Monday, May 27, 2013

Bachelorette: Des Edition!

Welcome to the Bachelorette: Des Edition!

She’s hopeful! She’s living in a dream! She’s headed for heartbreak!

A car slowly pulls up to a pretty house…and the hood is popped!  

Des comes from a good family…and she cried cause she’s so happy??  The question in our house is this: does Chris have a new nose???  But why would you give yourself a beak nose?  Did he break it??  Did he get a new affinity for birds?

We were pulled back to the show by the Sean-broke-my-heart montage.  No worries people.  ABC gave her a cute blue convertible.  All is forgiven.  ‘Give her love and she’s happy.’  Love is apparently synonymous with a convertible.  Des wants to give her heart to someone that she knows won’t break it…WHY ARE YOU ON THIS SHOW?  That is definitely not going to happen here. 

Des says tonight, everything is going to change.  She’s like Cinderella! Except she’s not.  Cause Cinderella did NOT have 25 guys waiting to get a rose from her. 

Chris is excited that Des will kiss a guy if she wants to kiss a guy.  She wants a man.  Apparently Chris thinks her problem on the Bachelor was holding back and she won’t make that mistake again.  The people in my house were unaware that she had held back last season.  “Does your fairy tale have a happy ending?” Wow Chris.  Thanks for the stupid questions.  And unanswerable ones.  How can she tell the future? Thankfully, Chris and his new beak are leaving Des alone to get ready.

Des gets ready and is crying again because she’s got her fairy tale.  If there is this much crying BEFORE the drama, what does that mean when the inevitable dramatic storm hits?  Previews tell us that someone has a girlfriend back home.  My gut says that this will cause an all-out breakdown. 

*Let’s get a preview of a couple of the guys!

Bryden was in the military.  His montage is all about him and his gun….and boots.  He’s ready for a serious relationship. They used his dog as a metaphor for his loyalty and love.  He shall be known as military man!

Will does sauna yoga and he gives out free hi fives to people who do not look like they want it.

It’s Drew or as we shall call him Jake 2.0!  Wow Jake 2.0 is already pulling out the hard family back story.  He knows he’s ready for love.  Des is genuine and he thinks she could be the one.

Wow. We got a mobster look-a-like in Nick R.  Oh it’s glorious! He is a tailor/ magician.  He can make his own capes! He wants Des to be his magician assistant….creepy.  Someone tweeted “being a magician assistant is definitely my idea of true love”  hahah…oh I love how everyone can make fun of people’s delusional ideas of what love is.  I definitely don’t think Foreigner was talking about magic shows when they wrote “I Want To Know What Love Is”  and I don’t think it’s what Des is thinking about either.

Zak W.  welcomes us to the hill country by jumping into the water in swimming trunks and SOCKS.  He also stands on his deck naked. 

Robert “invented” sign spinning.  I don’t know how that works.  He hopefully will turn out to be One F Jeff 2.0.  There is a skateboard, there is a business, there’s some perfectly aligned hair….my chances of this dream coming true are very good.

Mike is a creepy dental student.  He was born and raised in England.  Yet, he doesn’t have the accent…and he realizes that this makes him 30% less attractive.  Yes. Yes it does.

Brandon is a wake boarding junky.  He also pulls out the sad backstory.  ‘Life’s waters have been a little choppy.’  He just wants to be loved.  While he seems really sad about it, he has shared his entire sad story with 100% less tears than Des shared her happy one. 

On to the limos!

Des is so excited to meet the men!  She is definitely ready to be the belle of the ball…again…you are NOT Cinderella.  She is super sparkly.  Shine bright like a diamond! ...cause you want one! The guys are ooing, awing, and clapping in the limo. First man up is Jake 2.0!  She thinks he’s adorable.  He just keeps looking her over and they are excited to get to know each other.  She smirks and does the mmm mmm mmm.

Unfortunately, we missed some people because of a weather report… I’m sure one of them will get a rose and I’ll be like who is THAT? Now we’re back with Michael the lawyer.  He is trying to find her a penny that has been thrown in the well to give her a shot at love again.  I’m guessing this is supposed to be a la When In Rome.  He doesn’t find one and gives her a new penny to throw into the fountain for a shot at love.

Kasey looks like a NERD. And if he mentions hashtags all the time I will personally start a hunting party.

