Monday, August 5, 2013

Tears, A Final Rose, AND THE NEW BACHELOR!!!

Bachelorette: Des Edition

After last week’s disappointment, what will Des do????  Cry.  Cry a lot. 

Des sits down with Chris Harrison to talk about how she is doing.  Chris Harrison looks like a kid on Christmas morning.  He is smirking the entire time she is crying.  It’s like he can just see ratings skyrocket with each tear that she sheds.  His sorry's are insincere.   He tries to remind her of the two guys that are left…who actually love her….and her face doesn't give a care.  She feels bad because they have no idea of her inner turmoil.  She does smirk while she talks about them.  Harrison tries to make her rally and says that she will perk up when she sees them.  Essentially he is saying “please don’t cancel, please don’t cancel…”  Yet, the heart wants what it can’t have.  And it can’t have a scraggly haired man named Brooks.  I guess the heart wants unrequited love.

The guys show up for a rose ceremony….or did they?  

Des tells them that Brooks chose to go home yesterday.  She cries in front of them, yet assures them that she will not let this affect her relationships with them.  I call lies on that one.  She says that this won’t break her spirit.  It did break her heart, but not her spirit.  ‘This is the part of her that he’s never ever ever gonna take from her, no’ I bet she was blaring that Katy Perry song before she came out to speak to them. 

Des decides to take the guys out on one more date before meeting her parents.

Jake 2.0 goes on a horseback ride with Des down to the beach...where she smashes his heart into a million pieces.  But he handles it like a champ.  While she is blubbering and crying her apologies that she doesn't love him, Jake 2.0 is telling her to not be sorry.  You cannot control with whom you fall in love.  Apparently, ABC actually found people with common sense this season and Des just keeps sending them home. 

Here’s my deal.  Des didn't picture herself with anyone but Brooks which is why she isn't feeling a spark or knowing what she feels about the other guys.  This begs the question of why she didn't just end the show early.  They tape this WAY before airing.  She could have ended it early and picked Brooks.  She didn't have to keep going.  Chris Harrison routinely reminds us that there are no rules.  Apply the no rule policy!  Do whatever the heck you want!  Why the heck did you put all of these guys through this if you only wanted to be with Brooks?!?! 

Side note: apparently Des has decided to boycott real clothes. 

Des actually seems excited to see Chris.
His date has already passed the point where she sent Jake 2.0 home.  Apparently making out with Chris makes Des more optimistic.  I think Jake 2.0 should have written her poetry.  Des says that she is feeling sparks with Chris now.  So, you actually are giving him a true shot now because Brooks is gone.  I’m glad you will be blissfully happy with your rebound. 

Des and Chris spend a majority of their time swimming and making out.  At the end of the night, Chris gives Des a journal with a personal note, a quote, and all of the poetry he has written her.  She then has a talking head where she says that it is hard for her to feel this loved because she is used to being the person who loves the other person more.  So essentially that’s why she’s sent everyone else who says that they love her home.  She was not out loving them.  She out-loved Brooks.  That’s why she wanted him!  She loved more: which is her comfort zone.  EVERYONE! WE CRACKED THE DES CODE!

Meet the Parents

Des’ brother immediately asks Chris all sorts of hard questions.  Including, how would you handle it if she didn't pick you.  SHOCKER: her brother actually likes Chris.  He says that if she chose him, she would be making the right choice.  However, he also asks her if she was hurt when Brooks left.  Des naively thought that her brother would not mention the guy that she was completely in love with the last time they talked.  Why on earth would he leave that little gem alone?  Silly girl.  Don’t you know your brother at all?  Des seems confused about what she feels.  ABC really wants us to think that she’ll send Chris home too.

We watch an incredibly boring montage of Des and Chris getting ready.  Des says that she is nervous because she needs to tell Chris about Brooks and she is scared that he will leave her after that.  Her face is the one of someone who has resigned to their fate…of settling.  Honestly, this girl is the worst with the faces.  You should look happy at the prospect of getting engaged!  If you really love him, show it on your mug!

Chris arrives and he tells her sweet things like he doesn't want to make decisions for himself anymore, he wants to make decisions with her for them.  He said some really great things.  The type of things that are gorgeous, yet somehow stay away from mushy.  They were heartfelt and sincere.  Heck, I wanted to take notes for any future beaus I might have.  He starts to get down on one knee, but Des stops him.  His face is the face of woe.  She tells him that he is the only one here and the only one that met her family.  He looks pumped.  She goes on to say that her feelings for Brooks (woe face) blindsided her to the fact that what she always needed was right in front of her (pumped face).  Nice spin.  Let’s just see if that holds up when after Chris has seen the episodes.  He then asks her to marry him, and she says yes. 


Des and Chris Harrison sit down to talk about the show.  She shows off her ring.  They give us the boring-est conversation.  Oh good.  Brooks and Drew are here.  This should get interesting.  Des says that she is not nervous to see them again.  Lies.  All kinds of lies.  Chris Harrison asks her if she knows what she is going to say to Brooks.  She says that she was so honest on the island so she was able to have closure.  She does ask him what happened between hometowns and flying to the island.  He says that he just asked himself where he was in the relationship.  He said that his head was ahead of the heart.  Did anybody else enjoy that wording?  Cause I did.  Des said that she doesn't regret how she acted because she stayed true to herself.  ‘She was true to her heart, she must be true to her heart. That’s when the heavens will part!’  When Des tells Brooks that she is engaged to Chris, she says it in the funniest way possible: “After you left, things got really good!”  Best accidental dis ever.  Brooks said that he wasn't surprised. 

Jake 2.0 comes out and essentially says all the right things and shows that he is not a dummy.  He will be fine.  He could probably pick up a list of numbers from women in the audience.

Chris comes out and Des looks super happy.  But she keeps doing this weird thing where she keeps smiling to Chris and then turning back to the camera, rolling her eyes, and letting the smile slip from her features.  They show the proposal video and they both look happy to see it again.  But Chris is still way more into this than her.  However, she is actually moving to Seattle.  Chris, naturally, reveals that he wrote Des some more poetry.  We call that they won’t last.  It’s because Des doesn't love more…she is not the winner of loving more.  Des wants to have more lover for the other person, which actually makes her a loser over all.  So she wants to be a wizzor (a winner of love, yet loser of love).  Unfortunately, in this case, Chris the poet is the wizzor.

JUAN PABLO IS THE NEXT BACHELOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I WILL WATCH ALL THE EPISODES.  Heck. I might even apply.

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