Monday, July 29, 2013

A Week of Tears

Bachelorette: Des Edition Week 10

What better way to start a finale than to be sailing on a boat….alone.  I mean, that screams romance.  ABC shows us the most entertaining parts of Des’ dates…which usually includes her not being in the shot.  She says that she wants a love for a lifetime….and ABC immediately switches to showing clips of all of the awful people on the show.  The man with a girlfriend, the man who left, the man who made word pretzels for a living.  Interestingly, BENtley did not make that montage.  Then ABC shows all the people Des sent home—INCLUDING JUAN PABLO!  Despite all that she has been through, Des is excited to be here and for all that she has gone through.  This week is going to be “the next step” in her life.  Isn't any step also the next step in your life?

Des gives us a rundown on the three remaining guys:

Chris is “truly perfect” for her in so many ways.  Apparently mediocre poetry equals unparalleled romance.  He “has all these masculine qualities”….well he has muscles and lips…so yes?  He also was the first one to say that he loves Des. 
Jake 2.0 took this very seriously.  Who knew Ken dolls could show emotion.  He is very passionate and emotional….and by that Des means that he has good abs and great kisses.  I peg him as this seasons Arie. 
Brooks.  It’s like the one man who is not as emotionally invested in you is the one that you want.  Brooks is an emotional train wreck.  Des is soooo into him.  Des says that he doesn't have to say that he loves her for her to know.  But he really should.  This is a sign.  He is going to leave you.


Jake 2.0 is the first man up.

 Des says that Jake 2.0 is passionate and expressive…but goes on to describe his physical attributes: mainly his abs.  Des is talking about how great Jake 2.0 is, and yet her face is not part of this party.  She does not look happy.  They got some cool woven grass roses and a woven grass heart.  The man who made them kept chanting “Kiss! Kiss!”  It was awkward, but they obliged him.  She says that she can picture her life with him…but I wonder if it is the life that she wants, her face says no.  We come back from a commercial break to see Jake 2.0 and Des making out in the rain.  Due to the rain, they just go to the fantasy suite early.  Des gives Jake 2.0 the fantasy suite card and he says that he doesn't want to give up any time with her.  I’m not sure what they talked about during this section because 1) Des is boring beyond belief 2) I read the best tweet ever: “Brooks is Harvard, Drew is the cute liberal arts college close by, and Chris is the safety school.”  Well they are making out in a bedroom now, so I’m going to go with they are staying there tonight.  Jake 2.0 says that he is looking at his future wife…except he’s probably not.  Hahahaha.  Jake 2.0 asks the cameras to leave and they pan away from them, then back, and then away.  I think Mr. Cameraman didn't know which way was the exit. 

Brooks has gone to Boise to talk to his family about his feelings for Des.  

Brooks is having a hard time after the hometown dates.  The idea of proposing makes Brooks very uncomfortable.  He shies away from saying that he loves Des.  He wants to be farther down the road than this, yet…  
His sister says that if he doesn't lover her, he shouldn't propose.  Everyone, Applaud this woman!  She also says that he should know by now.  He realizes that a bad discussion now is better than a horrible one later.  He says that there are so many things that he loves about her, yet he cannot get down on a knee and say that he loves her and that he can propose.  It’s like Brooks is the first normal person on this show.  He actually is realizing that this is too dang fast. 

Chris the Poet

I don’t understand Des’ “jacket.”  It’s like they found a scarf and were just like…eh we’ll cut some holes in this for arms.  All those two are talking about is their chemistry.  Chris says that in hard times he will just hug her, kiss her and be there for her…so in hard times, you will just have chemistry.  I think it’s because they don’t’ know anything about each other.  Des says that there is an easiness with Chris.  Tonight she wants to talk about the future.  Chris asks Des how she feels about moving to Seattle.  She said that she would feel open to moving to Seattle…and he looks ecstatic...and she looks like she just found out that she’ll have to go back to the dentist.  I don’t know what they are saying anymore…I've been listening to the REALLY loud tree frogs in the background.  Des gives Chris the date card and Chris says that he wants to watch the stars with her.  No expectations, they just want to have fun.    I hope there is poetry.  OH LOOK, THERE IS!  Des also says that love is trusting the other person not to break your heart….is that really ALL that love is?  That’s like saying I love my couch because I trust it to not drop me to the floor. 

Des is on a balcony, looking out at the ocean

…and ABC is playing some cheery music as she gets ready.  We awkwardly watched her put her pants on over her bikini…this makes me think that the camera man is a perv.  Des is excited to see Brooks and make the most of it.  There is a knock at Brooks’ door.  Who is it?  CHRIS HARRISON.  This is about to get real.  Brooks is going to bear his heart to the cheap shrink of the show…who is wearing REALLY bright plaid this week.  “Plaid alert, plaid alert.  Better watch out he’ll take your shirt.  If you see him hit the dirt! Everybody, plaid alert!”  (This ditty is courtesy of Jungle Jam.  It just fits oh so well.)  The plaid man wants to know if Brooks just isn't sure or if he doesn't love her.  Brooks says that he doesn't think that Des is the love of his life.  Plaid man just wants to be sure that he really doesn't want to marry Des.  Plaid man is throwing low punches.  He asks Brooks if he is even ready to get married since his parents got divorced.  Rude.  Also, they should have given them sunglasses because they are squinting soooo much.  Brooks says he is ready to get married, but he doesn't want to marry her.  Plaid man is asking stupid questions tonight.  He asks Brooks how this is weighing on him.  HeavyIt’s weighing heavily on him, you igit.  His advice for Brooks, let her see how conflicted you are.  And with that, the plaid man departs. 

Brooks goes to meet Des. 

