Monday, January 6, 2014

Juan's Opening Act

That's right Bachelor fans, he's back--and this time with his own show!

It’s Juanuary!

The bachelor franchise has promised us the most exciting season yet! (as always...) And they just might deliver with their superbly picked Juan Pablo.  This may be the most voted for bachelor since the inception of the show.  The majority of American women screamed for his season. 

This season: Juan is happy! He’s ready for love! ... And is apparently making out with everyone.  But wait! There’s more! --there are tears.  Because, what would this show be without tears?

ABC decided to introduce us to Juan Pablo and his lovely abs by showing him at his photo shoot.  The first thing I noticed was that he had purple socks.  He is the most precious when he is talking about his daughter and how she will always be his valentine.  And at this point I almost stopped listening...because the intros are boring.  Always boring. I want to see a breakdown.

Juan is excited to be the first bachelor that speaks the language of love.  This is when I gagged.  We also have the obligatory speech about love and how he is going to propose when he wants to get married for life. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that if you get married it should be for forever.  Not because the infatuation will last that long, but because it is a commitment.  You work at marriage.  It’s about finding someone you are willing to love and serve, not the other way around.  That, however, is not the purpose of this show.  But back to the show...

Juan is surprised by Sean....or is he?..  Hahaha.  Juan is worried about keeping track of names.  That is valid.  There are some close names this season and a ton of brunettes.  Also, Sean is telling Juan to only kiss in secret cause the girls will get jealous.  Duh.  Sean should not have had to learn this the hard way. Ten bucks says that Juan doesn't listen.

Jaun is getting ready and has not one, not two, but three black ties laying on his bed….and he’s already wearing one!  Why so many black ties?  Do they feel different?

Heeyyy it’s Chris Harrison.  He is telling us about how Juan Pablo was the biggest fan favorite of all time.  I wonder if he will get more air time this year. 

We get to meet a couple of the girls.  I have a love/hate relationship with these videos.  

Chelsie is very excited to meet Juan Pablo.  She is learning phrases in Spanish.  She sounds and looks ridiculous.  Renee is a single mom.  Andi is a lawyer.  She looks foreboding.  Oh but she could be trouble…she is not okay with Juan Pablo dating 24 other girls.  You have to be okay with this or you will ruin your life!! Yet, you could make for good TV...ABC has done well with this pick.  Amy J is terrifying.  Oh no, she is going to be one of the crazy ones.  She keeps saying horribly awkward things.  She is a massage therapist.  Nikki is a pediatric nurse and I now have faith that there are going to be smart people on this show!  I like her a lot…she is one of my front runners, but I want better for you than the bachelor!  Lauren has baggage.  Like elephant size baggage.  And at this point, I started talking to one of the other girls in the room and missed a couple of girls.  Now Lacy is on the screen.  She seems nice, yet somehow I don’t like her.  Clare is our token daddy issues girl.  She was super close with her father, who passed away from brain cancer.  This is not going to end well.  Fans will probably love her, but that is some heavy stuff to be broadcasting on television.  

Chris Harrison is welcoming Juan Pablo back to the mansion and the girls start arriving.

Limo number 1:
 Amy L. is the first girl to meet Juan Pablo.  She is sweet.  There is a very pretty girl named Cassandra, but there was the most awkward of pauses.  ABC even added crickets for those of us at home.  Christy has a weird headband on and she is really in love with bottle blond hair.  Christine is the next one out of the car.  She is in a gorgeous emerald dress.  She brought a gift for the daughter which was genius! Nikki is here! Her dress is not stellar, but I like her so much.  She brought a stethoscope so that he could hear her heart beat quickly. 

Limo number 2:
Kat? Gonna be honest, I didn't catch her name...and I don't remember what she did. Oopsie!
Chantel is teaching Juan Pablo how to say her name and then she pronounces his perfectly.  Victoria is in a horrible dress.  She looks like she is wearing cheese.  She knows Portuguese and they are going to help each other with languages.  Lucy’s job is being a free spirit!  That’s her freaking job! That's not real! Not a real thing!  She’s not wearing shoes! What?!?!?! Danielle is pretty and I really like her hair.  Oh good! We have a crazy entrance.  Lauren S. is a music composer who wheeled a piano up the drive way and played for him.  Juan started to come help and when she said she had it he replied “I’ll wait for you!” and scurried back to his place.  Super cute.  Juan Pablo even went back in for her name…she’s not the only one to not give a name, but this is the only one he’s gone back in for. 

Limo number 3:
Chelsie is a teacher.  She is going to do an experiment for him…no she is making a corny chemistry joke.  Valerie wore boots so that he would know that she is country.  Elise is nice and is in a super sparkly dress.  Ashley is shining bright like a diamond.  She is giving him a gold star so he can shine too...  Oh and they cut to commercial when there might be a pregnant girl getting out of the car.  But I bet it’s a soccer ball or a pillow.  It’s Clare.  The baby is fake.  And it is a stupid ploy.  I don’t like you Clare.  Alli comes out with a soccer ball and now Juan is thoroughly intrigued.  Crazy Amy J is here!  She’s in a metallic thing.  Renee is connecting with Juan over single parenthood.  Lauren H has too much affection for scrunching her face.  Maggie is from the south and she brought Juan a fishing hook.  She is hoping that he is he catch that she has been waiting for (Cue eye roll from me).  There is a dog?  Kelly has dog lover as her occupation.  That is not an occupation.  She should sit on a bench with free spirit girl. 

