Monday, June 3, 2013

Bachelorette: Des Edition! Week 2

Bachelorette Week 2!

Des is hopeful! Des likes some of the guys! The previews show her kissing many guys…which will make Chris Harrison happy cause that man likes ratings.

Oh there is going to be a rap video with Soulja Boy…this could be the best of the horrible ideas that ABC has put into motion.

The show starts with Chris Harrison talking to the guys.  There is much clapping and smiling over the idea of Des coming over that day.  Chris explains what everyone knows about dates, roses, and date cards.  The guys actually clap when Chris leaves….they clap. 

Brooks is the lucky winner of the first one-on-one date.  He is excited.  I am worried about his greasy hair.  Brooks is super excited.  Jake 2.0 is already nervous about someone else getting a one-on-one.  Who knows, maybe Jake 2.0 will be the perfect combo of Jake 1.0’s smiles and J.P.’s “adorable” insecurity.

“He’s nice. He’s genuine. But he’s not me.”  Wow. Great quote Ben.  My liking of you from the first episode is now gone.  Even your cute kid will not save you if you keep making comments like that. 

Not gonna lie, I am loving Clorox’s bachelorette themed commercials.  I thought the idea of having “life’s bleachable moments” was funny…but adding the bachelorette twist is great.

One-on-One #1
Brooks thinks this will be his first date with his future wife.  Nice confidence…but it’s probably misplaced.  Des is going to show Brooks what it’s like to be in her shoes.   Are you going to make him date 25 women simultaneously? Apparently not.  To put him in her shoes she jokes that she is going to put him in a wedding dress.  Instead of making him a cross dresser, she puts him in the Worst. Tux. Ever. He looks like a mini version of the Green Giant.  She starts laughing that he looks like a leprechaun.  Brooks says that she is so beautiful, but that is because of who she is.  My mother had the most hilarious reaction: “oh good job!” said with the most sarcasm I have ever heard.  They decided to leave in their wedding attire.  Des said she “actually felt like a newlywed!”  My mother responded with “oh you are so full of hot air!”  Mom makes this show 10x better.   ABC got them access to the Hollywood sign.  Brooks is wearing a backpack?? We think it might have the food in it?  ABC gets kudos for the cool date idea.  Why on earth did ABC do a shot of their shoes from below?  I don’t care what their shoe soles look like.  I’m gonna be honest.  I still don’t like his hair.   Oh there it is, the classic question: are you open to love?  Who in their right mind is going to say no?  Especially on this show! Des said that she is so glad that Brooks went through a similar situation because that means that when he falls in love he falls in love for real.  Brooks thinks that this could be the first kiss that he has with the person he will spend the rest of his life with.  Um, statistically, that’s not looking good for you. 

Des got them “lost.”  Brooks is nervous because they are in a shady area…and he LOOKS it.  She wants to drive down a closed road.  He is like “let’s NOT do that.”  He is so nervous and says that the first thing you see is graffiti on all the walls.  Who knew a guy would get so jumpy from a deserted road.  I say it’s a joke/planned party.  Oh, I win.  Boom town.  Interesting…Brooks seems to get emotional like a woman.  He is so impressed by this bridge dinner for two.  He has TEARS in his eyes.  I understand that some women want a sensitive guy like that…but I’m going to pass.  Brooks looks like he is going to cry through the whole conversation.  One of the girls in our house thinks that he “just has a natural glisten to his eyes.”  Des asked him about what he wants in relationships and he hesitated a little too much.  He goes on to say what he wants in life and he is totally getting a rose.  He talked about his struggles with his family after his parents’ divorce.  Kudos to him for sharing that immediately because he is not just telling Des, he is telling all of America…or at least the female population.

Dan, Juan Pablo, hashtag, James, Zack, Ben, Shirtless Wonder, Brandon, Brian, Michael, Mikey, Jake 2.0, Nick M and Will get the group date. 

Brooks is completely blown away by the date and dun dun dun dun dun DUN! He gets the rose, as predicted.  Are you kidding me ABC?  Now there is a live concert!? They dance on a Persian rug that is in the middle of the road…because dancing on asphalt is WAY too hard.  Des & Brooks try to sing along but they are completely off key.  Stop!  Oh good.  Slow dancing and making out.  Chris Harrison will be so pleased.  Brooks likes that Des knows what she wants…and that she is sexy.  Des doesn’t know how it could get better than this.  I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this season without shooting myself.  Between these two we are going to have more cheese than a dairy factory. 

Group Date
Des is “just so excited!” She has never “had” to juggle 14 men before in her life!  The date card said “are you here for the right reasons?” The guys have no idea what this means for the date.  Apparently this means they are making a rap video! With Soulja Boy!  Des takes falling in love seriously… and she takes rap videos very seriously.  Hastag Kasey is excited.  Soulja Boy got greeted by the Superman dance.  The video is called “For the Right Reasons.”  The guys try to rap and James fails epically.  Jake 2.0 also can’t dance.  Oh, but Will might be worse.  Brandon has some crazy short shorts on.  The guys are totally avoiding him. 