She is super giddy and happy as she sees him coming up.  He looks like a dead man walking.  He takes her to the dock and breaks her heart.  BUT he does it in THE SLOWEST WAY POSSIBLE.  Dude rip off that band-aid.  Rip it off.  Taking 5 years is bad.  Watching her poor face get devastated, then hopeful, and then devastated all over again.  I would also like to give that makeup artist a shout out.  That makeup is not budging!  It’s like industrial strength.  She starts to ugly cry and Brooks hugs her.  STOP IT.  Telling someone you don’t love them should not be followed by a hug.  After a while she tells him to stop hugging her.  She cries into her knees.  She says that she loves him, is he going home?  WHAT???? Would you seriously pick him even though he just said that he doesn't love you????  WHY???  What’s wrong with you??  Brooks’ talking head says that he is really surprised by the love she has for him and that he is questioning himself.  Do. Not. Take. It. Back.  You knew it earlier, remember it now.  You don’t love her.  Staying out of pity is bad.  It’s always bad.  It’s mean.  Stop it.  Dang it, he is totally going to come back next week.  She will probably even take him back.  Des said that she was conflicted on this journey because she didn't want to share her heart, she just wanted to give it to Brooks.  He says that he is sorry and that he’ll shut up.  Smartest thing that man has done all dayQuestion: if you really wanted to just give your heart to Brooks, why did you give BOTH of the other guys fantasy suite cards?
Also, her eye makeup is still PERFECT.  What brand is that?  Also, they keep hugging and you can hear their hearts beat.  Des tells Brooks that he can go.  He doesn't want to leave.  Because breaking someone’s heart and then watching the carnage is totally a normal desire.  Des hugs Brooks again and then he leaves.  She goes to the docks to cry her tears into the bay.  Brooks is pacing and weeping in the trees.  It is a very ugly man cry.  Pull yourself together man!  You knew this would be ugly.  Remember, better now than completely shattering her later.  He is crying that there was nothing he could say to make it better.  He says that it was way worse than he thought it was going to be.  Really??? Then you’re kind of dumb.  Of course YOU can’t make it better.  Of course it was going to be ugly.  Oh my gosh, you did this for a reason.  Remember that!

Des’ talking head says that for her this is over.  ABC shows a clip of her crying on the dock and then fades to black.

Next week: we will find out if Des will sent the other guys home. 

Also, the crew is full of jerk faces.  They only filmed her cry. They didn't even get the plaid man to console her and counsel her through this.  

Monday, July 22, 2013

Let's Hear It From The Boys

Week 9: Let’s Hear it From the Boys!

Here we are, it’s the men tell all.  After showing us a brief preview of what’s to come this night, they showed us a montage of the viewing parties that took place across the country….well at least in LA, New York City, and a party bus.  The best part is that JP and Ashley went around with Des in NY.  I think the people were more excited to see them than Des.  One woman practically attacked JP.  They also brought Jason & Molly and Trista, but no Ryan, to the viewing parties in NY.  After that, Des had a sit down with Emily, Ashley, and Ali to talk about how to handle bad boys.  I don’t even know why Ashley was there….she didn't say a word.  But Emily and Ali showed a lot of spunk and reminded me of why they were some of my favorites.  It was like Ali was trying to convince Des that it is okay to stick up for yourself and that it was okay to be upset with James.  She pretty much told Des that he had been manipulating her.  Emily had the best quip about BENtley.  She said that she would ask him how Hollywood was and if he got his girls and drinks.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison introduces the boys.  There is some cheering, massive amounts of booing because they placed BENtley and James next to each other, and screaming for Juan Pablo.  That man has got FANS.  Now there is the bad boy montage.  Hahaha.  They put some hard core rock music behind BENtley’s segment.    I bet the people who cut that gave each other high fives at the end because they packed that room with tension.   Right after the video, Chris Harrison addresses Jonathan, the man who tried to get the fantasy suite on the first night.  He said that he was sorry and glad that he didn't get booed by the audience.  Michael, wonderful, witty Michael quipped that nobody remembered him.  Yesss….you will deliver the great lines of the night.  I can feel it. 
Chris Harrison also keeps addressing Juan Pablo, as if ABC is trying to appease his legion of fans who hardly saw him during the season.  When he was introduced the room was deafening.  His first order of business, explaining why he didn't like BENtley…who was sitting one seat away.

BENtley takes the hot seat.

Chris Harrison says that everything started great.  And cue the video.  Best part of these videos is watching the little screen of the guys who are watching it too.  Michael got clapped on the back when he started attacking BENtley on the video.  The end of his video gets massive boos from the audience.  Chris Harrison asks him to explain what he had said in the limo.  He says that he was in a hard spot mentally because he had seen the man that she chose over him.  The guys still say that he acted one way in front of the cameras and another way when the cameras were off.  He says that he was different around Des cause she was a girl, and you are just different around girls.  One of the guys said that he was a bad dad.  BENtley just about exploded.  And the guys said that he was not as good as Juan Pablo…my favorite part is how they keep panning to Juan Pablo and the girls that are wearing Te Ammo Juan Pablo shirts. 

James is next in the hot seat and his face looks he is dreading this. 

