Bachelor Ben: Episode Two

Ben is probably the cutest bachelor we’ve had in the last 5 seasons. He’s just adorable. Our house is pretty excited about him. Sooo hoping I don't dislike him at the end of this. I was really excited about the last Bachelor Ben....but he picked the crazy chick....

KEVIN HART IS ON THIS EPISODE!!!!!

my reaction to seeing Kevin Hart

Lace looks like she’s going to actually have a mental breakdown. I expect great things from her. And by great I mean totally insane. 

I’m so lucky they have names for the girls on the screen all the time. So many of them look alike. He definitely has a type. I know some of the girls that have had screen time, but the rest? It's like they just filmed a Liberal Arts college sorority. 

We are starting the evening with ubiquitous shots of Ben getting ready/ looking pensive. Cause apparently it’s IMPOSSIBLE for a bachelor/bachelorette to get ready without looking pensive. Because putting on my jeans routinely makes me ponder the difficulties of dating 20 people at once. 

Lace admits that she “got a little too drunk, a little too emotional”

riiiiggghhht

“Let’s learn how to Love” –Or more aptly titled “Getting Schooled”

Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Portland, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace get the first date card.

Lace is excited to redeem herself. When you have to say “I am not a crazy girl” you are pretty much A CRAZY GIRL. 

Jubilee is adorable. I really hope that she breaks the barrier on the show and actually makes it really far. The end is usually way too white.

The girls are going to school... They will be split into teams and will have 4 “classes.” After each challenge one team is eliminated. The winner will be Ben’s homecoming queen. Unfortunately, Jubilee was partnered with Lace (who is the worst) and they were eliminated.

BECCA AND JOJO DIDN’T KNOW WHAT INDIANA LOOKS LIKE

Portland won the competition….because she’s got the legs of a stork. That’s so unfortunate. Amber is the one that carried them.

Oh good, Lace is pissed and is just going to be crazy. “My goal is just make sure that Ben doesn’t think I’m a crazy girl.” Oh honey, it’s too late for that.

Becca and Ben are chatting while shooting some hoops.

“My wife could be in this group. We’re getting to the point of real feelings developing.” WHAT?!?! What kind of feelings?? You’ve spent like 30 min with a girl. Feelings of disgust? Feelings of wanting to make out? It sure as heck isn’t feelings of love. You don’t know.

Jennifer and Ben kissed. With this knowledge, Lace’s crazy eyes popped.

Back at the House

Olivia is talking about getting a date card…and makes this horrifying face

Caila gets the one on one date card. I think Kevin Hart will be in her portion of the night!

Lace steals Ben to apologize for last night. She keeps cutting him off and telling him that she’s “not that person. I don’t want you to see that person.” The more she’s talking the more he looks slightly unnerved. She looks like a crazy stalker. Jubilee just SAVED him, walked in before Lace could maul his face. “I can’t believe that Jubilee of all people would do this to me.” Honey, I don't think you guys are close. This is not your bestie stealing your boy. this is a fellow contestant on a television show politely asking to talk to Ben. He is probably blessing her for walking in before Lace pounced.

So let's have a little background on my girl Jubilee. She was adopted from Haiti and is in the military. This girl is so amazing. There is a strength to her that most of the other girls don’t have. And she's gorgeous. She one of 3 girls that I'm pulling for at this point. I really, really hope she goes far.

Lace decides to complain about her lack of time and then interrupts one of the other girls to talk to him again.

I need to make score cards for

·         Lace saying she’s not crazy
·         Ben saying I appreciate that
·         Anyone saying I want to get to know you followed by kissing
·         Disbelief about intensity of feelings developing this quickly
·         Private concerts
·         Statements of being “here for ben” or for “the right reasons”

Ben gives the rose to JoJo.

Chris Harrison planned the One-on-One (like the Bachelor ever plans them)

Ice Cube and Kevin Hart walk through the door. I’m so excited for this. Kevin Hart is hilarious.

What’s the most romantic thing you’ve done for a woman?

                Ice Cube: I married one…that’s romantic right?

                Kevin Hart: I cooked fried chicken one time…in a crock pot.

Kevin Hart is trying to make the date as cheap as possible. He heckles a street vendor to give them half priced flowers. Ice Cube wants Ben to buy condoms and hard liquor. Kevin Hart is giving commentary and Ice Cube is trying really hard not to judge them…but he totally is. I hope they gave them a lot of money to be on this show.

Obviously, the ride along was not conducive for getting to know one another. Especially when Kevin Hart was naked in the hot tub...So the night portion of the date is that much more important. Ben asks Caila what she is looking for in a man…and she answers with the right relationship and then asks him why he thinks he’s unlovable. That’s not actually answering the question.

