Monday, July 29, 2013

A Week of Tears

Bachelorette: Des Edition Week 10

What better way to start a finale than to be sailing on a boat….alone.  I mean, that screams romance.  ABC shows us the most entertaining parts of Des’ dates…which usually includes her not being in the shot.  She says that she wants a love for a lifetime….and ABC immediately switches to showing clips of all of the awful people on the show.  The man with a girlfriend, the man who left, the man who made word pretzels for a living.  Interestingly, BENtley did not make that montage.  Then ABC shows all the people Des sent home—INCLUDING JUAN PABLO!  Despite all that she has been through, Des is excited to be here and for all that she has gone through.  This week is going to be “the next step” in her life.  Isn't any step also the next step in your life?

Des gives us a rundown on the three remaining guys:

Chris is “truly perfect” for her in so many ways.  Apparently mediocre poetry equals unparalleled romance.  He “has all these masculine qualities”….well he has muscles and lips…so yes?  He also was the first one to say that he loves Des. 
Jake 2.0 took this very seriously.  Who knew Ken dolls could show emotion.  He is very passionate and emotional….and by that Des means that he has good abs and great kisses.  I peg him as this seasons Arie. 
Brooks.  It’s like the one man who is not as emotionally invested in you is the one that you want.  Brooks is an emotional train wreck.  Des is soooo into him.  Des says that he doesn't have to say that he loves her for her to know.  But he really should.  This is a sign.  He is going to leave you.


Jake 2.0 is the first man up.

 Des says that Jake 2.0 is passionate and expressive…but goes on to describe his physical attributes: mainly his abs.  Des is talking about how great Jake 2.0 is, and yet her face is not part of this party.  She does not look happy.  They got some cool woven grass roses and a woven grass heart.  The man who made them kept chanting “Kiss! Kiss!”  It was awkward, but they obliged him.  She says that she can picture her life with him…but I wonder if it is the life that she wants, her face says no.  We come back from a commercial break to see Jake 2.0 and Des making out in the rain.  Due to the rain, they just go to the fantasy suite early.  Des gives Jake 2.0 the fantasy suite card and he says that he doesn't want to give up any time with her.  I’m not sure what they talked about during this section because 1) Des is boring beyond belief 2) I read the best tweet ever: “Brooks is Harvard, Drew is the cute liberal arts college close by, and Chris is the safety school.”  Well they are making out in a bedroom now, so I’m going to go with they are staying there tonight.  Jake 2.0 says that he is looking at his future wife…except he’s probably not.  Hahahaha.  Jake 2.0 asks the cameras to leave and they pan away from them, then back, and then away.  I think Mr. Cameraman didn't know which way was the exit. 

Brooks has gone to Boise to talk to his family about his feelings for Des.  

Brooks is having a hard time after the hometown dates.  The idea of proposing makes Brooks very uncomfortable.  He shies away from saying that he loves Des.  He wants to be farther down the road than this, yet…  
His sister says that if he doesn't lover her, he shouldn't propose.  Everyone, Applaud this woman!  She also says that he should know by now.  He realizes that a bad discussion now is better than a horrible one later.  He says that there are so many things that he loves about her, yet he cannot get down on a knee and say that he loves her and that he can propose.  It’s like Brooks is the first normal person on this show.  He actually is realizing that this is too dang fast. 

Chris the Poet

I don’t understand Des’ “jacket.”  It’s like they found a scarf and were just like…eh we’ll cut some holes in this for arms.  All those two are talking about is their chemistry.  Chris says that in hard times he will just hug her, kiss her and be there for her…so in hard times, you will just have chemistry.  I think it’s because they don’t’ know anything about each other.  Des says that there is an easiness with Chris.  Tonight she wants to talk about the future.  Chris asks Des how she feels about moving to Seattle.  She said that she would feel open to moving to Seattle…and he looks ecstatic...and she looks like she just found out that she’ll have to go back to the dentist.  I don’t know what they are saying anymore…I've been listening to the REALLY loud tree frogs in the background.  Des gives Chris the date card and Chris says that he wants to watch the stars with her.  No expectations, they just want to have fun.    I hope there is poetry.  OH LOOK, THERE IS!  Des also says that love is trusting the other person not to break your heart….is that really ALL that love is?  That’s like saying I love my couch because I trust it to not drop me to the floor. 