Oh my gosh.  Their lyrics are based on past contestants! Oh ABC you are clever, oh so clever.  This is going to be EPIC.  You can watch the whole video by going to ABC’swebsite.  Ben is portraying Wes with the guitar and everything! Mikey keeps trying to distract Ben. He’s being kind of a jerk.  Des tells Ben that he is a rapper now.  She says they are all hot and have great personalities.  She says that it’s so great to see personality and looks combine.  Really?  You don’t even know them yet!  And on top of that, most of them are portraying previous contestants…are you really sure you are seeing their personalities?? Hmm? James is Rated R, the wrestler.  It’s so great the way that they are making fun of other people.  Oh the Mesnick is so great.   Oh no, Brandon has to shake his junk at her.  The guys are making fun of him the entire time.  He looks so uncomfortable.  Poor guy…he was falling out of that pair of underwear.  Des said that Brandon “really brought it.”  Really?  I think you could have said something else. 

From what Des has seen today there are A LOT of guys who are marriage material.  All you have seen are hot guys.  Wow! Shirtless Wonder owns clothes!  Des thinks that he has a great smile.  He says that thoughtfulness is key, and brings her a present.  He got her an antique journal that has never been written in, but has a really cool inscription from a father to his daughter.  I think he just purchased himself a rose with a journal.  Des just said that when she first met him he was “a shirtless man” and with this journal he just showed that he is here for the right reasons.  Well played, Shirtless Wonder, well played.  Oh no! Brandon just equated Des to a butterfly and how you can’t hold them too tight or you will squish them.  Gross metaphor.

Ben is already ticking the guys in the house off.  James isn’t sure if he is there for the right reasons and his intuition says that he is not.  Ben is pulling out the kid card and waving it around like a banner.  I’m pretty sure that he is going to try to ride the kid train all the way to a rose.  I just don’t understand how he could have a kid with his best friend, still be best friends, and yet, somehow, only be friends.  EW. They are kissing and it sounds so gross. 
Brandon sees them kissing and it is just “so hard” cause she’s great and he really likes her.    Oh really?  You’ve known her for 24 hours and you say you have strong feelings for her?  You weren’t even together for half of that!

Michael wants to assure Des that he is there for the “right reasons” and he will step up if anyone else is here for the “wrong reasons.”  He tells Des that he will have her back.  Sweet.  He pretty much just announced he will be a future snitch.

Cut to Mikey still steaming about Ben swooping in and taking Des away from him.  Oh good, the guys back him up and Mikey is going in for confrontation!  I like that he is addressing it right away because that is good TV.  I bet Chris Harrison is happy too.  Ben doesn’t want tension in the house.  He is not worried about the other guys and he says that he won’t ever stab Mikey in the back.  Lies.  All kinds of lies.  He even compliments Mikey’s shoes and they are probably buds now.

Bryden, aka Military Man, gets the next one-on-one.  I like him.  He has a nice smile and he seems like a good guy. 

Oh no.  Brandon says he needs to be more aggressive about things…and he swoops in and takes her from Jake 2.0.  He seems a little desperate.  He was born.  Thanks captain obvious.  He has a mom and dad like she did.  Again, unnecessary comments.  Oh.  Psych. It’s a sob story.  This seems early to be this transparent.  This is a very transparent season.  Apparently making a rap music video titled “The Right Reasons” makes all the guys get really serious really fast.  He says that he wants to love her and come home to her.  Des is eating this up.  Brandon has “fallen in like” with her.  He didn’t expect it.  Then why did you come on the show?  While I appreciate that he didn’t say he had fallen in love with her, why on earth did he say that he didn’t expect to fall for Des?  It’s the whole reason you came on the show! ...or it should be, you know, if you were coming “for the right reasons.” 

Des sits down with the guys to give out the rose.  Ben got the rose.  Looks like he rode the kid train all the way to the rose station.  Brandon doesn’t think Ben is the front runner or better than him.  Except he kind of is the front runner…Ben jokes that he is going to have to sleep with one eye open tonight. Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! 