Gosh, I should have made a score card. Ladies and those Gentlemen forced to watch this, we have a private concert.

“Are We a Perfect Match”

Emily, Shushu, Sam, Olivia, Haley, and Amanda comprise group number 2.

Tweedledee and Tweedledum need to leave. They are obnoxious. 

The girls are at a “love lab.”

a what?

The lab did eye tests, smell test, and a thermal reaction test. It was very weird. Olivia was kinda being a butt about it. She was scoring well and knew it. Sam knew she wasn't scoring as high and Olivia just kept making snide remarks. Gah, her stupid smug face! She needs to stop making the open mouth face.

Ben is very classy on this date yet somehow he picks the meanest girl on the date. 

Maybe it's a Ben thing?

Amanda is super sweet and opened up about her family and he still gave the rose to Olivia who has been a jerk about getting the high score on the love test. Granted, he can’t see it, but darn it! Stop rewarding only the outgoing people! Amanda is Emily 2.0. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS PICK EMILY 2.0!

Cocktail Party

Ben is a lot more calm and he hopes to be talking to everyone tonight. He offered his jacket! He's so sweet sometimes.

Olivia doesn’t want to ‘rest her laurels on having a rose.’ She steals him and sets the house ablaze with gossip. “Now I’m done. Everyone else have at it. I hope everyone can respect that.”  What on earth?! Why would you say that? “Me getting the rose last night, was not my choice. Him pulling me aside, was not my choice.”

OH MY GOSH. LACE pulls Olivia aside to talk about how she’s behaving. Crazy B 1 talking to Crazy B 2.  What. Is. Happening.

Ben gave Lauren B a photo that he had the producers print off. “I don’t know how to make you feel special?” He’s adorable. Go for solid women like Lauren B and Jubilee please! He is giving a couple of the women little presents. HE WANTS TO MAKE THINGS FOR AMBER’S GIRLS. It’s precious! Totally planned by ABC, but great!

Rose Ceremony

EMILY 2.0! Jubilee! Lauren B! Leah, Becca, Rachel (who is that?), Lace (HE LOOKED DOWN! HE DIDN’T WANT TO KEEP HER!) LB –wants to talk to Ben. She's leaving?!?! Jennifer, Emily, Jamie, Lauren H, Shushu, Haley

Chris Harrison comes to remind us all how to count to 1

we should all be able to count to 1

Amber gets the final rose.

Up next: Ben makes out with people, everyone says he’s great, Ben makes out with more people, Olivia gets super possessive, Lace cries more than I think is possible, and eye rolls abound.

Bachelor Ben!

Dear Ben,

I hope I still like you at the end of this.

Love, Me

He hails from Warsaw Indiana…and my sister and Ben have a mutual friend. ALSO she told me when they were filming there.  Crazy, right?!

Ben is telling us about his hopes and dreams while wading in some tall weeds. I wonder if they made someone sit out there until they found some deer to film.

Ben’s greatest fear is to be un-loveable. I wonder at going on national television with that fear. It’s exponentially harder to be real with people when there are 20 other people watching, let alone millions watching on the screen. “I’m really nervous to date 25 people. BUT I’m looking for ways in life to make me a better man…” DATING 25 GIRLS AT ONCE WILL NOT MAKE YOU A BETTER MAN!

Apparently ABC has no shame. Bachelor Ben in a McDonald's commercial. No. Stop. Marketing teams needs to cut it out. That actually makes me want to go to McDonald's less. 

Chris, Sean, and Jason stop by for their contractually obligated advice giving session

“I wanna join the married bachelor club” sooo don’t listen to Chris…

“Good news, is that you’re the only guy. They won’t compare you to anyone.”

“They’ll be thinking about you all the time”

…you are also in the perfect breeding ground for numerous, terrifying stalkers…

I also love that Chris was silent for a good portion.  His advice “it’s hard…and these guys did a lot better job than I did.” You sir, have spoken truth. 

“I am excited about finding someone who is excited…to be alive….and in love” So an adrenaline junkie.

“Nothing was more heartbreaking than when Ben confessed to Kaitlin that he feels un-loveable. Just to show him how loveable he is, we made him the bachelor.” So to show him he’s loveable, you put him in an environment with a horrid success rate?!?!?

Caila BROKE UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND BECAUSE OF WATCHING THE BACHELORETTE??

Mandi is crazy…but she’s also from Portland. She's keeping stereotypes alive one bad hat after another.   “Ben seems like he flosses…”

Twins. Why? Just no. Are they a package deal? Can you pick one without the other? Can they even tell themselves apart? Calling it now. They will be Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

Ah, we have our token mom. Amanda is adorable. I have hopes that she’ll be the next Emily.

CHICKENS

*Not featured on the show. But Google chickens in sunglasses. Seriously.

