And then there actually was one

Bachelorette(s) Night Two

Someone should punch Chris Harrison in the face.  He told Britt she wasn’t the bachelorette in the longest way possible.  I’ve counted the roses….the majority of the men have voted…..for one woman...who they hope to have a future with….and that woman….is not you.  Bro, just tell the girl she didn’t get it.  And then he told her it was close.  That’s not helping.  Now we see the tears that Britt became famous for.  We also get the classic “I’m just looking for love” and “I thought this was my time”…now I just have “All TheRight Moves” by OneRepublic in my head…

Huh.  Apparently when Chris Harrison is involved, good news travels faster than bad news.  Kaitlyn is shocked and delighted to be the bachelorette.  Best part: Chris tells her to take a minute before she goes in because she needs to send some guys home.  Her response? “Oh, I still have to do that??” It was precious. 

Kaitlyn calls her mom on speaker phone to tell her that she got the job of dating 25 men (well…soon to be 15 or so). 

Shawn and many others are super excited that Kaitlyn is the bachelorette.  If I’m gonna be honest, I think that she should just take Shawn and Ian and send the rest home.  Ian snags her first (well done) and he is quickly interrupted.  Josh gives Kaitlyn the rose that he welded.  “He was like all ‘I’m a Maaaann’ and that’s hot.” I think that went over well. 

Chris Harrison brought out the first impression rose.  Kaitlyn is just ignoring it at this point. Tony, aka Zen Master, is really confused right now.  Some of the guys are totally pumped that it’s Kaitlyn.  Others are having to rethink things because they voted for the other girl.  Jared is an interesting little fellow.  He told Kaitlyn that he voted for Britt.  He wants her to know that he does still want to be there, but that he did vote for Britt.  Guido Jimmy Fallon has felt more emotions in the last 24 hours than he has in a long time.  He wanted Britt and he just doesn’t know what to do now.

Interesting.  JJ voted for Britt and was just talking to Kaitlyn because he felt like he should.  But she validated his fatherhood and he was completely floored. 

The dentist gave Kaitlyn a cleaning…with his tongue.  Ew.  In the meantime, Jared is worried that he said too much or too little.  Also, if any of you ever wondered what Sean Faris would look like without a mole, he would look like Jared.

Shawn gets the first impression rose (as he should) and they make out for a bit (as I think is a requirement…)

Kaitlyn is now choosing her men (or possibly Britt's)

Chris gets the first rose that does not come with smooches.

Ben H gets a rose.  JJ gets a rose and he is PUMPED.  Joe and his horses get a rose.  Sad LL Cool J gets a rose (which is sad cause he wanted Britt).  Daniel gets a rose--he looks like Edward Norton….this distracted me enough that I missed some people.  I needed pictorial proof.

Zen Master gets a rose which means that for another week we can wonder who the heck punched him the day before he came to the show.  I missed some names in here… I got distracted okay...still by our Edward Norton look a like.  Did they just have guys submit a picture to that website that will tell you which celebrity you look like? 

Oh good, guido Jimmy Fallon wants to talk to Kaitlyn.  I hope he’s saying that his achy breaky heart needs to go home.  He left to go find Britt.  GUYS IT IS SUNRISE! THEY HAVE KEPT THEM UP LITERALLY ALL NIGHT!!! I’m impressed they all look so good…

Oh good.  Ian got a rose.  I was about to start a riot.  He’s sooo fine. 

Dramatic highlights from this season (Harrison’s words, not mine): A HORSE! Roses, make out sessions, laughter, sequins EVERYWHERE, guys getting jealous, NICK?!?!?!?! What the HECK? Also, does she literally make out with everyone?!?!?! Hold up, did she sleep with someone?? Daaaaannnnngggg.  So many man tears.  Ian calls her out on it! What?  This is crazy!!!!

And then there were...two?

The Bachelorette(s) 2015

Kaitlyn Bristowe and Britt Nilsson are opposites that are somehow both super intense.  Kaitlyn is the loud inappropriate one and Britt is the loud emotional one.  So our usual group of 25 men must choose which girl they want to fight each other for…gladiator style.  Twice the girls, twice the drama, 4 times the tears (trust me, the math is solid). 

