Monday, June 17, 2013

Week Four: Des and Mr. America

The Bachelorette Week Four: The day we dread that Military Man Loses it All.

Tonight: Atlantic City, Kisses, Sand Castles, “connections like they can’t explain,” tears, more concerts, and a Mister America Pageant.  Unfortunately, there is also going to be a tattling session on BENtley….by Military Man.  boo.  Stop it.  Now you will probably leave.

Chris looks like his shirt was made by an exploding plaid machine crossed with a mustard factory.  It is a plaid shirt and mustard love child.  Chris Harrison tells them that they are starting their travels with dun dun dun DUN: Atlantic City.  The guys looked awed and shocked, delighted and pleased.  Oh please, you ALL knew that travel was a part of this deal.

Des is super excited for “the 13 guys I will get to see in this amazing city.”  Oh your joy and innocence is ridiculous. 

The guy’s pad is super nice and possibly part of a towel factory.  Seriously, there were at least 50 towels in that bathroom. 

One-on-One #1

Brad gets the one-on-one.  He is the one who confessed having a kid last week.  Cue the guys talking about how they are not going to work.  Mikey said that he didn't know how Brad would bring out the fun side in Des.  And ABC only shows them playing games and laughing.  Well played ABC, well played.  They got to go to a candy factory!  We are all wondering about how they were allowed to be around this food without hair nets and just grabbing things.  We think that they will have to throw out that entire batch of candy.  Some of the guys are watching the boardwalk from their 44th story window. Shirtless Wonder remained at the window the longest and was rather creepy.  He seemed really stalker-ish.

Whoa.  ABC hired the mother of all sandcastle builders!  That thing is intense!  Brad loves this date.  Brad is not good at answering questions without saying “guess like...uh” or without them being SUPER vague.  Des is trying so hard to have dinner conversation, but Brad is not picking up any slack.  Des says she is conflicted about giving him the rose.

Date Card: Looking for Mr. Right
Everyone but James is going on the group date.

Des looks super awkward since Brad isn’t talking.  They decide to walk up to the top of the lighthouse.  Des magically has gloves—she will leave no evidence of when she pushes Brad off the top to end the horrible date!  Des tells him that she couldn't see them “lasting forever” and so she doesn't want to take any more time away from his son.  I love that she just made him climb to the top of a lighthouse and THEN ditched him.  She watched him walk down….alone.  That super sucks.  She said that she wants a “love to light the darkness.”  What?  Aw.  Brad is crying some very large man tears.  But, he is doing the man tears better than most.  Des says that saying goodbye is emotional…is it really?  You just look bored. 

Group Date 

Des is dressed like the daytime version of Cat woman…and we think she may have dyed her hair.  Brooks literally just compared Des to a magical unicorn that comes around….with another guy.  They end up at Boardwalk Hall where they meet Miss America.  It is the birthplace of the Miss America pageant.  Juan Pablo is super confused as to why they are here and telling them this historic information.  Chris Harrison tells them that they will be competing in a Mr. America pageant.  Juan Pablo still looks confused.  Michael hilariously says that this is his dream come true with the best seasoning of sarcasm in his voice.  Mikey is excited to “strut his stuff.”  Yes, he said that seriously.  The guys get the help of Miss America and a talent coach.  Oh no! Shirtless Wonder is going to turn into WES!  Chris puts on home high heels and asks Des to dance.  Jake 2.0 says it is a “hodgepodge of tomfoolery.”  YESSSS.  Brooks doesn't know how to play the ukulele and he is still going to use it.  Hashtag is going to tap dance.  Michael sits down with Miss America to practice for the interview.  He gets asked “what is the biggest problem in America today”…. and he just sits there.  Mikey picks invisibility as his superpower of choice.  Creepy answer….especially when you move your eye brows like that.

The guys were ASSIGNED swimsuits.  Juan Pablo is completely comfortable with his speedo.  BENtley, surprisingly, is not as happy with his. 

