Hurricane Andi

Week 3 Part 2

Chris Harrison tells us that this is part two of our exciting two night show…I think Chris needs to look up the definition of “exciting” because last night was decidedly not. However, I have high hopes for high drama with the basketball clips.

Andi is saying the classic “what? I like more than one guy right now?? *twirls hair around fingers* "How can this be?” *chomps gum* and “I need to get to know more of them!” *hair flip over shoulder*  It’s drivel really.  I wonder if they make them say these things. Like, those who do not speak, to not eat. 

The guys are definitely more excited about being in Connecticut than they were for being in Santa B.  Six of the guys try to see if they will fit in the massive Jacuzzi. 

Dylan gets the first one-on-one.  This is good for him because he was so disappointed to not get some time with her last night.  They are going on an old steam train.  Andi says something insipid about how maybe their relationship will “pick up some steam.” Do they have writers for that crap? Literally every single one of the bachelors and bachelorettes have said stupid crap like that.  Maybe, “thou must pun” is one of the bachelor/ette Ten Commandments. 

Wow.  Dylan found in a way to work in a bit of his story by just dropping the bomb of his brother’s funeral on Andi…and then swiftly switching back to talking about the scenery.  At the dinner, Andi says that she wants to get to know him and that he has been really nervous.  She wanted to give him one on one time to try and get past the nerves and get to know him....so basically open up or you don't get a rose...He starts to tell her a bit about himself but he is just rattling stuff off because she is forcing him to tell her things.  Andi looks like she is in lawyer mode.  As tears start rolling down his cheeks, Andi finally snaps out of the lawyer mode.  But she didn’t reach out to him.  For Pete’s sake woman! Hug him! Or at least grab his hand.  But she stayed stationary and just had tears in her eyes.  In her talking head she feels bad about dragging this out of him, but that’s all she talks about.  Reassure him and focus on him.  Having a pity party in your head is not helping the situation.  So after he is done talking (which Dylan has a quick rebound time after tears, btw) Andi gives Dylan the rose.  But she wants to make sure that he knows this is not a pity rose.  Andi has a surprise for the end of the date.  They ended the date by blowing the train whistle….that’s not a good surprise…

Group Date: JJ, Chris, Andrew, Angel Eric, Nick, Marquel, Male Vienna, Tasos, Brian, Patrick, Josh. Andi comes out with some WMBA players and they are smoking the guys.  One of the girls said it was like more of a warm up than a game.  Josh was the only guy that recognized the girls by name and knew about their track records.  Andi decided to have the guys play each other.  Whichever team wins will get to go on.  Losers go home.  They are split into the Rosebuds and the Five Hearts.  Andi could not believe how competitive they were off the bat.  It’s half time and the teams are tied.  Marquel has the most hilarious talking heads.  “We are champions.  We wake up and breathe excellence.”  “Losers will go back to the hotel and eat cereal…or whatever losers eat.”  Wow.  Great editing ABC.  Painting the 5 Hearts as super sad and pathetic and juxtaposing that against the cheering Rosebuds.  I don’t feel sorry for them.  Josh is pouting like a child.  I will not pity that. 

OH MY GOSH I AM SO TIRED OF ANDI NOT LISTENING TO WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING!! She basically just browbeat Angel Eric into telling her about his family.  He was saying that he felt like she was super formal with him and he didn’t like it.  She accused him of holding back.  He is being honest with her and she is not listening to a word he is saying until he tells her about his family, but even then she's not really listening.  JUST LISTEN FOR ONCE!

Brian is showing Andi how to do different things on the court.  Andi is super attracted to Brian while he is talking about basketball stuff…her talking heads are slightly uncomfortable when she’s talking about how sexy he is.  Brian just made a half-court shot!!! Nope not slightly uncomfortable, full on uncomfortable.  She needs to stop. 

Andi and Nick sneak off to make out.  She feels like he sees her for who she is.  He says he found someone he could marry. 

Marquel got no screen time.  This displeases me.

Brian got the rose for being “the MVP on the court and the MVP off the court.” 

Marcus and the second One-On-One. Andi has a knack of saying ominous things.  “This is a huge day for Marcus…and a huge day for us.” Andi wants to face her fear of heights with Marucs.  Supposedly Andi requested this date.  Awesome.  She picked a guy who is also terrified of heights.  Andi is freaking out.  Marcus is doing a good job of trying things first and encouraging her.  My favorite guy from the show today is the guy running the ropes who is literally pushing Andi’s feet off the ledge.  Oh ABC, you guys are fantastic.  They are rappelling down the hotel that the guys are staying in! The ropes go by the guys’ window!! For the dinner portion of their night, my house missed most of the conversation because we were going off about how much Andi annoys us.  She has changed since coming into power.  And that led us to talk about other people who changed when they were the chosen one…like Ben and his nasty hair and nasty girl choices.  Andi is pulling a Jillian and equating being encouraging during a random activity with ropes as being good relationship material.  Oh look, a surprise concert.  But it’s not a private concert.  Does this count for the concert vs helicopter tally?  We technically stated it was private concerts vs helicopters...what's our consensus?   Also, new theory: they always make out when they dance because Andi can’t dance and that will keep them from noticing. 

Cocktail Party

Brian fixes his faux pas and kisses Andi.  Marquel is super cute and funny and wants to show her how to defend herself.  I love that Marquel got time.

Hallelujah! Angel Eric is calling Andi on her crap.  He says that he was thinking about their conversation and he says that he has been open with her (which he has)  He feels like she hasn't been real with him (which she hasn't).  HE JUST CALLED HER A TV ACTRESS! My house just erupted in applause for this man!!! Angel Eric says that she has a poker face.  He says that he just wanted to see her, the real her.  She completely loses it.  For that reaction, she knew it.  She goes off about how she is exhausted and she has worked her butt off. GAH! She’s not listening to a word he was saying.  He said he understood why she was doing that, but he wanted to get to know the real Andi.  She freaking sent him home!  Good.  Cause you did not deserve someone who was willing to work through things if you won’t even listen to them.  Andi goes back and chews out all of the guys. Idiot. What I have learned about Andi is that she will take one man's actions and apply them to all men...I wonder if that is why she is single...