. Tiara is “a chicken enthusiast” What does that mean? “These are my human babies”

 

THE MOB ARRIVES

First one out of the limo is Lauren B.  She’s cute and giggly. She brought him a pair of wings. I wonder if she wore blue because she’s in the sky all the time.

Caila hops out of the limo, runs, and jumps into his arms. “Thanks for catching me. Can I catch up with you inside?” 

Openners are bad. “Will you remember my name? Ben and Jen is too cute to forget” gag. me. now.

Jami is from Canada. She says she knows Kaitlin and she told Jami that Ben has a really really big…heart. I’m done. I’m just done with this show

Jubilee is stunning. She chokes a little which is adorable.

TOKEN MOM IS HERE! She’s actually normal at the greeting. That will be memorable.

Lace is wearing lace. You are a cliché. And she stole the first kiss.

Lauren R. is a math teacher. She mentions that she’s stalked him over social media. 

He asks for her name…which she never gives… “she was gorgeous…just…don’t know her name…” She's gorgeous and terrifying. Does everyone stalk people on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram? Sure! Do you admit it? NO!

There was a girl that spoke a foreign language the whole time. “I don’t know if I’m tired or just losing my mind.” Probably both. From what I’ve heard about the show, it’s probably crazy late at night by this point.

JoJo needs to just go home. The unicorn bit need to not happen. I wonder how tired Ben was because he said this was normal….and he asked to keep the hat. I bet it was to throw the mask away.

Mandi IS the first impression rose. I'm just going to call her Portland now. She offered to let Ben pollinate the flower later

Self-appointed Red Velvet is freaking out because she “has yet to see an ugly individual.” She may be falling apart, but she's got the best nickname. 

Tweedledee ad Tweedledum are so excited to make an exception for Ben and date the same man.

There is a pony. I am soooo done. 

“He’s the onesie for me!” NO. 

No one wants your puns. Go home.

Jessica looks normal. Please be normal.

Tiara’s here! Chicken lady is here!

Olivia has a cute dimple and seems normal.

Chris Harrison comes to talk to fill time and let Ben know that he can head inside. Honestly, I’m a little disappointed because they TOTALLY doctored his eyes on the ABC website. See?!?! No one has those eyes!

I say lies! No one has eyes like that!

Ben calls his parents on speaker phone and tells them that there are so many beautiful women. I hope he looks for more than looks. 

Olivia left a job that she loved as a news anchor to come on the show…if this doesn’t work out that’s will prove to be a really bad decision.

Ben is talking to all of the girls and says “tonight is gonna get crazy” and cue Chris bringing in Becca and Amber. Hahahahaha he just sends them inside “find Ben and see what he says.” Helpful Harrison is not something that Chris would ever be called.

Lace is wasted. She asks Ben for a kiss. Before Ben could explain why he wanted to wait on that, Portland came in and stole him. Lace is losing it.

Okay, Ben is solid. He searches for Lace to clarify so that she isn’t reading into things too much. That’s so thoughtful. However, Lace is so wasted that she’s reading too much into that and completely confused what Ben said.

I really like Ben and Lauren B. They seem very natural together. I hope she gets the first impression rose…..but it goes to Olivia. She gets it for giving up a job for a man she doesn’t know.

ROSE CEREMONY

Ben walks in and mimes his heart pounding. Nervous laughter obnoxiously floods the room. Ben gives the thanks-for-playing speech.

The Rose Winners is order of appearance:

Lauren B, LB, Caila (Dang it. Crazy eyes is staying), Amber, Jami, Jennifer, Jubilee, Amanda, JoJo, Lea, Rachel, Samantha, Jackie, Tweedledee, Tweedledum, Shushuana? Shushawna? Shushu? Shushu. Lauren H., Becca, PORTLAND?!?!, AND FREAKING LACE? but…..but…Red Velvet. Why? She’s cuter and WAY more sane. 

Lace is also wasted.  She grabbed Ben to scold him for not looking at her. She’s questioning everything because he didn’t look at her once. “I GAVE HER A ROSE!” Yes, you did Ben. But when you give a Lace a rose she’s gonna want a ring.

Coming Soon! to a TV near you: Girls Crying! Ben Crying! Drama! Backstabbing! Waterfalls! “Advice” from Chris Harrison! And every 5^th girl telling Ben she loves him (I see what you did there ABC)

In Paradise!

That’s right ladies and gents, we are embarking on an acid filled adventure with “the broken hearted” that are taking another stab at love….it’s going to be bloody. Literally.  That’s what the previews say.

To get us excited about the season, ABC plays the same clip we have seen for 4 weeks.  There will be joy, laughter, tears, regrets, more tears, and a possible arrest?? And let’s not forget, Marquel!!!!

