Week Three with Des and the Boys

The Bachelorette: Des Edition! Week 3

The opening dramatic montage is made to show off Ben’s sketchy faces.  Brooks gets hurt in a game.  And no one saw it coming that SOMEONE is a “lying, cheating, deceitful, pig!”

There will be two group dates and a single one-on-one. 

Group date #1: Dodge Ball

 Chris, Brian, Jake 2.0 , Michael, Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Zack, Brandon, and Ben.  The card says that love is a battlefield.  I think we should start a countdown till when Brooks gets his pretty, delicate head injured.  The guys are being instructed on how to play in the National Dodge ball League.  Des wants to see how the guys will interact with each other.  She wants to see how they compete and how they fight for what they want.  Yep.  Having guys throw balls at each other is a great way to find how who will fight for you.  Michael calls that somebody is going to end up getting injured… and Brooks looks to be in danger with his girly little ponytail.  The pros even seem to be aiming for him.   Michael decided to play captain obvious and state that ‘winner-takes-all implies that only one team will continue on the date’.  Thanks.  Glad you cleared that up. The epic battle will take place in a public place.  The guys are given ridiculous outfits to battle it out on the court.  Brandon says they have great “game faces” when all they really have is sad looking gym uniforms.

Des says that it is so funny to watch “grown men walk in in really tiny shorts.”  This is ridiculous.  Mikey was the first one out, which honestly, is not what I expected.  Chris and Jake 2.0 are in a battle to the death…and Jake 2.0 pulls out a win!  Apparently ABC wanted to build suspense because this is a best 2 out of 3 tournament.  Red team made a comeback.  Chris Harrison looks happy to be getting more screen time as the announcer.  Michael says that “this is for all the marbles…which in this case is all the time with Des.”  Brooks gets hurt and Des laments that “this was supposed to be fun…”  Where is your spirit for competition that was so rampant a few moments ago?

Jake 2.0 seems to be the only one really playing on the blue team at the start of game three.  Yet, it was down to Chris and Zach, the two professional baseball players, to finish the game.  Zach pulled out the win, which means that Michael, and the red team, lost all their marbles to the blue team.  But, TWIST OF EVENTS! Des pulls a Sean and takes everyone.  Lame.  And this is not a message you want to send.  She was so happy to see the guys fight for something…and then EVERYONE got the prize.  Not everyone gets the prize on this show, honey.  Unless, you are planning on dating the final two instead of picking between them.

Turns out that Brad also has a son.  He told her that he is here for love….WHO WOULDN’T SAY THAT??

Dang it.  Hashtag got the one-on-one.  This will up his chances of being annoying.

Des is taking guys away to talk to them one-on-one and the unlucky fellas that haven’t talked to her yet are getting jealous and antsy.  Chris took Des to the helipad on the roof.  Nice move, dude.  Smooth! He compliments her and focused on her.  He didn’t mention the rose to her and he was, overall, normal.  He gets my vote.

Brooks is totally on some serious drugs! He jogs in while still wearing his ridiculous gym uniform.  He looks like he’s going to cry again.  He says he missed her and then started kissing her.  Des says that there is a chemistry between them that works…and it’s also enhanced by drugs!

Surprise, surprise! Chris actually got the rose.  I was sure that Brooks would get it for breaking his finger.  Des takes Chris away to a private concert.  She seems to be using these on every date like Ben used helicopters.  The best part about the private concert is that it’s not that private…it’s in the courtyard at the base of the building so all of the guys can watch from the balcony.  It’s a private concert with a side of voyeurism!

We open to see Des journaling...with a serious face.  She says that the guys are amazing and that she would be lucky to be with any of them.  Des looks like she is wearing no pants….odd.  Side note: leggings are not pants.  Nude colored leggings should NEVER be worn as pants. That is all.  But this is the outfit from the preview that tells us that the lying, cheating, deceitful pig will be revealed.  So instead of picking up Hashtag, she heads to the house to confront the bad man.  Des is “very good about knowing people” but “she didn’t see this one coming.”  “How could he play a game?” Um, cause someone always does!  Seriously, this is like the 6^th or 7^th person in all the seasons to be caught playing this game and not being here for love.  I think we should expect at least one in every season.

Brian?  Brian is the pig??? I did not see that coming

…but his hair is shifty…

Des asks if his conversations with her were sincere.  He assures her that they were, his past relationship was totally over.  While they are talking Chris Harrison parades a girl through the house to the back yard to Des and our cheating pig.  Shirtless Wonder looks SHOCKED to see another woman walking through the house. 

In the house, the guys are a buzz with fury, confusion, and shock.  Shirtless Wonder, looks the most confused.  Brian’s girlfriend is railing into him.  It was a flurry of words and just crazy.  The best part is when Stephanie, his maybe-maybe not girlfriend, storms “It’s gonna look like the truth!”  with sass!  The next best part was Chris Harrison trying to get Stephanie to stop talking at a mile a minute.  “Steph. Steph. Steph. Steph. Stop. Stephanie.  Hello? Steph. Stop. Steph.”  Silly Chris Harrison, a woman scorned can’t be shut up.  Womp there it is.  Stephanie vehemently calls him a “lying, cheating, deceitful pig!”  Brian is walked through the house and the guys cannot contain their glee at his departure.  Oh ho…Brian left in a prison van and the ex-girlfriend left in a limo.  When Des tells them that the girl that came in was Brian’s girl friend the guys tried to display looks of shock and sadness…all except for Brooks, who may still be on drugs.  Des asked the guys to tell her now if they were hiding anything.  WHO WOULD ANSWER THAT??  She then apologized for taking time away from her date with Hashtag.  He says that it was something she needed to do, and so it was completely understandable.  He’ll probably get a rose just because of timing.