As you can imagine, we start the show with some vomit inducing introductions from Chris Harrison.  The girls look…a decent level of crazy.  Just the right mixture of nuts and hot for the show to work well.

As to a couple of the guys.  Jonathan is adorable and has a precious kid.  Joe has horses…and looks like he ran into a wall.  Josh is a law student AND a FIREFIGHTER?? NO HE’S a STRIPPER.  Classic.  Brady is a winy singer….or as I shall call him guido Jimmy Fallon.  Seriously.  Check it out. 

                                         

Joshua is adorable….and seems like he will be farmer Chris 2.0! He WELDED A ROSE.  What??  Oh hello Ian.  So we have a hot guy who is also deep.  Well done ABC. 

Jared pulled a superman move to reveal his heart…on his shirt.  WHO IS THE YOGA MASTER? Tony.  Tony should go home.  He has a poster that says “spiritual gangster.” Nope. Just nope.  Although he could give us the classically bad and downright depressingly horrible comments that the girls of the Bachelor usually give us.  Ben Z is really buff personal trainer.  I do find it funny that they asked each guy who they wanted and Ben Z says that either would be great….so basically just give the man a woman...hahaha okay.

Chris is asking the girls how they feel.  FREAKING WEIRD THAT’S HOW! 

“Obviously, the both of you are looking for love.  But the guys will have some power tonight…” Thanks captain obvious.  Britt is giving Chris the optimistic answers while Kaitlyn is letting her bitch face fly.  I now want Kaitlyn just for that.  I want someone who will Jim Halpert the camera without being edited out. 

The guys are arriving…and I already am forgetting some of them.  The line between memorable and crazy is sooo close…and they are all staying so far away from that line.  Boring people.  Everyone is going to Britt first!  Kaitlyn looks like she is about to lose it.  

GUYS! One of them hit the crazy mark! Love Man is some guy’s alter ego.  I won’t remember his real name.  Just Love Man.  Ew.  Kupah is really creepy...he's like the poor man's LL Cool J. 

THEY ARE ALL STILL GOING TO BRITT for the longest amount of time.  Ian liked Kaitlyn the best.  I like Ian now.  JJ made a hockey joke.  He basically just revamped what was she did on her season.  Kaitlyn’s night seems to be looking up and it shows.  Finally! The funny guys that understand that you have to be memorable (and a decent level of nuts) seem to be going for Kaitlyn.  SOMEONE BROUGHT HER MOONSHINE! Hahaha that’s hilarious! Kaitlyn is getting all the presents.  Okay.  Maybe this will be more of even match tonight.  Hahahahahaha one of the guys brought Britt tissues because he watched her cry all the time last season. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have our first unscripted moment of the evening—Kaitlyn sneaking into the house to say hello to all the guys.  Britt thought it was cheating, Kaitlyn said it felt right.  Chris Harrison knows that it is ratings gold. 

We already have our drunkard for the season.  Poor Ryan M.  He’s just too honest?? Overly mean?   I’m sorry, Ryan M just yelled at the man who drove the hot tub car…who is also an “amateur sex coach”? How is that your profession and you are still an amateur? And a dentist just drove up in a cupcake??

Chris Harrison comes to end all happiness and joy.  The guys will choose who will stay and who will go.  Kaitlyn opened up with a joke and Britt opened up with her feelings or as the wise woman sitting next to me said “she spoke from her tear ducts!”

Now we are watching the guys talk to the girls.  One of the guys posed an interesting question “Do you pick the girl that you like most, or the one that likes you the most? Cause in the end you need the one that likes you the most…” That statement blew the stripper’s mind.  SOMEONE DREW CHRIS HARRISON ON A TRICERATOPS!!! What??? You are the coolest. Best. Present. Ever. 

Chris Harrison shows up to tell the guys that they must vote to pick who will be the next bachelorette….who will then choose the guys right?? That’s the unspoken part 2, right?  Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Tony looked like he was feeling the spirits before he dropped a rose into the box.  The other guys seem to be freaking out a little bit.  The tension is palpable.  “What if I make the wrong choice? What if I go with the initial attraction and miss out on what would have developed in a couple of weeks?” Excellent question, man whose name I don’t remember as you have had almost no air time, excellent question.

