Monday, January 27, 2014


Week 4 of Juan

The gang is in South Korea.  There will be jealous girls, catty girls, and tears galore.

Juan has to say goodbye to Camilla because we are starting the traveling portion of the show.  Chris Harrison comes into the room and counts the girls that are left…just in case one of them can’t count to 13.  The girls squeal at the prospect of grabbing their passports.  Sharleen freaked out more than the others at going to South Korea….which is surprising because she screamed when they said Gangnam style…I did not see an opera singer liking Korean pop. 

Clare is annoyingly peppy in the talking head.  I now wonder if I look as ridiculous as her when I clap…

In fact all the girls are doing little claps as they get off planes and trains.  This year they are showing some footage of the girls’ reactions to the traveling which is actually fun to watch.

Date Card! Nikky is worried about getting a one-on-one because she wants to get to know him better.  Meanwhile, ABC is showing Juan play carnival games by himself...which just looks sad.
Group date will be: Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki.  Needless to say, Nikki is displeased. 

Juan does this adorable little talking head about Korean Pop…which sounds hilarious when he says it...and like he has no idea what it is.  Apparently the girls are going to dance with Korean equivalent of the Spice Girls.  2ne1 is the biggest Korean Pop group.  They are learning the dance and Kat is showing off.  Kat’s confidence is starting to rub Nikki the wrong way. Nikki does the best talking head showing her outside face which is a sweet smile and her inside face which looks like grumpy cat.  2ne1 just invited the group to dance with them at their concert that night and Kat is on cloud nine.  Nikki, however, looks like her worst nightmare is about to come true.  Hahaha she just said she would do this for a school of the blind! I kinda like how she gets sassy when she’s upset. 

The girls get makeovers and go onstage.  Kat shows off.  Nikky looks like she is going pee her pants.  Overall, I think those concert goers just had the thought “stupid Americans” running through their heads.  At the night handout ABC did some masterful editing.  They juxtaposed Nikki talking behind people’s backs (mainly Kat’s back) and Kat having a heart to heart with Juan.  Oh good, I think the other girls are going to start mentioning that some people are not here for the ‘right reasons.’ 

HOLD UP PEOPLE! Nikki and Juan are talking and he asked her how she felt about Camilla! This is the first time he’s done that (as far as I know. Disclaimer: I didn’t watch last week).

Sharleen gets the next one-on-one.  Clare doesn’t think that Sharleen and Juan Pablo are right together. 

Juan takes Nikki and gives her the rose….and the girls about lose it! 

Sharleen’s date starts with a walk down in the local market.  They buy traditional dresses, food, and beverages.  Then they go to a tea house and talk for a bit.  Sharleen is very intelligent. I find it hard to believe that she would be content staying with him.  Juan Pablo is soft spoken and he listens.  This makes it hard to gage his intelligence level.  Sharleen sings for Juan and then they make out.  He asks her about kids and how many she wants.  She basically said that she has never thought about it and the last time she dated a guy with a kid she had a hard time with it.  Juan gave her the rose.  His talking head says that he knows that she must want kids because she is here and she would have known that he had a kid.  No son.  You just acted like a girl and heard what you wanted to hear.

Group date starts with karaoke.  Then they do many other things including having the fish eat the dead skin off of their feet (which I have always wanted to do!! It looks so crazy and ticklish and weird and fun!)  Clare is super territorial which is really fun to watch because it will drive people mad…including Clare.  Juan has promised himself that he won’t kiss anyone tonight because he doesn’t want to kiss all the girls.  Lauren S. asked for a kiss in Spanish and he said no and gave his reason why.  However, the fact that he has kissed girls in the past sent this girl over the edge.  Tears.  So many tears.  Pretty sure her chances were just shot to heck.  Juan went to go talk to her.  Apparently, Clare instigated a no kissing policy with them.  Juan likes it….yet…..he kisses Clare anyway. Andi got the rose from the group date…as she should cause she is normal and not emotionally unstable. 

