Bachelorette: Des Edition! Week 2

Bachelorette Week 2!

Des is hopeful! Des likes some of the guys! The previews show her kissing many guys…which will make Chris Harrison happy cause that man likes ratings.

Oh there is going to be a rap video with Soulja Boy…this could be the best of the horrible ideas that ABC has put into motion.

The show starts with Chris Harrison talking to the guys.  There is much clapping and smiling over the idea of Des coming over that day.  Chris explains what everyone knows about dates, roses, and date cards.  The guys actually clap when Chris leaves….they clap. 

Brooks is the lucky winner of the first one-on-one date.  He is excited.  I am worried about his greasy hair.  Brooks is super excited.  Jake 2.0 is already nervous about someone else getting a one-on-one.  Who knows, maybe Jake 2.0 will be the perfect combo of Jake 1.0’s smiles and J.P.’s “adorable” insecurity.

“He’s nice. He’s genuine. But he’s not me.”  Wow. Great quote Ben.  My liking of you from the first episode is now gone.  Even your cute kid will not save you if you keep making comments like that. 

Not gonna lie, I am loving Clorox’s bachelorette themed commercials.  I thought the idea of having “life’s bleachable moments” was funny…but adding the bachelorette twist is great.

One-on-One #1

Brooks thinks this will be his first date with his future wife.  Nice confidence…but it’s probably misplaced.  Des is going to show Brooks what it’s like to be in her shoes.   Are you going to make him date 25 women simultaneously? Apparently not.  To put him in her shoes she jokes that she is going to put him in a wedding dress.  Instead of making him a cross dresser, she puts him in the Worst. Tux. Ever. He looks like a mini version of the Green Giant.  She starts laughing that he looks like a leprechaun.  Brooks says that she is so beautiful, but that is because of who she is.  My mother had the most hilarious reaction: “oh good job!” said with the most sarcasm I have ever heard.  They decided to leave in their wedding attire.  Des said she “actually felt like a newlywed!”  My mother responded with “oh you are so full of hot air!”  Mom makes this show 10x better.   ABC got them access to the Hollywood sign.  Brooks is wearing a backpack?? We think it might have the food in it?  ABC gets kudos for the cool date idea.  Why on earth did ABC do a shot of their shoes from below?  I don’t care what their shoe soles look like.  I’m gonna be honest.  I still don’t like his hair.   Oh there it is, the classic question: are you open to love?  Who in their right mind is going to say no?  Especially on this show! Des said that she is so glad that Brooks went through a similar situation because that means that when he falls in love he falls in love for real.  Brooks thinks that this could be the first kiss that he has with the person he will spend the rest of his life with.  Um, statistically, that’s not looking good for you. 

Des got them “lost.”  Brooks is nervous because they are in a shady area…and he LOOKS it.  She wants to drive down a closed road.  He is like “let’s NOT do that.”  He is so nervous and says that the first thing you see is graffiti on all the walls.  Who knew a guy would get so jumpy from a deserted road.  I say it’s a joke/planned party.  Oh, I win.  Boom town.  Interesting…Brooks seems to get emotional like a woman.  He is so impressed by this bridge dinner for two.  He has TEARS in his eyes.  I understand that some women want a sensitive guy like that…but I’m going to pass.  Brooks looks like he is going to cry through the whole conversation.  One of the girls in our house thinks that he “just has a natural glisten to his eyes.”  Des asked him about what he wants in relationships and he hesitated a little too much.  He goes on to say what he wants in life and he is totally getting a rose.  He talked about his struggles with his family after his parents’ divorce.  Kudos to him for sharing that immediately because he is not just telling Des, he is telling all of America…or at least the female population.

Dan, Juan Pablo, hashtag, James, Zack, Ben, Shirtless Wonder, Brandon, Brian, Michael, Mikey, Jake 2.0, Nick M and Will get the group date. 

Brooks is completely blown away by the date and dun dun dun dun dun DUN! He gets the rose, as predicted.  Are you kidding me ABC?  Now there is a live concert!? They dance on a Persian rug that is in the middle of the road…because dancing on asphalt is WAY too hard.  Des & Brooks try to sing along but they are completely off key.  Stop!  Oh good.  Slow dancing and making out.  Chris Harrison will be so pleased.  Brooks likes that Des knows what she wants…and that she is sexy.  Des doesn’t know how it could get better than this.  I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this season without shooting myself.  Between these two we are going to have more cheese than a dairy factory. 

Group Date

Des is “just so excited!” She has never “had” to juggle 14 men before in her life!  The date card said “are you here for the right reasons?” The guys have no idea what this means for the date.  Apparently this means they are making a rap video! With Soulja Boy!  Des takes falling in love seriously… and she takes rap videos very seriously.  Hastag Kasey is excited.  Soulja Boy got greeted by the Superman dance.  The video is called “For the Right Reasons.”  The guys try to rap and James fails epically.  Jake 2.0 also can’t dance.  Oh, but Will might be worse.  Brandon has some crazy short shorts on.  The guys are totally avoiding him. 