His montage just started and he already looks in pain.  Best part of the montage is Chris the Poet just shushing loudly while James and Michael are arguing.  It’s like the white noise behind all of the swearing.  I don’t know what he thought it would do…it’s not like they would be like ‘guys! The poet is shushing us! We’d better stop.’  James is trying to defend himself, but he is kind of digging a bigger hole.  Honestly, I’m a little disappointed that he didn't make any fantastic word pretzels like he did when he was on the show.  He still didn't make sense, he just didn't do it in the same crazy fashion.  He should really look at the faces of the women in the audience cause they don’t like him At. All.  Chris Harrison points out that this was the biggest controversy of this season.  Chris turns to Mikey and asks, “What say you?”  Mikey kind of backs James up and tries to diffuse the situation….and then takes it back when Hashtag starts listing the reasons why he didn't trust James.  There is a shocked grandma in the audience that is a little worried about where she is right now.  Oh and look who Chris Harrison brought in to say the last word….Juan Pablo.  He wasn't even involved in this!

Chris Harrison calls up Juan Pablo, “the fan favorite that we barely got to know.” 

They made a baby montage video for him!  And it’s like watching the bonus footage from a DVD…because only a smidgen of it was actually aired on TV.  Chris asks him if it is really that hard for him to date because he now has a huge fan base.  Juan Pablo said that he is with his daughter all weekend and so it is hard to find time to date…buddy, I think any woman in that room would rearrange her schedule for you.

Shirtless Wonder takes the hot seat.

 Chris Harrison said that they would take a look at what went right…and the first shot of the video is of his abs.  Oh his face is so sad.  This is the worst.  It’s like ‘hey, you just had your heart broken on national television….you good to talk about it?  No, well let’s do it anyway.  BTW, you ex is here and you have to talk to them’

And it’s Des.

She talks to Jonathan about how he acted on the first night.  He apologized for making her uncomfortable, for being an idiot.  He even said that it was a good move for her to kick him off.  It was like he watched all the guys yell and James and he just decided to own it.  He took the Red Green Show’s motto to heart…he’s a man and he can change, if he has too, he guesses.  Des looks like she is trying to channel Ali and Emily as she confronts each of the bad boys.  She does a halfhearted attempt at quoting Emily’s quip about asking BENtley how Hollywood was.  She actually was semi confrontational with James and said that he straight up manipulated her.  He finally backs down, semi apologizes, and wishes her the best. 

Juan Pablo makes Des practice his name again…and finally says ‘its fine.’  Haha. He doesn't want her to try anymore.  She says that she still thinks that he is hot and that she got the most hate mail after sending him home.

SHIRTLESS WONDER IS SINGING A SONG!  WHY??? The line where you are sing that you are moving on?  No.  Singing a song to your ex is not you moving on.  Also, she tells him that she thinks that they were really similar.  She thought he hid behind his Sean told her she did.  What I glean from this is that she sent Shirtless Wonder home because Sean sent her home.  Essentially she found the boy version of her and repeated last season.  Awesome.

Bloopers were good, but short.

Sneak peak: it’s essentially the same as last week’s preview. Lot's of tears, some blue water, and people crying in cars?  Where are they going?  Does she pick no one?   Did she pull a Brad?!?!  It wouldn't surprise me...she seems to copy what others have done.  

Monday, July 15, 2013

Bachelorette Week 8: And It is Entertaining Again!


Shirtless Wonder...will there be majestic abs? 

Des starts off the home dates with Shirtless Wonder, yet he is wearing a shirt AND suit jacket.  He says that if you think he is crazy, just wait till you see his crazy family.  He tells her that he has something funny to show her but he starts telling her about this creepy dream where they melted into the sand.  I think this is really his dream from when he was on acid because nobody dreams crap like that without some kind of chemical aid.  Des says that she can’t even follow it, but she’ll go with it.  He scampers off to get something and just leaves Des in the park.  He comes back in the family snow cone truck.  Des says that it reminds her of her childhood…wasn't she homeless as a child?  Did they live in a truck full of tasty syrups?  Maybe they could afford snow cones back then?  Wait…He puts Des to work in the truck….her date is working for Shirtless Wonder.  Her date is earning his income….what??  Also, Shirtless Wonder comes out in this penguin suit to entertain the children.  We bet that he doesn't have a shirt on under there. 
Interestingly enough, Des did not bring a present like the Bachelor or Bachelorette usually does...Wow his family is ALL about the art.  Maybe he hired them to do his art last week.  That’s right. I still hold that he did not do those sketches in his memory sketch book. Hahaha.  Shirtless Wonder tells his family how he introduced himself to Des—shirtless.  His family looks mortified, especially his brother.  He also makes the declaration that he has been naked at least three times.  I thought his brother was going to spit out his food.  This makes me automatically like them.  His family is actually pretty fun.  His mother tells a cute story about how her mother told her that you know when you've found the right one because there will be a spark that stays with you forever.  Next, his sister takes Des aside to a bedroom that looks like it was coordinated to match the clothes that the two of them were wearing.  Shirtless Wonder plays the guitar while his brother and sister sing a song that he wrote about her and she looks like she isn't enjoying it at all.  Her face is in pain.  She says that it’s such a special moment, yet her face says “crap I should show emotion…maybe cry…yes…I’ll cry…from being so….touched”  After the one private concert that ABC did not pay for, Shirtless Wonder takes Des outside to show her a box that he’s been carrying that has a ring inside.  He then tells her he loves her.  Again, Des’ face is not good.  He’s probably going home.  His talking head is so hopeful.  Dude, you still have a 75% chance of losing. 

 On to Arizona and Jake 2.0!

