Monday, July 15, 2013

Bachelorette Week 8: And It is Entertaining Again!


Shirtless Wonder...will there be majestic abs? 

Des starts off the home dates with Shirtless Wonder, yet he is wearing a shirt AND suit jacket.  He says that if you think he is crazy, just wait till you see his crazy family.  He tells her that he has something funny to show her but he starts telling her about this creepy dream where they melted into the sand.  I think this is really his dream from when he was on acid because nobody dreams crap like that without some kind of chemical aid.  Des says that she can’t even follow it, but she’ll go with it.  He scampers off to get something and just leaves Des in the park.  He comes back in the family snow cone truck.  Des says that it reminds her of her childhood…wasn't she homeless as a child?  Did they live in a truck full of tasty syrups?  Maybe they could afford snow cones back then?  Wait…He puts Des to work in the truck….her date is working for Shirtless Wonder.  Her date is earning his income….what??  Also, Shirtless Wonder comes out in this penguin suit to entertain the children.  We bet that he doesn't have a shirt on under there. 
Interestingly enough, Des did not bring a present like the Bachelor or Bachelorette usually does...Wow his family is ALL about the art.  Maybe he hired them to do his art last week.  That’s right. I still hold that he did not do those sketches in his memory sketch book. Hahaha.  Shirtless Wonder tells his family how he introduced himself to Des—shirtless.  His family looks mortified, especially his brother.  He also makes the declaration that he has been naked at least three times.  I thought his brother was going to spit out his food.  This makes me automatically like them.  His family is actually pretty fun.  His mother tells a cute story about how her mother told her that you know when you've found the right one because there will be a spark that stays with you forever.  Next, his sister takes Des aside to a bedroom that looks like it was coordinated to match the clothes that the two of them were wearing.  Shirtless Wonder plays the guitar while his brother and sister sing a song that he wrote about her and she looks like she isn't enjoying it at all.  Her face is in pain.  She says that it’s such a special moment, yet her face says “crap I should show emotion…maybe cry…yes…I’ll cry…from being so….touched”  After the one private concert that ABC did not pay for, Shirtless Wonder takes Des outside to show her a box that he’s been carrying that has a ring inside.  He then tells her he loves her.  Again, Des’ face is not good.  He’s probably going home.  His talking head is so hopeful.  Dude, you still have a 75% chance of losing. 

 On to Arizona and Jake 2.0!

Des skips up to Jake 2.0 while saying “You’re so cute! You look adorable!” Um, those are things you say to another girl.  He looks like a Ken doll… Des and Jake 2.0 chat and head out to pick up his sister.  Des is really sweet as she meets Melissa who has a severe disability.  They take her back to Jake 2.0’s parent’s house.  Haha. Jake 2.0’s dad toasts them to have a “happy journey.”  That is officially my new toast.  It’s so vague and awkward.  Des has a nice chat with Jake 2.0’s dad and he talks with his mom.  His dad says that their daughter Melissa is an angel who has taught them so much.  That is so precious!  Jake 2.0 pulls Des aside before she leaves to tell her that he loves her and that he wants her in his life.  Side note: the majority of the family was wearing pink…maybe it is in their family crest…

Baseball with the Poet

In the midst of a walk in the woods, Chris the Poet picks some weeds to give to Des.  I hope they are poisonous.  He says that he got her something. He made it himself!  Um, you can’t make flowers! You are not Mother Nature! He takes Des to a baseball diamond to practice hitting and pitching.  After they finish, Des sits down with Chris to show him some sketches she did of their time together…a la Shirtless Wonder from last week.  So not only is Des a parrot of opinions, she will parrot what the other guys have done to the man she is currently around.  Awesome.  Oh no! Chris the Poet thinks this is something just between the two of them! No, my creative sir, you sadly got the cheap imitation.  Huh.  Des actually cares what his family thinks of her…but not enough to bring a present….
At his parent’s house, Chris and Des reminisce about their first date. Also, their family color is navy.  I guess Des fell and got a kink in her back on their first date…so Chris’ dad offers to adjust Des’ back.  She looks super awkward, yet consents.    After he adjusts her, they chat a little about Chris.  Then Chris gets HIS NOSE ADJUSTED???? While talking to his dad.  Meanwhile Des is talking to Chris’ mom.  She is super monotone and breathy as she talks to Des.  However, as soon as she starts talking to Chris she has emotion in her voice and power behind it.  After Chris says that she is the one, she goes slightly monotone again.  All of the mothers so far have said that Des and their son are magical together?  How do you have chemistry with all of them?  Maybe it’s because you are a blank slate so they can imagine anything….It’s like Runaway Bride!  She mimics whatever they want her to be so they all love her!  That means we need to figure out which one is her Richard Gere. 

