Armageddon: Bachelorette Edition

The Bachelorette: Des Edition Week 5

Mountains! Sledding! Lederhosen! Fireworks! Fancy chats with Chris Harrison! And drama galore!   In the midst of mountains, Des will walk listlessly as she sorts through the troubles.  And apparently will most likely fall in love with Brooks.  After all, he did have the most foreshadowed make-out time.

The scene opens with background yodeling and apparently a super sale on zip-up hoodies.  Literally everyone but Chris is wearing a zip-up hoodie.  But Chris has class, he will not dress like the other peasants. 

Chris Harrison welcomes them to Munich.  BENtley’s zip hoodie looks like the classic black and white striped prison uniform.  Again, Chris Harrison needlessly explains the date card system.  Michael really wants a one-on-one.  I hope he gets one too, if he will get the rose while he’s on it.  I would be way too sad if his snarky comments would get sent home.  In fact, I’d miss them on the group dates too.  Can he just go on both?  Again, ABC had outdone themselves with the place that they set the guys up in.  But this time it is not part of a towel factory.

Hahaha.  Hashtag said in German that “I will happily in Germany kiss you.” 

One-on-One

Chris and his classy sweater get the one-on-one and he can apparently read German, but does he understand it?  THAT is the question.  

Military Man is still torn about being on the show.  He looks like he is sitting in a torture chamber while he is around the other guys.  He is confiding in James?  Really? Mob hair is your confiding buddy?  After Des left on the date with Chris, he realized that this isn't for him…and he leaves the hotel to go find Des.

Des and Chris are super corny on their date.  They reenact Lady and the Tramp with sausages, dance around, and take pictures with street people.  Chris naively says that he doesn't think anything could go wrong.  Oh wait, you sweet, classy man.  Military Man is about to crash your date.  Military Man is stopping random German people and asking them if they have seen television cameras.  Kudos to him for not asking if they have seen a girl and a guy walking together, as most of the contestants would have.  Dang it! A guy that actually has smarts is leaving!  As he’s walking he says that he hopes that this won’t ruin their date.  Um…of course it will!  Oh no! He’s just waiting at the edge of the group of people watching Chris and Des dance.  Why do you have to leave like a creeper! You were my favorite!  Well, I guess I’ll be solidly team Michael after this.

Military Man was super smart to ask Chris if he could borrow Des to tell her something.  Chris says that he can and then he sits down to wait.  The camera men apparently got bored too cause they are filming pigeons…fat pigeons.  Des can tell it’s coming.  He tells her he’s leaving and she says goodbye.  She now questions if other guys will not be here for her.  Remember the rap people! She wants someone whose here for the right reasons! Right reasons! Cue Soulja Boy.

With awkward eye/camera contact, Military Man leaves.  Des heads back to Chris and has a talking head that says that she won’t let this affect her date.  Yeah. Sure. Those tears will TOTALLY not change the mood of your date at all.  Chris did make the most of the opportunity by assuring Des that he is here for her.  (Which IS the right reason, just in case anybody missed that theme). 

What is going on with the camera men?  Is there an art student among them? Seriously, there are weird shots of statues and things. We were just treated to the visual delight of a statue of a Lion holding a whisk.

Juan Pablo, James, Hashtag, Shirtless Wonder, Brooks, Jake 2.o, Mikey get the group.  That means that MICHAEL AND BENtley WILL BE ON A TWO-ON-ONE!!!!!  BEST IDEA EVER!!!!!!!  No good will come of this.  It will be great.

Back to Chris and Des, for a classy dinner.  They are in a palace like place for dinner and Des is trying to out-sparkle the THREE chandeliers in the dining room.  Chris commends her on how she handled the Military Man situation.  His talking head says silly things like he “doesn't have to worry about the other guys, about what time I have to go to bed…”  Really?  DO they give you a bed time or are you arbitrarily giving that to yourself?  She asks him what he is looking for and he tells her that he wants a relationship.  She says what she needs and dun dun DUN: POETRY! Smooth, just smooth. He wrote her more poetry and reads it to her.  Well done, especially after her troubles of today.  Congratulations Chris.  You are now a front runner and the proud winner of Kisses!  And to continue the streak: a private concert!  Concerts are definitely the new black….and this season’s version of helicopters.

