or Wes’ “Love Don’t Come Easy,” right?!?!

I wonder if they put the bachelorettes in low cut dresses, that will give no kind of shelter from the cold, to see if the guys will offer their jackets.  I feel like it could be a drinking game. 

Brian’s shiny forehead is really distracting.  I literally have no idea what he talked about.  Is it his gel leaking out of his hair?  And why is one eyebrow constantly higher than the other?  I’m pretty sure that I unintentionally raised my eyebrow to match his while he was talking.  I wonder if he will get a rose…his name does start with a ‘b.’

Chris Harrison takes drama as a good sign of the guys taking this seriously.  I think he is really taking it as a good sign of ratings.  Jake 2.0 is grinning like a buffoon.  He’s adorable, but that is ridiculous.  Des says that so many of them are “amazing husband material.”  I think this might be code for “amazing abs material.” I think Shirtless Wonder would agree.

James and his intuition got a rose.  Hashtag got a rose, but thankfully quit saying hashtag for this episode.  Dan, who I don’t remember at all, got a rose.  Juan Pablo gets a Spanish rose.  Brad, who did not get a date this week, got a rose.  Chris, another dateless man, got a rose.  Brian and his shiny face got a rose.  Told you.  ‘B’s do well.  Shirtless Wonder got a rose.  Jake 2.0 got a rose.  Mikey actually got a rose.  The drama lives on!  Zack gets a rose.  Michael gets a rose.  Good. Now he can finish his story.  Brandon gets the final rose.  He looked like he was going to faint.

Will, Robert, and Nick go home.  Will says some very nice things and thinks that he put himself into the friend zone.  Robert didn’t see this coming.  Oh honey, no one does; yet, it is the fate of many.  Nick feels pretty rejected.  Um, you were.  So good job on naming an accurate feeling. 

Des appreciates all of them and makes a toast to “the right reasons.”  Ew.

Previews say so many great things.  Ben keeps getting told that people don’t like getting lied to.  Someone is a “lying, cheating, deceitful pig!”  Oh good.  I hope its Ben.

The music video.  Oh, it’s so bad.  But good job to ABC for making Ben play another tool named Wes.