Monday, August 4, 2014

In Paradise!

That’s right ladies and gents, we are embarking on an acid filled adventure with “the broken hearted” that are taking another stab at love….it’s going to be bloody. Literally.  That’s what the previews say.

To get us excited about the season, ABC plays the same clip we have seen for 4 weeks.  There will be joy, laughter, tears, regrets, more tears, and a possible arrest?? And let’s not forget, Marquel!!!!

Chris Harrison welcomes Crazy Clare onto the island.  She is ready to find love.  She is not going to let one bump in the road keep her from finding love.  She wants a man to step up and say “I want you!”

Marcus is the first guy to come to the island.  He was at least smart enough to wear flip flops.  Crazy Clare had to take off her wedges to get to the special beach house which appears to be open to the elements.  The guests are excited and so are the bugs that are going to get into EVERYTHING.

Sarah is the next girl to come to island.  Marquel, Danielle (from Sean’s season I guess?), and Graham join the others.  I am personally excited to see this.  Michelle Money is also supposed to be on this and to watch stuff go down between these two should be good.  Lacy (from Juan Pablo’s season) comes.  The guys think she is gorgeous.  BENtley is BAAaaaccckkk.  He walks onto the beach just as Crazy Clare says “I hope there are no douchey guys here.  I can’t stand douchey guys.” Well done ABC.  The original crazy train, Michelle, is back.  Robert is also here.  Dylan is here.  Marquel runs to meet him and they chest bump on the beach. They are precious.  Elise is wearing the worst possible shoes for a beach…I’m pretty sure anyone’s grandmother could beat her in a foot race.  Seriously woman, you knew the title of the show right? There would be sand! And yet you wore those shoes…AshLee joins the group.  All of the girls are wearing stupid shoes. 

How the Show Works

Each week there will be Bachelor Style dates.  The date card will say who the bachelor(ette) is and they get to decide who to take on the date with them.  To stay on the island you have to be part of a couple.  There will be a rose ceremony each week.  This week there are 7 girls and 6 guys.  Therefore, all the guys are safe this week, but one girl will be going home.  Next week, the odds will be in the girls’ favor. Let the games begin! Hahaha as one of the girls here described it, basically we are watching the bachelor version of dodge ball.  Last one picked goes home….sad and alone…

The girls are feeling the pressure of being outnumbered.  Lacy comes in hot, taking Robert out to the ocean.  She basically makes him hold her up above the waves.  Later that evening, Marcus is moping out in the water.  Lacy goes out there to “get to know him better.”  Sarah is chaffing under the pressure.  She cannot stand watching Lacy through herself at multiple guys.  Everyone the beach was trying to figure out who Lacy likes better. 

Haahaha Crazy Clare and Marcus were talking when Dylan and (Elise? Danielle? A blond one?) Go frolicking in the ocean.  Marcus and Clare were basically making comments like regular viewers across America.  Once Dylan and Elise(?) start kissing Crazy Clare started commenting about how adorable they are.  Marcus comments that they are probably witnessing their first kiss.  It’s like they are the representation of all of us….

AshLee is complimenting Graham.  She is sure that they are meant to be.  I’m fairly certain that he has no idea the amount of insanity that just latched itself onto him…he should run, but he just doesn’t know it…where is Michelle Money??  I just want her to come in this episode!

Crazy Train sees the date card and summons the troops.   Sarah is still freaking out about the odds against her.  Crazy Clare is stoked to get the first date card.  Crazy Clare picks Graham.  The other guys are surprised but excited for him.  AshLee is instantly devastated.  She is whispering to herself.  She is sooo mad at Graham.  She is saying that “He couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours.”  Danielle says that AshLee looks crazy.  Danielle says that she is not going to keep going after Graham because she doesn’t want to get murdered in her sleep.  Hahaha ABC is making it look like Crazy Clare is talking to a raccoon when she is totally talking to a producer. 

Oh My Gosh! Crazy Clare is going to tell Graham that she thinks its best that she takes someone else on the date since AshLee is going bonkers.  Danielle says that she feels like she is in a soap opera because of all the drama.  Crazy Clare takes Robert with her.  Apparently they already knew each other, but she hasn’t thought about him in a romantic sense before.  But she thinks that they have chemistry….

