Bachelor Ben!

Dear Ben,

I hope I still like you at the end of this.

Love, Me

He hails from Warsaw Indiana…and my sister and Ben have a mutual friend. ALSO she told me when they were filming there.  Crazy, right?!

Ben is telling us about his hopes and dreams while wading in some tall weeds. I wonder if they made someone sit out there until they found some deer to film.

Ben’s greatest fear is to be un-loveable. I wonder at going on national television with that fear. It’s exponentially harder to be real with people when there are 20 other people watching, let alone millions watching on the screen. “I’m really nervous to date 25 people. BUT I’m looking for ways in life to make me a better man…” DATING 25 GIRLS AT ONCE WILL NOT MAKE YOU A BETTER MAN!

Apparently ABC has no shame. Bachelor Ben in a McDonald's commercial. No. Stop. Marketing teams needs to cut it out. That actually makes me want to go to McDonald's less. 

Chris, Sean, and Jason stop by for their contractually obligated advice giving session

“I wanna join the married bachelor club” sooo don’t listen to Chris…

“Good news, is that you’re the only guy. They won’t compare you to anyone.”

“They’ll be thinking about you all the time”

…you are also in the perfect breeding ground for numerous, terrifying stalkers…

I also love that Chris was silent for a good portion.  His advice “it’s hard…and these guys did a lot better job than I did.” You sir, have spoken truth. 

“I am excited about finding someone who is excited…to be alive….and in love” So an adrenaline junkie.

“Nothing was more heartbreaking than when Ben confessed to Kaitlin that he feels un-loveable. Just to show him how loveable he is, we made him the bachelor.” So to show him he’s loveable, you put him in an environment with a horrid success rate?!?!?

Caila BROKE UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND BECAUSE OF WATCHING THE BACHELORETTE??

Mandi is crazy…but she’s also from Portland. She's keeping stereotypes alive one bad hat after another.   “Ben seems like he flosses…”

Twins. Why? Just no. Are they a package deal? Can you pick one without the other? Can they even tell themselves apart? Calling it now. They will be Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

Ah, we have our token mom. Amanda is adorable. I have hopes that she’ll be the next Emily.

CHICKENS

*Not featured on the show. But Google chickens in sunglasses. Seriously.

. Tiara is “a chicken enthusiast” What does that mean? “These are my human babies”

 

THE MOB ARRIVES

First one out of the limo is Lauren B.  She’s cute and giggly. She brought him a pair of wings. I wonder if she wore blue because she’s in the sky all the time.

Caila hops out of the limo, runs, and jumps into his arms. “Thanks for catching me. Can I catch up with you inside?” 

Openners are bad. “Will you remember my name? Ben and Jen is too cute to forget” gag. me. now.

Jami is from Canada. She says she knows Kaitlin and she told Jami that Ben has a really really big…heart. I’m done. I’m just done with this show

Jubilee is stunning. She chokes a little which is adorable.

TOKEN MOM IS HERE! She’s actually normal at the greeting. That will be memorable.

Lace is wearing lace. You are a cliché. And she stole the first kiss.

Lauren R. is a math teacher. She mentions that she’s stalked him over social media. 

He asks for her name…which she never gives… “she was gorgeous…just…don’t know her name…” She's gorgeous and terrifying. Does everyone stalk people on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram? Sure! Do you admit it? NO!

There was a girl that spoke a foreign language the whole time. “I don’t know if I’m tired or just losing my mind.” Probably both. From what I’ve heard about the show, it’s probably crazy late at night by this point.

JoJo needs to just go home. The unicorn bit need to not happen. I wonder how tired Ben was because he said this was normal….and he asked to keep the hat. I bet it was to throw the mask away.

Mandi IS the first impression rose. I'm just going to call her Portland now. She offered to let Ben pollinate the flower later

Self-appointed Red Velvet is freaking out because she “has yet to see an ugly individual.” She may be falling apart, but she's got the best nickname. 

Tweedledee ad Tweedledum are so excited to make an exception for Ben and date the same man.

There is a pony. I am soooo done. 

“He’s the onesie for me!” NO. 

No one wants your puns. Go home.

Jessica looks normal. Please be normal.

Tiara’s here! Chicken lady is here!

Olivia has a cute dimple and seems normal.

Chris Harrison comes to talk to fill time and let Ben know that he can head inside. Honestly, I’m a little disappointed because they TOTALLY doctored his eyes on the ABC website. See?!?! No one has those eyes!

I say lies! No one has eyes like that!

Ben calls his parents on speaker phone and tells them that there are so many beautiful women. I hope he looks for more than looks. 

Olivia left a job that she loved as a news anchor to come on the show…if this doesn’t work out that’s will prove to be a really bad decision.

Ben is talking to all of the girls and says “tonight is gonna get crazy” and cue Chris bringing in Becca and Amber. Hahahahaha he just sends them inside “find Ben and see what he says.” Helpful Harrison is not something that Chris would ever be called.

Lace is wasted. She asks Ben for a kiss. Before Ben could explain why he wanted to wait on that, Portland came in and stole him. Lace is losing it.

Okay, Ben is solid. He searches for Lace to clarify so that she isn’t reading into things too much. That’s so thoughtful. However, Lace is so wasted that she’s reading too much into that and completely confused what Ben said.

I really like Ben and Lauren B. They seem very natural together. I hope she gets the first impression rose…..but it goes to Olivia. She gets it for giving up a job for a man she doesn’t know.

ROSE CEREMONY

Ben walks in and mimes his heart pounding. Nervous laughter obnoxiously floods the room. Ben gives the thanks-for-playing speech.

The Rose Winners is order of appearance:

Lauren B, LB, Caila (Dang it. Crazy eyes is staying), Amber, Jami, Jennifer, Jubilee, Amanda, JoJo, Lea, Rachel, Samantha, Jackie, Tweedledee, Tweedledum, Shushuana? Shushawna? Shushu? Shushu. Lauren H., Becca, PORTLAND?!?!, AND FREAKING LACE? but…..but…Red Velvet. Why? She’s cuter and WAY more sane. 

Lace is also wasted.  She grabbed Ben to scold him for not looking at her. She’s questioning everything because he didn’t look at her once. “I GAVE HER A ROSE!” Yes, you did Ben. But when you give a Lace a rose she’s gonna want a ring.

Coming Soon! to a TV near you: Girls Crying! Ben Crying! Drama! Backstabbing! Waterfalls! “Advice” from Chris Harrison! And every 5^th girl telling Ben she loves him (I see what you did there ABC)