Will is nicknaming Des…Athena…the goddess of wisdom…and literally everything else: including math.  Athena is literally the goddess of everything…war, wisdom, love, math, courage, inspiration, civilization, law, justice, strength, strategy, crafts, skill, and the arts. Does that mean Des is everything?

Mikey…I remember nothing of what you said.

Jonathan brought Des a letter that says that she can elect to go with him to the fantasy suite.  She passes.  Good move cause he was a CREEPER.  Note: never give a girl a note saying you can go to a fantasy suite when it is the first time you meet her. The. Very. First. Time. You. Meet.  DON’T do that. Ever.

Zak W. is introducing Des to the hill country…of his abs.  They are legitimately impressive.   One of the other guys exclaimed “Dear God what is that guy’s shirt doing off?!?!” haha.  This is why I love the bachelorette.  The guys make The. Best. Comments.

James is the only guy to answer the “what if I get fat” question right.  This makes me like him even though he was kind of awkward.

Larry is teaching Des a dance move….but he messes up AND her dress got caught.  ABC wants you to know this was creepy by playing appropriately creepy music. 

THE MAGICIAN! He burns things! He gives secret roses! He is someone strange!

Zach K. is wearing converse.  He says basically nothing.

Oh the knight in shining armor is here…and he looks like he’s in pain.  Diogo is his name-o!  Des does not like the outfit.  And by his face, Diogo looks like he wishes he hadn't gone that route.   Jonathan thinks that going as a “shining knight in armor” is trying too hard.  That’s right. Diogo went as a shining knight in armor…not a knight in shining armor.  Thanks for the clarification Jonathan.  Michael G. says there is a lot of craziness in the house right now from the “crazy stripper guy, to the full armor, to the guy trying to do magic.”  My favorite comment was from the guy who told Diogo to “stay away from the water cause you probably won’t float.”

Chris and his beak nose are talking to Des about guys without shirts and guys in armor.  But that’s only the first 15! There are 10 more chance for crazy!

Chris (not our host with the beak, but an actual contestant) is getting down on one knee and he asks if he can tie his shoe.  We are all fans of his purple socks.  She says “funny” as Chris walks away but her tone says no.

It’s the dentist…he wore his coat to be “McSteamy” for her tonight.  Ew. Just…ew.

Robert is going to throw away his tie.  I still have hopes of him being One F Jeff 2.0

Juan Pablo from Venezuela. They spent half of their time trying to say his name. 

There is a guy on a motorcycle!  Brandon kinda reminds us of Kasey of Kasey and Vienna on Bachelor Pad.

Velveteen Rabbit …why? Why?

Micah designed his own outfit…and its’ AWFUL.   Des thinks she’ll do the sewing.

Nik M.  wrote a very cheesy note to Des. 

Dan looks like the Ken doll came to life! His face is …plastic-y.

There is an adorable little kid who came with his dad!  He is so cute! Ben is his dad.  I was a little nervous that he brought his kid but I am relieved that he sent the kid back before entering the house.  And Des TOTALLY fell for it.

Chris wants Des to get ready for the night of her life! Well of course it will be…there is a magician inside! …somehow she is blown away by all of them….Chris wants her to know that she can give out the roses whenever she wants to…just like Sean….I’m so glad we will take every opportunity to remind her that Sean didn’t pick her. 

Now to mingle!

If Kasey says one more hashtag comment he will be #dead.

Good news! The Magician has a trick up his sleeve! He is going to make Des disappear…by walking her out of the room.  Larry is super disappointed because he actually wanted to see a magic trick.  I like his comments.  I hope he stays around if he is going to have good comedic timing like that. 

Brandon gives her a coin from his mother who is 7 years sober.  He wants her to give it back to his mom at hometowns.  I want her to give it back before she sends him home.  One of the girls in our house hopes she uses it to flip for if he stays or if he goes.

We are also wondering what the shirtless guy would do if he got a rose…there is nowhere to put it.

We’re just two friends who had a kid together???  Ben what are you saying?  Yet, Des and Ben have a connection.  They both love camping.  Looks like Des is going to follow in the footsteps of the one who broke her heart and give out the roses whenever she wanted.  She goes to get him a rose and the guys are freaking out!  “How many are there?”  “One less.”  Wow, thanks captain obvious.Word is spreading that Ben has a rose...and Larry hates him.  Have I said that I like Larry’s comments?

