Well kids, it’s that time again: Summer Bachelorette Season!
Andi Dorfman is our girl, though to be honest I didn’t make it through all of Juan’s season…so I don’t remember much about her.
Chris Harrison starts us off with the most awkward and brief eulogy before they play the footage of Andi from her opener in Juan Pablo’s season-they didn't even re-shoot it. She bores us with the usual “I would do anything for love” spiel….if only someone would say “BUT I WON’T DO THAT!” and walk off the show…but then where would the show be? “I just want to be real with everyone and fall in love!” Oh honey. You are in for a world of hurt. Or as my mother says “You are gonna cry buckets!”
From the montage of Andi trying on clothes and makeup, I am learning that for Andi, falling in love is going to be like shopping…although this is the bachelorette so it really is. Just pick your make and model…I’m voting for that hunky black man with the great smile. Andi’s sister comes to help her pick a dress for the night and to give her sisterly advice. The best part of this entire montage is my mother’s comments. When Andi tries on a particularly low cut dress all my mother says is “she had better not sneeze…”
THE GUYS ARE HERE
First up is Marcus. Andi makes him put his hands out and points out that he is shaking. He “has a lot to give and offer.” Andi thinks he is quite hot.
Chris the farmer gets out next. He automatically gets a solid vote from me.
Bill Nye’s kid is the next one out of the car. Solid bowtie. His name is JJ and he makes pants?
HOT BLACK MAN IS HERE!! Marquel. So fine. Just pick him now.
Tasos, the wedding event coordinator, has arrived. He wants to recreate the lover’s bridge with Andi. Short and sweet. Well done Tasos.
Cody pushes the car as the first lame gimmick of the night.
Steven has surfer boy hair and Andi calls him on it immediately.
Rudie asks if he can approach the bachelorette leading to our second lame gimmick of the night. Ew. Stop with the attorney humor. Gross. Two attorneys talking all night would be awful.
Carl is a firefighter and also very fine. He gives her a globe ornament which is actually kinda sweet.
Jason has stalker hair. OR SUNSHINE from Remember the Titans! If he can throw a football I’m in. But alas, his introduction is as awkward as his hair.
Nick V. is wearing a pok-a-dot tie and that’s all I remember.
Dylan is an accountant and looks equally as boring as his profession. And he is as socially awkward as his profession. But he has a cute face…he may be redeemable.
Patrick brought our token sports ball. He drop kicked a soccer ball away and as my friends says, “he’s kicking Juan Pablo memories to the curb.”
Emil is a helicopter pilot and I am super distracted by his name.
Brett brought a lamp. He is a hairstylist. He should go home. Haha! Andi said that they need to return the lamp to the hotel.
Craig is another accountant. And he shows up by popping a bottle of champagne. HE is like an overexcited puppy.
Ron is yet another very attractive black man. Can I be Andi? He was smooth as butter.
Bradley is an opera singer. He wants to singer for her later. He also is a shining example of what Charlie Sheen could look like if hadn't taken drugs...also see Emilio Estevez.
Josh B. is like the forth guy wearing gingham. He was cute though.
Nick S. drove a golf cart up. He says that he is professional golfer….interesting. Who has to move the cart?
Brian is a basketball coach and he is precious! He’s blushing and is super sweet. He is going to be the one that has his heart broken.
Andrew is also wearing gingham! Did gingham make a deal with the guys? (side note: final count on the gingham was 4 shirts and 2 ties, which is ridiculous!)
Mike is bartender and also has awful hair. Eh. And an awful laugh.
Eric, the dead man, is here. He brought her dolls! And now its all weird cause you’re rooting for him, but he’s not among the living…
Man I was so distracted by angel Eric that I didn't catch the next guys name…
As Andi starts to go off the tracks with getting excited about the possibilities my mother mumbles “ack, simmer down!”
I don’t know who Andi is talking to, but my friend thinks he looks like Jafar. On to Marquel who talks to Andi-with cookies!! He shows her the most important cookie, the black and white cookie. “Look to the cookie. Look to the black and white cookie.” Angel Eric is talking to Andi and my mother has started making angel wings. They are going to show all of the footage of him and make all of America feel horrible.
WhaAATT? Bird Chris wants to meet Andi? Why? You were from like…Emily’s season….and I remember nothing about you except a strong dislike of you and your beaky nose.
Andi is very interested by Tasos…he is different than what she has dated in the past. SHE FOUND HER ONE F JEF! When the opera dude sings he REALLY looks like Charlie Sheen!!! (with less crack). And the other guys look like they hate him for his talent.
We are watching a bromance bloom. Patrick and Andrew. They both dress well and are into formula one cars. They are both “a step above everyone else.”
So Chris Harrison tells Andi about the walk on in the driveway. He tells her that this man has come to try and win her heart, but he can’t even say it without laughing because Bird Chris is an attention whore. Andi says no, she will not meet him and upset the other men that have actually prepared to come here and be with her. And apparently Bird Chris has been hanging out and waiting for days. Harrison asked him how he knew when they were filming. “I didn’t! That’s why I’ve been waiting so long!”
Nick V. left a lasting impression on Andi so she gives him the first impression rose. All I remember about him is that he has 10 siblings…
JJ, or Bill Nye’s son, gets a rose. I mean, he did give her pants. Angel Eric gets a rose. Marquel gets a rose! She looked to the cookie!! (But seriously, can I has?) Craig gets a rose. Tasos gets a rose. Josh gets a rose. Brian gets a rose! He is so precious with his coaching. Bradley, aka Charlie Sheen sans crack, gets a rose. Marcus gets a rose. Andrew gets a rose. I hope Patrick gets one so that the bromance can continue. Ron, other attractive black man, gets a rose. Firefighter gets a rose. Chris gets a rose. Dillon gets a rose. Most of these guys I don’t remember. Brett, lamp guy, gets a rose. Patrick got a rose! The bromance will live on! Cody, or as we will now call him man-Vienna, got a rose. Nick S got the final rose. So no roses for the long haired men. (Cut your hair! It will help!)
A hard to walk in gold dress. Mimes! France! Copious amounts of pigeons. A giant clock. Angel Eric. One on ones. LOTS of kissing. More Angel Eric. Dangly earrings. More gingham. Jealousies! A poor attempt at making us believe that Andi will quit the show!!