Cocktail Party

Nikki is committing a mortal sin – she went to talk to Juan Pablo even though she has a rose.  Oh good, Juan asks her about drama in the house.  She seems a little thrown.  Afterwards, she confides in Kelly, who is the best at just being present for the drama.  Nikki assumes that Clare said something to Juan because she talked to Juan right before Nikki.  She implies this when Clare comes over.  I am so glad that the two sparks in the house are confrontational.  This should lead to some awesome fires. 

Rose Ceremony

Juan compliments the peeps (as all of the chosen ones do).  And the roses go to: Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Allison, Clare, (Chris Harrison making sure America can count to one), and Kat.

Elise is ready to have a family unlike some of the other girls in there.  And cue the ugly crying.  Lauren S. is also going home…which I called right after the kiss incident.  Cue the ugly crying and self-pity. 

Next week: the girls are going to VIETNAM!!! Also, Clare is going to drive the other girls nuts! Looks like Clare is going to take something too far.  

Monday, January 13, 2014

Juanuary Dos Semanas

One-on-One #1

Clare the hairstylist is going on the first date with Juan Pablo.  Uh-oh.  She’s hopeful.  The odds are not in your favor… she doesn’t do online dating nor does she go to bars…and yet she thinks this is going to work…
Juan Pablo picks her up and puts a blindfold on her so that she doesn’t know where they are going.  The girls think he is precious for doing that.  Hmmm Clare being blindfolded means that she has to rely on her other senses…and she is only using her nose.  She literally just called Juan Pablo “Heaven in a Bottle.”  He should use that as the name of his first fragrance.  Juan Pablo took Clare to a winter wonderland.  There is snow in the middle of LA.  He is really sweet.

Back at the house—the girls are talking about how nice Clare is…but Lucy is hanging out in the pool…literally.  She is in the pool topless.  Looks like our hippy girl is free with her body….

Clare is spouting nonsense.  That’s cool.  I don’t mind wasting my time listening to you talking about how you are ready for love and your heart is ready for this…except that I do. 

Date Card! Kat gets the next one-on-one date.  Hahaha the number of duck faces that are shown after Kat gets the card is priceless!

Clare is very distracted by Juan Pablo’s abs. Yet, she holds it together enough to tell him about her dad.  Wait…she was the girl with the letter from her dad wasn’t she… yep. She totally was.  Juan, as all of the bachelor or bachelorettes, is glad that the contestants are opening up.  Juan, not surprisingly, gives Clare the rose.  My guess is that she’s making it pretty far because she’s blond and the previews showed lots of blonds and there were not that many blonds at the end of last week. Oh good.  Guys! The private concerts are still going to be used way too frequently! Somehow, ABC made it snow. Clare is completely enchanted.  She hopes that this is the tip of the iceberg and I can’t help but wonder if she is riding the Titanic.

GUYS I JUST FOUND THE BEST THING EVER!!!!! ABC changes the pictures when girls get kicked off! Check it out!

One-on-One #2

Juan Pablo is taking Kat somewhere ridiculous.  They are at an airport.  On the plane Juan Pablo has them change into some ridiculous florescent outfits that have lights on them.  I think they are at a glow run or a rave.  Oh it’s called the electric run.  Are they actually running the whole thing?  It’s a dance/run 5K.  Interesting.  No. they are not running the whole thing.  It looks like they are walking and then dancing.  On stage, Juan Pablo gives Kat the rose.

Date card! Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Lucy get the group date. This leaves Sharleen (our in house opera singer), Amy L, and Danielle without a date this week.