Chris Harrison is now telling us about Angel Eric.  This was his last scene so they wanted to talk about him instead of showing who gets roses.  Okay, I’m calling crap on this whole thing.  Andi says that there just wasn't as much honesty in this relationship as there was in her other relationships.  BULL CRAP.  Do her ears even work?  Did she rewatch any of this?  She is having trouble with the fact that the last conversation they had was the one where she sent him home….but this would have been your last conversation anyway.  You can talk about how you could have smoothed things over after the final rose, but honey, he would have brought it up again.  You didn't listen, you weren't being real with him, and you clearly overreacted out of exhaustion.  So own that.  Apologize.  Standing your ground on your initial overreaction is not a good call.  It makes you look like a B.  My main issue here is that Andi’s mantra was honesty.  But the instant anyone was truly honest with her, she sent him packing. 

Also, Chris Harrison tells us that Tasos did not get a rose. 

I officially cannot stand Andi….these are going to be some rough weeks.  I hope my favorites escape Hurricane Andi in one piece.  

There is a Storm Brewing

Week 3, Part 1

Chris Harrison surprises the guys and tells them that they get to join Andi in Santa Barbara.  Santa Barbara should probably sue ABC for damages because the lack of enthusiasm from the guys has definitely convinced me to never go there.  Andi picks Nick for the first one-on-one in Santa B.  He was shockingly realistic about this process which just strikes me as funny.  He says that she is a beautiful girl and he’ll see if it’s worth sticking around.  I applaud this man! No desperation and a clear head on his shoulders! Snatch that man up.  But of course, the guys think that he isn't being “real.” 

Personally, I find the cameras that are mounted on their bikes weird.  They are at unflattering angles.  Andi should have had a say in their placement-girls care about things like that...Nick is having a really good time on the date…but it makes me wonder what trouble is brewing in the house.  Wow.  He is even being honest about how he is slightly skeptical and how he struggles with being unsure of where he stands.  They have an adorable and open conversation.  I may not hate watching them…interesting.  Unfortunately, my sister just pointed out that Nick has a slight lisp.  AND IT CAN’T BE UNHEARD!

What is Nick’s jacket?!?! Are you a sleuth? Do you work for Scruff McGruff from Chicago Illinois 60652?

 But Andi’s earrings are quite cool.  Andi has handled all of the guys who have said they had previous engagements really well.  Seriously girl, kudos. Andi likes the way that Nick views things and she gives him the rose. Aaaannnnd they make out on top of a clock tower.  He is guy number 3 to get kisses.  But the first one to not start kissing after dancing…

Group date guys are Brian, Marquel, Male Vienna, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Sober Charlie Sheen, Josh, Angel Erick, Drew, Patrick, and Marcus. Andi takes the guys to a classical musical studio.  Once they get inside they see Boys II Men standing there.  The guys FREAK out-Marquel particularly.  He’s doing a bit of fangirling.  Sober Charlie Sheen needs to cut it out.  He is annoying.  But the Josh's impressions of his opera singing are hilarious.  Best part of this entire thing is how the members of Boys II Men make fun of how horrible everyone is at singing.  SOBER CHARLIE SHEEN NEEDS TO SHUT HIS FACE. Your incessant bragging makes me want to punch you and also applaud the guys for not smacking that smug look off your face.  Apparently Tasos is the only other one who can sing.  Marquel is bringing his swagger though.  The guys are so ‘shocked’ and ‘appalled’ that they are not only practicing with Boys II Men but that they are also singing in concert with them.  Paaahleeezee.  This happens every year.  Marquel is still freaking out which is adorable.  Male Vienna is also freaking out, but it is less adorable.  Best part of the concert is the little girl in the crowd who firmly planted her hands on her ears.  Boys II Men said that if this is any indication of who she should pick Andi should be alone.  Hahaha that’s wonderful. 

Andi pulls a strange prank on Male Vienna.  She pretends that the other guys have told her that he was a girlfriend.  He handled it well, but that’s all that they showed.  It was interesting.  AW Angel Eric was insecure.  Marcus is going for the first kiss and he gets it.  Do you know that you are number 4? Ohho ho, but Josh also gets to make out with Andi.  They actually seem more like a couple.  Josh got the rose.  Marcus looks crushed…and yet I wonder how Sober Charlie Sheen will take it… Marcus doesn't think their connection is as good as the one he has with Andi.  It's almost adorable how  naive he is...

 Stop ruining the Boys II Men song!

JJ has the next one-on-one.  Oh goodness gracious his pants.  I'm sure he made them.  They are going to be made over into old people.  When they see each other they just start laughing.  JJ goes off about how she looks way better when she’s old than he does.  Andi keeps saying that this is what it feels like to grow old with someone.  No! No its not! Having makeup done for a couple of hours does not equate to spending your life with someone! That’s just stupid.  But at least JJ isn't saying amazingly stupid things. He can say with confidence that he is falling for her regardless of her looks. He was also really precious when he said that if this is what she would look like in 50 years, sign him up!

Ron had to leave the show because of a death of a close friend. 

I always find it massively interesting how people don’t actually listen to what the other person is saying.  JJ is talking about how he is unique enough that he doesn't know if he can find a girl like her who will accept him as he is.  He didn't say anything about shying away from who he is or changing…just how he didn't know if a girl like her would want a guy like him.  Yet, that is how Andi took it--as him shying away from himself.  She said his uniqueness is what drew her to him…but let’s be real honey, you are not going to pick him.  Let him go before he gets super attached.  …does she listen at all? 

Cocktail Party

Andi is telling the guys that she feels for Ron and that she genuinely cares about each of them.  She said that she wanted to enjoy the time she had with everyone. Yet…somehow it seems like she wasn't saying anything.

Hahaha.  Angel Eric got totally blocked by Nick sending Andi flowers.  He had a thoughtful note that made Andi smile the entire time she read it.  It completely through off Angel Eric and won Nick some serious alone time. 

JJ decides to wear crazy pants and to talk to Josh about how Andrew got a girl’s number on the last group date.  I really hope they decide to bring this to Andi’s attention before the rose ceremony.  It would be so great to just blow the roof off this place with drama.  JJ’s pants are sooo distracting.  I don’t know whether to stare at the pants to listen to the drama.  What is that psychedelic pattern? Why on earth does it exist?  Triple J (JJ & Josh) confront Andrew.  He walks away and crazy pants JJ follows him and keeps talking.  SO naturally the cameras follow too. 