Oh my gosh.  Their lyrics are based on past contestants! Oh ABC you are clever, oh so clever.  This is going to be EPIC.  You can watch the whole video by going to ABC’swebsite.  Ben is portraying Wes with the guitar and everything! Mikey keeps trying to distract Ben. He’s being kind of a jerk.  Des tells Ben that he is a rapper now.  She says they are all hot and have great personalities.  She says that it’s so great to see personality and looks combine.  Really?  You don’t even know them yet!  And on top of that, most of them are portraying previous contestants…are you really sure you are seeing their personalities?? Hmm? James is Rated R, the wrestler.  It’s so great the way that they are making fun of other people.  Oh the Mesnick is so great.   Oh no, Brandon has to shake his junk at her.  The guys are making fun of him the entire time.  He looks so uncomfortable.  Poor guy…he was falling out of that pair of underwear.  Des said that Brandon “really brought it.”  Really?  I think you could have said something else. 

From what Des has seen today there are A LOT of guys who are marriage material.  All you have seen are hot guys.  Wow! Shirtless Wonder owns clothes!  Des thinks that he has a great smile.  He says that thoughtfulness is key, and brings her a present.  He got her an antique journal that has never been written in, but has a really cool inscription from a father to his daughter.  I think he just purchased himself a rose with a journal.  Des just said that when she first met him he was “a shirtless man” and with this journal he just showed that he is here for the right reasons.  Well played, Shirtless Wonder, well played.  Oh no! Brandon just equated Des to a butterfly and how you can’t hold them too tight or you will squish them.  Gross metaphor.

Ben is already ticking the guys in the house off.  James isn’t sure if he is there for the right reasons and his intuition says that he is not.  Ben is pulling out the kid card and waving it around like a banner.  I’m pretty sure that he is going to try to ride the kid train all the way to a rose.  I just don’t understand how he could have a kid with his best friend, still be best friends, and yet, somehow, only be friends.  EW. They are kissing and it sounds so gross. 

Brandon sees them kissing and it is just “so hard” cause she’s great and he really likes her.    Oh really?  You’ve known her for 24 hours and you say you have strong feelings for her?  You weren’t even together for half of that!

Michael wants to assure Des that he is there for the “right reasons” and he will step up if anyone else is here for the “wrong reasons.”  He tells Des that he will have her back.  Sweet.  He pretty much just announced he will be a future snitch.

Cut to Mikey still steaming about Ben swooping in and taking Des away from him.  Oh good, the guys back him up and Mikey is going in for confrontation!  I like that he is addressing it right away because that is good TV.  I bet Chris Harrison is happy too.  Ben doesn’t want tension in the house.  He is not worried about the other guys and he says that he won’t ever stab Mikey in the back.  Lies.  All kinds of lies.  He even compliments Mikey’s shoes and they are probably buds now.

Bryden, aka Military Man, gets the next one-on-one.  I like him.  He has a nice smile and he seems like a good guy. 

Oh no.  Brandon says he needs to be more aggressive about things…and he swoops in and takes her from Jake 2.0.  He seems a little desperate.  He was born.  Thanks captain obvious.  He has a mom and dad like she did.  Again, unnecessary comments.  Oh.  Psych. It’s a sob story.  This seems early to be this transparent.  This is a very transparent season.  Apparently making a rap music video titled “The Right Reasons” makes all the guys get really serious really fast.  He says that he wants to love her and come home to her.  Des is eating this up.  Brandon has “fallen in like” with her.  He didn’t expect it.  Then why did you come on the show?  While I appreciate that he didn’t say he had fallen in love with her, why on earth did he say that he didn’t expect to fall for Des?  It’s the whole reason you came on the show! ...or it should be, you know, if you were coming “for the right reasons.” 

Des sits down with the guys to give out the rose.  Ben got the rose.  Looks like he rode the kid train all the way to the rose station.  Brandon doesn’t think Ben is the front runner or better than him.  Except he kind of is the front runner…Ben jokes that he is going to have to sleep with one eye open tonight. Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! 

One-on-One #2

Des is looking forward to her road trip with Bryden.  They talk about travel and road trips.  They stop to get some snacks at a convenience store.  Des is so excited to show him California because he has never been there before.  California embodies everything that Des is…which parts of California exactly?  Disney?  The beach? The drug addicts?  The redwoods?  Failed hopes and dreams of hundreds of want to be actors?

Their first stop is the beach.  Des tries to fly a kite and fails miserably, but on the bright side, Bryden thought it was cute.  Stop number two is an orange grove.  She asks him if he likes Brie…and he doesn’t know what it is! That’s adorable!  I like him a lot.  He is my front runner.  The last stop is a fancy-shmancy hotel. They have supper under huge tree that has lights dangling from the branches.  Des says that she felt like a little kid when she hung out the Bryden.  Bryden tells Des a deep story.  At least his story is more organic than Brandon’s.  Hahahaha.  He brought pictures! He actually thought ahead to bring pictures!  They seem to be having a good date.  Des looks interested in him.  He said that the military used to be his scape goat to keep him from getting close to people.  She asked him if it was still his scape goat.  He said no…and Des made a really odd face.  Her eyes widened in almost fright….  He got the rose for opening up.  Nice timing ABC.  They put a shot of Bryden taking off his shirt for the hot tub to Des’ talking head saying that they had chemistry.  Once they were in the hot tub it got real awkward, real fast.   He wanted to kiss her, but he was so shy.  Hahahaha! Des had to tell him to kiss her already.  He is so cute.  A little awkward, but cute.

