Monday, July 1, 2013

Week Six: Des, Tears, and the Boy who FINALLY went Home

The Bachelorette: Des Edition Week 6

ABC wants you to know that this is an “EPIC-sode.” Barcelona is also “the perfect” place to fall in love.  Des is hopeful.  Des is kissing everyone.  James is angry and teary eyed, depending on the shot that you are watching. 

They show us shots of Barcelona with some really dance-y music.  This city is full of life and Des finds it very inspiring.  And like every other place they've been, Des finds it to be the perfect place to fall in love.  She says that she has crushes which gives her hope of falling completely.  She can’t wait.

ABC does some nice editing to show all the guys sending dirty looks at James.  There is still much talk about his not-so-secret conversation with Mikey last week.  He might be here for the wrong reasons.
Chris Harrison meets the boys outside of a bar.  They get the run down…again.  I wonder if they get as tired of this as we do.   Oh interesting! Des will not have cocktail party this week.  Jake 2.0 gets the first one-on-one.  “My time has finally come.”  That is Jake 2.0’s rallying cry for this date.  He says that he might address the James issue. 

One-on-One #1

Des and Jake 2.0 walk down the street and do some sight-seeing.   He said he could not stop thinking about her….and he was rewarded with a kiss and hand holding.   They drink from a fountain that is apparently a promise to return to Barcelona.  Jake 2.0 tells Des about his relationship with his recovered alcoholic father.  He hadn't told anyone this before.  Des, of course, is touched.  I wonder, did you mean to tell all of America too?  He goes on to say that his dad has cancer….and that nobody in his office knows…well they do now!!!  Des feels closer to Jake 2.0 since he shared his feelings with her…she “wants a man with depth.” And cue my eye rolls at that ridiculousness.  Yeah.  James screams depth.

They head to a private dinner in some kind of entirely bricked over room.  Jake 2.0 wants to steal her away….from the dinner table?  From the cameras? Yep. From the cameras.  But no worries, the at least 10 person camera crew tracked them down.  Des and Jake 2.0 made out in an ally.  Des said it was “in such an amazing way.  Sensual and Romantic.”  Um what?  I need to know this why?  Yeah, Jake 2.0 grabbing your butt is SUPER romantic.  In the words of my mother “gag me with a spoon.”  Des told him that he is so strong and sensitive and she gives him the rose.  Jake 2.0 is a genius! He waited to talk about James until after he got the rose.  Smart, smart man.  He even asked her if she wanted to hear this before he dropped names.  Alright, I’m on Jake 2.0’s team.  Des is pretty pissed.  Her talking head is ranting about the fact that she has told them to leave if they aren't here for the right reasons.  Um…no one there for fame would walk out of this opportunity.  If anything, the people that want you to succeed are the ones that leave.  They are the ones that have evaluated that this is not for them so they will step aside and let the bachelor/bachelorette find love.  Really, the bachelorette should cancel the show after somebody offers to leave and just chase after them. 

Brooks, Hashtag, Chris the Poet, James, Michael, and Juan Pablo get the group date.
Juan Pablo actually had a talking head!!!!

Jake 2.0 has a power huddle with his buddies and tells them about his talk with Des.  Michael seems to really like sweat bands….

Group Date

Des can’t wait to hug the guys and be with them.  Des says that her date with Jake 2.0 was great and that they shared a lot.  Either ABC didn't show it, or the only sharing was saliva.  Juan Pablo seems super excited for this group date.  Juan Pablo feels like he is at home.  Brooks even says that Juan Pablo is literally translated as “you have no chance and I am going after Desiree”  The guys are going to be playing soccer against Des and her team…which we are guessing is a professional team.  Juan Pablo swears, so I think he knows who they are.  All of the American guys think that they will totally beat the girls.  Juan Pablo says they will not be faster than him and he does some great victory posing.  ABC is finally delivering on the Juan Pablo footage.  James is an utter failure at blocking.  They should have picked someone else for goalie.  And all the guys eat their words.  Juan Pablo is a little worried now.  Juan Pablo and Brooks both call James a little girl because he let 10 goals to go past him.  All of the guys rightly blame him for losing the game.  