Marcus pulls Andi aside to remind her that he thinks about her even when she’s not around.  Oh no, he thinks that he is the only one with a connection with her…nope.  Son, you are not going to last long.  Excellent! Andrew is now ready for the warpath.  It became a simple shouting match that delivered- someone was called a “grown ass man!”

Rose Ceremony

Nick, JJ, and Josh have roses.  Marcus gets a rose.  Brian gets a rose-go basketball coach! Marquel gets a rose.  That man has a devilish grin.  Tasos gets a rose.  So far, I am in full support of her choices.  Man Vienna gets a rose.  Patrick gets a rose.  I literally know NOTHING about him.  Who are you? Chris gets a rose! Yay farmer! Angel Eric gets a rose—but let’s be real, she owned him after that flower stunt Nick pulled.  Dylan got a rose.  Andrew got the final rose, naturally.  Any drama automatically equals safety for at least one more week. 

Thank the Lord that Sober Charlie Sheen is leaving.  Brett the hairstylist is also going home. 

Best part of the night: the singing bloopers :)

Tomorrow night is going to be ridiculous.

Side Note
Nick has reminded me of some actor for a while and I finally figured out who! 

Nick 

Peter MacNicol

Andi finds out that alcohol is not conducive to this process

Week 2

The guys are LOVING the place that they are staying in.

Chris Harrison says that Andi is one of the best they have ever had on the show…interesting…hope the past contestants didn’t hear you. He explains the standard rules that they should all know by now. He also brings the first date card.  The main thing I have learned from this is that Chris Harrison looks really good in purple.

The first date card: of course-it’s Angel Eric.  This episode is going to be PAINFUL.

Dylan isn’t happy about this…and he also has the creepy bad guy greasy curl going on.  Also, anyone who says anything bad about Angel Eric is going to feel like a total jerk when they re-watch this. 

One-On-One

They built a sandcastle and flew a kite.  AND THEN A CHOPPER CAME.  So this makes our first chopper of the season.  We’ll keep track to see if it will reign supreme or if private concerts will still be the go-to for the surprises.  They land on the top of the mountain.  The first thing Angel Eric does is give Andi his sweatshirt which is super sweet.  They are going to snowboard.  Apparently Andi is not talented in this front. Angel Eric has some skill and he is excited to teach her how.  They end the date by spending the evening in a cabin. Shocker! Dead guy gets a rose. 

Soooo the group date…..the guys are going to be stripping “for charity.”  Good heavens, this is ridiculous.  The only comical part is the firefighter who got assigned to the firefighters group.  It led to a lot of jokes like “do you wear this at work too?” And that is all I have to say about this portion of the date.  It was ridiculous and too much.  It should not have happened.  None of their dates with stripping should ever happen.

I can’t tell if Cody, male Vienna, is more excited about the house they are in or about Andi being there.  Craig wants to drink-now.  Brian is very passionate about teaching.  He said that he was super nervous but that he danced because it was for a good cause….eeeeeehhhhh.  I’m not so sure about that and I’m not sure that his bosses would be okay with this either.  Andi also hit it off with Josh.  Craig is having trouble with the stripping.  He is compensating with the awkwardness of the dancing by drinking a lot.  He kept asking for shots and said “this is about to get real!”…yeah, real stupid. Sober Charlie Sheen is singing for Andi.  Meanwhile Craig, who is super trashed, is looking for Andi.  However, it is leading to some pretty funny comments about cut off points and drinking too much.  Oh no! He keeps taking shots! The guys are trying to look out for him.  They at least pointed him in the direction of the deep end of the pool before he jumped.  One of the guys is swimming with him so that he doesn't get hurt.  Wow.  They even brought producers in to calm him down.  Oh good.  Andi is questioning everything because one person got drunk.  One.  And this means that now she doesn't know why they are all here.  Marcus steps in and calms her down and wins himself the rose. 

Chris the farmer has the second one-on-one.  Andi is excited for this and is dressed in her 40s glam.  She thankfully has a change of clothes for Chris because he came in shorts and a polo.  They are going to a horse race.  They talk to an old couple who have been together 55 years.  They are precious…and probably planted by ABC…. They spend the entire day at the track and have the place to themselves that night.  He tells her about his previous engagement and that Andi was the girl he was hoping for.  She is super encouraged and gives him a rose.  AND THERE IS A SURPRISE! WHAT COULD IT BE??? A concert. This leaves us with choppers and private concerts tied for this week.  BUT WAIT! Chris gets the first kiss of the season! Which leads to a straight up make-out session.  I wonder if he will be Andi’s Arie…

Cocktail Party

Andi is wearing a disco ball for a dress.  And her theme for this week is “NO SETTLING” and her overuse of the phrase “oh stawp!” is going to make me smack someone.  Marquel is wearing too many patterns.  But he is so fine.  If only he would have brought cookies again.  Andi thinks that all of the guys are stepping it up tonight.  She just realized that “I am really starting to get to know these guys!” This is ridiculous.  Josh M. is a mess tonight.  He rambled and touched her face in a weird way.  He asked for more time because he is having problems.  Somehow they start dancing and then kissing.  Maybe this is the key: spin Andi around and she gives a kiss. Hahahah Craig sang Andi a song for messing up and getting drunk.  It was hysterical, especially because of the group of guys that snuck over to the window to hear it. 

Rose Ceremony

Angel Eric, Marcus, and Chris all have roses from their respective dates.

Chris Harrison introduces our walking disco ball to dispense the remaining roses.  Ron gets the first rose.  Dylan gets a rose. Bill Nye’s son gets a rose…cause making pants is still impressive.  Marquel gets a rose.  Andrew gets a rose.  So one half of the bromance is safe.  Tasos gets a rose.  Josh gets a rose, which isn't surprising since he’s one of the two guys she made out with.  EW! Male Vienna got a rose.  Nick V. gets a rose.  Patrick gets a rose- the bromance is safe! Brian gets a rose.  And the hairdresser gets a rose. And clean Charlie Sheen gets the final rose.

Carl, the firefighter, went home.  As did Nick S. and Craig.  Nick S. was collateral damage from helping Craig while he was drunk and in the pool. 