The main focus of this time has become Ryan M who is waaaaaaassstttteeedddd.  Oh my gosh! Chris Harrison has a bouncer! They just had a guy go in and get sloshy Ryan M and bring him outside.  At least they aren’t making the girls kick people out anymore.  Bouncers make this more legit. 

The guys are trying to scheme to keep “their girl” around.  I’m still hoping for Kaitlyn.  She just seems more genuine.  Shawn B is so nice.  He’s got a good southern drawl.  Guido Jimmy Fallon is talking to Britt.  I just can’t think of anything but that.  I don’t even know what he is saying…I just want Jimmy Fallon to do a bit where he talks about the show as this guy. 

Chris Harrison is going to start counting roses.  If they don’t tell us tonight I’m going to be so upset.  They are gonna be jerks and tell us tomorrow.  Britt is waiting by the fire like a Disney princess.  Kaitlyn looks more like a real person as she waits.  Yep.  They are jerks. Well, guess I'm tuning in tomorrow.  Dang it ABC, you win this round.  

Tomorrow: and then there was one...hopefully...please??

...I don't actually want to watch two girls for this entire season

A Blog for Becky, a Charitable Endeavor

Many Moons ago (approximately two) I promised my sister that I would write a blog post of the 10 most prolific authors (at least on my bookshelves).

I shall list these in the order that I counted them.

1. Jane Austen—I have 6 novels by Jane.  She taught me the distinct pleasure of mocking the ridiculous constraints in society with copious amounts of wit and sass.  I mean, who doesn't need to learn that lesson.
2. L.M. Montgomery—Anne of Green Gables is a classic.  Reading those books made me realize that even the mundane in life can be extraordinary with the right people beside you.  I also thought she had quite a knack for putting a positive light on the otherwise mundane things in life.
3. Janette Oak—author of the Love Comes Softly series.  The first book of this series is the one that actually kicked off reading as a hobby for me.  Up until that point, I was not a reader and had no interest in books.  Shout out to my 6^th grade teacher who kept a bookshelf full of books for kids who finished tests early.  You, madam, provided the tools necessary to turn me into a book worm.
4. C.S. Lewis—Chronicles of Narnia, need I say more?  I also have some of his other books on the Christian life, but this series captivated my mind as a child.  My aunt read them to us as children and I will always think of her when I read The Last Battle.
5. Douglas Adams—The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy was the first Science Fiction book that I ever read.  Adam’s dry humor and quick wit were delightful.  As an added bonus, it gave me something to talk about with my brother and cousins.
6. J.K. Rowling—The Harry Potter series is quite fascinating.  I did not read these until I was in my twenties, but I loved Rowling’s writing from the start. 
7. Beth Moore—I have more books than I can read by Beth Moore.  She has great insight into the Christian walk and is such a cool lady….and Amazon was having a sale….
8. Orson Scott Card—This is where my Science Fiction addiction gets real.  Between Ender’s Game and Pathfinder Orson Scott Card (no, you can’t separate his names) has kept me fascinated for days after finishing the books.  One of my best friends also reads Orson Scott Card’s works and we have discussed them at length numerous times.  He has a way of taking a common topic and making it extraordinary once again.
9. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle—Sherlock Holmes is one of the greatest stories.  I have all of them.  I have been reading through them for a while, but they are always good.  No matter what mood I’m in, I will always want to read Sherlock Holmes.
10. Charles Dickens—I love Dickens.  I love how he is super descriptive.  I hate how I will always be asleep after reading a chapter.  He is great for screen adaptations—Bleak House and Little Dorrit are phenomenal....and on Netflix (well Bleak House anyway).

In Paradise!

That’s right ladies and gents, we are embarking on an acid filled adventure with “the broken hearted” that are taking another stab at love….it’s going to be bloody. Literally.  That’s what the previews say.

To get us excited about the season, ABC plays the same clip we have seen for 4 weeks.  There will be joy, laughter, tears, regrets, more tears, and a possible arrest?? And let’s not forget, Marquel!!!!

Chris Harrison welcomes Crazy Clare onto the island.  She is ready to find love.  She is not going to let one bump in the road keep her from finding love.  She wants a man to step up and say “I want you!”