Chris Harrison welcomes Crazy Clare onto the island.  She is ready to find love.  She is not going to let one bump in the road keep her from finding love.  She wants a man to step up and say “I want you!”

Marcus is the first guy to come to the island.  He was at least smart enough to wear flip flops.  Crazy Clare had to take off her wedges to get to the special beach house which appears to be open to the elements.  The guests are excited and so are the bugs that are going to get into EVERYTHING.

Sarah is the next girl to come to island.  Marquel, Danielle (from Sean’s season I guess?), and Graham join the others.  I am personally excited to see this.  Michelle Money is also supposed to be on this and to watch stuff go down between these two should be good.  Lacy (from Juan Pablo’s season) comes.  The guys think she is gorgeous.  BENtley is BAAaaaccckkk.  He walks onto the beach just as Crazy Clare says “I hope there are no douchey guys here.  I can’t stand douchey guys.” Well done ABC.  The original crazy train, Michelle, is back.  Robert is also here.  Dylan is here.  Marquel runs to meet him and they chest bump on the beach. They are precious.  Elise is wearing the worst possible shoes for a beach…I’m pretty sure anyone’s grandmother could beat her in a foot race.  Seriously woman, you knew the title of the show right? There would be sand! And yet you wore those shoes…AshLee joins the group.  All of the girls are wearing stupid shoes. 

How the Show Works

Each week there will be Bachelor Style dates.  The date card will say who the bachelor(ette) is and they get to decide who to take on the date with them.  To stay on the island you have to be part of a couple.  There will be a rose ceremony each week.  This week there are 7 girls and 6 guys.  Therefore, all the guys are safe this week, but one girl will be going home.  Next week, the odds will be in the girls’ favor. Let the games begin! Hahaha as one of the girls here described it, basically we are watching the bachelor version of dodge ball.  Last one picked goes home….sad and alone…

The girls are feeling the pressure of being outnumbered.  Lacy comes in hot, taking Robert out to the ocean.  She basically makes him hold her up above the waves.  Later that evening, Marcus is moping out in the water.  Lacy goes out there to “get to know him better.”  Sarah is chaffing under the pressure.  She cannot stand watching Lacy through herself at multiple guys.  Everyone the beach was trying to figure out who Lacy likes better. 

Haahaha Crazy Clare and Marcus were talking when Dylan and (Elise? Danielle? A blond one?) Go frolicking in the ocean.  Marcus and Clare were basically making comments like regular viewers across America.  Once Dylan and Elise(?) start kissing Crazy Clare started commenting about how adorable they are.  Marcus comments that they are probably witnessing their first kiss.  It’s like they are the representation of all of us….

AshLee is complimenting Graham.  She is sure that they are meant to be.  I’m fairly certain that he has no idea the amount of insanity that just latched itself onto him…he should run, but he just doesn’t know it…where is Michelle Money??  I just want her to come in this episode!

Crazy Train sees the date card and summons the troops.   Sarah is still freaking out about the odds against her.  Crazy Clare is stoked to get the first date card.  Crazy Clare picks Graham.  The other guys are surprised but excited for him.  AshLee is instantly devastated.  She is whispering to herself.  She is sooo mad at Graham.  She is saying that “He couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours.”  Danielle says that AshLee looks crazy.  Danielle says that she is not going to keep going after Graham because she doesn’t want to get murdered in her sleep.  Hahaha ABC is making it look like Crazy Clare is talking to a raccoon when she is totally talking to a producer. 

Oh My Gosh! Crazy Clare is going to tell Graham that she thinks its best that she takes someone else on the date since AshLee is going bonkers.  Danielle says that she feels like she is in a soap opera because of all the drama.  Crazy Clare takes Robert with her.  Apparently they already knew each other, but she hasn’t thought about him in a romantic sense before.  But she thinks that they have chemistry….

Lacy is focusing on Marcus while Robert is gone.  BUT, Sarah got a date card and she asks Marcus.  Lacy is not doing well.  Also, in a slightly unrelated note, Lacy looks like a Pink Lady from Grease in her talking heads right now.  Which brings us to another question: why does she look so good in her talking heads but like a hot mess when she is with everyone else?  Her hair…what is her hair? When Robert and Clare get back, lacy talks to Robert because she is having a really rough night. 

Someone is coming!!!! Please be Michelle Money! Please be Michelle Money!  YEEEESSS IT IS!!!!!! And Graham looks pumped!!!!!  Game changer!  I’m going to be honest here, I had no good hopes for this show until I found out that Michelle Money was coming back. 