COMING SOON

The guys are going to sing with Boys II Men, playing basketball, someone is going to be accused of being here for the wrong reasons.  Andi is going to ugly cry? And she will definitely give a lecture on taking things seriously.

There She Goes Again

Well kids, it’s that time again:  Summer Bachelorette Season!

Andi Dorfman is our girl, though to be honest I didn’t make it through all of Juan’s season…so I don’t remember much about her.

Chris Harrison starts us off with the most awkward and brief eulogy before they play the footage of Andi from her opener in Juan Pablo’s season-they didn't even re-shoot it.  She bores us with the usual “I would do anything for love” spiel….if only someone would say “BUT I WON’T DO THAT!” and walk off the show…but then where would the show be?  “I just want to be real with everyone and fall in love!” Oh honey.  You are in for a world of hurt.  Or as my mother says “You are gonna cry buckets!”

From the montage of Andi trying on clothes and makeup, I am learning that for Andi, falling in love is going to be like shopping…although this is the bachelorette so it really is.  Just pick your make and model…I’m voting for that hunky black man with the great smile. Andi’s sister comes to help her pick a dress for the night and to give her sisterly advice.  The best part of this entire montage is my mother’s comments.  When Andi tries on a particularly low cut dress all my mother says is “she had better not sneeze…”

THE GUYS ARE HERE

First up is Marcus.  Andi makes him put his hands out and points out that he is shaking.  He “has a lot to give and offer.”  Andi thinks he is quite hot.

Chris the farmer gets out next.  He automatically gets a solid vote from me.

Bill Nye’s kid is the next one out of the car.  Solid bowtie.  His name is JJ and he makes pants?

HOT BLACK MAN IS HERE!! Marquel.  So fine.  Just pick him now.

Tasos, the wedding event coordinator, has arrived.  He wants to recreate the lover’s bridge with Andi.  Short and sweet.  Well done Tasos. 

Cody pushes the car as the first lame gimmick of the night.

Steven has surfer boy hair and Andi calls him on it immediately. 

Rudie asks if he can approach the bachelorette leading to our second lame gimmick of the night.  Ew. Stop with the attorney humor.  Gross.  Two attorneys talking all night would be awful.

Carl is a firefighter and also very fine.  He gives her a globe ornament which is actually kinda sweet.

Jason has stalker hair.  OR SUNSHINE from Remember the Titans! If he can throw a football I’m in.  But alas, his introduction is as awkward as his hair.

Nick V. is wearing a pok-a-dot tie and that’s all I remember.

Dylan is an accountant and looks equally as boring as his profession.  And he is as socially awkward as his profession.  But he has a cute face…he may be redeemable. 

Patrick brought our token sports ball.  He drop kicked a soccer ball away and as my friends says, “he’s kicking Juan Pablo memories to the curb.”

Emil is a helicopter pilot and I am super distracted by his name. 

Brett brought a lamp.  He is a hairstylist.  He should go home.  Haha!  Andi said that they need to return the lamp to the hotel. 

Craig is another accountant.  And he shows up by popping a bottle of champagne.  HE is like an overexcited puppy.

Ron is yet another very attractive black man.  Can I be Andi? He was smooth as butter.

Bradley is an opera singer.  He wants to singer for her later. He also is a shining example of what Charlie Sheen could look like if hadn't taken drugs...also see Emilio Estevez.  

Josh B. is like the forth guy wearing gingham.  He was cute though.

Nick S. drove a golf cart up.  He says that he is professional golfer….interesting. Who has to move the cart?

Brian is a basketball coach and he is precious!  He’s blushing and is super sweet.  He is going to be the one that has his heart broken.

Andrew is also wearing gingham! Did gingham make a deal with the guys? (side note: final count on the gingham was 4 shirts and 2 ties, which is ridiculous!)

Mike is bartender and also has awful hair. Eh. And an awful laugh. 

Eric, the dead man, is here.  He brought her dolls! And now its all weird cause you’re rooting for him, but he’s not among the living…

Man I was so distracted by angel Eric that I didn't catch the next guys name…

As Andi starts to go off the tracks with getting excited about the possibilities my mother mumbles “ack, simmer down!”

I don’t know who Andi is talking to, but my friend thinks he looks like Jafar. On to Marquel who talks to Andi-with cookies!! He shows her the most important cookie, the black and white cookie.  “Look to the cookie.  Look to the black and white cookie.” Angel Eric is talking to Andi and my mother has started making angel wings.  They are going to show all of the footage of him and make all of America feel horrible.

WhaAATT? Bird Chris wants to meet Andi? Why? You were from like…Emily’s season….and I remember nothing about you except a strong dislike of you and your beaky nose.

Andi is very interested by Tasos…he is different than what she has dated in the past.  SHE FOUND HER ONE F JEF!  When the opera dude sings he REALLY looks like Charlie Sheen!!! (with less crack).  And the other guys look like they hate him for his talent.

We are watching a bromance bloom.  Patrick and Andrew.  They both dress well and are into formula one cars.  They are both “a step above everyone else.”

So Chris Harrison tells Andi about the walk on in the driveway.  He tells her that this man has come to try and win her heart, but he can’t even say it without laughing because Bird Chris is an attention whore.  Andi says no, she will not meet him and upset the other men that have actually prepared to come here and be with her.  And apparently Bird Chris has been hanging out and waiting for days.  Harrison asked him how he knew when they were filming.  “I didn’t! That’s why I’ve been waiting so long!”

Nick V. left a lasting impression on Andi so she gives him the first impression rose.  All I remember about him is that he has 10 siblings…

ROSE CEREMONY

JJ, or Bill Nye’s son, gets a rose.  I mean, he did give her pants.  Angel Eric gets a rose.  Marquel gets a rose! She looked to the cookie!! (But seriously, can I has?)  Craig gets a rose.  Tasos gets a rose.  Josh gets a rose.  Brian gets a rose!  He is so precious with his coaching.  Bradley, aka Charlie Sheen sans crack, gets a rose.  Marcus gets a rose. Andrew gets a rose.  I hope Patrick gets one so that the bromance can continue.  Ron, other attractive black man, gets a rose.  Firefighter gets a rose.  Chris gets a rose.  Dillon gets a rose.  Most of these guys I don’t remember.  Brett, lamp guy, gets a rose.  Patrick got a rose! The bromance will live on!  Cody, or as we will now call him man-Vienna, got a rose.  Nick S got the final rose.  So no roses for the long haired men.  (Cut your hair! It will help!)