Cocktail Party!

The guys are super serious.  There is tension in the room.  Hahaha.  Someone tweeted that they think the guy’s cycles synched up!  That’s fantastic.  Ben, Brooks, and Bryden are safe.  Apparently it’s a good sign if your name starts with a ‘b.’ Ben is so happy and so giddy.   Michael decides to tell Des that he has type 1 diabetes.  He wants her to know that it is serious and that it can be life threatening.  Yes. It can be.  My dad has that, but I don’t think it is as much of a deal breaker as he is worried it might be.  Yes, you need to watch your blood sugar and be proactive, but it is manageable.  But, before he can finish his story, Ben STEALS HER AWAY.  Dude already has a rose.  That is THE WORST…and Mikey is super ticked now.  Michael goes and tells all the guys what Ben just did.  Ben freaking stole her away to make out with her.  Des is a total jerk for letting him.  She should have told Ben to leave because he already had a rose.  All the guys are confronting him about how much of a tool he was to Michael.  I think Ben is the new Bentley from Ashely’s season.  Mikey is getting all kind of riled.  Michael is getting all riled.  Michael confronts Ben and guess who shows up: Mikey.  Ben is trying to defend himself, but he’s not doing a good job…cause there is really not a good excuse for being a tool.  But their argument did lead to some prime quotes—Ben: “You can say what you want.” Michael: “Well, I did!” & Michael: “I’m surprised he didn’t have his son come and interrupt us.”  James keeps telling them that Des will figure it out, she will be able to tell who is there “for the right reasons.”   Who knows maybe his intuition will be right on this too…and maybe this year’s theme will be “right reasons.”  Ooh! The rap they made could be the theme song like Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose” or Wes’ “Love Don’t Come Easy,” right?!?!

I wonder if they put the bachelorettes in low cut dresses, that will give no kind of shelter from the cold, to see if the guys will offer their jackets.  I feel like it could be a drinking game. 

Brian’s shiny forehead is really distracting.  I literally have no idea what he talked about.  Is it his gel leaking out of his hair?  And why is one eyebrow constantly higher than the other?  I’m pretty sure that I unintentionally raised my eyebrow to match his while he was talking.  I wonder if he will get a rose…his name does start with a ‘b.’

Chris Harrison takes drama as a good sign of the guys taking this seriously.  I think he is really taking it as a good sign of ratings.  Jake 2.0 is grinning like a buffoon.  He’s adorable, but that is ridiculous.  Des says that so many of them are “amazing husband material.”  I think this might be code for “amazing abs material.” I think Shirtless Wonder would agree.

James and his intuition got a rose.  Hashtag got a rose, but thankfully quit saying hashtag for this episode.  Dan, who I don’t remember at all, got a rose.  Juan Pablo gets a Spanish rose.  Brad, who did not get a date this week, got a rose.  Chris, another dateless man, got a rose.  Brian and his shiny face got a rose.  Told you.  ‘B’s do well.  Shirtless Wonder got a rose.  Jake 2.0 got a rose.  Mikey actually got a rose.  The drama lives on!  Zack gets a rose.  Michael gets a rose.  Good. Now he can finish his story.  Brandon gets the final rose.  He looked like he was going to faint.

Will, Robert, and Nick go home.  Will says some very nice things and thinks that he put himself into the friend zone.  Robert didn’t see this coming.  Oh honey, no one does; yet, it is the fate of many.  Nick feels pretty rejected.  Um, you were.  So good job on naming an accurate feeling. 

Des appreciates all of them and makes a toast to “the right reasons.”  Ew.

Previews say so many great things.  Ben keeps getting told that people don’t like getting lied to.  Someone is a “lying, cheating, deceitful pig!”  Oh good.  I hope its Ben.

The music video.  Oh, it’s so bad.  But good job to ABC for making Ben play another tool named Wes.

Bachelorette: Des Edition!

Welcome to the Bachelorette: Des Edition!

She’s hopeful! She’s living in a dream! She’s headed for heartbreak!

A car slowly pulls up to a pretty house…and the hood is popped!  

Des comes from a good family…and she cried cause she’s so happy??  The question in our house is this: does Chris have a new nose???  But why would you give yourself a beak nose?  Did he break it??  Did he get a new affinity for birds?

We were pulled back to the show by the Sean-broke-my-heart montage.  No worries people.  ABC gave her a cute blue convertible.  All is forgiven.  ‘Give her love and she’s happy.’  Love is apparently synonymous with a convertible.  Des wants to give her heart to someone that she knows won’t break it…WHY ARE YOU ON THIS SHOW?  That is definitely not going to happen here. 

Des says tonight, everything is going to change.  She’s like Cinderella! Except she’s not.  Cause Cinderella did NOT have 25 guys waiting to get a rose from her. 

Chris is excited that Des will kiss a guy if she wants to kiss a guy.  She wants a man.  Apparently Chris thinks her problem on the Bachelor was holding back and she won’t make that mistake again.  The people in my house were unaware that she had held back last season.  “Does your fairy tale have a happy ending?” Wow Chris.  Thanks for the stupid questions.  And unanswerable ones.  How can she tell the future? Thankfully, Chris and his new beak are leaving Des alone to get ready.