Group Date

All the girls talk about is how hot Juan Pablo is.  I guess that’s all they know about him, that’s all America knew about him, yet it got him the gig.  Ah, it’s the classic photo shoot and/or movie ploy.  The creative director is sporting a blue beard…  Chantel is having problems with guessing what is behind the door.  THERE ARE DOGS!  Hahaha! Lucy’s biggest fear today is a dog peeing on her shoes because she borrowed them…cause hippies don’t need shoes!  Best. Fear. Ever. So the girls are going to do a sexy photo shoot with dogs to raise money for them.  Oh good, they put Lucy in a fire hydrant.  Awesome.  Nikki is getting bonus points with Juan for taking care of her dog. Andi and Elise are given the unlucky tasks of only wearing a cardboard sign.  They should walk.  They should revolt.  I want to punch that blue bearded man in the face for them.  Elise is smart enough to ask Lucy to switch with her.  Lucy is more than happy to do that….and she is walking down the street naked with her dog.  I wonder what Andi will do.  Cassandra was very classy and Juan seems to like the classy.  Renee was also very classy.  Seriously?!?  Andi is saying that she is going to do this because it’s for a good cause.  Seriously?!?!?! It’s for dogs!  Why should you have to be naked to help dogs? That is highly illogical.  Tell them heck no! Juan Pablo came over and said he was going to do it with her so now its magically fine.  Give me a break!  This is stupid.  One of the girls said that if a dog gets adopted because of this shoot, it would be worth it because they saved a life.  No.  Just no.  You should not have to be naked to get a dog adopted.  These girls are officially idiots. 

After the photo shoot, the girls head to a rooftop to hang out with Juan Pablo.  Victoria already looks crazy.  Previews make it look like she is going to go crazy.  Cassandra is going to tell Juan about her son tonight. Juan takes it really well.  Of course he would be excited.  He’s single parent too.  Sometimes the girls freak out over the strangest of things.  Renee really wants her first kiss with Juan Pablo. She is doing an adorable thing with her son—they are each writing journals to each other while they are apart and they will trade when they are back together.  Ew. She points out that Juan didn’t kiss her.  Hahaha.  And he still doesn’t.  That’s the best!

Ah, the cut-ins are happening now.  There is nothing more delightfully awkward about this show the girls stealing Juan Pablo away from eachother….and Victoria is already drunk.  Awesome.  One of the girls is talking to her about how she is drunk.  Her response is “No! This is me sober! I am fun sober.”  That’s the best.  She is totally falling apart. 

Juan Pablo hones in on Nikki.  She takes care of kids and he seems very attracted to that.  He asks her how she got away from work (pediatric nurse) and she said they gave her a leave of absence. 

Oh my gosh.  Victoria is soooooo drunk.  Wasted.  Wasted is a good wood for her.  The Andi doesn’t want her to see him because she is completely out of it.  Kelly is excited that she is going crazy.  Oh no.  Victoria is interrupting Juan and Nikki.  Juan is sad and he asks Kelli if Victoria has been drinking.  Victoria runs off to the bathroom and Renee finds her crying in the bathroom.  Renee does her best to comfort her, but Victoria is hysterical.  She just swears and says she is going home.  She gets into a verbal altercation with a producer because she wants to leave and he says that for her safety he has to get her a flight and a cab and that she can’t just leave.  She ends up running back to the bathroom. 

SIDENOTE: the commercials tonight think I want a hamburger and I need lotion for dry skin.  That’s it.  Those are the most popular commercials.  I find that very strange. 

Lucy goes to find Juan Pablo to tell him that Victoria is losing it.  She wanted to give him the option to address this.  He finds her in the bathroom.  He asks her to talk to him for a second.  She just cries and says ‘no!’  And then he just stands there for a minute and says that he will wait for her outside.  He is disappointed.  He says he will not judge her and then he talks to the girls about how this is a hard situation.  He wants to make sure that the other girls had a good time.  Kelly got the rose.  Ew. I forgot that she has the job of “dog lover.”  WHICH IS NOT A JOB.  She is the girl that literally just transformed into the dog.  I don’t think she should have gotten it.  Andi should have.  Girl got stark naked. 

Juan asks the girls to get Victoria home safely so that he can talk to her in the morning.  (note that he did not wait for her like he said he would)  The girls think that is sooo great! He is suuuuuch a gentleman! (cue hair twirling).  What do you bet that they leave her there.  Yep.  Victoria stayed at a hotel.  Juan Pablo went to find her. Victoria apologizes for “setting of the crazy train.”  She is describing herself and she sounds bipolar.  She says that when she’s mad, she’s really mad, and when she’s happy, she’s really happy.  Kelly is relishing this a little too much back at the house.  Juan accepts all of Victoria’s apologies and sends her home.  Good move on his part. 
Hahahaha! They just aired the most ridiculous commercial with Juan Pablo and yellow M&M.  What did I just see?  That was super corny. 