Des skips up to Jake 2.0 while saying “You’re so cute! You look adorable!” Um, those are things you say to another girl.  He looks like a Ken doll… Des and Jake 2.0 chat and head out to pick up his sister.  Des is really sweet as she meets Melissa who has a severe disability.  They take her back to Jake 2.0’s parent’s house.  Haha. Jake 2.0’s dad toasts them to have a “happy journey.”  That is officially my new toast.  It’s so vague and awkward.  Des has a nice chat with Jake 2.0’s dad and he talks with his mom.  His dad says that their daughter Melissa is an angel who has taught them so much.  That is so precious!  Jake 2.0 pulls Des aside before she leaves to tell her that he loves her and that he wants her in his life.  Side note: the majority of the family was wearing pink…maybe it is in their family crest…

Baseball with the Poet

In the midst of a walk in the woods, Chris the Poet picks some weeds to give to Des.  I hope they are poisonous.  He says that he got her something. He made it himself!  Um, you can’t make flowers! You are not Mother Nature! He takes Des to a baseball diamond to practice hitting and pitching.  After they finish, Des sits down with Chris to show him some sketches she did of their time together…a la Shirtless Wonder from last week.  So not only is Des a parrot of opinions, she will parrot what the other guys have done to the man she is currently around.  Awesome.  Oh no! Chris the Poet thinks this is something just between the two of them! No, my creative sir, you sadly got the cheap imitation.  Huh.  Des actually cares what his family thinks of her…but not enough to bring a present….
At his parent’s house, Chris and Des reminisce about their first date. Also, their family color is navy.  I guess Des fell and got a kink in her back on their first date…so Chris’ dad offers to adjust Des’ back.  She looks super awkward, yet consents.    After he adjusts her, they chat a little about Chris.  Then Chris gets HIS NOSE ADJUSTED???? While talking to his dad.  Meanwhile Des is talking to Chris’ mom.  She is super monotone and breathy as she talks to Des.  However, as soon as she starts talking to Chris she has emotion in her voice and power behind it.  After Chris says that she is the one, she goes slightly monotone again.  All of the mothers so far have said that Des and their son are magical together?  How do you have chemistry with all of them?  Maybe it’s because you are a blank slate so they can imagine anything….It’s like Runaway Bride!  She mimics whatever they want her to be so they all love her!  That means we need to figure out which one is her Richard Gere. 

On to Mormon Town and Brooks!

Brooks looks nervous or sad all of the time.  Des understands how Brooks has been up and down this whole time because “it is hard to date someone while they date someone else.”  No kidding.  In fact, that is a deal breaker for all normal people.  Des tried to remind Brooks of all the good times they've had together.  She wrote a list of all of her favorite memories which seemed to make Brooks perk up.  They took a canoe ride and it took on water.  Brooks has a talking head where he looks like he’s crying again.  Yet, he’s saying things like it’s so great to spend time with her, but his face when they are apart is death!  She is like crack to him!  SHE IS HIS OWN PERSONAL BRAND OF HEROIN!  Oh no! This. Is. Twilight. DES BROUGHT A GIFT! This is the only hometown where she brought a present!  Hahaha.  The family members are wearing name tags!  That’s great.  Well done family members, well done.  Their family color is mint.  And we think they might be Mormon because there are a ton of people here and we don’t’ think there is any alcohol in that house.  Brooks’ brothers take him aside and ask him deep question so rapidly that he cannot answer them but only look worried and sullen.  Brooks also asks family members what makes their marriages so special.  Brooks needs to talk to his mother.  She says that it went well and that Des surprised her.  I’m not surprised.  Des seems to reflect whatever the mothers want to see.  BROOKS’ MOTHER JUST SAID HE WAS HER FAVORITE! You cannot say that on national television! 


Des is meeting with her brother Nate and she is nervous about this.  He points out that she didn't talk to him for a couple months after how he treated Sean.  She said she didn't talk to him because he messed things up for her.  AND HE SAYS THAT IT WAS JUST MEANT TO BE.  Haha!  Who says “yeah, I ruined your life because it was meant to be.”  He is pressing Des to say that ‘the one’ is here.  He’s not buying it.  Yet, he says that he has no qualms or concerns.  But his face says “I HAVE ALL THE QUALMS AND ALL THE CONCERNS.” 

Therapy Session with Chris Harrison

I love how the guys’ photos are always in frames with candles sprinkled around them.  It’s like a shrine to those who have gone before.  No—it’s a shrine to those whose dreams are about to be crushed.  Des and Chris are talking about how Brooks still hasn't said that he loves her, yet Chris the Poet said it.  Apparently Jake 2.0 was “very bold” when he told her he loves her.  Shirtless Wonder said he loved her and even gave her a “promise/hope ring.”  Des says that she sees a proposal at the end and she’s hopeful for it to be from Brooks.  Yet, after Chris’ hometown she was unsure that she wanted it to be Brooks.  We watch Chris Harrison walk the guys into the hotel as Des’ thoughts are dubbed over the shot.  And ABC does us a solid by creepily placing brother Nate in the wings and giving him some stellar horror movie music in the background. 

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison tells the guys how important this week has been.  Des tells them that she has been honored to meet their families, but with that said one of you must leave. 
Brooks gets the first rose but he still looks devastated. Chris gets the second rose.  Jake 2.0 gets the last rose.  CALLED IT!  Shirtless Wonder is going home.  I hope Des gives him his ring back.  She walks him out and says, “I don’t know if I should keep this because it was such a beautiful gesture.” Um no.  You do not keep the ring.  You split up with him, you give it back.  That is proper ring etiquette.  She hands him the ring and he shuffles to the limo.  Shirtless Wonder apparently puffs out his cheeks to keep from crying.  Is that a thing?  Everyone, try that next time you are going to cry and see if it stops your tear ducts.  Oh my goodness!  Shirtless Wonder chucked the ring out of the car!

Not gonna lie, I wish Nate would have cause some kind of drama.  Also, we think Brooks is going to break up with Des.  They kept cutting back and forth between Shirtless Wonder having an emotional breakdown to Brooks looking like he is going to be sick while Chris the Poet talks about ‘how hard this must be for Des.  She had such a connection and deep relationship with Shirtless Wonder, but now he’s gone…’ Yep.  He’s splitsville. 