HIGHLIGHTS

A hard to walk in gold dress. Mimes! France! Copious amounts of pigeons.  A giant clock.  Angel Eric.  One on ones.  LOTS of kissing.  More Angel Eric.  Dangly earrings. More gingham. Jealousies! A poor attempt at making us believe that Andi will quit the show!!

WEEK FOUR!!!!

Week 4 of Juan

The gang is in South Korea.  There will be jealous girls, catty girls, and tears galore.

Juan has to say goodbye to Camilla because we are starting the traveling portion of the show.  Chris Harrison comes into the room and counts the girls that are left…just in case one of them can’t count to 13.  The girls squeal at the prospect of grabbing their passports.  Sharleen freaked out more than the others at going to South Korea….which is surprising because she screamed when they said Gangnam style…I did not see an opera singer liking Korean pop. 

Clare is annoyingly peppy in the talking head.  I now wonder if I look as ridiculous as her when I clap…

In fact all the girls are doing little claps as they get off planes and trains.  This year they are showing some footage of the girls’ reactions to the traveling which is actually fun to watch.

Date Card! Nikky is worried about getting a one-on-one because she wants to get to know him better.  Meanwhile, ABC is showing Juan play carnival games by himself...which just looks sad.

Group date will be: Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki.  Needless to say, Nikki is displeased. 

Juan does this adorable little talking head about Korean Pop…which sounds hilarious when he says it...and like he has no idea what it is.  Apparently the girls are going to dance with Korean equivalent of the Spice Girls.  2ne1 is the biggest Korean Pop group.  They are learning the dance and Kat is showing off.  Kat’s confidence is starting to rub Nikki the wrong way. Nikki does the best talking head showing her outside face which is a sweet smile and her inside face which looks like grumpy cat.  2ne1 just invited the group to dance with them at their concert that night and Kat is on cloud nine.  Nikki, however, looks like her worst nightmare is about to come true.  Hahaha she just said she would do this for a school of the blind! I kinda like how she gets sassy when she’s upset. 

The girls get makeovers and go onstage.  Kat shows off.  Nikky looks like she is going pee her pants.  Overall, I think those concert goers just had the thought “stupid Americans” running through their heads.  At the night handout ABC did some masterful editing.  They juxtaposed Nikki talking behind people’s backs (mainly Kat’s back) and Kat having a heart to heart with Juan.  Oh good, I think the other girls are going to start mentioning that some people are not here for the ‘right reasons.’ 

HOLD UP PEOPLE! Nikki and Juan are talking and he asked her how she felt about Camilla! This is the first time he’s done that (as far as I know. Disclaimer: I didn’t watch last week).

Sharleen gets the next one-on-one.  Clare doesn’t think that Sharleen and Juan Pablo are right together. 

Juan takes Nikki and gives her the rose….and the girls about lose it! 

Sharleen’s date starts with a walk down in the local market.  They buy traditional dresses, food, and beverages.  Then they go to a tea house and talk for a bit.  Sharleen is very intelligent. I find it hard to believe that she would be content staying with him.  Juan Pablo is soft spoken and he listens.  This makes it hard to gage his intelligence level.  Sharleen sings for Juan and then they make out.  He asks her about kids and how many she wants.  She basically said that she has never thought about it and the last time she dated a guy with a kid she had a hard time with it.  Juan gave her the rose.  His talking head says that he knows that she must want kids because she is here and she would have known that he had a kid.  No son.  You just acted like a girl and heard what you wanted to hear.

Group date starts with karaoke.  Then they do many other things including having the fish eat the dead skin off of their feet (which I have always wanted to do!! It looks so crazy and ticklish and weird and fun!)  Clare is super territorial which is really fun to watch because it will drive people mad…including Clare.  Juan has promised himself that he won’t kiss anyone tonight because he doesn’t want to kiss all the girls.  Lauren S. asked for a kiss in Spanish and he said no and gave his reason why.  However, the fact that he has kissed girls in the past sent this girl over the edge.  Tears.  So many tears.  Pretty sure her chances were just shot to heck.  Juan went to go talk to her.  Apparently, Clare instigated a no kissing policy with them.  Juan likes it….yet…..he kisses Clare anyway. Andi got the rose from the group date…as she should cause she is normal and not emotionally unstable. 

Cocktail Party

Nikki is committing a mortal sin – she went to talk to Juan Pablo even though she has a rose.  Oh good, Juan asks her about drama in the house.  She seems a little thrown.  Afterwards, she confides in Kelly, who is the best at just being present for the drama.  Nikki assumes that Clare said something to Juan because she talked to Juan right before Nikki.  She implies this when Clare comes over.  I am so glad that the two sparks in the house are confrontational.  This should lead to some awesome fires. 

Rose Ceremony

Juan compliments the peeps (as all of the chosen ones do).  And the roses go to: Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Allison, Clare, (Chris Harrison making sure America can count to one), and Kat.

Elise is ready to have a family unlike some of the other girls in there.  And cue the ugly crying.  Lauren S. is also going home…which I called right after the kiss incident.  Cue the ugly crying and self-pity. 

Next week: the girls are going to VIETNAM!!! Also, Clare is going to drive the other girls nuts! Looks like Clare is going to take something too far.  

Juanuary Dos Semanas

One-on-One #1

Clare the hairstylist is going on the first date with Juan Pablo.  Uh-oh.  She’s hopeful.  The odds are not in your favor… she doesn’t do online dating nor does she go to bars…and yet she thinks this is going to work…

Juan Pablo picks her up and puts a blindfold on her so that she doesn’t know where they are going.  The girls think he is precious for doing that.  Hmmm Clare being blindfolded means that she has to rely on her other senses…and she is only using her nose.  She literally just called Juan Pablo “Heaven in a Bottle.”  He should use that as the name of his first fragrance.  Juan Pablo took Clare to a winter wonderland.  There is snow in the middle of LA.  He is really sweet.

Back at the house—the girls are talking about how nice Clare is…but Lucy is hanging out in the pool…literally.  She is in the pool topless.  Looks like our hippy girl is free with her body….

Clare is spouting nonsense.  That’s cool.  I don’t mind wasting my time listening to you talking about how you are ready for love and your heart is ready for this…except that I do. 