Marcus is the first guy to come to the island.  He was at least smart enough to wear flip flops.  Crazy Clare had to take off her wedges to get to the special beach house which appears to be open to the elements.  The guests are excited and so are the bugs that are going to get into EVERYTHING.

Sarah is the next girl to come to island.  Marquel, Danielle (from Sean’s season I guess?), and Graham join the others.  I am personally excited to see this.  Michelle Money is also supposed to be on this and to watch stuff go down between these two should be good.  Lacy (from Juan Pablo’s season) comes.  The guys think she is gorgeous.  BENtley is BAAaaaccckkk.  He walks onto the beach just as Crazy Clare says “I hope there are no douchey guys here.  I can’t stand douchey guys.” Well done ABC.  The original crazy train, Michelle, is back.  Robert is also here.  Dylan is here.  Marquel runs to meet him and they chest bump on the beach. They are precious.  Elise is wearing the worst possible shoes for a beach…I’m pretty sure anyone’s grandmother could beat her in a foot race.  Seriously woman, you knew the title of the show right? There would be sand! And yet you wore those shoes…AshLee joins the group.  All of the girls are wearing stupid shoes. 

How the Show Works

Each week there will be Bachelor Style dates.  The date card will say who the bachelor(ette) is and they get to decide who to take on the date with them.  To stay on the island you have to be part of a couple.  There will be a rose ceremony each week.  This week there are 7 girls and 6 guys.  Therefore, all the guys are safe this week, but one girl will be going home.  Next week, the odds will be in the girls’ favor. Let the games begin! Hahaha as one of the girls here described it, basically we are watching the bachelor version of dodge ball.  Last one picked goes home….sad and alone…

The girls are feeling the pressure of being outnumbered.  Lacy comes in hot, taking Robert out to the ocean.  She basically makes him hold her up above the waves.  Later that evening, Marcus is moping out in the water.  Lacy goes out there to “get to know him better.”  Sarah is chaffing under the pressure.  She cannot stand watching Lacy through herself at multiple guys.  Everyone the beach was trying to figure out who Lacy likes better. 

Haahaha Crazy Clare and Marcus were talking when Dylan and (Elise? Danielle? A blond one?) Go frolicking in the ocean.  Marcus and Clare were basically making comments like regular viewers across America.  Once Dylan and Elise(?) start kissing Crazy Clare started commenting about how adorable they are.  Marcus comments that they are probably witnessing their first kiss.  It’s like they are the representation of all of us….

AshLee is complimenting Graham.  She is sure that they are meant to be.  I’m fairly certain that he has no idea the amount of insanity that just latched itself onto him…he should run, but he just doesn’t know it…where is Michelle Money??  I just want her to come in this episode!

Crazy Train sees the date card and summons the troops.   Sarah is still freaking out about the odds against her.  Crazy Clare is stoked to get the first date card.  Crazy Clare picks Graham.  The other guys are surprised but excited for him.  AshLee is instantly devastated.  She is whispering to herself.  She is sooo mad at Graham.  She is saying that “He couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours.”  Danielle says that AshLee looks crazy.  Danielle says that she is not going to keep going after Graham because she doesn’t want to get murdered in her sleep.  Hahaha ABC is making it look like Crazy Clare is talking to a raccoon when she is totally talking to a producer. 

Oh My Gosh! Crazy Clare is going to tell Graham that she thinks its best that she takes someone else on the date since AshLee is going bonkers.  Danielle says that she feels like she is in a soap opera because of all the drama.  Crazy Clare takes Robert with her.  Apparently they already knew each other, but she hasn’t thought about him in a romantic sense before.  But she thinks that they have chemistry….

Lacy is focusing on Marcus while Robert is gone.  BUT, Sarah got a date card and she asks Marcus.  Lacy is not doing well.  Also, in a slightly unrelated note, Lacy looks like a Pink Lady from Grease in her talking heads right now.  Which brings us to another question: why does she look so good in her talking heads but like a hot mess when she is with everyone else?  Her hair…what is her hair? When Robert and Clare get back, lacy talks to Robert because she is having a really rough night. 