So Money walks in WITH A DATE CARD.  She grabs Graham to talk to him. Needless to say AshLee looks horrified.  The next morning AshLee goes to apologize to Graham because if he doesn’t give her a rose no one will.  And Money hasn’t picked her man yet for her date card.  AshLee is a crazed girl flailing as she is going down.  Money picks Marquel for her date.  She looks pumped as he accepts and they go to get ready.  While I could see how Money and Marquel could be adorable, I doubt that things are completely over between Money and Graham.  WHAT IF HE GIVES HER THE ROSE INSTEAD OF ASHLEE!?!?!? AshLee’s head would explode! I now want this almost as much as I wanted Money to show up tonight….

Lacy gets the next date card and she has a tough decision to make.  She is attracted to Robert and Marcus… she’s “80-40” ….no, honey, you “dumby-dumby” your percentages are supposed to add up to 100%.... not 120%  Marcus and Dylan are talking about how Lacy is putting “all of her eggs in Robert’s basket”…that’s not awkward wording at all….

Also, what is Lacy’s hair? Did she forget that her rollers were in?  And Dylan is giving horrible advice.  Don’t listen to Dylan.   

Here is why I love Michelle Money: she is super good at reading people and she can work a crowd.  Somehow she also is very maternal while still being in on just the right amount of drama.  Girl has skills.  She also gives THE BEST talking heads.  I would probably watch any incarnation of this show if she was on it.

SIDENOTE: Why is EVERYONE (except my girl Money) failing at English?!?

Marquel somehow pulls off the craziest outfits.  He is adorable no matter what he wears.  I’m fairly certain that he is the only person on the planet could pull off his style…which is appropriate cause there is no one like that boy. 

Rose Ceremony Time!

Marquel is first …but Crazy Train wants to say something and interrupts Marquel….And she is saying that she wants to go home?!?!  Therefore, only one girl is going home.

Back to Marquel—he picks my girl Money

Graham—AshLee (I feel like he just did this to avoid the wrath of the women) Sarah said he has to pick her or he’d “get his balls chopped off” But who would do this heinous act? Not AshLee if she went home! But alas, she stays.

Dylan—Elise (who is apparently already in love with Dylan?!?!) he should change his pick for next week…

Marcus—This gets interesting because he likes Lacy but told Sarah he would give her the rose if Lacy is safe.  The drama here is high people! Who will he choose!? Lacy…cause he is a game changer, that’s why! Robert will now have to pick someone else….probably Clare

Robert—Clare (as previously predicted, thank you very much)

BENtley—Sarah (and this is the first time I have ever liked this guy)

Danielle goes home…which is interesting because she had a lot of talking heads so I thought she might stay longer….no worries Money will keep us apprised of all the juicy details  

Basically, BENtley had no screen time.  I forgot he was on there until the whole will-Sarah-get-sent-home portion of the rose ceremony.  I wonder if he will be able to redeem himself on this show….picking Sarah was a good first move.  Dylan should probably run.  Elise seems uber desperate.  We have a love triangle between Robert, Marcus, and Lucy.  Graham, my boy, you are in trouble.  You need to find a way to drop AshLee.  Also, I’m fairly certain that Graham and Money have a pack to inform each other of what each gender group is thinking…should get interesting…

Next Week: why did Crazy Train really leave? Bird Beak Chris comes and someone jumps off of a balcony?!?

WEEK FOUR!!!!

Week 4 of Juan

The gang is in South Korea.  There will be jealous girls, catty girls, and tears galore.

Juan has to say goodbye to Camilla because we are starting the traveling portion of the show.  Chris Harrison comes into the room and counts the girls that are left…just in case one of them can’t count to 13.  The girls squeal at the prospect of grabbing their passports.  Sharleen freaked out more than the others at going to South Korea….which is surprising because she screamed when they said Gangnam style…I did not see an opera singer liking Korean pop. 

Clare is annoyingly peppy in the talking head.  I now wonder if I look as ridiculous as her when I clap…

In fact all the girls are doing little claps as they get off planes and trains.  This year they are showing some footage of the girls’ reactions to the traveling which is actually fun to watch.

Date Card! Nikky is worried about getting a one-on-one because she wants to get to know him better.  Meanwhile, ABC is showing Juan play carnival games by himself...which just looks sad.

Group date will be: Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki.  Needless to say, Nikki is displeased. 

Juan does this adorable little talking head about Korean Pop…which sounds hilarious when he says it...and like he has no idea what it is.  Apparently the girls are going to dance with Korean equivalent of the Spice Girls.  2ne1 is the biggest Korean Pop group.  They are learning the dance and Kat is showing off.  Kat’s confidence is starting to rub Nikki the wrong way. Nikki does the best talking head showing her outside face which is a sweet smile and her inside face which looks like grumpy cat.  2ne1 just invited the group to dance with them at their concert that night and Kat is on cloud nine.  Nikki, however, looks like her worst nightmare is about to come true.  Hahaha she just said she would do this for a school of the blind! I kinda like how she gets sassy when she’s upset. 