Chris Harrison just walked in to tell the awkward men that they will have a live audience.  Hahaha. Michael says that this would have been a waste of time without an audience! And dramatically threw down his swim trunks.  I like him. 

Le Pageant

Hashtag is the first contestant.  He is asked if he is a giver or a taker.  He answers giver! Waht does he win? Rounds of applause from the audience.
Shirtless Wonder says that he would be fire because it is his responsibility to light her fire.
Brooks would be a lion, no hesitation.
Chris totally fumbles his answer. 
Juan Pablo just let a bomb drop.  A woman has to first love his daughter….what?  you have a daughter??
Mikey is making NO SENSE.  The guys are literally falling over laughing in the back. 

Hashtag does a horrible job tap dancing, but pulls it off as a comedic thing.  Nicely done.
Mikey does a stripping dance/ workout session. 
Brooks sings a funny little ditty while plucking at the ukulele and then smashes it. 
BENtley twirls things.
Jake 2.0 reads Shakespeare.
Chris twirls hoola hoops in high heels.
Military Man pelvic thrusted at the mayor??? Never a good idea.
Shirtless Wonder can actually play the guitar...unlike his earlier profession of no talent.

Jake 2.o has Jake 1.0’s abs!
Brooks has the best strut.
BENtley is gross.
Hahaha! All the guys are holding hands like the girls do in actual pageants.
Second Runner Up: Brooks
 First Runner Up: Shirtless Wonder
Mr. America: Hashtag
Hahaha.  All the guys do a great impression of the girls from pageants.  Hashtags’ winning face is fantastic.
On the way out, Brooks picked up his smashed ukulele and starts strumming it.  Hahaha.  He probably should have won this competition.

Chris pulls Des aside…to a pool…to read her the poetry that he wrote.  I think it’s great that you can share something as personal as your poetry, but why would you take your poem journal to a pool???  But sharing= kissing, in true bachelor/bachelorette fashion. 

Military Man REALLY can’t stand BENtley.  He gets awkward and can’t even stay by him.  Oh yet again, BENtley takes Des away for some one-on-one time…right in front of the other guys.  This is probably the thing that they call can’t stand.  Des is, of course, falling for him while the guys stew in the seating area.  Brooks actually asks BENtley if he could have taken Des to a place that was NOT right in front of the others.  When he said it didn't matter to him where he talked to Des cause they just have that connection, Brooks goes, I’m OUT and leaves.

While he is getting ready for tomorrow, James has a bubble bath and eats chocolate covered strawberries…like a woman, cause he is sensitive too. 

Ew.  Shirtless Wonder really did lie when he said he couldn't play the guitar because HERE IT IS AGAIN.  Why?  I hated Wes the first time around, I don’t need to see his doppelganger now. Dang it! Des gave him the rose.  The only upside is that BENtley is upset and jealous that he didn't get the rose.  Good.  I don’t like you. 

One-on-One #2

James’ date starts with some dramatic music.  We caught a glimpse of Hashtag still wearing his sash and crown.  Des leaves with James to see the devastation of Hurricane Sandy.  James says that “this sounds great.” I get that you might not know what to say, but “this sounds great”??? No.  This is probably the first serious helicopter ride in the history of bachelor/bachelorette.  This is a very somber date.  James spots an America flag at the top of a half-submerged roller coaster and says that it is a sign of hope…but not for this date.  I have the feeling that if they have fun later, they will feel guilty after the devastation they just witnessed.  Like how could you enjoy your nice dinner when someone else doesn't have a home?  The helicopter landed and now they are walking through the wreckage.  They “run into” some locals, Manny & Jan, and ask them how Hurricane Sandy affected them.  My guess is bad.  I hope ABC paid them for their time.  Seriously, they made this woman cry while she recounted their story.  The inside of Manny and Jan’s house had to be gutted.  When Des found out that they spent their last anniversary in a Red Cross Shelter, she gave her date that ABC had planned in Atlantic City.  James said they could just eat fast food and hang out so that these two could have a special evening. 