Des gets ready and is crying again because she’s got her fairy tale.  If there is this much crying BEFORE the drama, what does that mean when the inevitable dramatic storm hits?  Previews tell us that someone has a girlfriend back home.  My gut says that this will cause an all-out breakdown. 

*Let’s get a preview of a couple of the guys!

Bryden was in the military.  His montage is all about him and his gun….and boots.  He’s ready for a serious relationship. They used his dog as a metaphor for his loyalty and love.  He shall be known as military man!

Will does sauna yoga and he gives out free hi fives to people who do not look like they want it.

It’s Drew or as we shall call him Jake 2.0!  Wow Jake 2.0 is already pulling out the hard family back story.  He knows he’s ready for love.  Des is genuine and he thinks she could be the one.

Wow. We got a mobster look-a-like in Nick R.  Oh it’s glorious! He is a tailor/ magician.  He can make his own capes! He wants Des to be his magician assistant….creepy.  Someone tweeted “being a magician assistant is definitely my idea of true love”  hahah…oh I love how everyone can make fun of people’s delusional ideas of what love is.  I definitely don’t think Foreigner was talking about magic shows when they wrote “I Want To Know What Love Is”  and I don’t think it’s what Des is thinking about either.

Zak W.  welcomes us to the hill country by jumping into the water in swimming trunks and SOCKS.  He also stands on his deck naked. 

Robert “invented” sign spinning.  I don’t know how that works.  He hopefully will turn out to be One F Jeff 2.0.  There is a skateboard, there is a business, there’s some perfectly aligned hair….my chances of this dream coming true are very good.

Mike is a creepy dental student.  He was born and raised in England.  Yet, he doesn’t have the accent…and he realizes that this makes him 30% less attractive.  Yes. Yes it does.

Brandon is a wake boarding junky.  He also pulls out the sad backstory.  ‘Life’s waters have been a little choppy.’  He just wants to be loved.  While he seems really sad about it, he has shared his entire sad story with 100% less tears than Des shared her happy one. 

On to the limos!

Des is so excited to meet the men!  She is definitely ready to be the belle of the ball…again…you are NOT Cinderella.  She is super sparkly.  Shine bright like a diamond! ...cause you want one! The guys are ooing, awing, and clapping in the limo. First man up is Jake 2.0!  She thinks he’s adorable.  He just keeps looking her over and they are excited to get to know each other.  She smirks and does the mmm mmm mmm.

Unfortunately, we missed some people because of a weather report… I’m sure one of them will get a rose and I’ll be like who is THAT? Now we’re back with Michael the lawyer.  He is trying to find her a penny that has been thrown in the well to give her a shot at love again.  I’m guessing this is supposed to be a la When In Rome.  He doesn’t find one and gives her a new penny to throw into the fountain for a shot at love.

Kasey looks like a NERD. And if he mentions hashtags all the time I will personally start a hunting party.

Will is nicknaming Des…Athena…the goddess of wisdom…and literally everything else: including math.  Athena is literally the goddess of everything…war, wisdom, love, math, courage, inspiration, civilization, law, justice, strength, strategy, crafts, skill, and the arts. Does that mean Des is everything?

Mikey…I remember nothing of what you said.

Jonathan brought Des a letter that says that she can elect to go with him to the fantasy suite.  She passes.  Good move cause he was a CREEPER.  Note: never give a girl a note saying you can go to a fantasy suite when it is the first time you meet her. The. Very. First. Time. You. Meet.  DON’T do that. Ever.

Zak W. is introducing Des to the hill country…of his abs.  They are legitimately impressive.   One of the other guys exclaimed “Dear God what is that guy’s shirt doing off?!?!” haha.  This is why I love the bachelorette.  The guys make The. Best. Comments.

James is the only guy to answer the “what if I get fat” question right.  This makes me like him even though he was kind of awkward.

Larry is teaching Des a dance move….but he messes up AND her dress got caught.  ABC wants you to know this was creepy by playing appropriately creepy music. 

THE MAGICIAN! He burns things! He gives secret roses! He is someone strange!

Zach K. is wearing converse.  He says basically nothing.

Oh the knight in shining armor is here…and he looks like he’s in pain.  Diogo is his name-o!  Des does not like the outfit.  And by his face, Diogo looks like he wishes he hadn't gone that route.   Jonathan thinks that going as a “shining knight in armor” is trying too hard.  That’s right. Diogo went as a shining knight in armor…not a knight in shining armor.  Thanks for the clarification Jonathan.  Michael G. says there is a lot of craziness in the house right now from the “crazy stripper guy, to the full armor, to the guy trying to do magic.”  My favorite comment was from the guy who told Diogo to “stay away from the water cause you probably won’t float.”

Chris and his beak nose are talking to Des about guys without shirts and guys in armor.  But that’s only the first 15! There are 10 more chance for crazy!

Chris (not our host with the beak, but an actual contestant) is getting down on one knee and he asks if he can tie his shoe.  We are all fans of his purple socks.  She says “funny” as Chris walks away but her tone says no.

It’s the dentist…he wore his coat to be “McSteamy” for her tonight.  Ew. Just…ew.

