Monday, January 13, 2014

Juanuary Dos Semanas

One-on-One #1

Clare the hairstylist is going on the first date with Juan Pablo.  Uh-oh.  She’s hopeful.  The odds are not in your favor… she doesn’t do online dating nor does she go to bars…and yet she thinks this is going to work…
Juan Pablo picks her up and puts a blindfold on her so that she doesn’t know where they are going.  The girls think he is precious for doing that.  Hmmm Clare being blindfolded means that she has to rely on her other senses…and she is only using her nose.  She literally just called Juan Pablo “Heaven in a Bottle.”  He should use that as the name of his first fragrance.  Juan Pablo took Clare to a winter wonderland.  There is snow in the middle of LA.  He is really sweet.

Back at the house—the girls are talking about how nice Clare is…but Lucy is hanging out in the pool…literally.  She is in the pool topless.  Looks like our hippy girl is free with her body….

Clare is spouting nonsense.  That’s cool.  I don’t mind wasting my time listening to you talking about how you are ready for love and your heart is ready for this…except that I do. 

Date Card! Kat gets the next one-on-one date.  Hahaha the number of duck faces that are shown after Kat gets the card is priceless!

Clare is very distracted by Juan Pablo’s abs. Yet, she holds it together enough to tell him about her dad.  Wait…she was the girl with the letter from her dad wasn’t she… yep. She totally was.  Juan, as all of the bachelor or bachelorettes, is glad that the contestants are opening up.  Juan, not surprisingly, gives Clare the rose.  My guess is that she’s making it pretty far because she’s blond and the previews showed lots of blonds and there were not that many blonds at the end of last week. Oh good.  Guys! The private concerts are still going to be used way too frequently! Somehow, ABC made it snow. Clare is completely enchanted.  She hopes that this is the tip of the iceberg and I can’t help but wonder if she is riding the Titanic.

GUYS I JUST FOUND THE BEST THING EVER!!!!! ABC changes the pictures when girls get kicked off! Check it out!

One-on-One #2

Juan Pablo is taking Kat somewhere ridiculous.  They are at an airport.  On the plane Juan Pablo has them change into some ridiculous florescent outfits that have lights on them.  I think they are at a glow run or a rave.  Oh it’s called the electric run.  Are they actually running the whole thing?  It’s a dance/run 5K.  Interesting.  No. they are not running the whole thing.  It looks like they are walking and then dancing.  On stage, Juan Pablo gives Kat the rose.

Date card! Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Lucy get the group date. This leaves Sharleen (our in house opera singer), Amy L, and Danielle without a date this week.

Group Date

All the girls talk about is how hot Juan Pablo is.  I guess that’s all they know about him, that’s all America knew about him, yet it got him the gig.  Ah, it’s the classic photo shoot and/or movie ploy.  The creative director is sporting a blue beard…  Chantel is having problems with guessing what is behind the door.  THERE ARE DOGS!  Hahaha! Lucy’s biggest fear today is a dog peeing on her shoes because she borrowed them…cause hippies don’t need shoes!  Best. Fear. Ever. So the girls are going to do a sexy photo shoot with dogs to raise money for them.  Oh good, they put Lucy in a fire hydrant.  Awesome.  Nikki is getting bonus points with Juan for taking care of her dog. Andi and Elise are given the unlucky tasks of only wearing a cardboard sign.  They should walk.  They should revolt.  I want to punch that blue bearded man in the face for them.  Elise is smart enough to ask Lucy to switch with her.  Lucy is more than happy to do that….and she is walking down the street naked with her dog.  I wonder what Andi will do.  Cassandra was very classy and Juan seems to like the classy.  Renee was also very classy.  Seriously?!?  Andi is saying that she is going to do this because it’s for a good cause.  Seriously?!?!?! It’s for dogs!  Why should you have to be naked to help dogs? That is highly illogical.  Tell them heck no! Juan Pablo came over and said he was going to do it with her so now its magically fine.  Give me a break!  This is stupid.  One of the girls said that if a dog gets adopted because of this shoot, it would be worth it because they saved a life.  No.  Just no.  You should not have to be naked to get a dog adopted.  These girls are officially idiots. 

After the photo shoot, the girls head to a rooftop to hang out with Juan Pablo.  Victoria already looks crazy.  Previews make it look like she is going to go crazy.  Cassandra is going to tell Juan about her son tonight. Juan takes it really well.  Of course he would be excited.  He’s single parent too.  Sometimes the girls freak out over the strangest of things.  Renee really wants her first kiss with Juan Pablo. She is doing an adorable thing with her son—they are each writing journals to each other while they are apart and they will trade when they are back together.  Ew. She points out that Juan didn’t kiss her.  Hahaha.  And he still doesn’t.  That’s the best!