At their dinner date, Des shares that she has been through a lot financially and that she knows that she just needs to find someone to love, who will love her back, to be happy.  She could live on an island with someone she loved.  And sharing=kisses! Unfortunately, James goes on to say that he cheated on his girlfriend in his freshman year of college.  Des seems super mad for the other girl.  He tries to talk his way out of being seen as a cheater in her eyes.  Her talking head even seems teary eyed.  She appreciates his honesty.  I’m not sure that will save him.  She still seems ticked. 
Flash back to Manny and Jan in Atlantic City.  They were given a replica of their wedding album from the Red Cross.  Essentially, ABC is plugging the Red Cross with this couple.  I am sad that they are marketing their genuine emotion about this situation. 
Des and James crash Manny and Jan’s date.  They pass on some advice and tell Des and James that they make a great couple.  Oh here it is!  I was waiting for the concert.  ABC got Darius Rucker.  James and Des stayed behind and let the old people dance.  Des gives James the rose and tells him that he is trustworthy.  I find this ironic because his honestly was telling her that he cheated…. Oh, I lied, they will not leave the old people alone.  They start dancing with them.  Then the old couple leave so the kiddos could have the dance floor, which we should rename the make-out floor.  Des says it’s a good thing that they only want to kiss.  That hearkens back to the folly of Emily and Arie from the last bachelorette. 

Cocktail Party

Military Man is struggling with being one of many.  He is not sure he will take the rose if she offers it.  He wants some alone time to talk to her.  Des says hi to the guys and her talking head says that she has made lots of connections, aside from Brad who didn't have the light.  Des pulls Michael aside to talk.  He rips out some paper and starts writing her name and says something that he likes about her that starts with the same letter.  Oh look: sharing=kisses.  They make out on a bench. 

Cut to Military Man telling the guys that he might go home.  Or at least some of the guys. My guess is it's the guys that he likes cause I don't see BENtley.

Chris is talking to Des.  I don’t think I will ever get the sight of him in high heels out of my head.  I don’t remember what he said at all, but I know that someone must have shared something cause there was kissing.

Side note: Des has not said anything super complimentary about her family.  Was there a falling out?

Military Man has his one on one time.  They aren't showing a whole lot, and they don't show if he decides if he should stay or should he go.  He says he feels a little better.  His talking head is so conflicted!  Also, the previews played us! He was not going to talk about BENtley at all.  Which makes me glad, but now he might leave on his own.  Boo. 

Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison needlessly explains the way the Bachelorette world works.  Des thanks the guys for sharing (which we all know equals kisses).  She is excited for where this could go.  Mikey is ready for the wait with his dumbfounded face. 

Chris and his high heels get a rose.  Brooks and his smashed ukulele get a rose.  Juan Pablo gets….a third Spanish rose.  Also, this is the third time I’ve seen him the entire episode.  Jake 2.o gets a rose.  Michael gets a rose.  Yay, may the sarcastic humor continue! BENtley and his slimy butt get a rose.  Hashtag gets a rose.  Military Man is offered a rose…and he waits…and he takes it!  Mikey gets a rose.

Zach is going home. He looks quite sad.  But we all called that he was going home…because we kept forgetting his name.  That’s how little screen time he got.  “Rejection is not fun” NO DUH.  Stop talking.  You are going home.  This just makes you look sad.  “You feel alone.  Like you are not complete.” Do you really want your next girlfriend to see you cry and say those things on air?? Pull yourself together man!

Des tells the guys that they are going to Germany! Beer! Castles! Lederhosen! Apparently next week will be “Armageddon.” That. Sounds. Awesome.  Yet, I feel like ABC could be playing us again….


Shirtless Wonder is so excited to learn how to do the runway walk!  The guys are trying so hard not to laugh.  Jake 2.0 does a stellar job of being a model.  Military Man can’t do a catwalk.  We are sad that Juan Pablo didn't strut his stuff. 

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