Robert is going to throw away his tie.  I still have hopes of him being One F Jeff 2.0

Juan Pablo from Venezuela. They spent half of their time trying to say his name. 

There is a guy on a motorcycle!  Brandon kinda reminds us of Kasey of Kasey and Vienna on Bachelor Pad.

Velveteen Rabbit …why? Why?

Micah designed his own outfit…and its’ AWFUL.   Des thinks she’ll do the sewing.

Nik M.  wrote a very cheesy note to Des. 

Dan looks like the Ken doll came to life! His face is …plastic-y.

There is an adorable little kid who came with his dad!  He is so cute! Ben is his dad.  I was a little nervous that he brought his kid but I am relieved that he sent the kid back before entering the house.  And Des TOTALLY fell for it.

Chris wants Des to get ready for the night of her life! Well of course it will be…there is a magician inside! …somehow she is blown away by all of them….Chris wants her to know that she can give out the roses whenever she wants to…just like Sean….I’m so glad we will take every opportunity to remind her that Sean didn’t pick her. 

Now to mingle!

If Kasey says one more hashtag comment he will be #dead.

Good news! The Magician has a trick up his sleeve! He is going to make Des disappear…by walking her out of the room.  Larry is super disappointed because he actually wanted to see a magic trick.  I like his comments.  I hope he stays around if he is going to have good comedic timing like that. 

Brandon gives her a coin from his mother who is 7 years sober.  He wants her to give it back to his mom at hometowns.  I want her to give it back before she sends him home.  One of the girls in our house hopes she uses it to flip for if he stays or if he goes.

We are also wondering what the shirtless guy would do if he got a rose…there is nowhere to put it.

We’re just two friends who had a kid together???  Ben what are you saying?  Yet, Des and Ben have a connection.  They both love camping.  Looks like Des is going to follow in the footsteps of the one who broke her heart and give out the roses whenever she wanted.  She goes to get him a rose and the guys are freaking out!  “How many are there?”  “One less.”  Wow, thanks captain obvious.Word is spreading that Ben has a rose...and Larry hates him.  Have I said that I like Larry’s comments?

Des finds it so flattering how the guys are trying to get her attention.  The guys are calling the Zak the “shirtless wonder.”  He jumps into the pool and Des walks away with another guy.  She was taken by hashtag guy.  Yet, Shirtless Wonder gets a rose.  I love that Des says that she doesn’t know where to put it.  She ends up attaching it to his belt.  Which brings our house to the question: where is his microphone?

Military man is talking about his dog or as I like to call her military man’s metaphor.  He tells a cute story about his time working with a boy in Iraq.  He gets a rose.  I like him.  He gets my vote.

Juan Pablo also gets the mmm mmm mmm from Des.  Who else thinks he'll be around for a while? They are going to try playing soccer.  She thinks he is ‘a dream of a man.’  All the guys start playing soccer too because they REALLY want roses. 

Jake 2.0 is getting nervous and he wants time with her.  Des is giving Jake 2.0 a rose because he is so cute and nervous.

Larry is getting very nervous cause their dancing was bad and he knows it.  He wants to talk about “the dip.”  Wording it like this was not a good choice because Des had no idea what he meant.  He just says things so creepily….he also mentioned Sean.  Stop it.  It’s a bad plan.  He looks bored. Des asks him if he’s sleepy cause he looks like he’s yawning.  He also took his glasses off and put them back on multiple times.  I wonder if he thinks this would be attractive??

Jonathan does “bold things” …he is also the fantasy suite guy.  We think he is drunk.  Larry says that having “fantasy suite guy” around makes him feel good cause then he’s not the worst first impression.  Jonathan sounds like a date rapist.  He says that he is better than her last boyfriend.  Yeah…bring up Sean.  That’s a good idea.  Well, he did say he does bold things.  Mentioning someone’s ex on the first “date” is bold.  Des is handling it fairly well.  I think he is scary.  Oh no.  He has a “very large love tank” and he wants to steal her for a second conversation.  Des looks skittish.  When Jonathan mentions the fantasy suite again Des kicked him out.  Bravo!  Unfortunately, this means that Larry has the worst first impression now.

Chris and his beak unnecessarily inform the guys of how the rose ceremony works. Des thanks them for being here today…unfortunately she does not give them the wave of royalty that Julie Andrews taught us.

Brandon is the first man saved of those who don’t already have roses…I literally cannot remember anything about him.  Zack K and his chucks get a rose!  Will and his unwanted high fives gets a rose.  There are shots of the guys gulping and Brooks gets a rose.  Juan Pablo gets a rose.  Not surprised.  We wish he would have said yes in Spanish.  Brad also gets a rose.  Kasey gets a rose #dangit.  James gets a rose.  Robert, the inventor of sign spinning, gets a rose.  Bryan the velveteen rabbit gets a rose.  Dan, aka Ken doll, gets a plastic rose.  The magician has the creepiest waiting face.  Chris gets a rose.  All the guys left look like they are going to cry.  We think it’s from Des’ sparkly dress.  It’s probably blinding them.  Mikey gets the last rose. 