The girls get makeovers and go onstage.  Kat shows off.  Nikky looks like she is going pee her pants.  Overall, I think those concert goers just had the thought “stupid Americans” running through their heads.  At the night handout ABC did some masterful editing.  They juxtaposed Nikki talking behind people’s backs (mainly Kat’s back) and Kat having a heart to heart with Juan.  Oh good, I think the other girls are going to start mentioning that some people are not here for the ‘right reasons.’ 

HOLD UP PEOPLE! Nikki and Juan are talking and he asked her how she felt about Camilla! This is the first time he’s done that (as far as I know. Disclaimer: I didn’t watch last week).

Sharleen gets the next one-on-one.  Clare doesn’t think that Sharleen and Juan Pablo are right together. 

Juan takes Nikki and gives her the rose….and the girls about lose it! 

Sharleen’s date starts with a walk down in the local market.  They buy traditional dresses, food, and beverages.  Then they go to a tea house and talk for a bit.  Sharleen is very intelligent. I find it hard to believe that she would be content staying with him.  Juan Pablo is soft spoken and he listens.  This makes it hard to gage his intelligence level.  Sharleen sings for Juan and then they make out.  He asks her about kids and how many she wants.  She basically said that she has never thought about it and the last time she dated a guy with a kid she had a hard time with it.  Juan gave her the rose.  His talking head says that he knows that she must want kids because she is here and she would have known that he had a kid.  No son.  You just acted like a girl and heard what you wanted to hear.

Group date starts with karaoke.  Then they do many other things including having the fish eat the dead skin off of their feet (which I have always wanted to do!! It looks so crazy and ticklish and weird and fun!)  Clare is super territorial which is really fun to watch because it will drive people mad…including Clare.  Juan has promised himself that he won’t kiss anyone tonight because he doesn’t want to kiss all the girls.  Lauren S. asked for a kiss in Spanish and he said no and gave his reason why.  However, the fact that he has kissed girls in the past sent this girl over the edge.  Tears.  So many tears.  Pretty sure her chances were just shot to heck.  Juan went to go talk to her.  Apparently, Clare instigated a no kissing policy with them.  Juan likes it….yet…..he kisses Clare anyway. Andi got the rose from the group date…as she should cause she is normal and not emotionally unstable. 

Cocktail Party

Nikki is committing a mortal sin – she went to talk to Juan Pablo even though she has a rose.  Oh good, Juan asks her about drama in the house.  She seems a little thrown.  Afterwards, she confides in Kelly, who is the best at just being present for the drama.  Nikki assumes that Clare said something to Juan because she talked to Juan right before Nikki.  She implies this when Clare comes over.  I am so glad that the two sparks in the house are confrontational.  This should lead to some awesome fires. 

Rose Ceremony

Juan compliments the peeps (as all of the chosen ones do).  And the roses go to: Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Allison, Clare, (Chris Harrison making sure America can count to one), and Kat.

Elise is ready to have a family unlike some of the other girls in there.  And cue the ugly crying.  Lauren S. is also going home…which I called right after the kiss incident.  Cue the ugly crying and self-pity. 

Next week: the girls are going to VIETNAM!!! Also, Clare is going to drive the other girls nuts! Looks like Clare is going to take something too far.  

Juan's Opening Act

That's right Bachelor fans, he's back--and this time with his own show!

It’s Juanuary!

The bachelor franchise has promised us the most exciting season yet! (as always...) And they just might deliver with their superbly picked Juan Pablo.  This may be the most voted for bachelor since the inception of the show.  The majority of American women screamed for his season. 

This season: Juan is happy! He’s ready for love! ... And is apparently making out with everyone.  But wait! There’s more! --there are tears.  Because, what would this show be without tears?

ABC decided to introduce us to Juan Pablo and his lovely abs by showing him at his photo shoot.  The first thing I noticed was that he had purple socks.  He is the most precious when he is talking about his daughter and how she will always be his valentine.  And at this point I almost stopped listening...because the intros are boring.  Always boring. I want to see a breakdown.

Juan is excited to be the first bachelor that speaks the language of love.  This is when I gagged.  We also have the obligatory speech about love and how he is going to propose when he wants to get married for life. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that if you get married it should be for forever.  Not because the infatuation will last that long, but because it is a commitment.  You work at marriage.  It’s about finding someone you are willing to love and serve, not the other way around.  That, however, is not the purpose of this show.  But back to the show...

Juan is surprised by Sean....or is he?..  Hahaha.  Juan is worried about keeping track of names.  That is valid.  There are some close names this season and a ton of brunettes.  Also, Sean is telling Juan to only kiss in secret cause the girls will get jealous.  Duh.  Sean should not have had to learn this the hard way. Ten bucks says that Juan doesn't listen.

