Le Bachelor

Alright everybody—it’s Bachelor time!  Sean is the Bachelor, which honestly disappointed me.   He is great and I loved how he handled everything on Emily’s season.  However, every guy that I have liked on the Bachelorette has turned into an idiot when he became the Bachelor.  So we’ll see how things go.  Here’s to hoping he chooses wisely unlike Ben and Jake. 

For starters the montages at the beginning of the episodes are ridiculous.  I am so glad to know that Sean thinks about the possibility of a future wife while he’s in the shower…cause that makes it SO much better….(insert a sarcastic face here)

One-armed Sarah gets the first date.  She seems to be stuck on the fact that she was born without two complete arms.  In my dorm we are wondering how she puts her hair into a ponytail with only one hand.  But more to the point: we know you only have 1.5 arms and you don’t need to mention it constantly.  Also, you are probably secure until he talks to you for more than 10 minutes because he would look super shallow if he kick off a handy capped person.  Sarah is currently in the running for the most ridiculous comments of the day with: “My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.”

On the date:

      Sean is attracted to Sarah because she told him about why her arm is not…complete.  So, they are on the top of a building…in my dorm we are hoping that they will make the one armed girl repel down the side of a building.  Also, we think the crew is doing her hair for her.  Oh good, they are doing a free fall (with cameras attached to their heads, naturally).   Sean is super pumped that they made it all the way down.  Sarah is super impressed that Sean took extra time to make sure she was okay.  Did you watch the last season?  He’s a GENTLEMAN.  Don’t read into that….it will end poorly for you.  Sarah wants to share how profound jumping off a building is.  Ladies and gents, sit down for a story, a zip-lining story.  Sarah could not go zip-lining because she had a disability (camera close up of her stump, again).  Ergo, Sarah appreciates that Sean thought she could free fall off the side of a building.  She wants a man who can handle all of her troubles.  She needs a strong man.  With that Sean made his first submission to the stupid comments competition: “I do consider myself a man.” 

      Sarah is hoping for the rose…my money is on her getting it.  Oh look, she did.  She is “shocked” and excited.  Sean is blown away.  Supposedly they have a good connection….I don’t see it.  Sean says it has been a while since he’s wanted a first kiss so bad.  I’m calling’ crap on that one.  Oh no! Sarah says she’s already falling in love with Sean.

Group date has 13 girls.  THIRTEEN! That is way too many people.  Also, ABC has pulled out their classic ploy of a photo shoot or movie making.  Oh the jealousies that will come into play.  Tierra, or as my dorm calls her, Cra-Cra Tierra, is going to have a mental break by the end of the season.  I’m calling it now: Cra-Cra Tierra will be this season’s psycho.  Oh gosh, Sean is doing the prince on the balcony pose.  The girls are running to him.  RUNNING.  Kacie B is funny: “This is my first group date on this season of the Bachelor.”  I’m glad she’s back and that she can poke fun at the peculiarity of her situation.  It’s a book cover photo shoot.  This is dumb.  For realz.  Kristy is VERY excited.  She squealed; she jumped; she stroked Sean’s stomach.  Tierra is going to flip.   Tierra is also very proud of the fact that she does not have extensions, like other people.  She is already being labeled the fake girl. 

       For the photos there are 4 categories: Cowgirl, Vampire, Sexy and, Historical.  Sean likes Lesley M.’s sexy side.  He’s seeing a “new side of her.”  The photographer told Sean and Lesley M. to kiss.  All 12 other girls are ticked, Tierra especially.  She has crazy eyes and they are trained on Lesley M.  This should be interesting.  Kristy brought her A game.  Tierra is looking even crazier.  Kristy and her A game took home the prize.  Being a model definitely paid off. 

Pool party

It is interesting that no one is wearing swimsuits at a pool party.  Sean steals Lesley M. first.  They are obviously into each other.  Sean wants the real reason she’s here.  She says that honestly, she is here “for love” and that she was not going to tell him, but it’s true.  Sean wants to kiss her, but she gets nervous and they have awkward tension…which he finds attractive?  Her body language is bad.  Very bad. At one point she said that she would like to keep staring, as long he would let her.    Lesley M. looses Sean to Kristy, but she steals him back to kiss him.  Then they proceed to make out a little bit.  My dorm is calling that a bad save.  He probably liked it, but I think it was weird. 

Kacie B and Sean sit down to chat.  She admits that they have done events together before.  She even tells him that she likes him.  He is excited that she is there.  She asks if he wants to move from friend zone to the possible girlfriend pile.  His face was not good.  I completely thought she was going home.  He did a very awkward save with a there is more we can get to know about to each other and we should explore.  Kacie is happy, and yet I am not sure she’ll make it very far.  At least she has some idea of who Sean actually is.   And if she says she’s falling for him, I won’t scream.

Catherine gave her entry for stupid comment: “I’m a vegan, but I like the beef.”  Sean is the beef and she just thought that he should hear it from her.