Someone is coming!!!! Please be Michelle Money! Please be Michelle Money!  YEEEESSS IT IS!!!!!! And Graham looks pumped!!!!!  Game changer!  I’m going to be honest here, I had no good hopes for this show until I found out that Michelle Money was coming back. 

So Money walks in WITH A DATE CARD.  She grabs Graham to talk to him. Needless to say AshLee looks horrified.  The next morning AshLee goes to apologize to Graham because if he doesn’t give her a rose no one will.  And Money hasn’t picked her man yet for her date card.  AshLee is a crazed girl flailing as she is going down.  Money picks Marquel for her date.  She looks pumped as he accepts and they go to get ready.  While I could see how Money and Marquel could be adorable, I doubt that things are completely over between Money and Graham.  WHAT IF HE GIVES HER THE ROSE INSTEAD OF ASHLEE!?!?!? AshLee’s head would explode! I now want this almost as much as I wanted Money to show up tonight….

Lacy gets the next date card and she has a tough decision to make.  She is attracted to Robert and Marcus… she’s “80-40” ….no, honey, you “dumby-dumby” your percentages are supposed to add up to 100%.... not 120%  Marcus and Dylan are talking about how Lacy is putting “all of her eggs in Robert’s basket”…that’s not awkward wording at all….

Also, what is Lacy’s hair? Did she forget that her rollers were in?  And Dylan is giving horrible advice.  Don’t listen to Dylan.   

Here is why I love Michelle Money: she is super good at reading people and she can work a crowd.  Somehow she also is very maternal while still being in on just the right amount of drama.  Girl has skills.  She also gives THE BEST talking heads.  I would probably watch any incarnation of this show if she was on it.

SIDENOTE: Why is EVERYONE (except my girl Money) failing at English?!?

Marquel somehow pulls off the craziest outfits.  He is adorable no matter what he wears.  I’m fairly certain that he is the only person on the planet could pull off his style…which is appropriate cause there is no one like that boy. 

Rose Ceremony Time!

Marquel is first …but Crazy Train wants to say something and interrupts Marquel….And she is saying that she wants to go home?!?!  Therefore, only one girl is going home.

Back to Marquel—he picks my girl Money

Graham—AshLee (I feel like he just did this to avoid the wrath of the women) Sarah said he has to pick her or he’d “get his balls chopped off” But who would do this heinous act? Not AshLee if she went home! But alas, she stays.

Dylan—Elise (who is apparently already in love with Dylan?!?!) he should change his pick for next week…

Marcus—This gets interesting because he likes Lacy but told Sarah he would give her the rose if Lacy is safe.  The drama here is high people! Who will he choose!? Lacy…cause he is a game changer, that’s why! Robert will now have to pick someone else….probably Clare

Robert—Clare (as previously predicted, thank you very much)

BENtley—Sarah (and this is the first time I have ever liked this guy)

Danielle goes home…which is interesting because she had a lot of talking heads so I thought she might stay longer….no worries Money will keep us apprised of all the juicy details  

Basically, BENtley had no screen time.  I forgot he was on there until the whole will-Sarah-get-sent-home portion of the rose ceremony.  I wonder if he will be able to redeem himself on this show….picking Sarah was a good first move.  Dylan should probably run.  Elise seems uber desperate.  We have a love triangle between Robert, Marcus, and Lucy.  Graham, my boy, you are in trouble.  You need to find a way to drop AshLee.  Also, I’m fairly certain that Graham and Money have a pack to inform each other of what each gender group is thinking…should get interesting…

Next Week: why did Crazy Train really leave? Bird Beak Chris comes and someone jumps off of a balcony?!?

Bachelorette Finale and After the Final Rose

Who will Andi Choose?!?!?!  …Josh.  She is totally going to choose Josh.

Supposedly there is a dramatic ending that we won’t see coming… I bet Nick has a psychotic break!

Nick is the first one up to meet the parents.  Patti, Andi’s mom, thought that Nick was really reserved.  Andi wishes that he wouldn’t have been as nervous.  Nick gushes about Andi to her mom and she seems to like him at the end of it.  Andi gushes about Nick to her sister….and the sister looks a little skeptical, but she doesn’t make any comments.  Nick wins over the dad enough to say that if they pick each other than he is okay with them getting married. 