Next week: the men tell all.  Tune in, it should be explosive.  We are hoping the guys will show up in their group hoodies…oh and sweat bands a la Michael. 

Bloopers: Des and Jake 2.0 played a bridal shower game with his family??? Best line: He looked like a pancake kind of guy.  Um, what?

Monday, July 8, 2013

Bachelorette Week 7...the most boring week of all

The Bachelorette: Des Edition Week 7

They arrive at Madeira Island on a pretty sweet boat.  “Everything about it sets the tone for romance.”  Oh give me a break.  Shirtless Wonder says that they are in a dream world…a hidden pearl in the Atlantic.  They were all surprised and awed by the fish…in the ocean….the fish…in the ocean!

Apparently the guys had to wear blues or purples and Michael is wearing the team hoodie.  Hometowns have also been dubbed “the elephant in the room.”  Again, ABC set the guys up in an amazing hotel.  Jake 2.0 said that if you can’t fall in love here you are probably dead…because it was built for love.

Des has some friends from last season come to give her some feedback on the guys that are left.  I’m actually surprised that she had Catherine come…oh all the guys are showing up at the pool.  The girls start looking at the guys through binoculars.  Des rates Jake 2.0 as the best kisser and best body.  Brooks gets best eyes and Shirtless Wonder gets the most adventurous. 

We are a little worried for how entertaining this show will be…it doesn’t bode well that they brought in the girls to spice things up.  They were not even that entertaining.  But how can you top the drama of the past couple of weeks? 

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, CHRIS HARRISON DID NOT COME TELL US STUPID THINGS!  This means that we won’t know what kind of dates are happening until the cards come…oh the intrigue!

One-on-One #1

Brooks is going on his second one-on-one.  They head off in a tiny smart car. Chris the Poet is mildly worried about the connection that Brooks and Des have. Brooks asks where they are going and Des said “I’m taking you on a trip.”  Wow.  Thanks Sherlock.  They stop at this cliff and gaze out at the ocean.  Brooks is excited and nervous for more alone time with Des.  Their car looks like a toy car compared to the other cars on the road.  They talk about making up words.  They need one that is in between ‘like’ and ‘love.’  Des said that this ride was ‘really cool’ kind of like the SNL Miley Cyrus sketch.  So far, their date has only been riding in a smart car….that can’t accelerate.  The camera car was losing them, on accident, while they drove up an incline.  Oh they finally stopped somewhere.  Books thought it would be a cool conversation to have if they would figure out their lives together.  To be honest, they are super boring.  I am having the hardest time keeping track of what is going on because I am so bored.  They are sitting on a rocky clearing.  They are getting surrounded by clouds.  They tell each other silly things like “I’m glad to be stuck in cloud nine with you.” Eck.  They are gross, yet repetitive.  Des remarks that we need to take our best dream, multiply it by ten, and then live in it and that is her life.  We think her dreams are sad if this is the best dream times ten.  Hahaha.  My sister said she thinks Des must dream of vacuums and goldfish.

Date card is here!  They don’t know what kind of date it is for.  Chris the Poet gets a one-on-one. 

Back with Des and Brooks, I am bored within 10 seconds of seeing their faces again.  What is Brooks’ sweater?  It’s like history teacher boring.  Des looks bored and Brooks looks weepy.  He is talking about how important her meeting his family is to him.  She echoes his statements…as usual.  Des has worked out some adjectives for them to use.  She came up with stepping, skipping, jogging, running, and finish line.  She said that she was running.  Brooks liked that but seemed surprised.  In his talking head, he is not as far on his emotional process as running.  Interesting.  This week, instead of a private concert, they get a fireworks show.  Des says that she loves fireworks and when she kisses Brooks she feels them.  I don’t think he is the same way….

One-on-One #2

Chris the Poet is really really really excited.  All of the guys watch them leave and yell down at them.   Brooks remarks that he is glad that Chris is not holding her hand….and Chris instantly grabs her hand. One of the guys joked that he is going to break that hand.  They are going boating.  Jake 2.0 is super jealous of this date.  On the boat, Des makes the most annoying “bwaaaaaaaaeeeeehhhh” noise EVER.  She also has no original opinions.  Chris deems this cool and Des parrots that thought two seconds later.  Des says that they have the physical part down.

Michael is going to get a one-on-one!  He is the only guy who hasn’t had one yet.  That means that Jake 2.0 and Shirtless Wonder will get the two-on-one.

Chris the Poet and Des stop at an Island to have a picnic.  Des asks Chris if the Chris she gets is the same that his friends get.  He says 100%.  She is “so glad” that this is the case.  I am so glad that we are just taking people’s word for this…there is no one else to back that up.  Chris is so glad that no one else will have these memories….except the camera men that are there filming them.  Des wants a man who is athletic, yet has a sensitive side.  Good job, you described the ideal man!  She says that she is glad that she can share this day with Chris.  They write a poem together to put as a message in a bottle.  Des says that she needs to put a cork in it…referring to the bottle, but it would be nice if she put one in her mouth too.  They threw it into the ocean.  I hope that it gets dashed on the rocks.  I still think he is going to win…thought so ever since he first read her some poetry.  Chris’ talking head says that if the timing is right, he will tell her that he loves her.  Whenever someone says that, they say it with or without the right timing.  Des wants to toast Chris for being wonderful and supportive.  She says that she is getting to know him and that it is growing.  Your knowing is growing??  Chris asks Des how big of a family she wants.  She wants a tight knit family…what does that mean?  That’s not a number.  Oh she says she doesn’t have a number on it…and immediately follows it up with the numbers 3 & 4.  Hahaha.  Chris starts getting fidgety and sweaty because he wants to tell her that he loves her and he is soooo nervous.  It’s adorable.  Chris reads her a poem he wrote to say that he loves her and garnishes a whole make-out session’s worth of kisses!  She said that he melted her heart…in a good way.  What other way is there? The majority of their date now consists of kissing.

