And then there actually was one

Bachelorette(s) Night Two

Someone should punch Chris Harrison in the face.  He told Britt she wasn’t the bachelorette in the longest way possible.  I’ve counted the roses….the majority of the men have voted…..for one woman...who they hope to have a future with….and that woman….is not you.  Bro, just tell the girl she didn’t get it.  And then he told her it was close.  That’s not helping.  Now we see the tears that Britt became famous for.  We also get the classic “I’m just looking for love” and “I thought this was my time”…now I just have “All TheRight Moves” by OneRepublic in my head…

Huh.  Apparently when Chris Harrison is involved, good news travels faster than bad news.  Kaitlyn is shocked and delighted to be the bachelorette.  Best part: Chris tells her to take a minute before she goes in because she needs to send some guys home.  Her response? “Oh, I still have to do that??” It was precious. 

Kaitlyn calls her mom on speaker phone to tell her that she got the job of dating 25 men (well…soon to be 15 or so). 

Shawn and many others are super excited that Kaitlyn is the bachelorette.  If I’m gonna be honest, I think that she should just take Shawn and Ian and send the rest home.  Ian snags her first (well done) and he is quickly interrupted.  Josh gives Kaitlyn the rose that he welded.  “He was like all ‘I’m a Maaaann’ and that’s hot.” I think that went over well. 

Chris Harrison brought out the first impression rose.  Kaitlyn is just ignoring it at this point. Tony, aka Zen Master, is really confused right now.  Some of the guys are totally pumped that it’s Kaitlyn.  Others are having to rethink things because they voted for the other girl.  Jared is an interesting little fellow.  He told Kaitlyn that he voted for Britt.  He wants her to know that he does still want to be there, but that he did vote for Britt.  Guido Jimmy Fallon has felt more emotions in the last 24 hours than he has in a long time.  He wanted Britt and he just doesn’t know what to do now.

Interesting.  JJ voted for Britt and was just talking to Kaitlyn because he felt like he should.  But she validated his fatherhood and he was completely floored. 

The dentist gave Kaitlyn a cleaning…with his tongue.  Ew.  In the meantime, Jared is worried that he said too much or too little.  Also, if any of you ever wondered what Sean Faris would look like without a mole, he would look like Jared.

Shawn gets the first impression rose (as he should) and they make out for a bit (as I think is a requirement…)

Kaitlyn is now choosing her men (or possibly Britt's)

Chris gets the first rose that does not come with smooches.

Ben H gets a rose.  JJ gets a rose and he is PUMPED.  Joe and his horses get a rose.  Sad LL Cool J gets a rose (which is sad cause he wanted Britt).  Daniel gets a rose--he looks like Edward Norton….this distracted me enough that I missed some people.  I needed pictorial proof.

Zen Master gets a rose which means that for another week we can wonder who the heck punched him the day before he came to the show.  I missed some names in here… I got distracted okay...still by our Edward Norton look a like.  Did they just have guys submit a picture to that website that will tell you which celebrity you look like? 

Oh good, guido Jimmy Fallon wants to talk to Kaitlyn.  I hope he’s saying that his achy breaky heart needs to go home.  He left to go find Britt.  GUYS IT IS SUNRISE! THEY HAVE KEPT THEM UP LITERALLY ALL NIGHT!!! I’m impressed they all look so good…

Oh good.  Ian got a rose.  I was about to start a riot.  He’s sooo fine. 

Dramatic highlights from this season (Harrison’s words, not mine): A HORSE! Roses, make out sessions, laughter, sequins EVERYWHERE, guys getting jealous, NICK?!?!?!?! What the HECK? Also, does she literally make out with everyone?!?!?! Hold up, did she sleep with someone?? Daaaaannnnngggg.  So many man tears.  Ian calls her out on it! What?  This is crazy!!!!

And then there were...two?

The Bachelorette(s) 2015

Kaitlyn Bristowe and Britt Nilsson are opposites that are somehow both super intense.  Kaitlyn is the loud inappropriate one and Britt is the loud emotional one.  So our usual group of 25 men must choose which girl they want to fight each other for…gladiator style.  Twice the girls, twice the drama, 4 times the tears (trust me, the math is solid). 

As you can imagine, we start the show with some vomit inducing introductions from Chris Harrison.  The girls look…a decent level of crazy.  Just the right mixture of nuts and hot for the show to work well.

As to a couple of the guys.  Jonathan is adorable and has a precious kid.  Joe has horses…and looks like he ran into a wall.  Josh is a law student AND a FIREFIGHTER?? NO HE’S a STRIPPER.  Classic.  Brady is a winy singer….or as I shall call him guido Jimmy Fallon.  Seriously.  Check it out. 