Larry is disappointed that he is not going to continue this journey.  Me too.  I’ll miss his comments.  He still regrets “the dip” and he apparently practiced it 50 times.  Of the 50 people he dipped ‘only, maybe 2 had a problem’.  Poor guy. 

Nick R. thinks that Des made a mistake.  He just cares a lot.  But I think he shouldn't have tried so much magic…

Diogo did not get anywhere with the shining armor.  He was willing to put on the suit…but it didn’t get him anywhere.  He has “an explosion of feelings and love.”  He is so sad.  I like his tie.  He should have just got with that.  I guess Diogo was a no-go.

Clorox is presenting “bachelorette bleach-able moments”  WHAT???? I’m impressed and disturbed that another company is openly advertising that there are some things that just go horribly wrong on this show.

Previews!

Des feels like this life is a fairy tale.  Far off places, punches!, tears, and someone has a secret girlfriend.  Looks exciting….and tear filled.  Seriously tear filled.  Like this season may break records in the tear department.  There was straight up male sobbing.  Des never thought this could happen.  Again, do you know which show you are on? 

Le Bloopers: Oh good.  Larry did get his magic trick after all.  Will cannot believe that the magician actually had a job as a magician.  Larry was impressed.  I’m so glad he got his wish after all.  

Le Bachelor

Alright everybody—it’s Bachelor time!  Sean is the Bachelor, which honestly disappointed me.   He is great and I loved how he handled everything on Emily’s season.  However, every guy that I have liked on the Bachelorette has turned into an idiot when he became the Bachelor.  So we’ll see how things go.  Here’s to hoping he chooses wisely unlike Ben and Jake. 

For starters the montages at the beginning of the episodes are ridiculous.  I am so glad to know that Sean thinks about the possibility of a future wife while he’s in the shower…cause that makes it SO much better….(insert a sarcastic face here)

One-armed Sarah gets the first date.  She seems to be stuck on the fact that she was born without two complete arms.  In my dorm we are wondering how she puts her hair into a ponytail with only one hand.  But more to the point: we know you only have 1.5 arms and you don’t need to mention it constantly.  Also, you are probably secure until he talks to you for more than 10 minutes because he would look super shallow if he kick off a handy capped person.  Sarah is currently in the running for the most ridiculous comments of the day with: “My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.”

On the date:

      Sean is attracted to Sarah because she told him about why her arm is not…complete.  So, they are on the top of a building…in my dorm we are hoping that they will make the one armed girl repel down the side of a building.  Also, we think the crew is doing her hair for her.  Oh good, they are doing a free fall (with cameras attached to their heads, naturally).   Sean is super pumped that they made it all the way down.  Sarah is super impressed that Sean took extra time to make sure she was okay.  Did you watch the last season?  He’s a GENTLEMAN.  Don’t read into that….it will end poorly for you.  Sarah wants to share how profound jumping off a building is.  Ladies and gents, sit down for a story, a zip-lining story.  Sarah could not go zip-lining because she had a disability (camera close up of her stump, again).  Ergo, Sarah appreciates that Sean thought she could free fall off the side of a building.  She wants a man who can handle all of her troubles.  She needs a strong man.  With that Sean made his first submission to the stupid comments competition: “I do consider myself a man.” 

      Sarah is hoping for the rose…my money is on her getting it.  Oh look, she did.  She is “shocked” and excited.  Sean is blown away.  Supposedly they have a good connection….I don’t see it.  Sean says it has been a while since he’s wanted a first kiss so bad.  I’m calling’ crap on that one.  Oh no! Sarah says she’s already falling in love with Sean.

Group date has 13 girls.  THIRTEEN! That is way too many people.  Also, ABC has pulled out their classic ploy of a photo shoot or movie making.  Oh the jealousies that will come into play.  Tierra, or as my dorm calls her, Cra-Cra Tierra, is going to have a mental break by the end of the season.  I’m calling it now: Cra-Cra Tierra will be this season’s psycho.  Oh gosh, Sean is doing the prince on the balcony pose.  The girls are running to him.  RUNNING.  Kacie B is funny: “This is my first group date on this season of the Bachelor.”  I’m glad she’s back and that she can poke fun at the peculiarity of her situation.  It’s a book cover photo shoot.  This is dumb.  For realz.  Kristy is VERY excited.  She squealed; she jumped; she stroked Sean’s stomach.  Tierra is going to flip.   Tierra is also very proud of the fact that she does not have extensions, like other people.  She is already being labeled the fake girl. 

       For the photos there are 4 categories: Cowgirl, Vampire, Sexy and, Historical.  Sean likes Lesley M.’s sexy side.  He’s seeing a “new side of her.”  The photographer told Sean and Lesley M. to kiss.  All 12 other girls are ticked, Tierra especially.  She has crazy eyes and they are trained on Lesley M.  This should be interesting.  Kristy brought her A game.  Tierra is looking even crazier.  Kristy and her A game took home the prize.  Being a model definitely paid off. 

Pool party

It is interesting that no one is wearing swimsuits at a pool party.  Sean steals Lesley M. first.  They are obviously into each other.  Sean wants the real reason she’s here.  She says that honestly, she is here “for love” and that she was not going to tell him, but it’s true.  Sean wants to kiss her, but she gets nervous and they have awkward tension…which he finds attractive?  Her body language is bad.  Very bad. At one point she said that she would like to keep staring, as long he would let her.    Lesley M. looses Sean to Kristy, but she steals him back to kiss him.  Then they proceed to make out a little bit.  My dorm is calling that a bad save.  He probably liked it, but I think it was weird. 