One-on-One #3

Michael and Des are going to explore the town together.  Des would love Michael in her life.  She finds him loyal, trustworthy, and is sure that he has her back.  I guess getting BENtley thrown off and confronting James worked better for him that I thought it did.  Michael says that he is glad that he gets to treat her like his girlfriend.  They ride a toboggan down the hill.  Michael gives the obligatory reference to how the activity is like falling in love.  I am sad to see him make stupid comments like this.  I am the only one in our house who likes him…but I don’t like him for Des.  She is…not on the same intelligence level as him.  Des wants to see more vulnerability in him.  Let’s be honest.  She wants more poetry.  Michael talks about being raised by his mom, nana, and his pop after his father walked out on them.  Des comments that’s cute.  Um no.  Someone’s dad walking out on them is not cute.  Being raised by your grandparents because your dad is not around is not cute.  He tells her about a bad break up and says that he is thankful that Des came along because she makes him feel things that he thought he would never feel again.  If anyone else would have said this, they would have been making out by now.  However, Michael and Des are not kissing…at all.  They walk to an old lady screaming out this song.  It sounds awful. 


Jake 2.0 wants Des to meet his family and he really wants this rose.  This week, there have been no roses on the dates except for this one.  There are no eliminations on the dates, just the promise of hometowns.  Shirtless Wonder NEEDS Des to meet his family.  He also kept the date card!  Des is making the guys go cart race.  Whoever wins will get a surprise.  Hahaha.  My sister just said that the prize will be Des’ tongue…cause it’s always her tongue.  Shirtless Wonder wins the race. 

This episode is the worst one yet.  We think it is because there is no Juan Pablo.  Even though he got very little air time, there was always the hope of seeing him.  Now, it’s a snooze fest. 

Back on the date Des says that this feels like hanging out with two guy friends….with whom she’s romantically involved??  Des steals Shirtless Wonder away because he won the race.  Jake 2.0 says that this is torturous.  Shirtless Wonder and Des walk and sit down to chat.  He wants to recap and bring back all the memories.  He did some sketches to remind her of everything.  I think he hired someone to do these sketches for him.  These look way better than that horrendous sketch he drew of her on their artistic date.  He wins some kisses.  He also just looked right at the camera.  Shirtless Wonder is nice in that he won’t say “I love you” to Des on this date because he respects Jake 2.0. 

Jake 2.0 and Des head off to chat.  Des asks him if he ever lets himself go.  He says sure, she’ll see that.  He says that he can’t wait for her to meet his family and she is eating it up.  Jake 2.0 says that he’s fallen in love with her.  They make out.  Apparently he does not hold the same respect for Shirtless Wonder.  Des is going to give out the rose and she says that she knows that they are both ready to take her home to meet their families.  Des gives Jake 2.0 the rose.  Shirtless Wonder looks shocked as usual.  Shirtless Wonder says that he has tried so hard to meet a girl like Des.  He doesn’t know where he would find another….a bar….any bar. 

Rose Ceremony

The guys are all nervous as they pack their bags…except for Jake 2.0.  Des and Chris Harrison have a chat.  This is the first time we've seen Chris Harrison the entire episode.  This must be a long chat because there are still 20 minutes left in the episode.  Des gushes about Jake 2.0.  She says that he is the best looking guy she has ever met.  Chris Harrison points out that Des blushes, giggles, and smiles whenever she hears the name Brooks.  She is talking about how she has now hit the finish line with Brooks…BUT HE’S NOT THERE YET!!!! She points out that he hasn't said that he loves her yet.  She says that this show isn't over yet because she was falling in love with Chris too…and he already said that he loves her.  So….basically it is down to Shirtless Wonder and Michael because Des is totally keeping Chris and Brooks. 
Chris Harrison tells the guys that there are 3 roses left and wishes them the best.  Des says that this week has been wonderful and other annoying comments.  You are sending somebody home.  No amount of words will ease their pain. 

Brooks gets a rose.  Chris gets a rose.  Both not surprises.  We call Shirtless Wonder for the last rose.  And it goes to….Shirtless Wonder.  Called it!  Don’t worry Michael! You are better off without her.  I’m sure she would have started to annoy you like she annoys us. 

Des takes Michael away to tell him that it’s not him, he was special, and it was not anything he did.  He handles it really well.  He also made her totally regret her decision.  He said at least she sent him home now before he met her family because then it would have been way too difficult for him. 

Apparently next week Des’ brother is going to come to down and possibly ruin things for her.  That sounds exciting.  

Monday, July 1, 2013

Week Six: Des, Tears, and the Boy who FINALLY went Home

The Bachelorette: Des Edition Week 6

ABC wants you to know that this is an “EPIC-sode.” Barcelona is also “the perfect” place to fall in love.  Des is hopeful.  Des is kissing everyone.  James is angry and teary eyed, depending on the shot that you are watching. 

They show us shots of Barcelona with some really dance-y music.  This city is full of life and Des finds it very inspiring.  And like every other place they've been, Des finds it to be the perfect place to fall in love.  She says that she has crushes which gives her hope of falling completely.  She can’t wait.