Lacy is focusing on Marcus while Robert is gone.  BUT, Sarah got a date card and she asks Marcus.  Lacy is not doing well.  Also, in a slightly unrelated note, Lacy looks like a Pink Lady from Grease in her talking heads right now.  Which brings us to another question: why does she look so good in her talking heads but like a hot mess when she is with everyone else?  Her hair…what is her hair? When Robert and Clare get back, lacy talks to Robert because she is having a really rough night. 

Someone is coming!!!! Please be Michelle Money! Please be Michelle Money!  YEEEESSS IT IS!!!!!! And Graham looks pumped!!!!!  Game changer!  I’m going to be honest here, I had no good hopes for this show until I found out that Michelle Money was coming back. 

So Money walks in WITH A DATE CARD.  She grabs Graham to talk to him. Needless to say AshLee looks horrified.  The next morning AshLee goes to apologize to Graham because if he doesn’t give her a rose no one will.  And Money hasn’t picked her man yet for her date card.  AshLee is a crazed girl flailing as she is going down.  Money picks Marquel for her date.  She looks pumped as he accepts and they go to get ready.  While I could see how Money and Marquel could be adorable, I doubt that things are completely over between Money and Graham.  WHAT IF HE GIVES HER THE ROSE INSTEAD OF ASHLEE!?!?!? AshLee’s head would explode! I now want this almost as much as I wanted Money to show up tonight….

Lacy gets the next date card and she has a tough decision to make.  She is attracted to Robert and Marcus… she’s “80-40” ….no, honey, you “dumby-dumby” your percentages are supposed to add up to 100%.... not 120%  Marcus and Dylan are talking about how Lacy is putting “all of her eggs in Robert’s basket”…that’s not awkward wording at all….

Also, what is Lacy’s hair? Did she forget that her rollers were in?  And Dylan is giving horrible advice.  Don’t listen to Dylan.   

Here is why I love Michelle Money: she is super good at reading people and she can work a crowd.  Somehow she also is very maternal while still being in on just the right amount of drama.  Girl has skills.  She also gives THE BEST talking heads.  I would probably watch any incarnation of this show if she was on it.
SIDENOTE: Why is EVERYONE (except my girl Money) failing at English?!?
Marquel somehow pulls off the craziest outfits.  He is adorable no matter what he wears.  I’m fairly certain that he is the only person on the planet could pull off his style…which is appropriate cause there is no one like that boy. 

Rose Ceremony Time!

Marquel is first …but Crazy Train wants to say something and interrupts Marquel….And she is saying that she wants to go home?!?!  Therefore, only one girl is going home.

Back to Marquel—he picks my girl Money

Graham—AshLee (I feel like he just did this to avoid the wrath of the women) Sarah said he has to pick her or he’d “get his balls chopped off” But who would do this heinous act? Not AshLee if she went home! But alas, she stays.

Dylan—Elise (who is apparently already in love with Dylan?!?!) he should change his pick for next week…

Marcus—This gets interesting because he likes Lacy but told Sarah he would give her the rose if Lacy is safe.  The drama here is high people! Who will he choose!? Lacy…cause he is a game changer, that’s why! Robert will now have to pick someone else….probably Clare

Robert—Clare (as previously predicted, thank you very much)

BENtley—Sarah (and this is the first time I have ever liked this guy)

Danielle goes home…which is interesting because she had a lot of talking heads so I thought she might stay longer….no worries Money will keep us apprised of all the juicy details  

Basically, BENtley had no screen time.  I forgot he was on there until the whole will-Sarah-get-sent-home portion of the rose ceremony.  I wonder if he will be able to redeem himself on this show….picking Sarah was a good first move.  Dylan should probably run.  Elise seems uber desperate.  We have a love triangle between Robert, Marcus, and Lucy.  Graham, my boy, you are in trouble.  You need to find a way to drop AshLee.  Also, I’m fairly certain that Graham and Money have a pack to inform each other of what each gender group is thinking…should get interesting…

Next Week: why did Crazy Train really leave? Bird Beak Chris comes and someone jumps off of a balcony?!?

Bachelorette Finale and After the Final Rose

Who will Andi Choose?!?!?!  …Josh.  She is totally going to choose Josh.

Supposedly there is a dramatic ending that we won’t see coming… I bet Nick has a psychotic break!

Nick is the first one up to meet the parents.  Patti, Andi’s mom, thought that Nick was really reserved.  Andi wishes that he wouldn’t have been as nervous.  Nick gushes about Andi to her mom and she seems to like him at the end of it.  Andi gushes about Nick to her sister….and the sister looks a little skeptical, but she doesn’t make any comments.  Nick wins over the dad enough to say that if they pick each other than he is okay with them getting married. 