Group Date

Des missed the memo on wearing sunglasses.  James is comparing group dates to a herd of sheep…does that make Des… Bo Peep?  Or is she a wolf???  They did get a fantastic view of the mountains.  Jake 2.0 says that he had more fun watching her than looking at the mountains.  They can see Germany and Austria from either sides. 

Yeah! Jaun Pablo imitates a yodeler.   But he is confused and doesn't know what he is called. “Juggler? Jeweler?”  The guys try to yodel with the yodeler.  They throw their arms around him and then squeal.  Des is so glad they are “embracing the culture.”  Literally.  The guys are taken to sleds which is their way down the mountain.  Jake 2.o is sure that something bad will happen.  Shirtless Wonder says that love is “just like sledding down this hill” cause you have to have fun and just let go.  True to prophecy, someone runs into Des.  At the bottom of the hill they have a snowball fight.

Cut to Michael, Chris, and BENtley sitting in the room.  We wonder if they don’t have a TV.  We have never seen the guys watching anything.  Maybe it’s to make them hang out and talk about their feelings.  You know, deprive them of TV to make ratings.  The date card comes and Chris gets it.  My guess is that he wanted the momentary reprieve retrieving the card would give him from the stifling tension in the room.  The date card the poem: Two guys, one rose. One stays, one goes.  Our question is, which Chris wrote that?  The host or the contestant?  Michael is ready to send BENtley home.  This should be good.

Back on the group date they head towards some mounds of snow with doors in them.  The guys don't seem to know what they are.  One of the girls here shouted "Igloos!" and from the frumpy outside they must have spent all the money on the inside.  And they did.  Inside, is carved the coolest hotel igloo thing.  It. Looks. Awesome.  Des tells the guys that if they don’t see themselves with her, to just leave (a la Military Man).  She wants honestly…and the right reasons! (Can I get a Soulja Boy?)

Brooks assures Des that he is here for her and doesn't even get through with his sharing session before he is given his reward.  Des just grabs his face and starts sucking face before he can even finish his statement.  Next up for some alone time is Mikey.  He suggests making mini snowmen.  Des LOVES that idea.  Kid in a candy store face.  Mikey suggests making their family of 5…or 10.  (I don't think he knows what he's asking with 10 kids).  As they are talking, Shirtless Wonder sneaks out with drinks and positions himself a ways away and yodels over to Des to come talk to him.  They both laugh, but in his talking head, Mikey wants to kill Shirtless Wonder.  However, Des thinks it’s hilarious.  Also, we are 98% sure that he is Not wearing a shirt under his coat.  Wait. He is. But, naturally, it’s a V-neck. 

Oh interesting.  Brooks is going to go find Des to take her away from James…who is apparently a jerk with the other guys.  Wait. Nope.  He just creepily watches them make out.  This show will break him; he is far too sensitive for this.  We want to know what happened to Juan Pablo’s air time.  Where is it?  Why is there not more of it?  Also, James is wearing a girl scarf. There are sparkly threads in it.

Two-on-One

BENtley is talking about how this will be a one-on-one with himself and Des.  Michael will just be an awkward third party.  Michael thinks that Des wants him to help her show the bad boy that is BENtley.  The car ride is THE WORST.  Good news: there are booze in the car!  Des knows that this will be extremely awkward; yet, she is excited for this date.  No honey, you are not.  I think she is entirely unaware of how much they don’t like each other.  This is a hilarious competition.  Michael comes out of the gate with compliments for Des and more chivalry then BENtley.  However, when the awkwardness is mentioned, Michael says that he likes confrontation.  Hmm….

Des tells them that they are going to do the Polar Bear Plunge.  After they get into their swimsuits, she tells them that they are actually riding in a hot tug.  That’s right.  A hot tub/tug boat thing.  Michael starts attacking BENtley.  Des is stuck in a bad situation.  Who didn't see that coming??? Des.  Des didn't.