ABC does some nice editing to show all the guys sending dirty looks at James.  There is still much talk about his not-so-secret conversation with Mikey last week.  He might be here for the wrong reasons.
Chris Harrison meets the boys outside of a bar.  They get the run down…again.  I wonder if they get as tired of this as we do.   Oh interesting! Des will not have cocktail party this week.  Jake 2.0 gets the first one-on-one.  “My time has finally come.”  That is Jake 2.0’s rallying cry for this date.  He says that he might address the James issue. 

One-on-One #1

Des and Jake 2.0 walk down the street and do some sight-seeing.   He said he could not stop thinking about her….and he was rewarded with a kiss and hand holding.   They drink from a fountain that is apparently a promise to return to Barcelona.  Jake 2.0 tells Des about his relationship with his recovered alcoholic father.  He hadn't told anyone this before.  Des, of course, is touched.  I wonder, did you mean to tell all of America too?  He goes on to say that his dad has cancer….and that nobody in his office knows…well they do now!!!  Des feels closer to Jake 2.0 since he shared his feelings with her…she “wants a man with depth.” And cue my eye rolls at that ridiculousness.  Yeah.  James screams depth.

They head to a private dinner in some kind of entirely bricked over room.  Jake 2.0 wants to steal her away….from the dinner table?  From the cameras? Yep. From the cameras.  But no worries, the at least 10 person camera crew tracked them down.  Des and Jake 2.0 made out in an ally.  Des said it was “in such an amazing way.  Sensual and Romantic.”  Um what?  I need to know this why?  Yeah, Jake 2.0 grabbing your butt is SUPER romantic.  In the words of my mother “gag me with a spoon.”  Des told him that he is so strong and sensitive and she gives him the rose.  Jake 2.0 is a genius! He waited to talk about James until after he got the rose.  Smart, smart man.  He even asked her if she wanted to hear this before he dropped names.  Alright, I’m on Jake 2.0’s team.  Des is pretty pissed.  Her talking head is ranting about the fact that she has told them to leave if they aren't here for the right reasons.  Um…no one there for fame would walk out of this opportunity.  If anything, the people that want you to succeed are the ones that leave.  They are the ones that have evaluated that this is not for them so they will step aside and let the bachelor/bachelorette find love.  Really, the bachelorette should cancel the show after somebody offers to leave and just chase after them. 

Brooks, Hashtag, Chris the Poet, James, Michael, and Juan Pablo get the group date.
Juan Pablo actually had a talking head!!!!

Jake 2.0 has a power huddle with his buddies and tells them about his talk with Des.  Michael seems to really like sweat bands….

Group Date

Des can’t wait to hug the guys and be with them.  Des says that her date with Jake 2.0 was great and that they shared a lot.  Either ABC didn't show it, or the only sharing was saliva.  Juan Pablo seems super excited for this group date.  Juan Pablo feels like he is at home.  Brooks even says that Juan Pablo is literally translated as “you have no chance and I am going after Desiree”  The guys are going to be playing soccer against Des and her team…which we are guessing is a professional team.  Juan Pablo swears, so I think he knows who they are.  All of the American guys think that they will totally beat the girls.  Juan Pablo says they will not be faster than him and he does some great victory posing.  ABC is finally delivering on the Juan Pablo footage.  James is an utter failure at blocking.  They should have picked someone else for goalie.  And all the guys eat their words.  Juan Pablo is a little worried now.  Juan Pablo and Brooks both call James a little girl because he let 10 goals to go past him.  All of the guys rightly blame him for losing the game.  

Hashtag is getting worked up in his talking head.  He has apparently been waiting to confront James.  Oh this should be good.  Not for Hashtag or James, but oh so good for ratings.  Des takes Chris away first.  Des tells him that he is kind of athletic.  Thanks for the update…he was a baseball player...they are generally athletic…  This week the tables have turned and Des wrote Chris some poetry.  He naturally rewards her with kisses.  We all think that this is very intimate and personal when you are dating so many of the other guys.  This isn't even the final two.  But I bet he makes it to the final two!

Michael is encouraging Hashtag to confront James.  They think that “if James is a man, he will own up and apologize.”  Here we go.  James looks stunned.  Hey! He borrowed Mikey’s dumbfounded face! 

Brooks and Des talk about how they are “emotionally involved.”  What does that mean?  If they are just saying that they like each other than that was a really awkward way to say it.  He is pleasantly surprised at their relationship.

 Aaaannndd Back to the guys confronting James.  His defense is “I didn't start the conversation”??? Really? James yells at Michael that he hasn't even been on a one-on-one date.  What does that have to do with anything?  We also want to know what happened to Michael’s finger.  Those two just yell back and forth at each other.  James calls Michael a confrontational dude.  Michael says James is auditioning for the Jersey Shore.  James also keeps eyeing the camera.  James turns into the Jersey Shore Hulk when he gets angry.  He yells things in nonsensical patterns seasoned with swears.  He might as well be saying “James.  Smash.”

Hashtag walks off to find Des and tell her about what he heard.  Des says it is disgusting.  She now goes off to find James.  Hashtag does the best little smirk.  Des then says that she is not giving out the date rose and walks all the guys out except James.  Either he is going home or he is going to get the rose.  

Des feels blindsided.  James comes over and lays down for this.  Oh now he’s sitting up.  He is whining and saying that he didn't say any of those things.  It was all Mikey.  The guys ganged up on him.  He is not here to be the Bachelor.  HE’S CRYING.  He’s pulling the girl move and crying!  Well, it does fit with his girly way of blocking goals.  She says that she trusts those guys and that she trusts him too.  She is going to take minute because he says he wants to be here.  She says that she needs to sleep on it.  So he’s not safe, but he’s not gone either…. James says that he is emotionally exhausted and robbed by these guys. 