Date Card! Kat gets the next one-on-one date.  Hahaha the number of duck faces that are shown after Kat gets the card is priceless!

Clare is very distracted by Juan Pablo’s abs. Yet, she holds it together enough to tell him about her dad.  Wait…she was the girl with the letter from her dad wasn’t she… yep. She totally was.  Juan, as all of the bachelor or bachelorettes, is glad that the contestants are opening up.  Juan, not surprisingly, gives Clare the rose.  My guess is that she’s making it pretty far because she’s blond and the previews showed lots of blonds and there were not that many blonds at the end of last week. Oh good.  Guys! The private concerts are still going to be used way too frequently! Somehow, ABC made it snow. Clare is completely enchanted.  She hopes that this is the tip of the iceberg and I can’t help but wonder if she is riding the Titanic.

GUYS I JUST FOUND THE BEST THING EVER!!!!! ABC changes the pictures when girls get kicked off! Check it out! http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/cast

One-on-One #2

Juan Pablo is taking Kat somewhere ridiculous.  They are at an airport.  On the plane Juan Pablo has them change into some ridiculous florescent outfits that have lights on them.  I think they are at a glow run or a rave.  Oh it’s called the electric run.  Are they actually running the whole thing?  It’s a dance/run 5K.  Interesting.  No. they are not running the whole thing.  It looks like they are walking and then dancing.  On stage, Juan Pablo gives Kat the rose.

Date card! Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Lucy get the group date. This leaves Sharleen (our in house opera singer), Amy L, and Danielle without a date this week.

Group Date

All the girls talk about is how hot Juan Pablo is.  I guess that’s all they know about him, that’s all America knew about him, yet it got him the gig.  Ah, it’s the classic photo shoot and/or movie ploy.  The creative director is sporting a blue beard…  Chantel is having problems with guessing what is behind the door.  THERE ARE DOGS!  Hahaha! Lucy’s biggest fear today is a dog peeing on her shoes because she borrowed them…cause hippies don’t need shoes!  Best. Fear. Ever. So the girls are going to do a sexy photo shoot with dogs to raise money for them.  Oh good, they put Lucy in a fire hydrant.  Awesome.  Nikki is getting bonus points with Juan for taking care of her dog. Andi and Elise are given the unlucky tasks of only wearing a cardboard sign.  They should walk.  They should revolt.  I want to punch that blue bearded man in the face for them.  Elise is smart enough to ask Lucy to switch with her.  Lucy is more than happy to do that….and she is walking down the street naked with her dog.  I wonder what Andi will do.  Cassandra was very classy and Juan seems to like the classy.  Renee was also very classy.  Seriously?!?  Andi is saying that she is going to do this because it’s for a good cause.  Seriously?!?!?! It’s for dogs!  Why should you have to be naked to help dogs? That is highly illogical.  Tell them heck no! Juan Pablo came over and said he was going to do it with her so now its magically fine.  Give me a break!  This is stupid.  One of the girls said that if a dog gets adopted because of this shoot, it would be worth it because they saved a life.  No.  Just no.  You should not have to be naked to get a dog adopted.  These girls are officially idiots. 

After the photo shoot, the girls head to a rooftop to hang out with Juan Pablo.  Victoria already looks crazy.  Previews make it look like she is going to go crazy.  Cassandra is going to tell Juan about her son tonight. Juan takes it really well.  Of course he would be excited.  He’s single parent too.  Sometimes the girls freak out over the strangest of things.  Renee really wants her first kiss with Juan Pablo. She is doing an adorable thing with her son—they are each writing journals to each other while they are apart and they will trade when they are back together.  Ew. She points out that Juan didn’t kiss her.  Hahaha.  And he still doesn’t.  That’s the best!

Ah, the cut-ins are happening now.  There is nothing more delightfully awkward about this show the girls stealing Juan Pablo away from eachother….and Victoria is already drunk.  Awesome.  One of the girls is talking to her about how she is drunk.  Her response is “No! This is me sober! I am fun sober.”  That’s the best.  She is totally falling apart. 

Juan Pablo hones in on Nikki.  She takes care of kids and he seems very attracted to that.  He asks her how she got away from work (pediatric nurse) and she said they gave her a leave of absence. 

Oh my gosh.  Victoria is soooooo drunk.  Wasted.  Wasted is a good wood for her.  The Andi doesn’t want her to see him because she is completely out of it.  Kelly is excited that she is going crazy.  Oh no.  Victoria is interrupting Juan and Nikki.  Juan is sad and he asks Kelli if Victoria has been drinking.  Victoria runs off to the bathroom and Renee finds her crying in the bathroom.  Renee does her best to comfort her, but Victoria is hysterical.  She just swears and says she is going home.  She gets into a verbal altercation with a producer because she wants to leave and he says that for her safety he has to get her a flight and a cab and that she can’t just leave.  She ends up running back to the bathroom. 

SIDENOTE: the commercials tonight think I want a hamburger and I need lotion for dry skin.  That’s it.  Those are the most popular commercials.  I find that very strange. 

Lucy goes to find Juan Pablo to tell him that Victoria is losing it.  She wanted to give him the option to address this.  He finds her in the bathroom.  He asks her to talk to him for a second.  She just cries and says ‘no!’  And then he just stands there for a minute and says that he will wait for her outside.  He is disappointed.  He says he will not judge her and then he talks to the girls about how this is a hard situation.  He wants to make sure that the other girls had a good time.  Kelly got the rose.  Ew. I forgot that she has the job of “dog lover.”  WHICH IS NOT A JOB.  She is the girl that literally just transformed into the dog.  I don’t think she should have gotten it.  Andi should have.  Girl got stark naked. 

Juan asks the girls to get Victoria home safely so that he can talk to her in the morning.  (note that he did not wait for her like he said he would)  The girls think that is sooo great! He is suuuuuch a gentleman! (cue hair twirling).  What do you bet that they leave her there.  Yep.  Victoria stayed at a hotel.  Juan Pablo went to find her. Victoria apologizes for “setting of the crazy train.”  She is describing herself and she sounds bipolar.  She says that when she’s mad, she’s really mad, and when she’s happy, she’s really happy.  Kelly is relishing this a little too much back at the house.  Juan accepts all of Victoria’s apologies and sends her home.  Good move on his part. 