                                         

Joshua is adorable….and seems like he will be farmer Chris 2.0! He WELDED A ROSE.  What??  Oh hello Ian.  So we have a hot guy who is also deep.  Well done ABC. 

Jared pulled a superman move to reveal his heart…on his shirt.  WHO IS THE YOGA MASTER? Tony.  Tony should go home.  He has a poster that says “spiritual gangster.” Nope. Just nope.  Although he could give us the classically bad and downright depressingly horrible comments that the girls of the Bachelor usually give us.  Ben Z is really buff personal trainer.  I do find it funny that they asked each guy who they wanted and Ben Z says that either would be great….so basically just give the man a woman...hahaha okay.

Chris is asking the girls how they feel.  FREAKING WEIRD THAT’S HOW! 

“Obviously, the both of you are looking for love.  But the guys will have some power tonight…” Thanks captain obvious.  Britt is giving Chris the optimistic answers while Kaitlyn is letting her bitch face fly.  I now want Kaitlyn just for that.  I want someone who will Jim Halpert the camera without being edited out. 

The guys are arriving…and I already am forgetting some of them.  The line between memorable and crazy is sooo close…and they are all staying so far away from that line.  Boring people.  Everyone is going to Britt first!  Kaitlyn looks like she is about to lose it.  

GUYS! One of them hit the crazy mark! Love Man is some guy’s alter ego.  I won’t remember his real name.  Just Love Man.  Ew.  Kupah is really creepy...he's like the poor man's LL Cool J. 

THEY ARE ALL STILL GOING TO BRITT for the longest amount of time.  Ian liked Kaitlyn the best.  I like Ian now.  JJ made a hockey joke.  He basically just revamped what was she did on her season.  Kaitlyn’s night seems to be looking up and it shows.  Finally! The funny guys that understand that you have to be memorable (and a decent level of nuts) seem to be going for Kaitlyn.  SOMEONE BROUGHT HER MOONSHINE! Hahaha that’s hilarious! Kaitlyn is getting all the presents.  Okay.  Maybe this will be more of even match tonight.  Hahahahahaha one of the guys brought Britt tissues because he watched her cry all the time last season. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have our first unscripted moment of the evening—Kaitlyn sneaking into the house to say hello to all the guys.  Britt thought it was cheating, Kaitlyn said it felt right.  Chris Harrison knows that it is ratings gold. 

We already have our drunkard for the season.  Poor Ryan M.  He’s just too honest?? Overly mean?   I’m sorry, Ryan M just yelled at the man who drove the hot tub car…who is also an “amateur sex coach”? How is that your profession and you are still an amateur? And a dentist just drove up in a cupcake??

Chris Harrison comes to end all happiness and joy.  The guys will choose who will stay and who will go.  Kaitlyn opened up with a joke and Britt opened up with her feelings or as the wise woman sitting next to me said “she spoke from her tear ducts!”

Now we are watching the guys talk to the girls.  One of the guys posed an interesting question “Do you pick the girl that you like most, or the one that likes you the most? Cause in the end you need the one that likes you the most…” That statement blew the stripper’s mind.  SOMEONE DREW CHRIS HARRISON ON A TRICERATOPS!!! What??? You are the coolest. Best. Present. Ever. 

Chris Harrison shows up to tell the guys that they must vote to pick who will be the next bachelorette….who will then choose the guys right?? That’s the unspoken part 2, right?  Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Tony looked like he was feeling the spirits before he dropped a rose into the box.  The other guys seem to be freaking out a little bit.  The tension is palpable.  “What if I make the wrong choice? What if I go with the initial attraction and miss out on what would have developed in a couple of weeks?” Excellent question, man whose name I don’t remember as you have had almost no air time, excellent question.

The main focus of this time has become Ryan M who is waaaaaaassstttteeedddd.  Oh my gosh! Chris Harrison has a bouncer! They just had a guy go in and get sloshy Ryan M and bring him outside.  At least they aren’t making the girls kick people out anymore.  Bouncers make this more legit. 

The guys are trying to scheme to keep “their girl” around.  I’m still hoping for Kaitlyn.  She just seems more genuine.  Shawn B is so nice.  He’s got a good southern drawl.  Guido Jimmy Fallon is talking to Britt.  I just can’t think of anything but that.  I don’t even know what he is saying…I just want Jimmy Fallon to do a bit where he talks about the show as this guy. 

Chris Harrison is going to start counting roses.  If they don’t tell us tonight I’m going to be so upset.  They are gonna be jerks and tell us tomorrow.  Britt is waiting by the fire like a Disney princess.  Kaitlyn looks more like a real person as she waits.  Yep.  They are jerks. Well, guess I'm tuning in tomorrow.  Dang it ABC, you win this round.  

Tomorrow: and then there was one...hopefully...please??

...I don't actually want to watch two girls for this entire season