Josh meets the parents and they are a little worried that he is just Andi’s type.  Andi is trying to convince her sister that Josh isn’t like all the other guys she’s dated.  Josh is much more boisterous than Nick was.  Oh Josh has the sister in the bag!  Dad and Josh are dressed alike! Josh now has the task of convincing dad that he is sincere.  Dad seems like he likes Josh more than Nick because he is joking around with him.  Dad gave Josh his blessing in a similar fashion that he gave it to Nick.

Josh and Andi have their final date.  Those two have pet names for each other.  This makes me think that he is “the one.”  I use quotes because there is no way she has spent enough time with either of them to know…but she’s totes picking him.  Andi is looking for the last moments of reassurance before the end.  I think if he can do a good job at affirming their relationship, she will pick him.  He points out that every relationship is different—timelines cannot be compared.  AND HE USED FAMILY EXAMPLES.  Dang this boy is good.  Josh gives Andi her own baseball card with personalized stats.  This made Andi believe everything he has said all season.  This is by far my favorite gift that a contestant has ever given the bachelor or bachelorette.  This one might have been the brainchild of Josh himself.  Nick’s story book a couple weeks ago was totally not his idea.  There is a slight possibility that Josh came up with this…probably not, but it does fit him better than any other gifts that have been given throughout the seasons. 

In our house we are currently very confused about whatever it is that Chris Harrison is saying…we kind of tune him out when he is talking….something about someone trying to confront Andi?? The Chris Harrison interjections are boring.

Andi and Nick go “off roading” …but they are totally on a dirt road…. But in all reality that was probably a good idea because I would not trust Nick to know how to drive a Jeep through various terrains. 

SIDENOTE: my sister just gave me the bracelet that goes with Andi’s necklace. 

Basically Nick is asking Andi to tell him that he is her choice before the final decision.  He doesn’t want to propose if he is still wondering.  It is boring and painful to watch.  He is not just awkward…he’s a little creepy.  Okay his present is thoughtful.  He got sand from the beach that he told her he loved her on and put it in a bottle for her to wear as a necklace.  It matches her outfit…I wonder if her stylists told her to wear that….

So Josh just picked a ring and Andi showed up at Nick’s door.  Chris Harrison is now going to poll former Bachelor cast members to see if they think Nick is getting dumped or picked. Basically all of the former cast members are saying “I don’t know.”  Wow. So glad we are wasting 10 minutes on this.  She’s going to dump him.

Oh my goodness! Andi is literally using Nick’s own phrasing to break up with him.  She reminds him of when he felt like something wasn’t right in his last relationship and she says that she feels like something isn’t right with them.  Nick is not handling this well….he is questioning all of the moves she made.  He asks if it is more about them or about someone else.  Andi is mum on the subject.  Kudos to Nick for calling Andi on saying or doing things she shouldn’t have if she wasn’t going to pick him.  And here we are at the ugly side of the show.  “I just hope that you are a million percent sure and not scared.”  Wow Nick, way to plant the seed of doubt in her mind. 

You have to hand it to Josh-he is good with the soliloquy. Andi did a great job of making him sweat.  Oh BULL CRAP! YOU DID NOT LOVE HIM FROM THE MOMENT YOU LAID EYES ON HIM! NO! no.  You stereotyped him.  But whatever, I called it.  Oh gosh.  They are like puppies that can’t stay off each other.  WHY ARE WE STILL KEEPING THE MICS ON DURING KISSES?!?! I don’t want to hear that.

After the Final Rose

Also, I totally called that Nick would not be able to handle the rejection.  He is not doing well.  Nick is refusing to let sleeping dogs lie.  Chris Harrison agrees to go talk to Andi for Nick at the Men Tell All.  What I am learning from this is that Chris Harrison really likes blue shirts.  That is the only color in his dressing room.  Andi refuses to see Nick and Chris takes a letter to her instead.   