One-on-One #2
Des is looking forward to her road trip with Bryden.  They talk about travel and road trips.  They stop to get some snacks at a convenience store.  Des is so excited to show him California because he has never been there before.  California embodies everything that Des is…which parts of California exactly?  Disney?  The beach? The drug addicts?  The redwoods?  Failed hopes and dreams of hundreds of want to be actors?
Their first stop is the beach.  Des tries to fly a kite and fails miserably, but on the bright side, Bryden thought it was cute.  Stop number two is an orange grove.  She asks him if he likes Brie…and he doesn’t know what it is! That’s adorable!  I like him a lot.  He is my front runner.  The last stop is a fancy-shmancy hotel. They have supper under huge tree that has lights dangling from the branches.  Des says that she felt like a little kid when she hung out the Bryden.  Bryden tells Des a deep story.  At least his story is more organic than Brandon’s.  Hahahaha.  He brought pictures! He actually thought ahead to bring pictures!  They seem to be having a good date.  Des looks interested in him.  He said that the military used to be his scape goat to keep him from getting close to people.  She asked him if it was still his scape goat.  He said no…and Des made a really odd face.  Her eyes widened in almost fright….  He got the rose for opening up.  Nice timing ABC.  They put a shot of Bryden taking off his shirt for the hot tub to Des’ talking head saying that they had chemistry.  Once they were in the hot tub it got real awkward, real fast.   He wanted to kiss her, but he was so shy.  Hahahaha! Des had to tell him to kiss her already.  He is so cute.  A little awkward, but cute.

Cocktail Party!
The guys are super serious.  There is tension in the room.  Hahaha.  Someone tweeted that they think the guy’s cycles synched up!  That’s fantastic.  Ben, Brooks, and Bryden are safe.  Apparently it’s a good sign if your name starts with a ‘b.’ Ben is so happy and so giddy.   Michael decides to tell Des that he has type 1 diabetes.  He wants her to know that it is serious and that it can be life threatening.  Yes. It can be.  My dad has that, but I don’t think it is as much of a deal breaker as he is worried it might be.  Yes, you need to watch your blood sugar and be proactive, but it is manageable.  But, before he can finish his story, Ben STEALS HER AWAY.  Dude already has a rose.  That is THE WORST…and Mikey is super ticked now.  Michael goes and tells all the guys what Ben just did.  Ben freaking stole her away to make out with her.  Des is a total jerk for letting him.  She should have told Ben to leave because he already had a rose.  All the guys are confronting him about how much of a tool he was to Michael.  I think Ben is the new Bentley from Ashely’s season.  Mikey is getting all kind of riled.  Michael is getting all riled.  Michael confronts Ben and guess who shows up: Mikey.  Ben is trying to defend himself, but he’s not doing a good job…cause there is really not a good excuse for being a tool.  But their argument did lead to some prime quotes—Ben: “You can say what you want.” Michael: “Well, I did!” & Michael: “I’m surprised he didn’t have his son come and interrupt us.”  James keeps telling them that Des will figure it out, she will be able to tell who is there “for the right reasons.”   Who knows maybe his intuition will be right on this too…and maybe this year’s theme will be “right reasons.”  Ooh! The rap they made could be the theme song like Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose” or Wes’ “Love Don’t Come Easy,” right?!?!

I wonder if they put the bachelorettes in low cut dresses, that will give no kind of shelter from the cold, to see if the guys will offer their jackets.  I feel like it could be a drinking game. 

Brian’s shiny forehead is really distracting.  I literally have no idea what he talked about.  Is it his gel leaking out of his hair?  And why is one eyebrow constantly higher than the other?  I’m pretty sure that I unintentionally raised my eyebrow to match his while he was talking.  I wonder if he will get a rose…his name does start with a ‘b.’

Chris Harrison takes drama as a good sign of the guys taking this seriously.  I think he is really taking it as a good sign of ratings.  Jake 2.0 is grinning like a buffoon.  He’s adorable, but that is ridiculous.  Des says that so many of them are “amazing husband material.”  I think this might be code for “amazing abs material.” I think Shirtless Wonder would agree.

James and his intuition got a rose.  Hashtag got a rose, but thankfully quit saying hashtag for this episode.  Dan, who I don’t remember at all, got a rose.  Juan Pablo gets a Spanish rose.  Brad, who did not get a date this week, got a rose.  Chris, another dateless man, got a rose.  Brian and his shiny face got a rose.  Told you.  ‘B’s do well.  Shirtless Wonder got a rose.  Jake 2.0 got a rose.  Mikey actually got a rose.  The drama lives on!  Zack gets a rose.  Michael gets a rose.  Good. Now he can finish his story.  Brandon gets the final rose.  He looked like he was going to faint.

Will, Robert, and Nick go home.  Will says some very nice things and thinks that he put himself into the friend zone.  Robert didn’t see this coming.  Oh honey, no one does; yet, it is the fate of many.  Nick feels pretty rejected.  Um, you were.  So good job on naming an accurate feeling. 

Des appreciates all of them and makes a toast to “the right reasons.”  Ew.

Previews say so many great things.  Ben keeps getting told that people don’t like getting lied to.  Someone is a “lying, cheating, deceitful pig!”  Oh good.  I hope its Ben.

The music video.  Oh, it’s so bad.  But good job to ABC for making Ben play another tool named Wes.

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