Des is on a balcony, looking out at the ocean

…and ABC is playing some cheery music as she gets ready.  We awkwardly watched her put her pants on over her bikini…this makes me think that the camera man is a perv.  Des is excited to see Brooks and make the most of it.  There is a knock at Brooks’ door.  Who is it?  CHRIS HARRISON.  This is about to get real.  Brooks is going to bear his heart to the cheap shrink of the show…who is wearing REALLY bright plaid this week.  “Plaid alert, plaid alert.  Better watch out he’ll take your shirt.  If you see him hit the dirt! Everybody, plaid alert!”  (This ditty is courtesy of Jungle Jam.  It just fits oh so well.)  The plaid man wants to know if Brooks just isn't sure or if he doesn't love her.  Brooks says that he doesn't think that Des is the love of his life.  Plaid man just wants to be sure that he really doesn't want to marry Des.  Plaid man is throwing low punches.  He asks Brooks if he is even ready to get married since his parents got divorced.  Rude.  Also, they should have given them sunglasses because they are squinting soooo much.  Brooks says he is ready to get married, but he doesn't want to marry her.  Plaid man is asking stupid questions tonight.  He asks Brooks how this is weighing on him.  HeavyIt’s weighing heavily on him, you igit.  His advice for Brooks, let her see how conflicted you are.  And with that, the plaid man departs. 

Brooks goes to meet Des. 

She is super giddy and happy as she sees him coming up.  He looks like a dead man walking.  He takes her to the dock and breaks her heart.  BUT he does it in THE SLOWEST WAY POSSIBLE.  Dude rip off that band-aid.  Rip it off.  Taking 5 years is bad.  Watching her poor face get devastated, then hopeful, and then devastated all over again.  I would also like to give that makeup artist a shout out.  That makeup is not budging!  It’s like industrial strength.  She starts to ugly cry and Brooks hugs her.  STOP IT.  Telling someone you don’t love them should not be followed by a hug.  After a while she tells him to stop hugging her.  She cries into her knees.  She says that she loves him, is he going home?  WHAT???? Would you seriously pick him even though he just said that he doesn't love you????  WHY???  What’s wrong with you??  Brooks’ talking head says that he is really surprised by the love she has for him and that he is questioning himself.  Do. Not. Take. It. Back.  You knew it earlier, remember it now.  You don’t love her.  Staying out of pity is bad.  It’s always bad.  It’s mean.  Stop it.  Dang it, he is totally going to come back next week.  She will probably even take him back.  Des said that she was conflicted on this journey because she didn't want to share her heart, she just wanted to give it to Brooks.  He says that he is sorry and that he’ll shut up.  Smartest thing that man has done all dayQuestion: if you really wanted to just give your heart to Brooks, why did you give BOTH of the other guys fantasy suite cards?
Also, her eye makeup is still PERFECT.  What brand is that?  Also, they keep hugging and you can hear their hearts beat.  Des tells Brooks that he can go.  He doesn't want to leave.  Because breaking someone’s heart and then watching the carnage is totally a normal desire.  Des hugs Brooks again and then he leaves.  She goes to the docks to cry her tears into the bay.  Brooks is pacing and weeping in the trees.  It is a very ugly man cry.  Pull yourself together man!  You knew this would be ugly.  Remember, better now than completely shattering her later.  He is crying that there was nothing he could say to make it better.  He says that it was way worse than he thought it was going to be.  Really??? Then you’re kind of dumb.  Of course YOU can’t make it better.  Of course it was going to be ugly.  Oh my gosh, you did this for a reason.  Remember that!

Des’ talking head says that for her this is over.  ABC shows a clip of her crying on the dock and then fades to black.

Next week: we will find out if Des will sent the other guys home. 

Also, the crew is full of jerk faces.  They only filmed her cry. They didn't even get the plaid man to console her and counsel her through this.  

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