On to Mormon Town and Brooks!

Brooks looks nervous or sad all of the time.  Des understands how Brooks has been up and down this whole time because “it is hard to date someone while they date someone else.”  No kidding.  In fact, that is a deal breaker for all normal people.  Des tried to remind Brooks of all the good times they've had together.  She wrote a list of all of her favorite memories which seemed to make Brooks perk up.  They took a canoe ride and it took on water.  Brooks has a talking head where he looks like he’s crying again.  Yet, he’s saying things like it’s so great to spend time with her, but his face when they are apart is death!  She is like crack to him!  SHE IS HIS OWN PERSONAL BRAND OF HEROIN!  Oh no! This. Is. Twilight. DES BROUGHT A GIFT! This is the only hometown where she brought a present!  Hahaha.  The family members are wearing name tags!  That’s great.  Well done family members, well done.  Their family color is mint.  And we think they might be Mormon because there are a ton of people here and we don’t’ think there is any alcohol in that house.  Brooks’ brothers take him aside and ask him deep question so rapidly that he cannot answer them but only look worried and sullen.  Brooks also asks family members what makes their marriages so special.  Brooks needs to talk to his mother.  She says that it went well and that Des surprised her.  I’m not surprised.  Des seems to reflect whatever the mothers want to see.  BROOKS’ MOTHER JUST SAID HE WAS HER FAVORITE! You cannot say that on national television! 


Des is meeting with her brother Nate and she is nervous about this.  He points out that she didn't talk to him for a couple months after how he treated Sean.  She said she didn't talk to him because he messed things up for her.  AND HE SAYS THAT IT WAS JUST MEANT TO BE.  Haha!  Who says “yeah, I ruined your life because it was meant to be.”  He is pressing Des to say that ‘the one’ is here.  He’s not buying it.  Yet, he says that he has no qualms or concerns.  But his face says “I HAVE ALL THE QUALMS AND ALL THE CONCERNS.” 

Therapy Session with Chris Harrison

I love how the guys’ photos are always in frames with candles sprinkled around them.  It’s like a shrine to those who have gone before.  No—it’s a shrine to those whose dreams are about to be crushed.  Des and Chris are talking about how Brooks still hasn't said that he loves her, yet Chris the Poet said it.  Apparently Jake 2.0 was “very bold” when he told her he loves her.  Shirtless Wonder said he loved her and even gave her a “promise/hope ring.”  Des says that she sees a proposal at the end and she’s hopeful for it to be from Brooks.  Yet, after Chris’ hometown she was unsure that she wanted it to be Brooks.  We watch Chris Harrison walk the guys into the hotel as Des’ thoughts are dubbed over the shot.  And ABC does us a solid by creepily placing brother Nate in the wings and giving him some stellar horror movie music in the background. 

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison tells the guys how important this week has been.  Des tells them that she has been honored to meet their families, but with that said one of you must leave. 
Brooks gets the first rose but he still looks devastated. Chris gets the second rose.  Jake 2.0 gets the last rose.  CALLED IT!  Shirtless Wonder is going home.  I hope Des gives him his ring back.  She walks him out and says, “I don’t know if I should keep this because it was such a beautiful gesture.” Um no.  You do not keep the ring.  You split up with him, you give it back.  That is proper ring etiquette.  She hands him the ring and he shuffles to the limo.  Shirtless Wonder apparently puffs out his cheeks to keep from crying.  Is that a thing?  Everyone, try that next time you are going to cry and see if it stops your tear ducts.  Oh my goodness!  Shirtless Wonder chucked the ring out of the car!

Not gonna lie, I wish Nate would have cause some kind of drama.  Also, we think Brooks is going to break up with Des.  They kept cutting back and forth between Shirtless Wonder having an emotional breakdown to Brooks looking like he is going to be sick while Chris the Poet talks about ‘how hard this must be for Des.  She had such a connection and deep relationship with Shirtless Wonder, but now he’s gone…’ Yep.  He’s splitsville. 

Next week: the men tell all.  Tune in, it should be explosive.  We are hoping the guys will show up in their group hoodies…oh and sweat bands a la Michael. 

Bloopers: Des and Jake 2.0 played a bridal shower game with his family??? Best line: He looked like a pancake kind of guy.  Um, what?

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