Kacie B and Sean sit down to chat.  She admits that they have done events together before.  She even tells him that she likes him.  He is excited that she is there.  She asks if he wants to move from friend zone to the possible girlfriend pile.  His face was not good.  I completely thought she was going home.  He did a very awkward save with a there is more we can get to know about to each other and we should explore.  Kacie is happy, and yet I am not sure she’ll make it very far.  At least she has some idea of who Sean actually is.   And if she says she’s falling for him, I won’t scream.

Catherine gave her entry for stupid comment: “I’m a vegan, but I like the beef.”  Sean is the beef and she just thought that he should hear it from her.

Selma likes how Sean says “My wife.”  Selma has too much blush.  Tierra is eating like it is going out of style.  She is also half off of the couch she is “sitting” on.  Tierra is here because Sean blew her away on Emily’s season.  This is hard for her, but she is perusing him because he’s awesome.  He says that he can see her genuine heart and he wants her to hang around.  Cra-cra feels a connection, maybe he’ll keep her around for forever.  Am I the only one who is picturing him locked in her cellar?  

Katie feels as uncomfortable as her giant hair.  She is grilling Kacie B. for information about how it was last time around.  Kacie B. is hoping that she’ll leave.  Sean and Katie are chatting.  I’m hoping he won’t talk her into staying.  Let big hair leave.  Wow.  He did not even try to have her stay.  Cue all the girls talking about how it was the right thing for Katie to leave and how if you aren’t here for Sean, then leave.  Kacie B. get’s the rose! Hurray!  She is my favorite right now… but not Tierra’s. 

Desiree gets the other one-on-one. 

Sean wants to pull a “somewhat innocent prank” on Desiree because he wants a girl that can laugh.  He thinks that making Desiree think that she broke an expensive piece of art will be funny.  He wants to see how she reacts in uncomfortable situations….on national television.  This is probably the best example I’ve ever had for guys and girls sense of humor being different.  I already feel bad for this girl.  Her date card even said “Love is priceless.”  Mean, mean prank.  Sean is doing this to someone that he described as sweet and personable.  Sean is feeling bad already and all I can say is GOOD.  Stupid boy.  Chris is super excited for this; he can’t stop grinning.  Sean is not looking quite so good.  Sean says that he is a bad person, Chris agrees, while smiling.  Chris is laughing like a little kid.  Sean leaves her alone and the artwork fell.  That poor girl.  The fake artist asks who is going to pay for this.  She should have said ABC!  Desiree handled it really well.  Sean was impressed.  *My dorm has been taking note of how Sean has been holding hands with the girls.  Desiree got the interlocking fingers, One-armed Sarah did not.* Sean takes Desiree back to his place to feed her steak and to chat.  Background time!  Cue everyone talking about their great parents and how they want love.  Sean likes her a lot.  They are holding hands on the couch.  *Desiree is winning in the hand holding department.  Every time they interlock fingers.* 

Sean keeps saying innocent things that are just not worded well. 

Example “I think she’s feeling me, and I’m feeling her.”  Meant innocently, sounds dirty. 

Sean is very patriotic with his swim trunks.  But they are really tight, which makes his innocent comment of “you’ve seen 100% of me” really awkward.

Desiree feels like they are boyfriend and girlfriend and Sean is already calling her “Dez.”  She may have just danced her way into first place.

Rose Ceremony!

There are people that I don’t even recognize that are bitching to the camera.  Lindsay, the substitute teacher or drunk bride from last week, is wearing a skunk for a dress.  A bedazzled skunk.  Apparently she was an army brat.  They are talking about their families and how they want to marry their best friend.  Blah, blah, blah.  I know that they need to get this info out of the way, but America is bored!  (Or at least this dorm lounge is). 

Sean doesn’t know what to do about liking many people.  He’s just so humble (which was last week’s favorite word.  Seriously, we started yelling at the TV every time Sean said he was humbled by this opportunity.)

Amanda the banana looks like she is going to start cutting people.  Everyone is confused by her and scarred of her.  “Tonight is a tornado of negativity, about to happen.” I missed who said that, but it will enter the stupid comment competition under anonymous blond girl.  Amanda the banana found coffee!  And for the first time ever, I have seen someone glare at the world while drinking coffee.  Usually coffee makes people happier, and I should know, I’m a barista. 

Sean is happy that the Robyn asks if he likes black chicks.  He says he doesn't have a type.  He said that it did not matter physically.  He’d be okay with dating Hispanic or Persian…neither of which are black… (Persian?  Really?  What makes you pick that as one of the two ethnicities that you name?)

Also, why are there no fat chicks?  Physical appearance doesn't matter?  Where are the chubby people?  Where are the cute, but not drop dead gorgeous girls?  Where are the glasses?

Amanda banana is brought back from the dead by the presence of Sean.  Interestingly enough, I did not recognize her until she started talking to Sean.  That’s how different she acted.  The girls are all against Banana Amanda and her horrifying rose-shaped cap sleeves.  Those cap sleeves are truly terrifying.  They look like they are trying eat her face. 