Hahahaha! They just aired the most ridiculous commercial with Juan Pablo and yellow M&M.  What did I just see?  That was super corny. 

Cocktail party

Cassandra is nervous about what Juan Pablo is thinking.  Previews make it look like she might go home…which means that she probably won’t.  Juan talks to the girls about how he sent Victoria home.  He then asks one of the girls that he hadn’t talked to yet, Amy, to come for some one-on-one time.  She brushed up on her interviewing skills on him…which was very weird.  She sounded like a sports reporter.  Juan then finds Sharleen, our classy opera singer.  He is shocked that she is intimidated by talking to him.  Oh good.  The girls are over analyzing things already.  Even Clare is freaking out…and she has a rose!  Cassandra is super confused and cries while looking at photos of her son.  She finds Renee who apparently is the resident therapist for all the girls.  Impressive skills for a real estate agent…but that probably comes more from the fact that she is a mom.  Juan and Cassandra sit down to talk about her insecurities.  He does tell Cassandra that if he ever doesn’t see anything that he will tell her right away since she has a kid back home. 

ROSE CEREMONY

Chris Harrison tells us what we already know.

Kelly, Kat, and Clare already have roses.

Cassandra gets the first rose.  Sooo obviously it’s worth staying.

Nikki gets the next rose.  Andi, Elise (whose hair looked AWFUL in the back), Sharleen, Renee, Danielle, Lucy, Alli, Chelsie, Lauren, and Christy get roses.  That means that Chantel and Amy go home.  Amy says that she is still ready for love.  Chantel is more shocked than anything. 

Previews!

Kisses! Tears! Juan Pablo speaking gibberish! Oh good-there is going to be massive amounts of breakdowns.  Dang it! The Opera singer looks trashy.  

Juan's Opening Act

That's right Bachelor fans, he's back--and this time with his own show!

It’s Juanuary!

The bachelor franchise has promised us the most exciting season yet! (as always...) And they just might deliver with their superbly picked Juan Pablo.  This may be the most voted for bachelor since the inception of the show.  The majority of American women screamed for his season. 

This season: Juan is happy! He’s ready for love! ... And is apparently making out with everyone.  But wait! There’s more! --there are tears.  Because, what would this show be without tears?

ABC decided to introduce us to Juan Pablo and his lovely abs by showing him at his photo shoot.  The first thing I noticed was that he had purple socks.  He is the most precious when he is talking about his daughter and how she will always be his valentine.  And at this point I almost stopped listening...because the intros are boring.  Always boring. I want to see a breakdown.

Juan is excited to be the first bachelor that speaks the language of love.  This is when I gagged.  We also have the obligatory speech about love and how he is going to propose when he wants to get married for life. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that if you get married it should be for forever.  Not because the infatuation will last that long, but because it is a commitment.  You work at marriage.  It’s about finding someone you are willing to love and serve, not the other way around.  That, however, is not the purpose of this show.  But back to the show...

Juan is surprised by Sean....or is he?..  Hahaha.  Juan is worried about keeping track of names.  That is valid.  There are some close names this season and a ton of brunettes.  Also, Sean is telling Juan to only kiss in secret cause the girls will get jealous.  Duh.  Sean should not have had to learn this the hard way. Ten bucks says that Juan doesn't listen.

Jaun is getting ready and has not one, not two, but three black ties laying on his bed….and he’s already wearing one!  Why so many black ties?  Do they feel different?

Heeyyy it’s Chris Harrison.  He is telling us about how Juan Pablo was the biggest fan favorite of all time.  I wonder if he will get more air time this year. 

We get to meet a couple of the girls.  I have a love/hate relationship with these videos.  

Chelsie is very excited to meet Juan Pablo.  She is learning phrases in Spanish.  She sounds and looks ridiculous.  Renee is a single mom.  Andi is a lawyer.  She looks foreboding.  Oh but she could be trouble…she is not okay with Juan Pablo dating 24 other girls.  You have to be okay with this or you will ruin your life!! Yet, you could make for good TV...ABC has done well with this pick.  Amy J is terrifying.  Oh no, she is going to be one of the crazy ones.  She keeps saying horribly awkward things.  She is a massage therapist.  Nikki is a pediatric nurse and I now have faith that there are going to be smart people on this show!  I like her a lot…she is one of my front runners, but I want better for you than the bachelor!  Lauren has baggage.  Like elephant size baggage.  And at this point, I started talking to one of the other girls in the room and missed a couple of girls.  Now Lacy is on the screen.  She seems nice, yet somehow I don’t like her.  Clare is our token daddy issues girl.  She was super close with her father, who passed away from brain cancer.  This is not going to end well.  Fans will probably love her, but that is some heavy stuff to be broadcasting on television.  

Chris Harrison is welcoming Juan Pablo back to the mansion and the girls start arriving.

Limo number 1:

 Amy L. is the first girl to meet Juan Pablo.  She is sweet.  There is a very pretty girl named Cassandra, but there was the most awkward of pauses.  ABC even added crickets for those of us at home.  Christy has a weird headband on and she is really in love with bottle blond hair.  Christine is the next one out of the car.  She is in a gorgeous emerald dress.  She brought a gift for the daughter which was genius! Nikki is here! Her dress is not stellar, but I like her so much.  She brought a stethoscope so that he could hear her heart beat quickly. 

Limo number 2:

Kat? Gonna be honest, I didn't catch her name...and I don't remember what she did. Oopsie!

Chantel is teaching Juan Pablo how to say her name and then she pronounces his perfectly.  Victoria is in a horrible dress.  She looks like she is wearing cheese.  She knows Portuguese and they are going to help each other with languages.  Lucy’s job is being a free spirit!  That’s her freaking job! That's not real! Not a real thing!  She’s not wearing shoes! What?!?!?! Danielle is pretty and I really like her hair.  Oh good! We have a crazy entrance.  Lauren S. is a music composer who wheeled a piano up the drive way and played for him.  Juan started to come help and when she said she had it he replied “I’ll wait for you!” and scurried back to his place.  Super cute.  Juan Pablo even went back in for her name…she’s not the only one to not give a name, but this is the only one he’s gone back in for. 