Hashtag is getting worked up in his talking head.  He has apparently been waiting to confront James.  Oh this should be good.  Not for Hashtag or James, but oh so good for ratings.  Des takes Chris away first.  Des tells him that he is kind of athletic.  Thanks for the update…he was a baseball player...they are generally athletic…  This week the tables have turned and Des wrote Chris some poetry.  He naturally rewards her with kisses.  We all think that this is very intimate and personal when you are dating so many of the other guys.  This isn't even the final two.  But I bet he makes it to the final two!

Michael is encouraging Hashtag to confront James.  They think that “if James is a man, he will own up and apologize.”  Here we go.  James looks stunned.  Hey! He borrowed Mikey’s dumbfounded face! 

Brooks and Des talk about how they are “emotionally involved.”  What does that mean?  If they are just saying that they like each other than that was a really awkward way to say it.  He is pleasantly surprised at their relationship.

 Aaaannndd Back to the guys confronting James.  His defense is “I didn't start the conversation”??? Really? James yells at Michael that he hasn't even been on a one-on-one date.  What does that have to do with anything?  We also want to know what happened to Michael’s finger.  Those two just yell back and forth at each other.  James calls Michael a confrontational dude.  Michael says James is auditioning for the Jersey Shore.  James also keeps eyeing the camera.  James turns into the Jersey Shore Hulk when he gets angry.  He yells things in nonsensical patterns seasoned with swears.  He might as well be saying “James.  Smash.”

Hashtag walks off to find Des and tell her about what he heard.  Des says it is disgusting.  She now goes off to find James.  Hashtag does the best little smirk.  Des then says that she is not giving out the date rose and walks all the guys out except James.  Either he is going home or he is going to get the rose.  

Des feels blindsided.  James comes over and lays down for this.  Oh now he’s sitting up.  He is whining and saying that he didn't say any of those things.  It was all Mikey.  The guys ganged up on him.  He is not here to be the Bachelor.  HE’S CRYING.  He’s pulling the girl move and crying!  Well, it does fit with his girly way of blocking goals.  She says that she trusts those guys and that she trusts him too.  She is going to take minute because he says he wants to be here.  She says that she needs to sleep on it.  So he’s not safe, but he’s not gone either…. James says that he is emotionally exhausted and robbed by these guys. 

Back at the house, the guys are filling Jake 2.0 and Shirtless Wonder in on the festivities of the night.  James is again crying in the car on his ride back.  The guys’ faces when James walks back in are priceless!  Shirtless Wonder looks like he is going to pee his pants! 

One-on-One #2

The next day James is sulking on the balcony.  Shirtless Wonder is worried that all this drama is going to carry over to his date.  Chris the Poet sends him off with luck.  Des was not feeling happy today.  What?  This would make you sad?  Confusion and unfinished business might tarnish your other date?  No.  That can’t be.  Shirtless Wonder has made distracting Des his goal.  They walk with around and end up in an art studio.  We should have seen this coming because Des was carrying her sketch book.  Shirtless Wonder says that he was creative, but he doesn't just sit down and sketch.  Des and Shirtless Wonder reveal their sketches and then decide to sketch each other.  His. Is. Awful.  At least he apologized in advance.  Des fell down because she was laughing so hard.  She said it was the worst thing she’d ever seen.  They brought in a male model…that was naked.  Shirtless Wonder’s face was great.  He looked horrified.  The model was doing a hilarious duck face.  Shirtless Wonder snuck off to change and he came in as a model in tighty whities.  Oh look, he found a way to be…shirtless. 

They have dinner in a wine cellar.  Shirtless Wonder is excited for this “I’m in a cave! With Des! And candlelight!”  Des likes how curious a person Shirtless Wonder is.  And they make out.  They did super slow kissing.  It looked like ABC put them in slow motion…but they didn't.  Des is telling him how she likes his outlook on life and his personality and offers him the rose.  After they took care of business, they made out some more.  As a recap, Shirtless Wonder listed the right reasons, which happen to also be the reasons why he is here.  Somebody paid attention in class with Soulja Boy!  Des’ talking head is questioning how this is so different from James’ motives.  She knows why Shirtless Wonder is here, but she doesn't know why James is here.