Nick and his brand new hairstyle come out to talk to Chris Harrison.  I wonder if they give the runners up stylists so that they look as great as possible.  Nick is trying to explain his emotions from that day…I wonder if they lock them in a room just looping the footage so that they will be as emotional as possible.  Nick is taking this day by day.  The hardest part for him is that he believed in their connection and to have it slip through your fingers.  Nick just wants closure.  He asks Andi if she read the letter.  She has.  He doesn’t really have anything else to say. 

Hahahaha Andi just said that there was nothing wrong with Nick, Josh was just better.  Harsh woman, harsh. She also said she was never in love with him, otherwise she would have said it…..are they allowed to say they are in love? Oh my gosh!  It feels like this has been an eternity—but it’s only been FOUR FREAKING MINUTES.  Hahaha Andi just told him that he was hitting below the belt and that he should keep those things private.  So I’m pretty sure that the producers think this time was a bust.  Nick didn’t really say anything.

Josh and Andi make their first public appearance….and they still look like hyper puppies.  They are gushing and I’m ignoring it…. Oh my goodness! They are doing an ode to Andi’s stupid pouty face.  They brought out Grumpy Cat?? Hahaha they have a pout off.  And It’s Over!

By far the best part of this show was watching Chris Harrison unabashedly mock Andi’s pouting face.  He looked like a kid at Christmas when he got her to say “Stawwwp” and then frown immediately afterwards. 

But in better news!  Bachelor in Paradise starts tonight!  It’s basically going to be The Bachelor but on acid.  Should be insanely ridiculous which means I will definitely be tuning in.  

The Week Where Chris will be Sent Home so He Can be the next Bachelor

*My apologies for the delay on this post.  It has no editing because I was tired and forgot to post it...until now.  On a side note, whenever I see "Dominican Republic" I always think of this girl that was in my college literature class who always pronounced it "Dominican Republican."

The gang is in sunny Dominican Republic.  Andi says that this is a beautiful place to be in love with one person at the end of this journey.  She has three different paths in front of her right now.  Andi’s recaps of the guys makes me want to punch a wall.  By her own description Josh is perfect for her.  He is her type, he makes her laugh, they always have fun, he sees her for who she is, and the list goes on.  However, she came on this show to try something different… why is that your negative? That should not be a negative! He’s better than your exes! Why are you projecting onto him!?!  She says many wonderful things about Chris, but let’s be real, boy is going home.  She talks about Nick and they show a montage.  I am being struck by the idea that if Andi were to choose Josh, Nick would crack.  I’m convinced he would go full blown psychopath and burn down a building. 

Andi and Nick have a private island all to themselves for their date.  This date is turning into a watery make out fest.  I don’t want to watch this.  Also, we are wondering how romantic it can get with producers watching you like hawks.  Like “Here’s a private island for you, your love interest, and 3 camera men, 2 producers, and a mic guy!”

Andi and Nick are talking and she might actually be listening because she is too busy stuffing her face with chips to comment. 

Nick just told Andi that he did what any “33 year old man from the Midwest would do” and he wrote a story.  I’m from the Midwest….no 33 year old man would write a story unless it was a request from their child or they were actually getting paid.  Most of them have jobs dude.  They have better things to do than fulfill whatever the ABC producers request.  Nick tells Andi he loves her but it takes a couple of tries.  His first attempt was “I love what I know about you” which is vastly different from “I love you.” The latter is an unconditional statement.  The first is dependent upon what you know and gives him an out if he finds out something that he does not like.  No worries guys, he finally gets it out with the proper wording.

Josh and Andi are exploring the capital.  She surprises him with taking him to a local baseball diamond.  They start playing some baseball with some local kids.  Josh also tells Andi that he loves her.  And he was graceful…unlike Nick.  Andi is nervous because there is a fantasy card on the table tonight.  She needs to know that he can be serious because he is always so happy….so basically she wants to know if Josh can have Nick’s personality before she goes any farther… and the rest of the date is spent with them making out…in a pool.

Andi and Chris go horseback.  They ride past some Dominican farms and Andi asks Chris if this is cool for him.  “It’s interesting…”  hahaha.  That means no.  She also said that it looked like Iowa.  No.  No it didn’t.  I am getting the impression that neither of these two are in this.  Chris just said that he loves her and she just gave him an “aw crap” face.  Andi is now crying and is going to send him home.  She bawls out some sort of apology.  Chris was a total gentleman and even offers Andi his arm when she stands up.  WHAT KIND OF TWISTED BREAKUP IS THIS?!?!? Andi is bawling and Chris is consoling her when she did the dumping! What the heck?!?