Limo number 3:

Chelsie is a teacher.  She is going to do an experiment for him…no she is making a corny chemistry joke.  Valerie wore boots so that he would know that she is country.  Elise is nice and is in a super sparkly dress.  Ashley is shining bright like a diamond.  She is giving him a gold star so he can shine too...  Oh and they cut to commercial when there might be a pregnant girl getting out of the car.  But I bet it’s a soccer ball or a pillow.  It’s Clare.  The baby is fake.  And it is a stupid ploy.  I don’t like you Clare.  Alli comes out with a soccer ball and now Juan is thoroughly intrigued.  Crazy Amy J is here!  She’s in a metallic thing.  Renee is connecting with Juan over single parenthood.  Lauren H has too much affection for scrunching her face.  Maggie is from the south and she brought Juan a fishing hook.  She is hoping that he is he catch that she has been waiting for (Cue eye roll from me).  There is a dog?  Kelly has dog lover as her occupation.  That is not an occupation.  She should sit on a bench with free spirit girl. 

Limo number 4:

Lacy has a dress with an Angelina Jolie size slit.  She gives Juan a red hot prescription…literally red hots in a prescription bottle...  Soooo we have a potential drug dealer.  Awesome.  Alexis gets Juan’s seal of approval for cuteness.  Kylie is a red head wearing pink (who let her do that?!?)….hahahah she totally walked off before he was done talking.  That’s fantastic.  WE HAVE AN OPERA SINGER!!  This means we have class! Sharleen came all the way from Germany.  I have hopes for her.   Andi tells him that he can’t be bad at her name because he asked twice.  Hahaha. I like that. 

Juan is tired of talking to Chris, but first he must hear about the first impression rose.  Chris sends him off with “The house is yours!”  Juan tries to get the girls to relax because he wants to get to know the real them.  He’s cute because he’s awkward.  He says that he feels like a meat that they want to eat right there.  That’s great.  His talking heads should be good.  Juan Pablo turned on some music to keep them from staring at him.  THEY HAVE A PHOTO BOOTH!  I want a photo booth. 

Juan and Nikki have some alone time.  Hahaha—he remembers her by saying Nikki the Nurse.  She seems to understand the show.  I like her but she seems really giggly.

Renee is talking with Juan Pablo about being parents.  Oh. My. Gosh. She just equated him getting pregnant with making a goal…ew.  Just. Ew.  Why did we go there?  Why?  That was not necessary.

Free Spirit is back! She literally has a flower headband. 

Amy J is seriously stalker material.  He was willing to get on the massage table, but he looks really awkward as she tries to give him a massage and is removing articles of his clothing.  SHE IS TOUCHING HIS BUTT.  She makes the most disturbing noises.  Juan Pablo’s talking head is the best.  He just awkwardly looked at the camera and said that she is nice but the massage was a little awkward.  Oh honey, that massage is the capital building of awkward town. 

Everyone is freaking out about the first impression rose.  No one has sanity left.  Oh good, they are taking role to see who has not gotten time with Juan yet.  "It is not just a rose!"  Maggie is serious! This is her life.  

Chelsie actually asked Juan if he remembers her name.  He looks at her and just goes “..no..”  Kudos to him for just admitting that.  

Elise gets some time and I am looking closely at her dress for the first time…it looks like she glued costume jewelry to her chest.  They are massive crystals. 

The girls are freaking out about getting time with Juan.  Oh good,  I think Lauren H is on the fast track to tears.  We might get the first breakdown earlier than anticipated...Aaaaaannnnd Here they are!  Elephant size baggage comes with a side of tears.  She is obviously not ready for this.  Honey you need to go home.  1) you can’t handle rejection right now 2) this show is BUILT on rejection 3) The chances of you finding a lasting relationship on this show are not in your favor.  Ashley took her aside and is trying to calm her down.  She is pretty much treating her like one of her students.  Wait…did Ashely just go find Juan Pablo for Lauren H?? Cause he just appeared out of nowhere.  Juan just sits there while she emotionally vomits her whole story on him.  What is he supposed to say after that?  ABC cuts it so that we can’t see.  Boo ABC. 

They then go to a montage of girls.  Juan says that the girls have been nice and great.  By the music, ABC wants us to feel the physical connection between Andi and Juan...they are playing Latin music.  THE OPERA SINGER IS BACK!! She is also the only one that didn’t try to learn Spanish! She is classy!  Hahaha she just said wiener.  ABC wants us to know that there could be a romantic connection here...there mood music has changed...Juan goes to get the first impression rose.  She hesitated sooo much before accepting the rose.  She is actually is paying attention to what she thinks about him and not just to what he thinks of her.  New favorite.  She is classy, she has brains, AND she is using common sense. 

ROSE CEREMONY

Sharleen already has the first impression rose.

Juan tells the girls that they all look fantastic.  He says that he is making his decisions based on his life and his daughter.

Clare, Nikki the Nurse, Renee (hot mama), Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S (piano man), Kelly (and her dog), Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie, Kat, Victoria (or cheese dress), Christy, Lucy, Elise, and Amy L get roses.

That leaves Maggie, Alexis, Kylie, Amy J, Lacy, Ashley, Christine, Valerie and Lauren H rose-less and bound for home.The girls that did not get roses say their goodbyes and leave.  Crazy pants Amy J gives us the quote of the night! The message therapist literally said, “Sometimes people don’t always feel you the way you feel them.”  Best quote ever!  Oooh…Kylie is crying as she goes home probably more from embarrassment than anything else.  The girl thought her name was called but it was not.  Lauren H was sent home.  She is still crying from earlier in the night.  I get that pitying looks from people would be tough, but you should have known better than to go on this show…especially after your recent breakup.

COMING SOON!

Unforgettable adventures, fireworks (naturally!!), and platitudes about Juan Pablo.  Water! Islands!  Kissing! AND TEARS!  Hahaha and Juan disregards Sean’s advice and kisses somebody where other girls can see him.  Can I get my ten bucks now? Oh good, there will be plenty of cat fights too.  I haven’t seen anything with the opera singer and that makes me sad.  Where is she? I liked her.  Oh here she is.  I bet she goes home.  She has too much class for this.  

Bloopers: Sean wants to help Juan find his thing.  Sean was shirtless boy.  Juan wants to be the dancing boy and now he is teaching Sean how to salsa…and tells him that this is cute.  Oh Juan.  You are adorable.