Back at the hotel, the guys are talking.  Mikey is getting a face massage from James.  That’s right Mob Hair is giving Mob Attitude a face massage.  In another room, Jake 2.0 and Hashtag tell Chris and Brooks a story about James.  Where is Juan Pablo?  Did they even put him in the same hotel suite??? Maybe he is having a non serious party with Shirtless Wonder who is also missing from this huddle.

Back on the date, they go to a cabin for dinner.  Michael looks like he is on the war path.  In his war conference with the private camera, he says that he will have Des’ back and defend her honor.  It hasn't even been 5 minutes and Michael is starting a fight.  We are going to start counting how many times Des takes a drink.  We are already up to two.  Des tries to ask BENtley questions and Michael attacks every answer that BENtley gives. He actually does that enough that BENtley excuses himself to go outside.  Des tells Michael that she is not happy with how he is going about the date.  Her talking head shares the glorious idea of sending the two of them home.  We doubt she will do that though.  ABC is WAY too clever at their editing to give something like that away.  Crap.  BENtley totally just saved his butt with what he said when Des came to check on him.  Des admits in a talking head that she knows that it is troublesome that BENtley doesn't get alone with the other guys.  However, she doesn't see it.  I am afraid that she is reading the signs, but ignoring what they mean.  At least she is smart enough to ask Michael why he is so passionate against BENtley.  Although this has definitely not been his finest moment, I still wish that Michael would get the rose.  Des brings everyone back to give out the rose.  Although we haven't seen her drink anymore, there is no alcohol left on that table...in anyone's glasses.  Des says nice things to both guys and then says that she is going to give the rose to the person that she can picture a life with.  AND SHE PICKED MICHAEL!!! There was much rejoicing in our house.  Still, he has a lot of work to do after tonight because he did not handle this well.  He ended up looking like a jerk.  Hahaha.  There was much rejoicing in the guy’s suite when BENtley’s bags were taken.  His limo ride was ridiculous.  He was very vindictive and stupid in his comments.  You are still on camera buddy.  They WILL play anything you say.

Rose Ceremony

It’s time for our fancy chat with Chris Harrison.  Des says that this is a pivotal week.  Apparently, she may do something different this week.   Maybe send no one home? Chris Harrison only wants to talk about kissing.  That man wants ratings and he wants them now! After their silly conversation, Chris Harrison actually asks her his usual therapist questions about what has been happening. 

The guys are talking about how they all want to talk to her.  Jake 2.0 and Hashtag have talking heads that say they want to tell Des about what they overheard.  Des, however, tells Chris Harrison that she doesn't want a cocktail party.  Is anybody else disappointed that this was her idea of doing something different.  Honey, it's been done...by everybody...Hahaha.  Juan Pablo makes an “oooohhh” noise when he sees her walk into the room.  After learning that there is no cocktail party, Jake 2.0 starts to look ill.  The best is the shot of James talking with Jake 2.0 standing behind him, looking like batman.  Seriously.  He’s not the hero that Des deserves, but the hero that Des needs.  Jake 2.0 is furious that he doesn't have a chance to unearth the evil that is Mob Hair. 

Mikey whips out his dumbfounded face to start the arduous wait for the roses.  Shirtless Wonder gets a rose.  Hashtag gets a rose.  Juan Pablo gets another Spanish rose.  More air time! More air time! Jake 2.0 gets a rose.  Des looks like she is going to break down crying.  Boo.  James gets the last rose. 

Mikey and his dumbfounded face are going home.  Aw. He looks so sad.  He really wanted his miniature snowman family.  They didn't really have a connection, but he was nice.  He is handling this WAY better than most people.  Give that man a medal!  There were zero man tears, angry comments, or vindictive actions. 

Next week: Barcelona!

There will be much making out.  Chris Harrison will be so proud. 

Hashtag and James get into a fight.  Des is crying.  She is confused.  And there will be much fighting…and rejoicing on my part cause that will be massively entertaining. 

Outtakes: Yodeling.  Mikey looks even more confused than Juan Pablo.  The yodeler says that the key to a good marriage is for the woman to do anything the man says.  Brooks is very against this advice.  “Nice guy, horrible marriage advice. Horrible.”