Ah, the cut-ins are happening now.  There is nothing more delightfully awkward about this show the girls stealing Juan Pablo away from eachother….and Victoria is already drunk.  Awesome.  One of the girls is talking to her about how she is drunk.  Her response is “No! This is me sober! I am fun sober.”  That’s the best.  She is totally falling apart. 

Juan Pablo hones in on Nikki.  She takes care of kids and he seems very attracted to that.  He asks her how she got away from work (pediatric nurse) and she said they gave her a leave of absence. 

Oh my gosh.  Victoria is soooooo drunk.  Wasted.  Wasted is a good wood for her.  The Andi doesn’t want her to see him because she is completely out of it.  Kelly is excited that she is going crazy.  Oh no.  Victoria is interrupting Juan and Nikki.  Juan is sad and he asks Kelli if Victoria has been drinking.  Victoria runs off to the bathroom and Renee finds her crying in the bathroom.  Renee does her best to comfort her, but Victoria is hysterical.  She just swears and says she is going home.  She gets into a verbal altercation with a producer because she wants to leave and he says that for her safety he has to get her a flight and a cab and that she can’t just leave.  She ends up running back to the bathroom. 

SIDENOTE: the commercials tonight think I want a hamburger and I need lotion for dry skin.  That’s it.  Those are the most popular commercials.  I find that very strange. 

Lucy goes to find Juan Pablo to tell him that Victoria is losing it.  She wanted to give him the option to address this.  He finds her in the bathroom.  He asks her to talk to him for a second.  She just cries and says ‘no!’  And then he just stands there for a minute and says that he will wait for her outside.  He is disappointed.  He says he will not judge her and then he talks to the girls about how this is a hard situation.  He wants to make sure that the other girls had a good time.  Kelly got the rose.  Ew. I forgot that she has the job of “dog lover.”  WHICH IS NOT A JOB.  She is the girl that literally just transformed into the dog.  I don’t think she should have gotten it.  Andi should have.  Girl got stark naked. 

Juan asks the girls to get Victoria home safely so that he can talk to her in the morning.  (note that he did not wait for her like he said he would)  The girls think that is sooo great! He is suuuuuch a gentleman! (cue hair twirling).  What do you bet that they leave her there.  Yep.  Victoria stayed at a hotel.  Juan Pablo went to find her. Victoria apologizes for “setting of the crazy train.”  She is describing herself and she sounds bipolar.  She says that when she’s mad, she’s really mad, and when she’s happy, she’s really happy.  Kelly is relishing this a little too much back at the house.  Juan accepts all of Victoria’s apologies and sends her home.  Good move on his part. 
Hahahaha! They just aired the most ridiculous commercial with Juan Pablo and yellow M&M.  What did I just see?  That was super corny. 

Cocktail party

Cassandra is nervous about what Juan Pablo is thinking.  Previews make it look like she might go home…which means that she probably won’t.  Juan talks to the girls about how he sent Victoria home.  He then asks one of the girls that he hadn’t talked to yet, Amy, to come for some one-on-one time.  She brushed up on her interviewing skills on him…which was very weird.  She sounded like a sports reporter.  Juan then finds Sharleen, our classy opera singer.  He is shocked that she is intimidated by talking to him.  Oh good.  The girls are over analyzing things already.  Even Clare is freaking out…and she has a rose!  Cassandra is super confused and cries while looking at photos of her son.  She finds Renee who apparently is the resident therapist for all the girls.  Impressive skills for a real estate agent…but that probably comes more from the fact that she is a mom.  Juan and Cassandra sit down to talk about her insecurities.  He does tell Cassandra that if he ever doesn’t see anything that he will tell her right away since she has a kid back home. 


Chris Harrison tells us what we already know.
Kelly, Kat, and Clare already have roses.
Cassandra gets the first rose.  Sooo obviously it’s worth staying.
Nikki gets the next rose.  Andi, Elise (whose hair looked AWFUL in the back), Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alli, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christy get roses.  That means that Chantel and Amy go home.  Amy says that she is still ready for love.  Chantel is more shocked than anything. 


Kisses! Tears! Juan Pablo speaking gibberish! Oh good-there is going to be massive amounts of breakdowns.  Dang it! The Opera singer looks trashy.  

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