Monday, July 8, 2013

Bachelorette Week 7...the most boring week of all

The Bachelorette: Des Edition Week 7

They arrive at Madeira Island on a pretty sweet boat.  “Everything about it sets the tone for romance.”  Oh give me a break.  Shirtless Wonder says that they are in a dream world…a hidden pearl in the Atlantic.  They were all surprised and awed by the fish…in the ocean….the fish…in the ocean!

Apparently the guys had to wear blues or purples and Michael is wearing the team hoodie.  Hometowns have also been dubbed “the elephant in the room.”  Again, ABC set the guys up in an amazing hotel.  Jake 2.0 said that if you can’t fall in love here you are probably dead…because it was built for love.

Des has some friends from last season come to give her some feedback on the guys that are left.  I’m actually surprised that she had Catherine come…oh all the guys are showing up at the pool.  The girls start looking at the guys through binoculars.  Des rates Jake 2.0 as the best kisser and best body.  Brooks gets best eyes and Shirtless Wonder gets the most adventurous. 

We are a little worried for how entertaining this show will be…it doesn’t bode well that they brought in the girls to spice things up.  They were not even that entertaining.  But how can you top the drama of the past couple of weeks? 

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, CHRIS HARRISON DID NOT COME TELL US STUPID THINGS!  This means that we won’t know what kind of dates are happening until the cards come…oh the intrigue!

One-on-One #1

Brooks is going on his second one-on-one.  They head off in a tiny smart car. Chris the Poet is mildly worried about the connection that Brooks and Des have. Brooks asks where they are going and Des said “I’m taking you on a trip.”  Wow.  Thanks Sherlock.  They stop at this cliff and gaze out at the ocean.  Brooks is excited and nervous for more alone time with Des.  Their car looks like a toy car compared to the other cars on the road.  They talk about making up words.  They need one that is in between ‘like’ and ‘love.’  Des said that this ride was ‘really cool’ kind of like the SNL Miley Cyrus sketch.  So far, their date has only been riding in a smart car….that can’t accelerate.  The camera car was losing them, on accident, while they drove up an incline.  Oh they finally stopped somewhere.  Books thought it would be a cool conversation to have if they would figure out their lives together.  To be honest, they are super boring.  I am having the hardest time keeping track of what is going on because I am so bored.  They are sitting on a rocky clearing.  They are getting surrounded by clouds.  They tell each other silly things like “I’m glad to be stuck in cloud nine with you.” Eck.  They are gross, yet repetitive.  Des remarks that we need to take our best dream, multiply it by ten, and then live in it and that is her life.  We think her dreams are sad if this is the best dream times ten.  Hahaha.  My sister said she thinks Des must dream of vacuums and goldfish.

Date card is here!  They don’t know what kind of date it is for.  Chris the Poet gets a one-on-one. 

Back with Des and Brooks, I am bored within 10 seconds of seeing their faces again.  What is Brooks’ sweater?  It’s like history teacher boring.  Des looks bored and Brooks looks weepy.  He is talking about how important her meeting his family is to him.  She echoes his statements…as usual.  Des has worked out some adjectives for them to use.  She came up with stepping, skipping, jogging, running, and finish line.  She said that she was running.  Brooks liked that but seemed surprised.  In his talking head, he is not as far on his emotional process as running.  Interesting.  This week, instead of a private concert, they get a fireworks show.  Des says that she loves fireworks and when she kisses Brooks she feels them.  I don’t think he is the same way….

One-on-One #2

Chris the Poet is really really really excited.  All of the guys watch them leave and yell down at them.   Brooks remarks that he is glad that Chris is not holding her hand….and Chris instantly grabs her hand. One of the guys joked that he is going to break that hand.  They are going boating.  Jake 2.0 is super jealous of this date.  On the boat, Des makes the most annoying “bwaaaaaaaaeeeeehhhh” noise EVER.  She also has no original opinions.  Chris deems this cool and Des parrots that thought two seconds later.  Des says that they have the physical part down.

Michael is going to get a one-on-one!  He is the only guy who hasn’t had one yet.  That means that Jake 2.0 and Shirtless Wonder will get the two-on-one.

Chris the Poet and Des stop at an Island to have a picnic.  Des asks Chris if the Chris she gets is the same that his friends get.  He says 100%.  She is “so glad” that this is the case.  I am so glad that we are just taking people’s word for this…there is no one else to back that up.  Chris is so glad that no one else will have these memories….except the camera men that are there filming them.  Des wants a man who is athletic, yet has a sensitive side.  Good job, you described the ideal man!  She says that she is glad that she can share this day with Chris.  They write a poem together to put as a message in a bottle.  Des says that she needs to put a cork in it…referring to the bottle, but it would be nice if she put one in her mouth too.  They threw it into the ocean.  I hope that it gets dashed on the rocks.  I still think he is going to win…thought so ever since he first read her some poetry.  Chris’ talking head says that if the timing is right, he will tell her that he loves her.  Whenever someone says that, they say it with or without the right timing.  Des wants to toast Chris for being wonderful and supportive.  She says that she is getting to know him and that it is growing.  Your knowing is growing??  Chris asks Des how big of a family she wants.  She wants a tight knit family…what does that mean?  That’s not a number.  Oh she says she doesn’t have a number on it…and immediately follows it up with the numbers 3 & 4.  Hahaha.  Chris starts getting fidgety and sweaty because he wants to tell her that he loves her and he is soooo nervous.  It’s adorable.  Chris reads her a poem he wrote to say that he loves her and garnishes a whole make-out session’s worth of kisses!  She said that he melted her heart…in a good way.  What other way is there? The majority of their date now consists of kissing.