Jaun is getting ready and has not one, not two, but three black ties laying on his bed….and he’s already wearing one!  Why so many black ties?  Do they feel different?

Heeyyy it’s Chris Harrison.  He is telling us about how Juan Pablo was the biggest fan favorite of all time.  I wonder if he will get more air time this year. 

We get to meet a couple of the girls.  I have a love/hate relationship with these videos.  

Chelsie is very excited to meet Juan Pablo.  She is learning phrases in Spanish.  She sounds and looks ridiculous.  Renee is a single mom.  Andi is a lawyer.  She looks foreboding.  Oh but she could be trouble…she is not okay with Juan Pablo dating 24 other girls.  You have to be okay with this or you will ruin your life!! Yet, you could make for good TV...ABC has done well with this pick.  Amy J is terrifying.  Oh no, she is going to be one of the crazy ones.  She keeps saying horribly awkward things.  She is a massage therapist.  Nikki is a pediatric nurse and I now have faith that there are going to be smart people on this show!  I like her a lot…she is one of my front runners, but I want better for you than the bachelor!  Lauren has baggage.  Like elephant size baggage.  And at this point, I started talking to one of the other girls in the room and missed a couple of girls.  Now Lacy is on the screen.  She seems nice, yet somehow I don’t like her.  Clare is our token daddy issues girl.  She was super close with her father, who passed away from brain cancer.  This is not going to end well.  Fans will probably love her, but that is some heavy stuff to be broadcasting on television.  

Chris Harrison is welcoming Juan Pablo back to the mansion and the girls start arriving.

Limo number 1:

 Amy L. is the first girl to meet Juan Pablo.  She is sweet.  There is a very pretty girl named Cassandra, but there was the most awkward of pauses.  ABC even added crickets for those of us at home.  Christy has a weird headband on and she is really in love with bottle blond hair.  Christine is the next one out of the car.  She is in a gorgeous emerald dress.  She brought a gift for the daughter which was genius! Nikki is here! Her dress is not stellar, but I like her so much.  She brought a stethoscope so that he could hear her heart beat quickly. 

Limo number 2:

Kat? Gonna be honest, I didn't catch her name...and I don't remember what she did. Oopsie!

Chantel is teaching Juan Pablo how to say her name and then she pronounces his perfectly.  Victoria is in a horrible dress.  She looks like she is wearing cheese.  She knows Portuguese and they are going to help each other with languages.  Lucy’s job is being a free spirit!  That’s her freaking job! That's not real! Not a real thing!  She’s not wearing shoes! What?!?!?! Danielle is pretty and I really like her hair.  Oh good! We have a crazy entrance.  Lauren S. is a music composer who wheeled a piano up the drive way and played for him.  Juan started to come help and when she said she had it he replied “I’ll wait for you!” and scurried back to his place.  Super cute.  Juan Pablo even went back in for her name…she’s not the only one to not give a name, but this is the only one he’s gone back in for. 

Limo number 3:

Chelsie is a teacher.  She is going to do an experiment for him…no she is making a corny chemistry joke.  Valerie wore boots so that he would know that she is country.  Elise is nice and is in a super sparkly dress.  Ashley is shining bright like a diamond.  She is giving him a gold star so he can shine too...  Oh and they cut to commercial when there might be a pregnant girl getting out of the car.  But I bet it’s a soccer ball or a pillow.  It’s Clare.  The baby is fake.  And it is a stupid ploy.  I don’t like you Clare.  Alli comes out with a soccer ball and now Juan is thoroughly intrigued.  Crazy Amy J is here!  She’s in a metallic thing.  Renee is connecting with Juan over single parenthood.  Lauren H has too much affection for scrunching her face.  Maggie is from the south and she brought Juan a fishing hook.  She is hoping that he is he catch that she has been waiting for (Cue eye roll from me).  There is a dog?  Kelly has dog lover as her occupation.  That is not an occupation.  She should sit on a bench with free spirit girl. 

Limo number 4:

Lacy has a dress with an Angelina Jolie size slit.  She gives Juan a red hot prescription…literally red hots in a prescription bottle...  Soooo we have a potential drug dealer.  Awesome.  Alexis gets Juan’s seal of approval for cuteness.  Kylie is a red head wearing pink (who let her do that?!?)….hahahah she totally walked off before he was done talking.  That’s fantastic.  WE HAVE AN OPERA SINGER!!  This means we have class! Sharleen came all the way from Germany.  I have hopes for her.   Andi tells him that he can’t be bad at her name because he asked twice.  Hahaha. I like that. 