Back at the guys’ suite, James asks Jake 2.0 his perspective on the issue.  Jake 2.0 lays it out very rationally and calmly, while still pointing out what is wrong with it.  James starts yelling, which naturally draws Jake 2.0 into yelling.  THEN James tells Jake 2.0 to stop yelling.  I would just like to say: once a cheater, always a cheater.  Except this time, James is cheating with the wrong reasons.  James got Jake 2.0 so riled that he actually swore.  This is first. 

Michael lets Jake 2.0 know that James yells at everyone.  It’s not just you man, he treats everyone badly(…except the ladies).  Michael just called James “evil” and “sinister.”  James struts over in a button up shirt and nice jeans and plops down next to Michael…who scoots closer to Brooks.  Des comes and asks the guys if they are having fun.  They give the most half-hearted ‘yeaaahhh’ I have ever heard.  The guys are so sure that he is going home, which makes me think that he might not go.  Des’ talking head says that she will send him home.  Yet, there is so much time left in this episode.  James is wearing flip flops with his dressy outfit??? Why?? What’s wrong with you??? Did you get distracted by doing your hair? James admits to saying hurtful things and that he learned his lesson.  Des asks him what his intentions are.  I want to know what James’ job is…I hope it’s not sales because it’s not very good.  Oh hey, you can see the guys on the balcony behind them!  Des empathizes with James.  Des is in a tough spot.  She either trusts the guys and sends him home or she sends a message that she doesn't believe them and that she wants to be with James.  Period.  Either she is picking him overall or she sends him home.  He is selling himself so well…to her.  I think is a nasty piece of work.  James says he doesn't want all this drama to affect whether or not he gets the rose.  How else would this information work?  Even if you try to keep it separate, it will be on everyone’s mind.  Des does not send him home at this point.  He walks back in and the guys look like they are questioning everything.  Juan Pablo looks confused. 

The hotel room is super awkward.  I wonder if they tell them they can’t have supper if they leave the common area.  Chris the Poet asks James what they talked about.  James says that somebody out of this group will become the Bachelor…just like Des did.  Honey, she is a woman.  She became the Bachelorette.  He goes on to say, “I have a very great sense of self.”  He made everyone so mad in this group.  Chris the Poet actually entered the fray.  He raised his voice.  This drops the neutral parties down to 3: Juan Pablo, Brooks, and Shirtless Wonder.  James yelled that “If I’m more in tune with f-ing me than reality, you will have to respect that!”  Is it just me, or did he say that they have to respect that he is not in tune with reality.  I didn't cover more of this fight more because James uses so many words in such a short span of time and every single one of them is ridiculous.  His thoughts twist back around on themselves.  HE MAKES WORD PRETZELS!

Rose Ceremony

The guys are nervous.  Brooks is wearing brown shoes with a black suit.  No.  You fail the fashion portion of this evening.  Des says that she doesn't know what to do.  Yes you do. You just don’t want to do it.  Don’t lie to us.  The women of America will revolt!  

THREE PEOPLE WILL BE LEAVING!!!  Well, goodbye Michael.

Des gives the usual this-is-so-hard speech and I-made-the-best-decisions-I-could remarks.  Chris the Poet gets a rose.  Brooks gets a rose.  No way! She actually picked Michael.  I mean, I like him, but…this means Juan Pablo is going home.  No more Spanish roses! This means the women of America will be devastated.   

Juan Pablo says this is how life is.  He wants a family: he has a daughter but he also wants a wife.  Put your number on twitter.  The majority of America will respond.  Hashtag also goes home.  James is also going home.  He says that people will not know the whole truth…ever. 

The group will head to the Island of Medina next.  Helicopters, horses, canoes, making out on beaches, AND TEARS. 

Bloopers: Carlos the trainer is showing the guys and Des how to warm up.  There is this high feet dancing thing that is great.  

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