Josh meets the parents and they are a little worried that he is just Andi’s type.  Andi is trying to convince her sister that Josh isn’t like all the other guys she’s dated.  Josh is much more boisterous than Nick was.  Oh Josh has the sister in the bag!  Dad and Josh are dressed alike! Josh now has the task of convincing dad that he is sincere.  Dad seems like he likes Josh more than Nick because he is joking around with him.  Dad gave Josh his blessing in a similar fashion that he gave it to Nick.
Josh and Andi have their final date.  Those two have pet names for each other.  This makes me think that he is “the one.”  I use quotes because there is no way she has spent enough time with either of them to know…but she’s totes picking him.  Andi is looking for the last moments of reassurance before the end.  I think if he can do a good job at affirming their relationship, she will pick him.  He points out that every relationship is different—timelines cannot be compared.  AND HE USED FAMILY EXAMPLES.  Dang this boy is good.  Josh gives Andi her own baseball card with personalized stats.  This made Andi believe everything he has said all season.  This is by far my favorite gift that a contestant has ever given the bachelor or bachelorette.  This one might have been the brainchild of Josh himself.  Nick’s story book a couple weeks ago was totally not his idea.  There is a slight possibility that Josh came up with this…probably not, but it does fit him better than any other gifts that have been given throughout the seasons. 

In our house we are currently very confused about whatever it is that Chris Harrison is saying…we kind of tune him out when he is talking….something about someone trying to confront Andi?? The Chris Harrison interjections are boring.

Andi and Nick go “off roading” …but they are totally on a dirt road…. But in all reality that was probably a good idea because I would not trust Nick to know how to drive a Jeep through various terrains. 

SIDENOTE: my sister just gave me the bracelet that goes with Andi’s necklace. 

Basically Nick is asking Andi to tell him that he is her choice before the final decision.  He doesn’t want to propose if he is still wondering.  It is boring and painful to watch.  He is not just awkward…he’s a little creepy.  Okay his present is thoughtful.  He got sand from the beach that he told her he loved her on and put it in a bottle for her to wear as a necklace.  It matches her outfit…I wonder if her stylists told her to wear that….

So Josh just picked a ring and Andi showed up at Nick’s door.  Chris Harrison is now going to poll former Bachelor cast members to see if they think Nick is getting dumped or picked. Basically all of the former cast members are saying “I don’t know.”  Wow. So glad we are wasting 10 minutes on this.  She’s going to dump him.

Oh my goodness! Andi is literally using Nick’s own phrasing to break up with him.  She reminds him of when he felt like something wasn’t right in his last relationship and she says that she feels like something isn’t right with them.  Nick is not handling this well….he is questioning all of the moves she made.  He asks if it is more about them or about someone else.  Andi is mum on the subject.  Kudos to Nick for calling Andi on saying or doing things she shouldn’t have if she wasn’t going to pick him.  And here we are at the ugly side of the show.  “I just hope that you are a million percent sure and not scared.”  Wow Nick, way to plant the seed of doubt in her mind. 

You have to hand it to Josh-he is good with the soliloquy. Andi did a great job of making him sweat.  Oh BULL CRAP! YOU DID NOT LOVE HIM FROM THE MOMENT YOU LAID EYES ON HIM! NO! no.  You stereotyped him.  But whatever, I called it.  Oh gosh.  They are like puppies that can’t stay off each other.  WHY ARE WE STILL KEEPING THE MICS ON DURING KISSES?!?! I don’t want to hear that.

After the Final Rose

Also, I totally called that Nick would not be able to handle the rejection.  He is not doing well.  Nick is refusing to let sleeping dogs lie.  Chris Harrison agrees to go talk to Andi for Nick at the Men Tell All.  What I am learning from this is that Chris Harrison really likes blue shirts.  That is the only color in his dressing room.  Andi refuses to see Nick and Chris takes a letter to her instead.   

Nick and his brand new hairstyle come out to talk to Chris Harrison.  I wonder if they give the runners up stylists so that they look as great as possible.  Nick is trying to explain his emotions from that day…I wonder if they lock them in a room just looping the footage so that they will be as emotional as possible.  Nick is taking this day by day.  The hardest part for him is that he believed in their connection and to have it slip through your fingers.  Nick just wants closure.  He asks Andi if she read the letter.  She has.  He doesn’t really have anything else to say. 