Des finds it so flattering how the guys are trying to get her attention.  The guys are calling the Zak the “shirtless wonder.”  He jumps into the pool and Des walks away with another guy.  She was taken by hashtag guy.  Yet, Shirtless Wonder gets a rose.  I love that Des says that she doesn’t know where to put it.  She ends up attaching it to his belt.  Which brings our house to the question: where is his microphone?

Military man is talking about his dog or as I like to call her military man’s metaphor.  He tells a cute story about his time working with a boy in Iraq.  He gets a rose.  I like him.  He gets my vote.

Juan Pablo also gets the mmm mmm mmm from Des.  Who else thinks he'll be around for a while? They are going to try playing soccer.  She thinks he is ‘a dream of a man.’  All the guys start playing soccer too because they REALLY want roses. 

Jake 2.0 is getting nervous and he wants time with her.  Des is giving Jake 2.0 a rose because he is so cute and nervous.

Larry is getting very nervous cause their dancing was bad and he knows it.  He wants to talk about “the dip.”  Wording it like this was not a good choice because Des had no idea what he meant.  He just says things so creepily….he also mentioned Sean.  Stop it.  It’s a bad plan.  He looks bored. Des asks him if he’s sleepy cause he looks like he’s yawning.  He also took his glasses off and put them back on multiple times.  I wonder if he thinks this would be attractive??

Jonathan does “bold things” …he is also the fantasy suite guy.  We think he is drunk.  Larry says that having “fantasy suite guy” around makes him feel good cause then he’s not the worst first impression.  Jonathan sounds like a date rapist.  He says that he is better than her last boyfriend.  Yeah…bring up Sean.  That’s a good idea.  Well, he did say he does bold things.  Mentioning someone’s ex on the first “date” is bold.  Des is handling it fairly well.  I think he is scary.  Oh no.  He has a “very large love tank” and he wants to steal her for a second conversation.  Des looks skittish.  When Jonathan mentions the fantasy suite again Des kicked him out.  Bravo!  Unfortunately, this means that Larry has the worst first impression now.

Chris and his beak unnecessarily inform the guys of how the rose ceremony works. Des thanks them for being here today…unfortunately she does not give them the wave of royalty that Julie Andrews taught us.
Brandon is the first man saved of those who don’t already have roses…I literally cannot remember anything about him.  Zack K and his chucks get a rose!  Will and his unwanted high fives gets a rose.  There are shots of the guys gulping and Brooks gets a rose.  Juan Pablo gets a rose.  Not surprised.  We wish he would have said yes in Spanish.  Brad also gets a rose.  Kasey gets a rose #dangit.  James gets a rose.  Robert, the inventor of sign spinning, gets a rose.  Bryan the velveteen rabbit gets a rose.  Dan, aka Ken doll, gets a plastic rose.  The magician has the creepiest waiting face.  Chris gets a rose.  All the guys left look like they are going to cry.  We think it’s from Des’ sparkly dress.  It’s probably blinding them.  Mikey gets the last rose. 

Larry is disappointed that he is not going to continue this journey.  Me too.  I’ll miss his comments.  He still regrets “the dip” and he apparently practiced it 50 times.  Of the 50 people he dipped ‘only, maybe 2 had a problem’.  Poor guy. 

Nick R. thinks that Des made a mistake.  He just cares a lot.  But I think he shouldn't have tried so much magic…

Diogo did not get anywhere with the shining armor.  He was willing to put on the suit…but it didn’t get him anywhere.  He has “an explosion of feelings and love.”  He is so sad.  I like his tie.  He should have just got with that.  I guess Diogo was a no-go.

Clorox is presenting “bachelorette bleach-able moments”  WHAT???? I’m impressed and disturbed that another company is openly advertising that there are some things that just go horribly wrong on this show.

Des feels like this life is a fairy tale.  Far off places, punches!, tears, and someone has a secret girlfriend.  Looks exciting….and tear filled.  Seriously tear filled.  Like this season may break records in the tear department.  There was straight up male sobbing.  Des never thought this could happen.  Again, do you know which show you are on? 

Le Bloopers: Oh good.  Larry did get his magic trick after all.  Will cannot believe that the magician actually had a job as a magician.  Larry was impressed.  I’m so glad he got his wish after all.  


  1. You are hilarious. That is all.

  2. OH EM GEE!!! Your sister came to my blog and sent me here to read this and I ditto her comment. You're absolutely hilarious!!! I love this and am going to follow you through the bachelorette season. I haven't laughed so hard in a long while.