One-on-One #3

Michael and Des are going to explore the town together.  Des would love Michael in her life.  She finds him loyal, trustworthy, and is sure that he has her back.  I guess getting BENtley thrown off and confronting James worked better for him that I thought it did.  Michael says that he is glad that he gets to treat her like his girlfriend.  They ride a toboggan down the hill.  Michael gives the obligatory reference to how the activity is like falling in love.  I am sad to see him make stupid comments like this.  I am the only one in our house who likes him…but I don’t like him for Des.  She is…not on the same intelligence level as him.  Des wants to see more vulnerability in him.  Let’s be honest.  She wants more poetry.  Michael talks about being raised by his mom, nana, and his pop after his father walked out on them.  Des comments that’s cute.  Um no.  Someone’s dad walking out on them is not cute.  Being raised by your grandparents because your dad is not around is not cute.  He tells her about a bad break up and says that he is thankful that Des came along because she makes him feel things that he thought he would never feel again.  If anyone else would have said this, they would have been making out by now.  However, Michael and Des are not kissing…at all.  They walk to an old lady screaming out this song.  It sounds awful. 


Jake 2.0 wants Des to meet his family and he really wants this rose.  This week, there have been no roses on the dates except for this one.  There are no eliminations on the dates, just the promise of hometowns.  Shirtless Wonder NEEDS Des to meet his family.  He also kept the date card!  Des is making the guys go cart race.  Whoever wins will get a surprise.  Hahaha.  My sister just said that the prize will be Des’ tongue…cause it’s always her tongue.  Shirtless Wonder wins the race. 

This episode is the worst one yet.  We think it is because there is no Juan Pablo.  Even though he got very little air time, there was always the hope of seeing him.  Now, it’s a snooze fest. 

Back on the date Des says that this feels like hanging out with two guy friends….with whom she’s romantically involved??  Des steals Shirtless Wonder away because he won the race.  Jake 2.0 says that this is torturous.  Shirtless Wonder and Des walk and sit down to chat.  He wants to recap and bring back all the memories.  He did some sketches to remind her of everything.  I think he hired someone to do these sketches for him.  These look way better than that horrendous sketch he drew of her on their artistic date.  He wins some kisses.  He also just looked right at the camera.  Shirtless Wonder is nice in that he won’t say “I love you” to Des on this date because he respects Jake 2.0. 

Jake 2.0 and Des head off to chat.  Des asks him if he ever lets himself go.  He says sure, she’ll see that.  He says that he can’t wait for her to meet his family and she is eating it up.  Jake 2.0 says that he’s fallen in love with her.  They make out.  Apparently he does not hold the same respect for Shirtless Wonder.  Des is going to give out the rose and she says that she knows that they are both ready to take her home to meet their families.  Des gives Jake 2.0 the rose.  Shirtless Wonder looks shocked as usual.  Shirtless Wonder says that he has tried so hard to meet a girl like Des.  He doesn’t know where he would find another….a bar….any bar. 

Rose Ceremony

The guys are all nervous as they pack their bags…except for Jake 2.0.  Des and Chris Harrison have a chat.  This is the first time we've seen Chris Harrison the entire episode.  This must be a long chat because there are still 20 minutes left in the episode.  Des gushes about Jake 2.0.  She says that he is the best looking guy she has ever met.  Chris Harrison points out that Des blushes, giggles, and smiles whenever she hears the name Brooks.  She is talking about how she has now hit the finish line with Brooks…BUT HE’S NOT THERE YET!!!! She points out that he hasn't said that he loves her yet.  She says that this show isn't over yet because she was falling in love with Chris too…and he already said that he loves her.  So….basically it is down to Shirtless Wonder and Michael because Des is totally keeping Chris and Brooks. 
Chris Harrison tells the guys that there are 3 roses left and wishes them the best.  Des says that this week has been wonderful and other annoying comments.  You are sending somebody home.  No amount of words will ease their pain. 

Brooks gets a rose.  Chris gets a rose.  Both not surprises.  We call Shirtless Wonder for the last rose.  And it goes to….Shirtless Wonder.  Called it!  Don’t worry Michael! You are better off without her.  I’m sure she would have started to annoy you like she annoys us. 

Des takes Michael away to tell him that it’s not him, he was special, and it was not anything he did.  He handles it really well.  He also made her totally regret her decision.  He said at least she sent him home now before he met her family because then it would have been way too difficult for him. 

Apparently next week Des’ brother is going to come to down and possibly ruin things for her.  That sounds exciting.  

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