Limo number 4:
Lacy has a dress with an Angelina Jolie size slit.  She gives Juan a red hot prescription…literally red hots in a prescription bottle...  Soooo we have a potential drug dealer.  Awesome.  Alexis gets Juan’s seal of approval for cuteness.  Kylie is a red head wearing pink (who let her do that?!?)….hahahah she totally walked off before he was done talking.  That’s fantastic.  WE HAVE AN OPERA SINGER!!  This means we have class! Sharleen came all the way from Germany.  I have hopes for her.   Andi tells him that he can’t be bad at her name because he asked twice.  Hahaha. I like that. 

Juan is tired of talking to Chris, but first he must hear about the first impression rose.  Chris sends him off with “The house is yours!”  Juan tries to get the girls to relax because he wants to get to know the real them.  He’s cute because he’s awkward.  He says that he feels like a meat that they want to eat right there.  That’s great.  His talking heads should be good.  Juan Pablo turned on some music to keep them from staring at him.  THEY HAVE A PHOTO BOOTH!  I want a photo booth. 

Juan and Nikki have some alone time.  Hahaha—he remembers her by saying Nikki the Nurse.  She seems to understand the show.  I like her but she seems really giggly.

Renee is talking with Juan Pablo about being parents.  Oh. My. Gosh. She just equated him getting pregnant with making a goal…ew.  Just. Ew.  Why did we go there?  Why?  That was not necessary.

Free Spirit is back! She literally has a flower headband. 
Amy J is seriously stalker material.  He was willing to get on the massage table, but he looks really awkward as she tries to give him a massage and is removing articles of his clothing.  SHE IS TOUCHING HIS BUTT.  She makes the most disturbing noises.  Juan Pablo’s talking head is the best.  He just awkwardly looked at the camera and said that she is nice but the massage was a little awkward.  Oh honey, that massage is the capital building of awkward town. 

Everyone is freaking out about the first impression rose.  No one has sanity left.  Oh good, they are taking role to see who has not gotten time with Juan yet.  "It is not just a rose!"  Maggie is serious! This is her life.  
Chelsie actually asked Juan if he remembers her name.  He looks at her and just goes “”  Kudos to him for just admitting that.  
Elise gets some time and I am looking closely at her dress for the first time…it looks like she glued costume jewelry to her chest.  They are massive crystals. 

The girls are freaking out about getting time with Juan.  Oh good,  I think Lauren H is on the fast track to tears.  We might get the first breakdown earlier than anticipated...Aaaaaannnnd Here they are!  Elephant size baggage comes with a side of tears.  She is obviously not ready for this.  Honey you need to go home.  1) you can’t handle rejection right now 2) this show is BUILT on rejection 3) The chances of you finding a lasting relationship on this show are not in your favor.  Ashley took her aside and is trying to calm her down.  She is pretty much treating her like one of her students.  Wait…did Ashely just go find Juan Pablo for Lauren H?? Cause he just appeared out of nowhere.  Juan just sits there while she emotionally vomits her whole story on him.  What is he supposed to say after that?  ABC cuts it so that we can’t see.  Boo ABC. 

They then go to a montage of girls.  Juan says that the girls have been nice and great.  By the music, ABC wants us to feel the physical connection between Andi and Juan...they are playing Latin music.  THE OPERA SINGER IS BACK!! She is also the only one that didn’t try to learn Spanish! She is classy!  Hahaha she just said wiener.  ABC wants us to know that there could be a romantic connection here...there mood music has changed...Juan goes to get the first impression rose.  She hesitated sooo much before accepting the rose.  She is actually is paying attention to what she thinks about him and not just to what he thinks of her.  New favorite.  She is classy, she has brains, AND she is using common sense. 


Sharleen already has the first impression rose.
Juan tells the girls that they all look fantastic.  He says that he is making his decisions based on his life and his daughter.
Clare, Nikki the Nurse, Renee (hot mama), Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S (piano man), Kelly (and her dog), Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie, Kat, Victoria (or cheese dress), Christy, Lucy, Elise, and Amy L get roses.

That leaves Maggie, Alexis, Kylie, Amy J, Lacy, Ashley, Christine, Valerie and Lauren H rose-less and bound for home.The girls that did not get roses say their goodbyes and leave.  Crazy pants Amy J gives us the quote of the night! The message therapist literally said, “Sometimes people don’t always feel you the way you feel them.”  Best quote ever!  Oooh…Kylie is crying as she goes home probably more from embarrassment than anything else.  The girl thought her name was called but it was not.  Lauren H was sent home.  She is still crying from earlier in the night.  I get that pitying looks from people would be tough, but you should have known better than to go on this show…especially after your recent breakup.


Unforgettable adventures, fireworks (naturally!!), and platitudes about Juan Pablo.  Water! Islands!  Kissing! AND TEARS!  Hahaha and Juan disregards Sean’s advice and kisses somebody where other girls can see him.  Can I get my ten bucks now? Oh good, there will be plenty of cat fights too.  I haven’t seen anything with the opera singer and that makes me sad.  Where is she? I liked her.  Oh here she is.  I bet she goes home.  She has too much class for this.  

Bloopers: Sean wants to help Juan find his thing.  Sean was shirtless boy.  Juan wants to be the dancing boy and now he is teaching Sean how to salsa…and tells him that this is cute.  Oh Juan.  You are adorable. 

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