Ew. He kept Amanda banana and the scariest cap sleeves I have ever beheld. 

Brooke and Diana went home.  I don’t remember them at all.

Brooke says that love was "just not here."  Sean sent Diana home because he did not want to keep her away from her kids if he didn't see something long term.  That was very kind of him.  That slightly redeems him for the prank earlier in the night. 

Next week: We look forward to roller coasters, confetti in the air, longest on screen kiss, and making out with multiple people.  Also, Cra-cra may take a ride in an ambulance.

Until next time, Singing Barista

I've got some catching up to do....

Oh boy.  I feel awful.  There are so many things that I thought I would never do--on that list is forgetting my passions.  Writing and I grew distant.  I forgot the pleasure that it brought.  I did not make time for writing when I became busy, ergo, I haven't blogged in over a year.  Well that ends today.

For starters, I took a year off from school and did a great many things.  But in my more recent history, I have gone back to school.  It is a small Christian college in the middle of the US.  It is a good fit for now and I have learned many things about myself while being here.  However, the real reason of this post is to comment on something my sister is dying for me to analyze...Christian Mingle.  That's right, I actually signed up for a dating site.  While this may not seem that odd for the general populace, for me it is quite strange.  I have always thought (and still think) that dating sites are much too like auto sites....it's like shopping for all the features you want in a car...but it's PEOPLE.  Personally, I think it takes out the possibility for people to surprise you.  Then why am I on it? you may ask.  Great question.  I am on it because I was curious and a little bit bored.  

The day the world was supposed to end FX had genius programming.  That station played any end of the world movie they could find.  This drew my oldest sister and I into watching Armageddon, one of our favorite Bruce Willis movies.  Amidst the plethora of commercial breaks we saw numerous ads for Christian Mingle.  It was like the company wanted a new slogan, "The end of the world is near, so find your soul mate while you still can!"  Curiosity killed the cat, and it definitely got a hold of me.  I made a profile for a couple of reasons: 1- I wanted to see what you could ACTUALLY do on the site for free (hint: it is not very much) 2- I honestly wanted to know if anyone would like my profile (good news! a creep from the next town over does! Bad news, the cute European in my college town hasn't contacted me yet) 3- I wanted to see if I could find the profiles of a couple of guys from my high school on the site (Best news ever! I TOTALLY did)

In my perusal of the site I saw some very sad profiles and I would personally like to help anyone who is considering online dating.  Here is my list of things you should do/not do:

1. Be honest.  If you are taking this seriously, you have got to be open....and you need to actually fill out the profile.  You know it is so great that you liked my thoughtful answer to my favorite Bible passage, but I would really love to know more about you than your height and hair color.  I can't tell if I'm interested if your page is blank.  Fill it out.
2. Be realistic.  I'm sorry, but if you are not the hottest thing on the block, do not expect the "washboard" and "athletic" girls to be the top ones responding.  Best way to be attractive to a girl--do not say anything about a girl's weight...any girl.  You want a pretty, thin girl? Fine.  But do not label it that way on your profile...you seem rude and shallow.  Just stop.
3. Pick a good picture.  I'm not saying you should use photo shop and make yourself a hunk a hunk of burnin love.  I'm saying you should take a nice head shot.  Smile.  Wash your hair that day.  Wear a clean shirt.  DO NOT take a bathroom iphone picture like a punk!  Not attractive.  Delete that.

Well that is all I have for now.  I'm sure I'll be posting more later...it is my one and only new years resolution.

~The Singing Barista

NaNoWriMo

It's that time of year! National Novel Writing Month is just around the corner.  I just signed up...and you should too.   

J.K. Rowling, I apologize

This fall I have been trying to read a book every two weeks.  Early on in this endeavor, I decided to start reading the Harry Potter books.  I know, I'm a little late.  I also decided to read Twilight--worst idea EVER.  When Twilight first came out, I remember hearing people say that Stephanie Meyer was going to be the next J.K. Rowling.  I would like to state that these people were crazy, insane, and showed a lack of discernment that is frankly, frightening.  Rowling can WRITE.  She is very good at crafting her incredible imagination into phrases with nuances that I was impressed with.  Meyer...can't.  I am also quite certain that Meyer's editor should be ashamed of his or herself.  Bad...just bad. So, Ms. Rowling, I apologize for all the idiots out there who fouled your good name.

~The Singing Barista

Influences

I know I haven't written in forever, and I should warn you that my posts will fluctuate from few and far between to daily posts.  I don't have any of my own things ready to post yet, but I thought I would share some of my influences and things that I think are clever.  I just love the writing and creativity in these videos and I hope you will too.


This video is from the What You Ought to Know Site.  It talks about irony and how people misuse the word.  The other videos that these guys put out are worth watching as well and range from the best bicycle helmets to what women want.  I love the banter in the video and I hope you will too.


This video is how Lord of the Rings should have ended from the How it Should Have Ended website which is one of my favorites--I think it's hilarious.  I love checking to see if any movies I've seen have been revamped on this site.  The Twilight one is also worth checking out.


Well that's all for now.  
~The Singing  Barista