Cocktail party

Cassandra is nervous about what Juan Pablo is thinking.  Previews make it look like she might go home…which means that she probably won’t.  Juan talks to the girls about how he sent Victoria home.  He then asks one of the girls that he hadn’t talked to yet, Amy, to come for some one-on-one time.  She brushed up on her interviewing skills on him…which was very weird.  She sounded like a sports reporter.  Juan then finds Sharleen, our classy opera singer.  He is shocked that she is intimidated by talking to him.  Oh good.  The girls are over analyzing things already.  Even Clare is freaking out…and she has a rose!  Cassandra is super confused and cries while looking at photos of her son.  She finds Renee who apparently is the resident therapist for all the girls.  Impressive skills for a real estate agent…but that probably comes more from the fact that she is a mom.  Juan and Cassandra sit down to talk about her insecurities.  He does tell Cassandra that if he ever doesn’t see anything that he will tell her right away since she has a kid back home. 


Chris Harrison tells us what we already know.
Kelly, Kat, and Clare already have roses.
Cassandra gets the first rose.  Sooo obviously it’s worth staying.
Nikki gets the next rose.  Andi, Elise (whose hair looked AWFUL in the back), Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alli, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christy get roses.  That means that Chantel and Amy go home.  Amy says that she is still ready for love.  Chantel is more shocked than anything. 


Kisses! Tears! Juan Pablo speaking gibberish! Oh good-there is going to be massive amounts of breakdowns.  Dang it! The Opera singer looks trashy.  

Monday, January 6, 2014

Juan's Opening Act

That's right Bachelor fans, he's back--and this time with his own show!

It’s Juanuary!

The bachelor franchise has promised us the most exciting season yet! (as always...) And they just might deliver with their superbly picked Juan Pablo.  This may be the most voted for bachelor since the inception of the show.  The majority of American women screamed for his season. 

This season: Juan is happy! He’s ready for love! ... And is apparently making out with everyone.  But wait! There’s more! --there are tears.  Because, what would this show be without tears?

ABC decided to introduce us to Juan Pablo and his lovely abs by showing him at his photo shoot.  The first thing I noticed was that he had purple socks.  He is the most precious when he is talking about his daughter and how she will always be his valentine.  And at this point I almost stopped listening...because the intros are boring.  Always boring. I want to see a breakdown.

Juan is excited to be the first bachelor that speaks the language of love.  This is when I gagged.  We also have the obligatory speech about love and how he is going to propose when he wants to get married for life. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that if you get married it should be for forever.  Not because the infatuation will last that long, but because it is a commitment.  You work at marriage.  It’s about finding someone you are willing to love and serve, not the other way around.  That, however, is not the purpose of this show.  But back to the show...

Juan is surprised by Sean....or is he?..  Hahaha.  Juan is worried about keeping track of names.  That is valid.  There are some close names this season and a ton of brunettes.  Also, Sean is telling Juan to only kiss in secret cause the girls will get jealous.  Duh.  Sean should not have had to learn this the hard way. Ten bucks says that Juan doesn't listen.

Jaun is getting ready and has not one, not two, but three black ties laying on his bed….and he’s already wearing one!  Why so many black ties?  Do they feel different?

Heeyyy it’s Chris Harrison.  He is telling us about how Juan Pablo was the biggest fan favorite of all time.  I wonder if he will get more air time this year. 

We get to meet a couple of the girls.  I have a love/hate relationship with these videos.  

Chelsie is very excited to meet Juan Pablo.  She is learning phrases in Spanish.  She sounds and looks ridiculous.  Renee is a single mom.  Andi is a lawyer.  She looks foreboding.  Oh but she could be trouble…she is not okay with Juan Pablo dating 24 other girls.  You have to be okay with this or you will ruin your life!! Yet, you could make for good TV...ABC has done well with this pick.  Amy J is terrifying.  Oh no, she is going to be one of the crazy ones.  She keeps saying horribly awkward things.  She is a massage therapist.  Nikki is a pediatric nurse and I now have faith that there are going to be smart people on this show!  I like her a lot…she is one of my front runners, but I want better for you than the bachelor!  Lauren has baggage.  Like elephant size baggage.  And at this point, I started talking to one of the other girls in the room and missed a couple of girls.  Now Lacy is on the screen.  She seems nice, yet somehow I don’t like her.  Clare is our token daddy issues girl.  She was super close with her father, who passed away from brain cancer.  This is not going to end well.  Fans will probably love her, but that is some heavy stuff to be broadcasting on television.  