Juan is tired of talking to Chris, but first he must hear about the first impression rose.  Chris sends him off with “The house is yours!”  Juan tries to get the girls to relax because he wants to get to know the real them.  He’s cute because he’s awkward.  He says that he feels like a meat that they want to eat right there.  That’s great.  His talking heads should be good.  Juan Pablo turned on some music to keep them from staring at him.  THEY HAVE A PHOTO BOOTH!  I want a photo booth. 

Juan and Nikki have some alone time.  Hahaha—he remembers her by saying Nikki the Nurse.  She seems to understand the show.  I like her but she seems really giggly.

Renee is talking with Juan Pablo about being parents.  Oh. My. Gosh. She just equated him getting pregnant with making a goal…ew.  Just. Ew.  Why did we go there?  Why?  That was not necessary.

Free Spirit is back! She literally has a flower headband. 

Amy J is seriously stalker material.  He was willing to get on the massage table, but he looks really awkward as she tries to give him a massage and is removing articles of his clothing.  SHE IS TOUCHING HIS BUTT.  She makes the most disturbing noises.  Juan Pablo’s talking head is the best.  He just awkwardly looked at the camera and said that she is nice but the massage was a little awkward.  Oh honey, that massage is the capital building of awkward town. 

Everyone is freaking out about the first impression rose.  No one has sanity left.  Oh good, they are taking role to see who has not gotten time with Juan yet.  "It is not just a rose!"  Maggie is serious! This is her life.  

Chelsie actually asked Juan if he remembers her name.  He looks at her and just goes “..no..”  Kudos to him for just admitting that.  

Elise gets some time and I am looking closely at her dress for the first time…it looks like she glued costume jewelry to her chest.  They are massive crystals. 

The girls are freaking out about getting time with Juan.  Oh good,  I think Lauren H is on the fast track to tears.  We might get the first breakdown earlier than anticipated...Aaaaaannnnd Here they are!  Elephant size baggage comes with a side of tears.  She is obviously not ready for this.  Honey you need to go home.  1) you can’t handle rejection right now 2) this show is BUILT on rejection 3) The chances of you finding a lasting relationship on this show are not in your favor.  Ashley took her aside and is trying to calm her down.  She is pretty much treating her like one of her students.  Wait…did Ashely just go find Juan Pablo for Lauren H?? Cause he just appeared out of nowhere.  Juan just sits there while she emotionally vomits her whole story on him.  What is he supposed to say after that?  ABC cuts it so that we can’t see.  Boo ABC. 

They then go to a montage of girls.  Juan says that the girls have been nice and great.  By the music, ABC wants us to feel the physical connection between Andi and Juan...they are playing Latin music.  THE OPERA SINGER IS BACK!! She is also the only one that didn’t try to learn Spanish! She is classy!  Hahaha she just said wiener.  ABC wants us to know that there could be a romantic connection here...there mood music has changed...Juan goes to get the first impression rose.  She hesitated sooo much before accepting the rose.  She is actually is paying attention to what she thinks about him and not just to what he thinks of her.  New favorite.  She is classy, she has brains, AND she is using common sense. 

ROSE CEREMONY

Sharleen already has the first impression rose.

Juan tells the girls that they all look fantastic.  He says that he is making his decisions based on his life and his daughter.

Clare, Nikki the Nurse, Renee (hot mama), Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S (piano man), Kelly (and her dog), Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie, Kat, Victoria (or cheese dress), Christy, Lucy, Elise, and Amy L get roses.

That leaves Maggie, Alexis, Kylie, Amy J, Lacy, Ashley, Christine, Valerie and Lauren H rose-less and bound for home.The girls that did not get roses say their goodbyes and leave.  Crazy pants Amy J gives us the quote of the night! The message therapist literally said, “Sometimes people don’t always feel you the way you feel them.”  Best quote ever!  Oooh…Kylie is crying as she goes home probably more from embarrassment than anything else.  The girl thought her name was called but it was not.  Lauren H was sent home.  She is still crying from earlier in the night.  I get that pitying looks from people would be tough, but you should have known better than to go on this show…especially after your recent breakup.

COMING SOON!

Unforgettable adventures, fireworks (naturally!!), and platitudes about Juan Pablo.  Water! Islands!  Kissing! AND TEARS!  Hahaha and Juan disregards Sean’s advice and kisses somebody where other girls can see him.  Can I get my ten bucks now? Oh good, there will be plenty of cat fights too.  I haven’t seen anything with the opera singer and that makes me sad.  Where is she? I liked her.  Oh here she is.  I bet she goes home.  She has too much class for this.  

Bloopers: Sean wants to help Juan find his thing.  Sean was shirtless boy.  Juan wants to be the dancing boy and now he is teaching Sean how to salsa…and tells him that this is cute.  Oh Juan.  You are adorable.