Chris Harrison comes to Andi the next morning for her usual counseling session. 

Guess what.  Two guys, two roses.  Andi is ecstatic. 

Andi Week Is-It-Over-Yet?

According to the previews there will be lots of making out in different lighting.

Andi is spouting some drivel about taking this week seriously because this is the last week before hometowns.

Chris Harrison is trying to have a heart to heart with the guys.  Nick opens his mouth and ticks off the other guys in 2 seconds flat.  It’s actually impressive that he hasn't been slugged yet. There will be no roses on the dates except for the group date.

Marcus is going to have the first one-on-one.  This elicited a swear from Josh.  Nick is getting a little too free in his talking heads-ABC is going to have an easy time of editing him into the villain. 

Marcus and Andi wander Brussels and eat muscles.  Marcus says that he loves her and I am afraid that she is going to stamp on his heart with her little stiletto heels.  At supper she asks him about his family AND ACTUALLY LISTENS.  Guys, this is a one-time event! Take note! Yet, she is doing her stupid duck-face-pout-whilst-"listening" face.  I hate it.  It looks stupid. 

They are walking back and keep stopping to make out.  Can they make it more than two feet without sucking face?  Andi is saying he is a man. I’m pretty sure in Andi’s head manliness=making out.

When Marcus gets back from the date Nick decides to go track down Andi.  He goes to the front desk and lies about losing his room key, forgetting the room number, and being married to Andi all to find her room.  They sneak out and make out in the streets.  Nick seems to be the only guy that fully understands Andi's inability to comprehend words.  She needs make out time to know that the guy is into her.  Nick gets this and beyond that understands her desire for spontaneity.  

Josh is secretly up against the declarations of love from the two guys the night before.  Andi is super worried that he is not at the same place as her because he has 1) not said that he loves her 2) hasn't made out with her enough.  After Andi fishes, for what feels like an eternity, Josh finally says that he is falling for her.  Andi makes and maintains the goofiest face after that.  Then they make out in at least two different settings and lighting styles. 

THERE IS STILL OVER AN HOUR LEFT!! I AM NOT GOING TO LAST THIS EPISODE IS SO BORING…..zzzzzz…..zzzzz….zzzzz

The only reason I am still watching is because the preview showed Nick crying.  He’s being a jerk around the guys.  PS, Dylan, if you can put your hair in a ponytail it is time to cut your hair.  They are looking at the countryside by pedaling on a rail bike.  Andi rode in the cart as the guys pedaled the entire way there.  They stopped at a monastery.  In this monastery there is no kissing within the grounds.  Andi takes Chris away to a pottery barn (outside the walls) where they can have some alone time.  They have their Ghost moment and make out a little bit.  When they get back, Andi announces that whoever gets the rose will continue on the date and the other guys will go back to the hotel.  That, ladies and gentlemen, is the perfect recipe for drama.  Unfortunately, it has turned into mainly idiotic outbursts by Nick and pensive looks by the others.  Our recipe for drama fell flat.  Nick gets the rose.  He feels like Andi just told him that she loves him.  The guys looked pissed.  Best part of Nick getting the rose is watching those guys get smashed into the back seat so that the camera crew can film them on the way back to the hotel...and take turns cussing.  SO great.  They are too broad in the shoulders to all fit in the same seat.  They look like sardines! Josh and Marcus had priceless reactions when the guys walked in the door.  Andi officially made every guy swear from this choice.  At the hotel the guys attack Nick with their rhetoric.

The guys are scrambling to persuade Andi to pick them for hometowns.  Nick just stole Andi from Brian when he already has a rose.  Chris then stole Andi for one last kiss.  But somehow, boy does it in a classy fashion.  Chris = class. 

Rose Ceremony

Josh, Marcus, and Chris get roses.  Brian and Dylan are going home. 

Next week should be more entertaining…hometowns always are.

The blooper was Dylan chasing Brian around with a pickle because Brian is actually terrified of pickles....no more good bloopers from here on out without those two around