Chris Harrison is welcoming Juan Pablo back to the mansion and the girls start arriving.

Limo number 1:
 Amy L. is the first girl to meet Juan Pablo.  She is sweet.  There is a very pretty girl named Cassandra, but there was the most awkward of pauses.  ABC even added crickets for those of us at home.  Christy has a weird headband on and she is really in love with bottle blond hair.  Christine is the next one out of the car.  She is in a gorgeous emerald dress.  She brought a gift for the daughter which was genius! Nikki is here! Her dress is not stellar, but I like her so much.  She brought a stethoscope so that he could hear her heart beat quickly. 

Limo number 2:
Kat? Gonna be honest, I didn't catch her name...and I don't remember what she did. Oopsie!
Chantel is teaching Juan Pablo how to say her name and then she pronounces his perfectly.  Victoria is in a horrible dress.  She looks like she is wearing cheese.  She knows Portuguese and they are going to help each other with languages.  Lucy’s job is being a free spirit!  That’s her freaking job! That's not real! Not a real thing!  She’s not wearing shoes! What?!?!?! Danielle is pretty and I really like her hair.  Oh good! We have a crazy entrance.  Lauren S. is a music composer who wheeled a piano up the drive way and played for him.  Juan started to come help and when she said she had it he replied “I’ll wait for you!” and scurried back to his place.  Super cute.  Juan Pablo even went back in for her name…she’s not the only one to not give a name, but this is the only one he’s gone back in for. 

Limo number 3:
Chelsie is a teacher.  She is going to do an experiment for him…no she is making a corny chemistry joke.  Valerie wore boots so that he would know that she is country.  Elise is nice and is in a super sparkly dress.  Ashley is shining bright like a diamond.  She is giving him a gold star so he can shine too...  Oh and they cut to commercial when there might be a pregnant girl getting out of the car.  But I bet it’s a soccer ball or a pillow.  It’s Clare.  The baby is fake.  And it is a stupid ploy.  I don’t like you Clare.  Alli comes out with a soccer ball and now Juan is thoroughly intrigued.  Crazy Amy J is here!  She’s in a metallic thing.  Renee is connecting with Juan over single parenthood.  Lauren H has too much affection for scrunching her face.  Maggie is from the south and she brought Juan a fishing hook.  She is hoping that he is he catch that she has been waiting for (Cue eye roll from me).  There is a dog?  Kelly has dog lover as her occupation.  That is not an occupation.  She should sit on a bench with free spirit girl. 

Limo number 4:
Lacy has a dress with an Angelina Jolie size slit.  She gives Juan a red hot prescription…literally red hots in a prescription bottle...  Soooo we have a potential drug dealer.  Awesome.  Alexis gets Juan’s seal of approval for cuteness.  Kylie is a red head wearing pink (who let her do that?!?)….hahahah she totally walked off before he was done talking.  That’s fantastic.  WE HAVE AN OPERA SINGER!!  This means we have class! Sharleen came all the way from Germany.  I have hopes for her.   Andi tells him that he can’t be bad at her name because he asked twice.  Hahaha. I like that. 

Juan is tired of talking to Chris, but first he must hear about the first impression rose.  Chris sends him off with “The house is yours!”  Juan tries to get the girls to relax because he wants to get to know the real them.  He’s cute because he’s awkward.  He says that he feels like a meat that they want to eat right there.  That’s great.  His talking heads should be good.  Juan Pablo turned on some music to keep them from staring at him.  THEY HAVE A PHOTO BOOTH!  I want a photo booth. 

Juan and Nikki have some alone time.  Hahaha—he remembers her by saying Nikki the Nurse.  She seems to understand the show.  I like her but she seems really giggly.