Hahahaha Andi just said that there was nothing wrong with Nick, Josh was just better.  Harsh woman, harsh. She also said she was never in love with him, otherwise she would have said it…..are they allowed to say they are in love? Oh my gosh!  It feels like this has been an eternity—but it’s only been FOUR FREAKING MINUTES.  Hahaha Andi just told him that he was hitting below the belt and that he should keep those things private.  So I’m pretty sure that the producers think this time was a bust.  Nick didn’t really say anything.

Josh and Andi make their first public appearance….and they still look like hyper puppies.  They are gushing and I’m ignoring it…. Oh my goodness! They are doing an ode to Andi’s stupid pouty face.  They brought out Grumpy Cat?? Hahaha they have a pout off.  And It’s Over!

By far the best part of this show was watching Chris Harrison unabashedly mock Andi’s pouting face.  He looked like a kid at Christmas when he got her to say “Stawwwp” and then frown immediately afterwards. 

But in better news!  Bachelor in Paradise starts tonight!  It’s basically going to be The Bachelor but on acid.  Should be insanely ridiculous which means I will definitely be tuning in.  

The Week Where Chris will be Sent Home so He Can be the next Bachelor

*My apologies for the delay on this post.  It has no editing because I was tired and forgot to post it...until now.  On a side note, whenever I see "Dominican Republic" I always think of this girl that was in my college literature class who always pronounced it "Dominican Republican."

The gang is in sunny Dominican Republic.  Andi says that this is a beautiful place to be in love with one person at the end of this journey.  She has three different paths in front of her right now.  Andi’s recaps of the guys makes me want to punch a wall.  By her own description Josh is perfect for her.  He is her type, he makes her laugh, they always have fun, he sees her for who she is, and the list goes on.  However, she came on this show to try something different… why is that your negative? That should not be a negative! He’s better than your exes! Why are you projecting onto him!?!  She says many wonderful things about Chris, but let’s be real, boy is going home.  She talks about Nick and they show a montage.  I am being struck by the idea that if Andi were to choose Josh, Nick would crack.  I’m convinced he would go full blown psychopath and burn down a building. 
Andi and Nick have a private island all to themselves for their date.  This date is turning into a watery make out fest.  I don’t want to watch this.  Also, we are wondering how romantic it can get with producers watching you like hawks.  Like “Here’s a private island for you, your love interest, and 3 camera men, 2 producers, and a mic guy!”
Andi and Nick are talking and she might actually be listening because she is too busy stuffing her face with chips to comment. 
Nick just told Andi that he did what any “33 year old man from the Midwest would do” and he wrote a story.  I’m from the Midwest….no 33 year old man would write a story unless it was a request from their child or they were actually getting paid.  Most of them have jobs dude.  They have better things to do than fulfill whatever the ABC producers request.  Nick tells Andi he loves her but it takes a couple of tries.  His first attempt was “I love what I know about you” which is vastly different from “I love you.” The latter is an unconditional statement.  The first is dependent upon what you know and gives him an out if he finds out something that he does not like.  No worries guys, he finally gets it out with the proper wording.
Josh and Andi are exploring the capital.  She surprises him with taking him to a local baseball diamond.  They start playing some baseball with some local kids.  Josh also tells Andi that he loves her.  And he was graceful…unlike Nick.  Andi is nervous because there is a fantasy card on the table tonight.  She needs to know that he can be serious because he is always so happy….so basically she wants to know if Josh can have Nick’s personality before she goes any farther… and the rest of the date is spent with them making out…in a pool.
Andi and Chris go horseback.  They ride past some Dominican farms and Andi asks Chris if this is cool for him.  “It’s interesting…”  hahaha.  That means no.  She also said that it looked like Iowa.  No.  No it didn’t.  I am getting the impression that neither of these two are in this.  Chris just said that he loves her and she just gave him an “aw crap” face.  Andi is now crying and is going to send him home.  She bawls out some sort of apology.  Chris was a total gentleman and even offers Andi his arm when she stands up.  WHAT KIND OF TWISTED BREAKUP IS THIS?!?!? Andi is bawling and Chris is consoling her when she did the dumping! What the heck?!?
Chris Harrison comes to Andi the next morning for her usual counseling session. 

Guess what.  Two guys, two roses.  Andi is ecstatic.