Selma likes how Sean says “My wife.”  Selma has too much blush.  Tierra is eating like it is going out of style.  She is also half off of the couch she is “sitting” on.  Tierra is here because Sean blew her away on Emily’s season.  This is hard for her, but she is perusing him because he’s awesome.  He says that he can see her genuine heart and he wants her to hang around.  Cra-cra feels a connection, maybe he’ll keep her around for forever.  Am I the only one who is picturing him locked in her cellar?  

Katie feels as uncomfortable as her giant hair.  She is grilling Kacie B. for information about how it was last time around.  Kacie B. is hoping that she’ll leave.  Sean and Katie are chatting.  I’m hoping he won’t talk her into staying.  Let big hair leave.  Wow.  He did not even try to have her stay.  Cue all the girls talking about how it was the right thing for Katie to leave and how if you aren’t here for Sean, then leave.  Kacie B. get’s the rose! Hurray!  She is my favorite right now… but not Tierra’s. 

Desiree gets the other one-on-one. 

Sean wants to pull a “somewhat innocent prank” on Desiree because he wants a girl that can laugh.  He thinks that making Desiree think that she broke an expensive piece of art will be funny.  He wants to see how she reacts in uncomfortable situations….on national television.  This is probably the best example I’ve ever had for guys and girls sense of humor being different.  I already feel bad for this girl.  Her date card even said “Love is priceless.”  Mean, mean prank.  Sean is doing this to someone that he described as sweet and personable.  Sean is feeling bad already and all I can say is GOOD.  Stupid boy.  Chris is super excited for this; he can’t stop grinning.  Sean is not looking quite so good.  Sean says that he is a bad person, Chris agrees, while smiling.  Chris is laughing like a little kid.  Sean leaves her alone and the artwork fell.  That poor girl.  The fake artist asks who is going to pay for this.  She should have said ABC!  Desiree handled it really well.  Sean was impressed.  *My dorm has been taking note of how Sean has been holding hands with the girls.  Desiree got the interlocking fingers, One-armed Sarah did not.* Sean takes Desiree back to his place to feed her steak and to chat.  Background time!  Cue everyone talking about their great parents and how they want love.  Sean likes her a lot.  They are holding hands on the couch.  *Desiree is winning in the hand holding department.  Every time they interlock fingers.* 

Sean keeps saying innocent things that are just not worded well. 

Example “I think she’s feeling me, and I’m feeling her.”  Meant innocently, sounds dirty. 

Sean is very patriotic with his swim trunks.  But they are really tight, which makes his innocent comment of “you’ve seen 100% of me” really awkward.

Desiree feels like they are boyfriend and girlfriend and Sean is already calling her “Dez.”  She may have just danced her way into first place.

Rose Ceremony!

There are people that I don’t even recognize that are bitching to the camera.  Lindsay, the substitute teacher or drunk bride from last week, is wearing a skunk for a dress.  A bedazzled skunk.  Apparently she was an army brat.  They are talking about their families and how they want to marry their best friend.  Blah, blah, blah.  I know that they need to get this info out of the way, but America is bored!  (Or at least this dorm lounge is). 

Sean doesn’t know what to do about liking many people.  He’s just so humble (which was last week’s favorite word.  Seriously, we started yelling at the TV every time Sean said he was humbled by this opportunity.)

Amanda the banana looks like she is going to start cutting people.  Everyone is confused by her and scarred of her.  “Tonight is a tornado of negativity, about to happen.” I missed who said that, but it will enter the stupid comment competition under anonymous blond girl.  Amanda the banana found coffee!  And for the first time ever, I have seen someone glare at the world while drinking coffee.  Usually coffee makes people happier, and I should know, I’m a barista. 

Sean is happy that the Robyn asks if he likes black chicks.  He says he doesn't have a type.  He said that it did not matter physically.  He’d be okay with dating Hispanic or Persian…neither of which are black… (Persian?  Really?  What makes you pick that as one of the two ethnicities that you name?)

Also, why are there no fat chicks?  Physical appearance doesn't matter?  Where are the chubby people?  Where are the cute, but not drop dead gorgeous girls?  Where are the glasses?

Amanda banana is brought back from the dead by the presence of Sean.  Interestingly enough, I did not recognize her until she started talking to Sean.  That’s how different she acted.  The girls are all against Banana Amanda and her horrifying rose-shaped cap sleeves.  Those cap sleeves are truly terrifying.  They look like they are trying eat her face. 

Ew. He kept Amanda banana and the scariest cap sleeves I have ever beheld. 

Brooke and Diana went home.  I don’t remember them at all.

Brooke says that love was "just not here."  Sean sent Diana home because he did not want to keep her away from her kids if he didn't see something long term.  That was very kind of him.  That slightly redeems him for the prank earlier in the night. 

Next week: We look forward to roller coasters, confetti in the air, longest on screen kiss, and making out with multiple people.  Also, Cra-cra may take a ride in an ambulance.

Until next time, Singing Barista