Bachelorette: Des Edition
THE FINALE
After last week’s disappointment, what will Des
do???? Cry. Cry a lot.
Des sits down with Chris Harrison to talk about
how she is doing. Chris Harrison looks
like a kid on Christmas morning. He is
smirking the entire time she is crying.
It’s like he can just see ratings skyrocket with each tear that she sheds. His sorry's are insincere. He tries to remind her of the two guys that
are left…who actually love her….and her face doesn't give a care. She feels bad because they have no idea of
her inner turmoil. She does smirk while
she talks about them. Harrison tries to
make her rally and says that she will perk up when she sees them. Essentially he is saying “please don’t
cancel, please don’t cancel…” Yet, the
heart wants what it can’t have. And it
can’t have a scraggly haired man named Brooks.
I guess the heart wants unrequited love.
The guys show up for a rose ceremony….or did they?
Des tells them that Brooks chose to go home
yesterday. She cries in front of them,
yet assures them that she will not let this affect her relationships with them. I call lies on that one. She says that this won’t break her
spirit. It did break her heart, but not
her spirit. ‘This is the part of her
that he’s never ever ever gonna take from her, no’ I bet she was blaring that
Katy Perry song before she came out to speak to them.
Des decides to take the guys out on one more date before meeting her parents.
Jake 2.0 goes on a horseback ride with Des down to
the beach...where she smashes his heart
into a million pieces. But he handles it
like a champ. While she is blubbering
and crying her apologies that she doesn't love him, Jake 2.0 is telling her to
not be sorry. You cannot control with
whom you fall in love. Apparently, ABC
actually found people with common sense this season and Des just keeps sending
them home.
Here’s my deal.
Des didn't picture herself with anyone but Brooks which is why she isn't feeling a spark or knowing what she feels about the other guys. This begs the question of why she didn't just
end the show early. They tape this WAY
before airing. She could have ended it
early and picked Brooks. She didn't have
to keep going. Chris Harrison routinely
reminds us that there are no rules.
Apply the no rule policy! Do whatever
the heck you want! Why the heck did you put
all of these guys through this if you only wanted to be with Brooks?!?!
Side note: apparently Des has decided to boycott real
clothes.
Des actually seems excited to see Chris.
His date has already passed the point where she
sent Jake 2.0 home. Apparently making out
with Chris makes Des more optimistic. I
think Jake 2.0 should have written her poetry.
Des says that she is feeling sparks with Chris now. So, you actually are giving him a true shot
now because Brooks is gone. I’m glad you
will be blissfully happy with your rebound.
Des and Chris spend a majority of their time swimming
and making out. At the end of the night,
Chris gives Des a journal with a personal note, a quote, and all of the poetry
he has written her. She then has a
talking head where she says that it is hard for her to feel this loved because she
is used to being the person who loves the other person more. So essentially that’s why she’s sent everyone
else who says that they love her home.
She was not out loving them. She
out-loved Brooks. That’s why she wanted
him! She loved more: which is her
comfort zone. EVERYONE! WE CRACKED THE
DES CODE!
Meet the Parents
Des’ brother immediately asks Chris all sorts of
hard questions. Including, how would you
handle it if she didn't pick you.
SHOCKER: her brother actually likes Chris. He says that if she chose him, she would be
making the right choice. However, he
also asks her if she was hurt when Brooks left.
Des naively thought that her brother would not mention the guy that she
was completely in love with the last time they talked. Why on earth would he leave that little gem alone?
Silly girl. Don’t you know your
brother at all? Des seems confused about
what she feels. ABC really wants us to
think that she’ll send Chris home too.
We watch an incredibly boring montage of Des and
Chris getting ready. Des says that she
is nervous because she needs to tell Chris about Brooks and she is scared that he
will leave her after that. Her face is
the one of someone who has resigned to their fate…of settling. Honestly, this girl is the worst with the faces. You should look happy at the prospect of getting
engaged! If you really love him, show it
on your mug!
Chris arrives and he tells her sweet things like
he doesn't want to make decisions for himself anymore, he wants to make
decisions with her for them. He said
some really great things. The type of things that are gorgeous, yet
somehow stay away from mushy. They were
heartfelt and sincere. Heck, I wanted to
take notes for any future beaus I might have.
He starts to get down on one knee, but Des stops him. His face is the face of woe. She tells him that he is the only one here
and the only one that met her family. He
looks pumped. She goes on to say that her
feelings for Brooks (woe face) blindsided her to the fact that what she always
needed was right in front of her (pumped face).
Nice spin. Let’s just see if that
holds up when after Chris has seen the episodes. He then asks her to marry him, and she says
yes.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Des and Chris Harrison sit down to talk about the
show. She shows off her ring. They give us the boring-est
conversation. Oh good. Brooks and Drew are here. This should get interesting. Des says that she is not nervous to see them
again. Lies. All kinds of lies. Chris Harrison asks her if she knows what she
is going to say to Brooks. She says that
she was so honest on the island so she was able to have closure. She does ask him what happened between
hometowns and flying to the island. He
says that he just asked himself where he was in the relationship. He said that his head was ahead of the
heart. Did anybody else enjoy that
wording? Cause I did. Des said that she doesn't regret how she
acted because she stayed true to herself.
‘She was true to her heart, she must be true to her heart. That’s when
the heavens will part!’ When Des tells
Brooks that she is engaged to Chris, she says it in the funniest way possible: “After
you left, things got really good!” Best
accidental dis ever. Brooks said that he wasn't surprised.
Jake 2.0 comes out and essentially says all the
right things and shows that he is not a dummy.
He will be fine. He could
probably pick up a list of numbers from women in the audience.
Chris comes out and Des looks super happy. But she keeps doing this weird thing where
she keeps smiling to Chris and then turning back to the camera, rolling her
eyes, and letting the smile slip from her features. They show the proposal video and they both
look happy to see it again. But Chris is
still way more into this than her.
However, she is actually moving to Seattle. Chris, naturally, reveals that he wrote Des
some more poetry. We call that they won’t
last. It’s because Des doesn't love more…she
is not the winner of loving more. Des
wants to have more lover for the other person, which actually makes her a loser
over all. So she wants to be a wizzor (a
winner of love, yet loser of love). Unfortunately,
in this case, Chris the poet is the wizzor.
JUAN PABLO IS THE NEXT
BACHELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL
WATCH ALL THE EPISODES. Heck. I might
even apply.