Good news everyone: Shirtless Wonder is here, not only for love, but for marriage!

Des takes Hashtag to dance on the side of a building.  

Hashtag can’t dance and, I believe, is scarred of heights.  But he will do this for her!  Des says she felt like Peter Pan!  We wonder what the people in the building are thinking…. Hashtag is so glad that they can share a memory that no one else will share…except for the two other people on the building with you.  Very quickly, they get too tired to dance on the building.  Des announces that she might have peed her pants.  Des seems to have emotionally, as well as physically, checked out of the date.  Hashtag tried so hard to salvage the date, but I think it was unsalvageable.  But, as totally expected, Des gives him the rose.  I still say it was a pity rose. 

Group date #2: Cowboy boot camp.

The new cowboys include Shirtless Wonder, James, Juan Pablo, Military Man and Dan (Velveteen Rabbit). Shirtless Wonder is so excited!  He slips into his fake Texas accent to match the Stagecoach that they ride to the date in.  To show them that they are going to be doing a stunts, Des fights with a stunt man and shoves him off a balcony.  Shirtless Wonder applauds with the most childlike grin on his face.  Des, too, applauds her stunt skills.  Mob hair, aka James, is ready to be Des’ hero.  Des thinks that the guys look hot and she wants to keep them in cowboy clothes all day!   We were debating whether or not all the guys look better in a cowboy get up…we decided that Shirtless wonder does not ...but that might also be due to his silly bowler hat that makes him look more like a banker than a cowboy.  All the guys have to repeat the same scene while putting their own twist on it to win some private time with Des…Dan split his pants to add a new twist.  Juan Pablo decided to speak Spanish the whole time.  I think he just won.  Military Man points out that Juan Pablo could have been spitting out a recipe for pasta and no one would know.  Hahaha.  Again, did I mention that I like Military Man?

We are calling that Juan Pablo won a private country concert.  Oh no.  Juan Pablo sounds so silly when he speaks English.  I cannot handle his accent.  And his excited squeals.  They are squeals.  But instead of a concert they get to watch The Lone Ranger.  He says that she gave him a “beautiful badge.”  They try to watch the movie and eat popcorn, but end up making out.  Des says that kiss was passionate…we say the kiss was buttery. 

Des and Juan Pablo join up with the other guys for a campfire.  Dan was excited to ride the horse, even though he ripped his pants open.  Military Man looks cute in his checkered shirt.  I think Des is confusing his gentleman-ness for not knowing how to put on the moves.  They are cute together. 

Shirtless Wonder is complimenting Des’ team spirit and personality.  He does a funny impression of himself going in for a kiss that didn’t happen earlier in the day.  He is feeling warm and a weird love drunk feeling…I think Brooks shared his drugs. 

Mob hair says that they have similarities.  They are having kind of shallow small talk and Des is doing a lot of nodding.  James tries to reel it in with some serious talk.  I don’t think they have a connection.  I’m calling him as the “I’m going home because of family.”  Des’ heart is breaking that James isn’t confident about being here.  Eck.  He is going to get the classic you’re-insecure-here-is-a-rose rose.  I hate that rose.  That rose is dumb.  Shirtless Wonder is really depressed now.  I like his expressions.  If you don’t watch the show, you should, just to see Shirtless Wonder’s faces.  After she gives James the rose, he gives her a daisy.  This may have just solidified his presence for a couple of weeks.  I’m still holding out as him going home after she keeps Ben a few more weeks.  At that point though, James will become the what-can-she-see-in-me-if-he-is-still-around departure. 

Chris Harrison wrangles the guys together and tells them of the slight change of plans.  The cocktail party has been canceled in lieu of a pool party.  Brooks still looks like he is hyped up on drugs.  Ben pulls a jerk move and whisks Des off for a quick drive so he can have one-on-one time.  Michael and Mikey are the two that spot Ben with Des.  I wonder if the camera men were like “hey guys, go check out the front gate…” because the chances of these two being the ones to spot them are just too small. 

One of the guys told her that she threw a perfect spiral and Des clapped for herself….just like she did when she threw the stunt man off of the balcony. 

Mikey is upset that Ben lied about getting alone time with Des.  We have decided that Mikey has mob personality and James has mob hair.  Ben says that he is not the type to kiss and tell and he doesn’t want people to know what’s going on in his private time… did you know that you are on a show that has camera’s follow you??  Even if the guys don’t know, America does!

Chris Harrison comes to collect Des from the guys and saves her from WAY too many people being in a hot tub. 

On to the roses!

Military Man gets a rose and much applause in our living room.  Juan Pablo gets ANOTHER Spanish rose, this time with better pronunciation.  Shirtless Wonder does a creepy smirk when he gets a rose.  Brooks and his broken finger get a rose and he seems to be a little more with it.  Jake 2.0 gets a rose.  Zach, the baseball player, gets a rose.  Brad gets a rose.  Mikey looks a little special as he’s waiting. Michael gets a rose. Mikey got a rose.  Ben gets a rose…our as I will call him BENtley. 

Dan and Brandon are going home.  Des tells Brandon that he is an incredible person, just not for her.  He is going to shed lots of man tears on the way home.  Brandon says that he just got his heart smashed by a hammer because he was in love with Des.  No.  No, you weren’t.  You were infatuated.  You don’t even really know her yet.  It’s not personal, it’s rejection, but not personal.

Next week: there are kisses, helicopters, sand castles, a Mr. America pageant!  Oh no! Military Man is going to talk to Des about Ben. NO! DON’T DO IT! That person ALWAYS bites the dust!