Renee is talking with Juan Pablo about being parents.  Oh. My. Gosh. She just equated him getting pregnant with making a goal…ew.  Just. Ew.  Why did we go there?  Why?  That was not necessary.

Free Spirit is back! She literally has a flower headband. 
Amy J is seriously stalker material.  He was willing to get on the massage table, but he looks really awkward as she tries to give him a massage and is removing articles of his clothing.  SHE IS TOUCHING HIS BUTT.  She makes the most disturbing noises.  Juan Pablo’s talking head is the best.  He just awkwardly looked at the camera and said that she is nice but the massage was a little awkward.  Oh honey, that massage is the capital building of awkward town. 

Everyone is freaking out about the first impression rose.  No one has sanity left.  Oh good, they are taking role to see who has not gotten time with Juan yet.  "It is not just a rose!"  Maggie is serious! This is her life.  
Chelsie actually asked Juan if he remembers her name.  He looks at her and just goes “”  Kudos to him for just admitting that.  
Elise gets some time and I am looking closely at her dress for the first time…it looks like she glued costume jewelry to her chest.  They are massive crystals. 

The girls are freaking out about getting time with Juan.  Oh good,  I think Lauren H is on the fast track to tears.  We might get the first breakdown earlier than anticipated...Aaaaaannnnd Here they are!  Elephant size baggage comes with a side of tears.  She is obviously not ready for this.  Honey you need to go home.  1) you can’t handle rejection right now 2) this show is BUILT on rejection 3) The chances of you finding a lasting relationship on this show are not in your favor.  Ashley took her aside and is trying to calm her down.  She is pretty much treating her like one of her students.  Wait…did Ashely just go find Juan Pablo for Lauren H?? Cause he just appeared out of nowhere.  Juan just sits there while she emotionally vomits her whole story on him.  What is he supposed to say after that?  ABC cuts it so that we can’t see.  Boo ABC. 

They then go to a montage of girls.  Juan says that the girls have been nice and great.  By the music, ABC wants us to feel the physical connection between Andi and Juan...they are playing Latin music.  THE OPERA SINGER IS BACK!! She is also the only one that didn’t try to learn Spanish! She is classy!  Hahaha she just said wiener.  ABC wants us to know that there could be a romantic connection here...there mood music has changed...Juan goes to get the first impression rose.  She hesitated sooo much before accepting the rose.  She is actually is paying attention to what she thinks about him and not just to what he thinks of her.  New favorite.  She is classy, she has brains, AND she is using common sense. 


Sharleen already has the first impression rose.
Juan tells the girls that they all look fantastic.  He says that he is making his decisions based on his life and his daughter.
Clare, Nikki the Nurse, Renee (hot mama), Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S (piano man), Kelly (and her dog), Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie, Kat, Victoria (or cheese dress), Christy, Lucy, Elise, and Amy L get roses.

That leaves Maggie, Alexis, Kylie, Amy J, Lacy, Ashley, Christine, Valerie and Lauren H rose-less and bound for home.The girls that did not get roses say their goodbyes and leave.  Crazy pants Amy J gives us the quote of the night! The message therapist literally said, “Sometimes people don’t always feel you the way you feel them.”  Best quote ever!  Oooh…Kylie is crying as she goes home probably more from embarrassment than anything else.  The girl thought her name was called but it was not.  Lauren H was sent home.  She is still crying from earlier in the night.  I get that pitying looks from people would be tough, but you should have known better than to go on this show…especially after your recent breakup.


Unforgettable adventures, fireworks (naturally!!), and platitudes about Juan Pablo.  Water! Islands!  Kissing! AND TEARS!  Hahaha and Juan disregards Sean’s advice and kisses somebody where other girls can see him.  Can I get my ten bucks now? Oh good, there will be plenty of cat fights too.  I haven’t seen anything with the opera singer and that makes me sad.  Where is she? I liked her.  Oh here she is.  I bet she goes home.  She has too much class for this.  

Bloopers: Sean wants to help Juan find his thing.  Sean was shirtless boy.  Juan wants to be the dancing boy and now he is teaching Sean how to salsa…and tells him that this is cute.  Oh Juan.  You are adorable.