Back at the house, the guys are filling Jake 2.0 and Shirtless Wonder in on the festivities of the night.  James is again crying in the car on his ride back.  The guys’ faces when James walks back in are priceless!  Shirtless Wonder looks like he is going to pee his pants! 

One-on-One #2

The next day James is sulking on the balcony.  Shirtless Wonder is worried that all this drama is going to carry over to his date.  Chris the Poet sends him off with luck.  Des was not feeling happy today.  What?  This would make you sad?  Confusion and unfinished business might tarnish your other date?  No.  That can’t be.  Shirtless Wonder has made distracting Des his goal.  They walk with around and end up in an art studio.  We should have seen this coming because Des was carrying her sketch book.  Shirtless Wonder says that he was creative, but he doesn't just sit down and sketch.  Des and Shirtless Wonder reveal their sketches and then decide to sketch each other.  His. Is. Awful.  At least he apologized in advance.  Des fell down because she was laughing so hard.  She said it was the worst thing she’d ever seen.  They brought in a male model…that was naked.  Shirtless Wonder’s face was great.  He looked horrified.  The model was doing a hilarious duck face.  Shirtless Wonder snuck off to change and he came in as a model in tighty whities.  Oh look, he found a way to be…shirtless. 

They have dinner in a wine cellar.  Shirtless Wonder is excited for this “I’m in a cave! With Des! And candlelight!”  Des likes how curious a person Shirtless Wonder is.  And they make out.  They did super slow kissing.  It looked like ABC put them in slow motion…but they didn't.  Des is telling him how she likes his outlook on life and his personality and offers him the rose.  After they took care of business, they made out some more.  As a recap, Shirtless Wonder listed the right reasons, which happen to also be the reasons why he is here.  Somebody paid attention in class with Soulja Boy!  Des’ talking head is questioning how this is so different from James’ motives.  She knows why Shirtless Wonder is here, but she doesn't know why James is here.

Back at the guys’ suite, James asks Jake 2.0 his perspective on the issue.  Jake 2.0 lays it out very rationally and calmly, while still pointing out what is wrong with it.  James starts yelling, which naturally draws Jake 2.0 into yelling.  THEN James tells Jake 2.0 to stop yelling.  I would just like to say: once a cheater, always a cheater.  Except this time, James is cheating with the wrong reasons.  James got Jake 2.0 so riled that he actually swore.  This is first. 

Michael lets Jake 2.0 know that James yells at everyone.  It’s not just you man, he treats everyone badly(…except the ladies).  Michael just called James “evil” and “sinister.”  James struts over in a button up shirt and nice jeans and plops down next to Michael…who scoots closer to Brooks.  Des comes and asks the guys if they are having fun.  They give the most half-hearted ‘yeaaahhh’ I have ever heard.  The guys are so sure that he is going home, which makes me think that he might not go.  Des’ talking head says that she will send him home.  Yet, there is so much time left in this episode.  James is wearing flip flops with his dressy outfit??? Why?? What’s wrong with you??? Did you get distracted by doing your hair? James admits to saying hurtful things and that he learned his lesson.  Des asks him what his intentions are.  I want to know what James’ job is…I hope it’s not sales because it’s not very good.  Oh hey, you can see the guys on the balcony behind them!  Des empathizes with James.  Des is in a tough spot.  She either trusts the guys and sends him home or she sends a message that she doesn't believe them and that she wants to be with James.  Period.  Either she is picking him overall or she sends him home.  He is selling himself so well…to her.  I think is a nasty piece of work.  James says he doesn't want all this drama to affect whether or not he gets the rose.  How else would this information work?  Even if you try to keep it separate, it will be on everyone’s mind.  Des does not send him home at this point.  He walks back in and the guys look like they are questioning everything.  Juan Pablo looks confused. 

The hotel room is super awkward.  I wonder if they tell them they can’t have supper if they leave the common area.  Chris the Poet asks James what they talked about.  James says that somebody out of this group will become the Bachelor…just like Des did.  Honey, she is a woman.  She became the Bachelorette.  He goes on to say, “I have a very great sense of self.”  He made everyone so mad in this group.  Chris the Poet actually entered the fray.  He raised his voice.  This drops the neutral parties down to 3: Juan Pablo, Brooks, and Shirtless Wonder.  James yelled that “If I’m more in tune with f-ing me than reality, you will have to respect that!”  Is it just me, or did he say that they have to respect that he is not in tune with reality.  I didn't cover more of this fight more because James uses so many words in such a short span of time and every single one of them is ridiculous.  His thoughts twist back around on themselves.  HE MAKES WORD PRETZELS!

Rose Ceremony

The guys are nervous.  Brooks is wearing brown shoes with a black suit.  No.  You fail the fashion portion of this evening.  Des says that she doesn't know what to do.  Yes you do. You just don’t want to do it.  Don’t lie to us.  The women of America will revolt!  

THREE PEOPLE WILL BE LEAVING!!!  Well, goodbye Michael.

Des gives the usual this-is-so-hard speech and I-made-the-best-decisions-I-could remarks.  Chris the Poet gets a rose.  Brooks gets a rose.  No way! She actually picked Michael.  I mean, I like him, but…this means Juan Pablo is going home.  No more Spanish roses! This means the women of America will be devastated.   

Juan Pablo says this is how life is.  He wants a family: he has a daughter but he also wants a wife.  Put your number on twitter.  The majority of America will respond.  Hashtag also goes home.  James is also going home.  He says that people will not know the whole truth…ever. 

The group will head to the Island of Medina next.  Helicopters, horses, canoes, making out on beaches, AND TEARS. 

Bloopers: Carlos the trainer is showing the guys and Des how to warm up.  There is this high feet dancing thing that is great.